Author Archives: Seeking Peace

Black Eyed Peas

03 Friday Jan 2014

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I like the food but I’m not crazy about the band.  I had some black eyed peas this New Years Day as I have done for years and this was the last year.  Here’s why and it’s a little secret you may not want to share with everyone.  Black eyed peas don’t bring luck.  Or, if they do bring luck, I’m tired of the luck they are bringing me and rather go it alone in 2015.  Yes, I’m only 3 days into 2014 and already thinking they didn’t work.

Here’s what works.  Perseverance.  I would say it’s the only thing that brings luck but I suppose I don’t believe in luck.  Instead, I believe every event is a destiny event on a continuum of events.  I have persevered through some storms in life and perseverance has always led me through them.  Oh, I’m still in some of them and I’m still persevering.

Think of the options.  Giving up. Alcohol and drugs. Gambling. Women. Laziness. Eating. Yes, even suicide. Honestly, I’ve tried several of them.  At times I gave up on perseverance and relied on something else to get me through and while I still got through a lot of stuff, those choices often caused other problems along the way.

I have friends who tell me how strong I am.  HA!  I feel like I’m about to fall over at any minute.  I don’t sleep.  My health isn’t great.  I don’t like quietness or stillness anymore.  I don’t focus well.  I do still persevere though.  In spite of those challenges, I continue to press on.  Sleeping when I can.  Trying to eat better and exercise at least twice a year.  Attempting to accept quietness and stillness as a gift.  Trying to shut off all the external and simply to be in the moment.  It’s not always easy but what is?

I don’t feel strong but I do know perseverance is making me stronger.  Black eyed peas don’t do it.  Paralysis through worry of what I can’t control doesn’t do it.  Hopelessness and quitting doesn’t do it.  Persevering does.  Even when I feel weak, I know my friends see something I just can’t see right now because I’m in the middle of pulling the load, of marching uphill (walking 10 miles in the snow barefoot and all that good stuff too) and continuing to move forward.  Praying.  Hoping.  Accepting what is.  Persevering.

I’m not telling you to quit your black eyed peas if you like them.  It’s all well and good.  Just know that perseverance sustains me much more than black eyed peas ever has.  And luck, well it’s just a figment of the imagination.

Grace and peace.

And Then It Was 2014

01 Wednesday Jan 2014

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The old year is gone and I’m part thankful, part sad.  It was another difficult year in many ways, a year that tested me and drove me to my knees in tears.  It was also a year of learning, growing relationships, testing bonds and creating new things.  As with every year, it came with blessings and disappointments.

So, I look forward to 2014 with hope, wonder, fear and trepidation.  What will the new blessings be?  What obstacles will fall in my way?  I have a new job that could allow me to use so many abilities and gifts I have but it is an unstable environment and I don’t know that it will last long.  My youngest will graduate and then move on to college.  I’m in a new environment and away from my support group and wondering if I will be able to build relationships that sustain me in dark times and celebrate in the light.  I wonder if this is the year I turn the corner in other areas of my life that have been struggles.  Will I write my book?  Will I move?  Will I succeed in the areas I want to succeed?  Will I overcome my fears and weaknesses?  Will I do things I haven’t even dreamed of yet?

Change can be a scary thing but there is always so much hope in the new.  My prayer today is that my focus will remain on hope and that God will answer my pleadings in ways that I can see and that allow me to live in step with him.  And how I hope those steps will be in green pastures and beside still waters instead of climbing another scraggly mountainside.  There is hope.

It’s 2014.  I’m a year older and have a year less to live.  I pray that my time will be put to good things, to growing closer to God, to more quiet meditations and to being an instrument of peace, to bring light into darkness and to help others grow.  I know none of it comes free of pain at times, I just pray the pain leads to awareness and awareness to blessing.

Grace and peace.

Number 49

30 Monday Dec 2013

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A new year is quickly approaching.  For me, it will be my 49th.  And, for the record, 49 doesn’t look anything like I thought it would.  I had the picture of a happy marriage and everything perfect with the kids.  A nice house, maybe a pool, a good job and a growing retirement account.  I would have had several things accomplished; a book written, Spanish and/or Portuguese mastered, lots of traveling done and almost perfect contentment.

It’s no surprise, I suppose, that life has been messy and I haven’t accomplished all that I imagined in my head.  I’m in a dysfunctional family dynamic, a job that has me 3 hours away from where I want to be and a retirement account that’s almost worthless, a house in need of repairs, a truck with all the padding gone from where I sit and no book, no Spanish and not much traveling.

What’s the story?  What’s the reason for all of this?  I honestly don’t know.  I’ve prayed and prayed but God isn’t answering what I am asking for.  It’s caused my prayer life to be all over the place…specific prayers, broad prayers, no prayers.  I can assure you the Holy Spirit is doing lots of groaning.

I wanted things to be perfect.  My life is far from it.  I’m coming to understand my perfectionism is a big part of my problem.  I expect to do things perfect.  That means having a high dollar job close to my kids instead of an average dollar job 3 hours away.  It’s good but it’s not perfect.  I’m good but I’m not perfect either.  The trouble is, I’m not satisfied with that.  Good isn’t good enough.  Perfect is acceptable.  I told someone today that doing what I’ve got to do to get by and provide for my kids isn’t noble, isn’t special…it just is what it is.  Yet, I’m reminded today that many people don’t do that much.  My perfectionism drives me to do more thank just be acceptable, I’ve got to be extraordinary.  ALL THE TIME.  Every minute, every second of every day.

I’m starting to see how my desire to be perfect has me losing what I really want for myself; to be at peace and contented with myself.  It’s a double edge sword.

As I start my 49th year today, I hope I learn to let go of being perfect and to just be.  To be aware of what is happening around me, in me and through me in this moment and to be at peace with that, whatever it is.

Grace and peace.

Shame, Shame

27 Friday Dec 2013

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Shame.  I didn’t begin to understand shame or the damage it causes until just a few years ago.  I’m now in the middle of a couple of Brene Brown books and her research on shame and worthiness is flooding my mind.  Thoughts of days gone by, of how I have used shame and how it has been used on me and what I will attempt to do differently in the future is at the front of my mind.

A friend once told me that shame is satan’s greatest tool.  I have come to believe it.  I’m seeing how shame has shaped my vision of who I am and how (un)worthy I am of love and acceptance.  I’m seeing how shame has helped lead me down paths of destruction and despair and I never even knew it.

I’m going to have more to say about shame and worthiness as I go deeper into her material.  For now, let me say that it is one of the best studies I could be involved in and wish I had started it long ago, certainly before I raising children.  There is good information to be had about how we can stop shame and raise the level of self-worthiness that people feel and raise the level of their ability to accept themselves and others.  Oh, it’s good stuff.  I dare say it is God stuff.

Grace and peace.

It’s Over

26 Thursday Dec 2013

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Another Christmas has come and gone.  I’m glad in a way.

Christmas used to be a day filled with anticipation.  What would be under the tree?  What time would I wake up and find all that Santa had brought me?  Then it was a time of seeing the wonder in my children’s eyes.  The excitement they had for what the man in the big red suit was bringing their way.  Now, that is gone and I wonder what Christmas will mean to me in days to come because I don’t enjoy what it means now.

I’ve woken up to the 4th Christmas in a row filled with silence and void of children.  Divorce can do that.  Anyone who knows me knows how much my kids mean to me, knows what I have sacrificed to be as close to them as possible and they have an inkling of what Christmas morning is like for me.  I’m blessed with friends and family who make sure I don’t spend the day alone and I appreciate them but it’s not spending the day alone that is painful.  It’s the separation from my children even while I’m with family and friends.

I remember the last Christmas morning I spent with my kids.  I knew that would probably be the last one but I’m not sure they did.  Or if they understood.  They still wake up in the same house with only my absence being different so I’m not sure it affects them too much.  I honestly hope it doesn’t.  The last thing I want is the heartache between their mother and I to put a damper on Christmas for them.

I look forward to Christmas being over and now it is.  Now we move away from separation, move away from who gave who how much, move away from feeling like I have let them down and back to real life with all it’s hustle and bustle and it’s ups and downs.

The day turned at to be a good day once I got past the morning “blues”.  Time with close friends and meeting a new friend made the day meaningful and one I can still look back on with good thoughts.  That tells me that I am adjusting, that each Christmas that passes will be easier than the last one.  Progress may be slow but it’s still progress and for that I am thankful.

Now, 364 shopping days left to get ready for the next one!

Grace and peace.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumbllllleeeeeeee…

19 Thursday Dec 2013

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I think God enjoys wrestling with me.  The past few years have been spiritual wrestling matches where I’ve battled who I thought I was and what I thought had been taught and knew.  The changes have been crazy at times, painful at times and full of peace and joy at times.  I’m wrestling again.

I’ve found much comfort the past year in reading Jesus Calling.  I feel like it speaks directly to me and my situation so often.  I know many other people who feel the same way but I’m sure it was written directly to me some days.  Today is one of those days where the words take me to the wrestling mat.

The past 15 years of my life have been a struggle.  Personal relationships, business relationships, intimate relationships…struggle, struggle, struggle.  Through it all I have consistently grown closer to God.  There are days I feel like I have no faith left, none whatsoever, and then I find myself praying to God telling him I’ve run out of faith.  Sounds kind of crazy to pray to the being you’ve lost faith in, huh?  So, I take it my faith is growing stronger because I say things to God that would scare many people I know.  I think I’m either crazy or my faith is so strong I can say anything to God and believe he deals with it pretty well.  Maybe he laughs at my foolishness.  Maybe he gets a little angry and wants to throw a lightning bolt at me.

I remember a time I was telling my daughter she needed to do a better job of something and she fired back, “well, I don’t have a very good example, do I?”  BOOM!  My first inclination was to tell her how the cow at the cabbage, show her who’s boss, put my foot down…all those things.  But I held my tongue and soaked it in that day.  The next day, I reminded her of the conversation and then threw this little zinger back at her.  “Honey, if I’m your example, your sights are set far too low.  When Jesus is your example, then you will be on target.”

I can’t help but think that’s what God is trying to tell me.  I’m frustrated because I see a tormentor having an easier life and living better than me.  “Jeff, if that’s your example of a good life, your sights are set way too low.  Look at Jesus’ life and follow his example.”  I’m frustrated because I’m not sleeping in my own bed most nights and not near the people I want to see every chance I get.  “Jeff, it those are the things you are focused on, your sights are set way too low.  Focus on Jesus.  Remember what he did and why he did it.  Be his disciple even when it’s uncomfortable.”

I’ve got to be honest and say I don’t think God is telling me to be happy in my circumstances or even to be grateful.  Oh, I’ve read James 1:2 and I still don’t think it’s God telling me to be happy about my pain and frustration and fears.  No, I think he’s telling me to focus on what is really important.

Traveling To A Star

17 Tuesday Dec 2013

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It was a good weekend at home (once I got past the 4 hour, traffic-heavy drive).  I saw my daughter and got to spend a little time with her.  I slept in my own bed.  I got to see friends I miss and some I haven’t seen in a while.  I spent some time with someone who encourages me and makes me believe I can do things I don’t want to even think about doing.  I petted my dog more in 2 days than I have in 2 weeks.  I fed the goat anything I could just to make him happy.  I was shocked by how much ice was still on the ground at my house.  It was a good weekend.

Then, like that, I’m back in a foreign place, hauling my bags into a foreign room, checking mice traps (no mice thank goodness – hoping they aren’t smart mice just avoiding the traps) and thinking about the next 4 nights/5 days in a place where I don’t know anyone, don’t have much access to what’s going on in the world and work at a place where no one is quite sure why I’m here due to the (lack of) communication flowing.  Tomorrow, another player in the scene will show up and I’ll learn more, hopefully understanding more.  Then, I will see how this will play out, whether what I can bring to the table will be used or if I’ll be stonewalled.

I was thinking this weekend that the two main characters are more in need of mediation than anyone I’ve talked to in a long, long time.  Guess what – I have a certificate in mediation from the great State of Texas.  I’m qualified to help these guys and believe I can help these guys.  The question is whether either one of them want help.  That said, I am feeling more and more like there is a purpose for me here.  I don’t understand why it has to take me away from the people I love.  I’m still a little scared.  Still a little faithless.

I told a friend that I like the idea of purpose but when I look at the great characters of the Bible, their stories had eternal purpose.  They were bringing a message of God, about the Savior.  I’m trying to help some people build more trailers and make more money.  That’s when the thought popped into my head, “what if I’m here for more than money?  What if I’m here to show these guys something greater than what we accomplish here, what if I’m here to show them eternal purpose?”

What if…?

I started reading a book by Brene Brown today.  GREAT STUFF.  Anyway, in the intro, she says something to the effect that self-understanding is like traveling to a star.  We can never reach it but it gets brighter the closer we get.  (That’s all my paraphrase.)  I may not see the whole purpose for this journey but it’s a little brighter today than it was last week.

I still miss home though.  I miss the people I want to hold and to hug.

Instead, I’m traveling to a star.

Grace and peace.

And Then There’s This…

13 Friday Dec 2013

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Another day, another part of the journey.

I called a friend of the man who hired me yesterday to see if we could have lunch.  I had the sense he was a spiritual man and I thought he could give me insight into some of the players in this messed up situation I find myself working in.  On the way to lunch, at lunch and on the way back the man is quoting scripture like he has a Bible in front of him.  When we pull up to the office, he throws out Jeremiah 33:2-3 which I’ll paraphrase into “God knows way more than I can, even knows what I would never imagine.”  Then I read Jesus Calling yesterday and the devo basically says, “I got this.  I know way more than you and see way more than you.  There are things I’m working on in your behalf you can’t fathom.”

I guess I should be listening to all this, right?

If I think God has used me to talk to people, isn’t it realistic that he is talking to me through other people?  Or writings?

What I hear is “quit worrying, goober.  I’m taking care of things you can’t begin to imagine or understand, or at least, you don’t need to understand or know right now.  Relax.  Take care of today and I’ll take care of the tomorrows.”

I wish it was that easy.  I wish I was that quick of a learner.  I wish my faith was deeper.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  I guess all of that is what is in my hands.  I want to make the big decisions and God simply wants me to make little ones.

Grace and peace.

It’s Still Raining

12 Thursday Dec 2013

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Yesterday I mentioned Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm.  The song starts off with the idea that the singer has called on God and thought He would step in to change things but it’s still raining.  My last two posts are all about struggles.  They are about obstacles that seem to continually pop up to block a path to perceived peace, to perceived happiness, to perceived rest.

The night after writing the second post, I got home to my temporary quarters to find a mouse in my bed.  YES!  I saw him run and went to pull the covers back and no mouse.  I thought I must have imagined it when I picked up my pillow and he came flying out of the pillowcase.  What a great start.  Later, when lying in bed about to have a FaceTime chat with a loved one, the bed frame broke.

The two nights prior to last night I slept a combined 8 hours.  Last night I got 5 1/2.  I guess I can look at that and say things are improving.  It’s hard to go to sleep on a leaning bed wondering if a mouse is going to come cuddle up to me.  Or chew off an ear.

The lesson is I can call and call and call on God, say amen and it may still be raining.  I don’t know why.  I don’t understand Him.  This relationship He says He wants with me isn’t what Joel Osteen keeps promising folks.  It wasn’t the relationship most of the mighty men in the Bible had either but I’m not seeking that high of a status.

I want my job to work out but just heard there may be another buyer involved now.  It makes me even less certain this is a solution for long.  I want my relationships to work out but my job is leading me further away from the people I want to be with the most.

And I keep finding myself praying.  I keep going back to God.  Even I have to ask myself why after awhile.  Today’s Jesus Calling devotional said to share my dreams with Him.  So far, “NOPE” is the answer I have gotten to my dream requests.  I know the answer was no because I was very specific.  For the last four years I have made some very specific dream requests and the answer has been NO.  NO.  NO.

And I keep finding myself praying.  And it’s still raining.

Grace and peace.

The Journey – Part 17b/The Brain On Overload

11 Wednesday Dec 2013

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A side note to begin…I’ve written over 1,250 blog posts.  Wow.  Number 1,250 was about the spiritual giants I met at Belton Church of Christ.  I think that’s pretty cool.

So Monday (this post will go up on Wednesday) was a difficult day for me.  Tuesday I woke up and was bombarded with Jesus Calling’s devotional for December 10.  I referenced part of it in my last post and will add this from the second paragraph, “Instead of yearning for a problem free life, rejoice that trouble can highlight your awareness of My Presence.”  Well, yuck!  Really, who wants to rejoice about troubles?

There was a day when I said, bring it on Lord, because I cherished the growth I was experiencing in my mind and in my heart.  Today, I’m asking the Lord for a respite.  At the same time, there is someone in my life who is desiring growth and it’s hard for me to encourage them to grow while wanting to take a break myself.

Back to the story, I read Jesus Calling then turned on iTunes radio and the first song is Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns.  Well, isn’t that unfortunate.  I didn’t catch the title of the next song but it was about everything falling apart by Sidewalk Prophets.  Well, that was unfortunate too.  You see, I needed a song about everything being easy and the storms being behind me.  Then, I heard Laura Story sing Blessings before I walked out the door and My. BRAIN. IS. ON. OVERLOAD.  What are you trying to tell me God?

Give it a listen here…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ and here’s a version with lyrics…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMeFzFUbmJo

I don’t want to miss God’s blessings.  I really don’t.  I want some peace and comfort but I may need to accept that peace and comfort is often disguised.

I need to return to my simple prayer I prayed when my world first crumbled before me.  “Lord, open my eyes to see what you want me to see.  Open my ears to hear what you want me to hear.  Open my mouth to say what you want me to say.  If I do this Lord, it will be a good day.  Amen.”

Grace and peace.