My heart hurts today. The shooting in Allen is horrific. I cannot fathom what drives a person to do that. It’s simply unimaginable.

Yet, as a society, it appears we fight. At least our elected leaders do. And various groups do. And likely, we do too at some level.

I am a gun owner. I enjoy shooting sports and the sport of shooting. I grew up in a time where carrying a shotgun or rifle in the back window of my truck was a simple part of life. Today, in a world seemingly more broken than ever, that would be cause for major concern and my interest in owning multiple guns is called into question as to what that says about my character.

At the same time, something has to give. We cannot continue to allow people who do not need to have a gun because of mental or other reasons that makes them dangerous. We cannot have young, innocent lives being taken for no reason. There has to be a middle ground that is acceptable and that lets us all sleep at night knowing we have done our part.

I appreciate the story someone mentioned about a rock in Cain’s hands is murder and a rock in David’s hands is heroism.

I also appreciate a family being able to stroll through an outlet mall and not being murdered.

It’s time we quit fighting and come together for answers that protect innocent lives. It’s time both sides quit digging in and starting discussing alternatives, get creative and find ways to keep guns out of the hands of people who should not possess them.

My heart is broken for victims of senseless murders. My heart is broken that we cannot put leaders in place that truly work for the greater good instead of the highest paid bidder. My heart is broken that we fight instead of seek answers. The most imperfect answer may be a step in the right direction of a life changing solution.

How much heartbreak can we endure?

Last night, I sat in the presence of someone whose mother never held them or showed any affection while they was growing up.

I saw how Jesus was with them and is working in their life to love their children better and to love those who feel they aren’t enough, worthless, and see no way out.  I saw them being the hands and feet and voice of Jesus speaking love over people who haven’t known or experienced true love. I saw someone who knows how to share hope and love and grace.

Last night, I sat in the presence of someone who grew up hearing your worth is based on your output, built a business and watched their family and business dissolve while making money, buying things and getting addicted to alcohol and drugs.

I saw how Jesus was with them and is working in their life to overcome the pain, overcome the voices from his past, overcome the addiction, to rebuild their family and get their kids back in their life. I saw and heard hope in their eyes and his voice.

Last night, I sat in the presence of someone who spent most of their life in a gang and behind bars. They grew up poor and in the streets and the family, the only protection, the only belonging was the gang.

I saw how Jesus was there as they struggled to verbalize the pain they feel. I saw how Jesus was with them while holding their 7-month-old son, hugged him, loved on him.  I saw someone who is still scared but has hope there may be a different path for them all.

Last night, I sat in the presence of someone who has a father who has never been a father to them, who has never taught them how to have relationship, how to be an adult, how to make good choices.

I saw how Jesus was working as they celebrate 8 months with a steady job and sleeping in a bed instead of a car and a hope of having a son they haven’t known returned to their life. I heard the desire to make better choices, to deal with pain and trauma in a new way. I heard hope.

I am starting a new blog series entitled Letting God Out of the Box sharing my experience with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I assure you my path is different than many and what I am hearing and learning is not the religious journey I grew up with. My decisions, my trauma, my pain, my hope and my faith have led me to a view of God’s love and grace I would have thought heretical only a few years ago. Yet, I believe it is God sharing with me a new vision for my life of what is love looks like, what is grace encompasses and how He is leading me to go on a journey with him that is new, that is a little scary and that will bring me to a peace I have longed for.

Last night, I saw Jesus in a different light. I saw people I had heard about but never wanted to see. They don’t show up on Sunday dressed nice driving a nice car. They are working 2 and 3 jobs just to keep their head above water and that isn’t the worst of it. They have faced brokenness I have never known. They have faced life and death situations that I have been spared from. They have faced an aloneness that is more real than anything I’ve imagined. And, I saw Jesus next to them, wanting to comfort them, wanting to give them hope, wanting to offer a hug and an “I love you more than you can know”.  It wasn’t a mountaintop experience, but a raw and deeply meaningful experience. It left a clear and distinct impression that Jesus was in that room, sharing space with pain and suffering and trauma and in the midst of all of that, His love was evident and pouring out onto each hurting person.

I am ready to let God out of the box I kept Him in for so many years and maybe give others some hope or something to think about as they wrestle with who God is and where they fit with Him.

I had my first Corona in college.  Grant, my good friend, introduced me to the mixture of Corona and lime.  For years it was an enjoyable beverage.  Maybe it was because it was from Mexico and seemed different.   Maybe it was because of how much I enjoy the flavor of lime (also why I’m a 7-Up guy over Sprite).  I don’t enjoy Corona as much as I used to but it has always held memories of fun times.

Now comes the virus.  There is nothing fun about COVID-19, also called the novel coronavirus.  Nothing fun at all.  It is doing a lot of damage.  Sickness.  Death.  Fear.  Panic.  The economy is taking a hit and there will be many not affected directly by the illness that comes with the disease who are still hurt significantly whether it be family and friends or loss of a job or business.

The coronavirus is changing the world in many ways.  It is highlighting the global nature of the world we live in.  For better or worse, we are all interconnected in many ways.  It is changing the way we do work and school and church and even going to the grocery store.  Who knows how life will look when this is past us, if and when it is.

One challenge I see in the U.S. is in our bootstrapping, self-sufficient oriented ways.  We are ten feet tall and bulletproof.  We have whipped most everyone’s butts and we will whip this invisible foe too.   We may take a hit but we are resilient and we will figure out a way to overcome this season.  This mindset has served us well in so many ways and, yet, also sets us up for greater risk and danger.

How do we control an virus like we control people?  We can’t round it up and incarcerate it.  We can’t send drones to kill it with the same anonymity it is killing so many.  We can’t wear it down with sanctions.  For the most part, it appears the greatest tool to overcome it is hiding from it and that is counterintuitive to all we have done and believe in.  Will we submit to the advice of doctors?

Submission is not our way.  Many say we are a Christian nation, a teaching that espouses submission as part of the path to eternal life but when called to submit, it’s not a posture we take easily.  I grew up in a very conservative, fundamental religious tradition and submission was not taught as a practice.  Sure, “don’t sin” was a repeated mantra but it was taught more to avoid the things that are bad for us than submission which is a proactive approach to following Christ.

So, how do I balance the proactive approach towards self-reliance and action and the proactive approach to submission?  Well, when I know that answer I will write the book and make millions.  I know part of the answer is in the problem and what is really required to address the specific problem.  Submission to God is always a part of the answer while remembering he told the Israelites to get up and move across the Red Sea and told all of us to go into all the world.  Our submission is in the listening and acting on God’s call to each of us.

We are not called to be blobs, to do nothing, to hide and live in fear while we are called to submit.  I have to see submission as an action, as a proactive choice to overcome a battle I am not equipped to fight on my own.  Whether it is submission to God to overcome my spiritual battles or to doctors to overcome physical battles, submission is action and is a tool to combat many bad things.

Today I will work on submission in my mind, my heart, and my life.

Grace and peace.

I am a work in progress.  My thoughts are not offered as the absolute correct belief but a belief or challenge or concept that is in progress with me.  What I believed in my 20’s or even 2 years ago isn’t necessarily what I believe now.  Feel free to challenge me or agree with me or disagree completely with me.  I accept that we are all works in progress and we can learn from each other.  In all of this, I hope this day brings you peace.

NOTE: I’m skipping #4 – I wish I would have stayed connected to friends.  I wrote a nice article but WordPress would not let me post it…WordPress was not my friend…so I’m moving on.  At any rate, call a friend today and tell them you are thankful for them.

I wish that I had let myself be happier

So, #5 on the regret list is that these 90 year olds lamented the fact they had lived in what life was supposed to be instead of a life they wanted it to be.  They stayed mired in their comfortable, unfilling lives instead of being bold, taking chances, going for the gusto.

I wish that I had let myself be happier

I wish I would have asked that girl out.  I wish I would have attempted that job or new venture.  I wish I had taken more trips.  I wish I would have…fill in the blank.  I am a believer that happiness, like joy, is found in contentment.  Contentment is not settling but accepting.  Things don’t always work out.  People start a business and it fails.  They can be happy that they tried.

I wish that I had let myself be happier

We all know the adage that life is a journey, not a destination.  My good friend Jerry says, “this is not a dress rehearsal.”  I have spent a good part of my life conforming to what family/people/society told me was proper and/or right and I haven’t enjoyed much of it.  The way I dressed.  My job.  The people I hung out with.  At one time they all looked good but it wasn’t me.  I’m much happier in boots, jeans and a cowboy hat than a cardigan, khakis and loafers so guess what I wear now.  It’s a simple thing but simple things add up to be complex things.

I wish that I had let myself be happier

Today is a new day.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Go create the world you dream about.  Or, at least look for the happiness in what you now have.  Many times there is much to be grateful for in what we consider a mundane life.  Look for the goodness and enjoy it.

Grace and peace.

Number 3 on the regret list…

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

It seems many people I know either hide their feelings in fear of hurting others or lash out while letting out what has been pent up for far too long.  Honestly, I think most of us could use some training on effective ways to express ourselves…and our feelings.

I worked for a guy once who always gave people the benefit of the doubt when they said “that’s how I feel.”  He said you couldn’t argue with how someone was feeling.  Maybe how they said it.  Maybe the reality of what they are perceiving.  You just couldn’t argue that it was the way they felt.

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

So, how do I express my feelings better.  How do you do it?  I’d love to get comments on this one so we can share, learn and grow.  I’m not the best at it, I can promise you that.  Then again, maybe I’m just scared of the reaction I will get.  What happens if I share my feelings, you get upset and then I feel bad for feeling bad in the first place.  What a mess.

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

Then again, maybe I need to learn something from the wisdom shared by these people.  Maybe if I share my feelings I will get better at it and people will know how I feel and understand it’s not a matter of right or wrong, it’s just how I feel.  What a concept.

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

Watch out world, you may soon know.

Grace and peace.

Another previous post I’m revisiting.  As I reread it I can’t help but flinch.  I’m not making great progress in controlling my work environment while also appreciating that the job I have is one with great opportunity for the future and there is a reward component tied to my effort.  As I told someone the other day, work/life balance is a fallacy.  Work/Life peace is what we must seek.  If I can be at peace with the effort I am giving both, all will be good.

Our western society is built on doing…doing something, doing more, doing, doing, doing. Put in the hours and you will get ahead.  I was here until 10:00 last night.  I live on coffee and more coffee.  What have you done for me lately?  I am the first one here and the last one to leave.

And then you die.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

That’s the #2 regret of a group of 90-somethings as told to their hospice nurse.  It’s opposite of what we are told and trained to do.  She said, “This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

I am one who typically puts in a 45-50 hour week but have been fortunate that I rarely missed one of my kid’s events.  I had parents who were always present and while it seemed like a lot of parenting at the time, I realize how much the kids who didn’t have parents supporting them appreciated my parents being there.  I coached my kids teams in their early years and got to be friends with their friends who played on the team.  As they grew up, the relationships often grew with both my kids and their friends.  Today, I wouldn’t trade for those moments and those memories.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

Even with all of that, I haven’t had a real vacation in years.  When I say real vacation, I mean one where I didn’t check email at least once a day.  One where I was able to be all-in on the vacation and not worry about what was going on back at the office.  It seems I am perpetually “on” with a work mindset and often not enjoying whatever else it is I could be doing.  It’s hard to turn it off and live life it seems.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

I’m not sure this will be a regret I would have but I know many who well may feel this way.  I hope you are living life, focusing on relationships and not work and enjoying the minutes you have that are yours.  As the saying goes, we need to work to live, not live to work.

Grace and peace.

I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

Another post from 2018 that I am repeating because I think there is wisdom from the article I read that I need to hear and want to share.

I’m following up on a post I wrote on December 16th (No Guarantees) about the top regrets of 90+ year olds as told to a hospice nurse.  I have and have heard many others talk about living with no regrets, doing the things that are on their bucket lists and such.  How I wish I could live with no regrets but I have a bucket full of them.  I suppose I could simply say “live with my choices and move on” and to some degree that is what I do.  Yet, I can’t help but remember some choices I made that I knew wasn’t right and I did it anyway.  On one hand some good things/lessons/people did come into my life because of those choices and I have used the lessons of the journey to help others.  On the other hand, there’s the what-if had I done things differently.  So, regrets may be a part of life so how do I minimize them?  Here’s lesson #1 from people who spent a lot of time on earth.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Oh yeah.  This thought is similar to my birthday post…living boldly, not worrying what others think about me, not needing “friends” just to be accepted.  A great idea but one that isn’t easy for the masses of which I am one.  That said, just take some time to be quiet and still and imagine reaching the end of your life and dying with the knowledge you had been true to yourself, to your heart, to your desires.

I wanted to be a psychology major when I went to college.  My parents said they would help pay for an accounting degree.  I’ve made a living most of my life doing accounting and I’ve lived my passion by trying to help people overcome life’s challenges.  I can’t help but ask myself how I would view life today if I was living my passion daily (and hopefully making money) instead of what pays the bills,  What if I had the courage to live true to myself?  Instead, I waited until nearly 50 years old to go back to school and get a degree that allows me to be more intentional and even do some training in what I am passionate about while still living by day as an accountant.  I’m working towards crafting the life I want once I can walk away from the corporate gig.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Let’s ramp it up a bit.  I’ve grown up middle-class and spend most of my time with people who are middle to upper middle-class.  They are primarily white, own (or pay the bank) for their homes, have cars for the spouse and all the kids…you get it.  Most would claim to be both Christian and Republican…or maybe Christlican because it gets blurry at times.  So I end up marrying a social worker and start to hear stories about people who are not in my peer group, who are left behind or forgotten or ignored.  Holy smokes Batman!  I just didn’t really know about these people because they don’t show up at church all dressed up and they don’t eat out at all the good restaurants.  I digress.  The point is my faith and politics have certainly diverted from the path most of my friends are on.  Do I have the courage to boldly speak up?  Will I one day regret that I wasn’t true to myself or keep going along to get along?

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Is that what I want to say on my deathbed?

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Is that what you want to say on your deathbed?

Grace and peace.