I first posted my blog post, Bug Guts, on September 23, 2010.  Since then I have referenced it a few times because it was a good lesson that day following a very, very hard stretch of years.  The 22nd of September was very hard for me that year and it’s a date that still tears at my heart thought time is softening the blow.  Even though the pain around that date subsides there is other pain, other dates, other events and the emotions I was having while writing it and thoughts that surrounded me are still appropriate today.  The 22nd now represents an unraveling, an exhibition of what evil in this world can do.  The 23rd represents a new day, a new hope and the power of what God can do to make all things new.  For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling hope and Bug Guts reminds me of what happens when we survive the storm.

I’m driving home from Abilene and the windshield is a mess of bug guts and other stuff from the road that makes looking out the windshield a mess, not impossible to see but certainly not clear.  Add driving at a rate of speed that might just be a smidge over the speed limit and it’s a recipe for a mess.  I can’t see clearly but I’m still going 80-to-nothing (no, I wasn’t going 90).  I seem to go through life that way too often.  Anyway, I’m rolling down the highway and all of the sudden I am driving through a downpour.  Buckets of rain are falling and I have to turn the windshield wipers on high to try and keep up.  I’m listening to the rhythm of the wipers and doing my best to see the lines on the road and then, poof, the storm is left behind.  It is then that I notice I am driving with a much cleaner and clearer windshield.

It’s a true story but also a story of God.  I am speeding through life, going too fast, vision impaired and then I hit a storm.  As bad as the storm is, God uses it to slow me down and clean up with the windshield so I can see His desire for me more clearly.  The storm helped me, even though it caused some problems at the time, because it made me slow down, think and it helped clean my windshield so I could see my way more clearly. 

Thank you God for knowing what I need, always better than I know myself.

Grace and peace.

This isn’t my dream life.

When I was young I dreamed I would play basketball for the rest of my life.  I worked hard at it.  I practiced daily.  I shot free throws with my eyes closed.  I worked on my hook shot.  Hundreds upon hundreds of shots every day of every week.  My basketball career ended in high school.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a dentist.  Then I took chemistry.

When I went to college I wanted to be a psychology major and play with people’s minds.  I got an accounting degree instead.  I left college thinking I was going to buy out a solo practice I had interned at over the summer.  The job lasted 3 months before he laid me off because his biggest client went bankrupt.  I still thought I would be a hotshot accounting guy and got a job with a firm in Fort Worth where I learned I preferred the legal aspects of the job and the consulting opportunities.  I got laid off after 3 years because I didn’t want to be a tax accountant and the firm closed their consulting division.

Somewhere along the path I applied to and was accepted to law school.  I was going to go through the night program but realized I would spend no time with my 4 and 6 year old children for the next 4 years.  I went to work for a couple of private businesses where I thought I would stay forever and have ownership.  Talk about a pipe dream.

I thought I would be married forever, raise great kids (the one dream that is still real and active), travel and fly-fish all over the world.  I dreamed life would be great.

I’m unemployed, divorced and see my children as much as the law allows.

This isn’t the life I dreamed.  Not even close.

It’s easy for me to focus on the bad days, the hard days, the down days.  I don’t know that it is uncommon that I can do that.  However, as I told my daughter one day, were it not for a marriage to her mom I wouldn’t have her.  If it wasn’t for one job ending I may not have had the experiences and met the people I’ve known over the course of my life.  Were it not for the challenges I might not strive for nor appreciate the good  times.

I hate were I am in life.  HATE IT.  Yet, I also believe there are things I am learning I will appreciate greatly in days to come.  There are people I am meeting that I would never had known otherwise.

It’s not the life I dreamed but it’s the life I have.  It’s my choice to make the most of it.

Grace and peace.