Author Archives: Seeking Peace

Gimme A Break!

22 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life, Prayer

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I’m job hunting.  I’m consulting.  I’m praying.  A lot.  I would like to have a good paying job that allows me to accomplish several personal hopes and dreams.  Somewhere in all of this I need to catch a break.  I have interviewed for a couple of positions and thought they went well but nothing came from it.  I have had business owners tell me they want me to consider working for them but we all seem to still be considering it.  I have had owners tell me they want to use me for some long term consulting only to put it off or be more sporadic than originally thought.  Gimme a break!

Maybe I’m waiting on God to give me a break.  I don’t know about all that but I do know this; when the break comes I will be ready to prove myself beyond what is expected of me.  I needed a sabbath.  I needed to collect myself and get my feet under me.  Life hasn’t been all that kind to me and there have been parts of getting beat up that I haven’t responded to well.  I needed some time off, time to think, time to walk, time to talk to God.  And I thank God that He has given me this time.  Now I’m ready.  I just need a break (also known as answered prayers).

I always love an inspirational story and many know this one.  This lady is one of my favorites because of her ability to change the look on someone’s face.  She got her break and she grabbed it with both hands.  Certainly an inspiration to me.

Grace and peace.

Blogging Blues

21 Thursday Feb 2013

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I’ve had the blogging blues.  I think about stuff to write but I don’t want to write it.  I suppose it follows the changes in life…good days, not so good days, downright bad days.  Or, maybe I write when there is a lot on my mind and can’t write when there is too much on my mind.  So here are some random thoughts.  (I always enjoy reading these weeks and months later to see where my head was because I know what it all means and a lot of other readers don’t.  Yes, I’m stingy that what.)

Had lunch with a good friend yesterday and we fired up the talk about being “happy.”  My friend knows I am not a fan of people wanting to be happy when I think there are better and deeper things to strive for.  Heck, I want to be happy and I generally am happy but it doesn’t take much thinking about wanting a job and not getting it or how to pay for something when money is tight or how someone treated me to make me unhappy.  When people pull out the “God wants me to be happy” card I always ask them if they read the story of Job.  Or David, the man after God’s own heart.  If that’s happy, it’s not always pretty.

There’s a job I really want right now but it doesn’t exist yet.  That’ a bit of a struggle, huh?  The job is working in an area that I’m passionate about on two fronts: helping people get through conflict and helping people get on their feet when they’ve been kicked, hit, run over, etc.  I read Jesus Calling daily and every day the message tells me to trust God and to be thankful for where I am and what He is doing in this time and space.  I’m trying but it hasn’t stopped me from telling Him about this job and asking Him to open the doors and pave the road to make it happen.

Today, Jesus Calling started with this sentence.  TRUST AND THANKFULNESS WILL get you safely through this day.

Negative people weigh me down.  Last night was a “weigh-downer” and that’s all I need to say about that right now.

On the bright side, I got a call from a friend who knows of a job opportunity he wants to recommend me for and asked for my resume.  Maybe it’s not the dream job or maybe it is.  SO THANKFUL for good friends and good contacts.

I have determined I like consulting work when I don’t have to do it for a living.  I thought it’s what I always wanted for a career.  I do enjoy it but I enjoy building relationships within an organization better.  In consulting, I work with the owner primarily and hope they follow my suggestions.  Working in an organization allows me the space to plan, develop and execute the project and build relationships with all those working on it.  I can be a coach, encourager and mentor directly to the people involved along the path.  It’s good to do new things, explore new things and learn new things.  This is something I have learned about me.

Enough already.  Time for the rambling to cease and some productivity to start.

Grace and peace.

Memories

16 Saturday Feb 2013

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

I get sentimental.  It’s true.  I think about days past, about the people and places that have been a part of my life, about the ups and downs, the great events and the lowest moments.  I think about memories.

I have spent my hours on some misbegotten dreams, and I have spent my money on some foolish-hearted things, and I have spent my memories on old and bitter wine.  –
Robert Earl Keen, Jr., I Would Change My Life

When I look back, I see so much devastation.  There are memories of my children.  There are beautiful and scenic vacation vistas.  There are big rainbow trout at the end of a fly line.  There are Christmases and fireworks.  Lots of good things.  Yet, I think back on my memories as misbegotten dreams, as foolish-hearted things, as old and bitter wine.

Maybe it’s because my wounds of recent pains still hurt so bad.  Maybe I am pessimistic and just don’t want to believe it.  Maybe it’s because some people around me seem to have little hope at times or remember the good things as the roads not traveled.

I hope time and prayer and faith and good friends will help my thought of memories change.  I hope to remember the bad times as learning experiences and see the good things I’ve taken from them.  I’m not there yet.  Maybe tomorrow.

Grace and peace.

Anxious Anxiety

15 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by in Christian Living, Faith, Prayer

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

It’s easy to be anxious for some of us.  I suppose there are people who have never experienced anxiety.  I know there are others who have been anxious people who learned to grow past it.  There are others who will likely die in anxiety of death.

Jesus said, “Do not be anxious.”  It sounds like He was serious out it.  I know God was.

Someone recently said to me, “How can I not be anxious?”  Let’s face it.  Most of us are never going to go through life completely free of concerns, even worry.  The question is how do we go through life: trusting in God with some healthy level of concern that keeps us alert to what opportunities are put in our path or worried that things will fall apart even though we have no evidence it will fall apart?

I find those who are most anxious are most concerned with how they think life is supposed to look.  At least that’s been my personal experience.

I realized the way I think things should be isn’t the best way it should be.  I would NEVER suggest God allow His son to be crucified on the cross.  If God thinks that’s the best thing to do for my life, how do I decide what is best without His will and guidance?

I am learning to live with less anxiety (not without, just less!) as I realize the God who gave His son for me is the same God who doesn’t want anything bad for me.  He’s the God who wants to give me all He knows I need.  Maybe not what I think I need but, again, I would never have suggested God sacrifice His son.  If He will do that, what can I really worry about it?  That life doesn’t look like I think it should?

God, show me Your ways.  Open my eyes to Your path for me.  Open my heart to trust fully in You.  Speak deeply into me Father.  I want to know Your peace.  Always.

Grace and peace.

On the Other Hand…

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

Yes, two posts in one day.  It’s because I wrote When Gratefulness Isn’t Enough a few days ago when I was the lowest of my lows.  I was angry, mad, disgusted, frustrated with many other emotions flowing.  Last night and this morning weren’t significantly better.  I had more harsh words with God.

Then I had lunch.  It was at Fuzzy’s.  I know things are better when I get to have lunch at Fuzzy’s.  It was with a guy I didn’t know but knew of through some friends.  It’s a guy with contacts but it was more than that.  It was a guy who asked some good questions, who said some things to help me reorient my thought processes and encouraged me to stay focused on a passion and to believe God is working in the plans.  It was a good lunch.

It doesn’t make the pain and the fear I face go away.  It helps me see it differently though.

It reminded me there are the things the world tells me and there are the things I believe God is speaking into me.  There is security in money and possessions says the world, there is security in having nothing – no assets, no debts, nothing of this world, no bondage says God.  (No, I’m not saying God wants us to live as paupers, only that He wants us to trust in Him.)

I’m ready to sell all I have if I need to.  I’m ready to run through my retirement account if I need to.  I’m ready to pursue what I believe is a dream that God is drawing in my mind and if I’m living in that, finances and relationships and other things will work out as best they can.  Sure, the people that torment me may still torment me.  Sure, the bills will still come due.  Sure, there will be bad days.  There will also be a lot of good days, a lot of positive things happening and maybe some of those rough spots will smooth out.

Sometimes I need to work through my hard times in hard ways.  I need to process, to think, to withdraw to a place that is safe for me.  I ask my closest friends to pray for me in these times and hope they understand it helps me to think it out, sort it out, even speak/write it out.  I’m an introvert and that’s what introverts do.  Once I work through it, I can move on.

I’m ready to move on.  I’m ready to be grateful.  I’m ready to be hopeful.  I’m ready to trust.  I’m ready to find the path that is the right path for me.  I expect ups and downs as I get there and I also expect to find good things at the end of the road.

Sometimes the days are dark.  Very dark.  On the other hand, some days are beautiful and filled with joy.  I’m looking towards the “on the other hand” days.

Grace and peace.

When Gratefulness Isn’t Enough

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I’ve tried to be on a gratefulness track.  What I mean is that I am trying to live intentionally grateful for the good things in my life instead of so easily seeing the negative.

It doesn’t always work.

The preacher at our church is currently teaching on lament.  Google defines lament as “a passionate expression of grief.”  This afternoon has been full on lament for me.  I’m dealing with someone who has the ability to rip my heart out time after time.  (I can explore the ideal of me letting that happen another time.)  Today was no different and lament was in full swing.  Tears flowing.  Shouting at God.  No, SHOUTING at God.  Why?  Why?  What’s the purpose?  What I have done to have to endure this?  What haven’t I done that is causing me to have to endure this?  Where are you?  Why don’t you stop it?  Why don’t you act in ways that stop people from doing what they want without regard for anyone else?

Yes, I asked what the problem was and if there was another alternative.  The response was simply “I don’t want to do anything for you.”  Now, if it was feeding my dog or checking my mail, no big deal.  When it comes to what I love the most on this earth, and that is known by the other party, well, what the #$%^ God?

Yeah, my passionate expressions of grief can get pretty brutal.  I’m trusting God to understand how bad I hurt right now, to keep me safe and to confine my sharp tongue to my blog and no one else.  I’m trusting God to give me space to get through this and to return to gratefulness for the time I do have with my kids instead of being focused on the time that has been robbed from me.

I can’t stop what other people say to them.  I can’t stop their pain from the biting words they hear.  And that hurts all the more.  A dad wants to protect and defend.  It just doesn’t work that way all the time though.

At some point, I will talk to God and ask for His help in returning to a state of gratefulness.  I’ll thank Him for all the blessings I have.  For now, I still have some passionate expressions of grief to discuss.

Grace and peace.

And maybe a wallop with the 2X4 on those who try to steal it.

The End of Other’s Lessons

06 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Someone I wish I knew better recently responded to a blog about a situation that I can identify with in many ways.  When we look at our battles, we can look around and see others who face tougher battles, at least in our eyes, and who do so with grace.  They teach us lessons that are valuable.

Yet, they are only lessons.

As I’ve journeyed through my dark valleys, I have had many who marched beside me and who have taught me many valuable lessons.  They have helped me to see my situation in a different light.

They helped me see the lessons.

I have found the comfort of others and the lessons they teach only last so long because, at some point, I am back in the muck and the mess of my life and I have to LIVE it.  The listening, seeing and understanding of problems can teach me lessons but I have to LIVE the lessons.  I have to decide to trust God or not trust God.  I have to decide to live gratefully or live fearfully.  I have to decide to press on or draw back.  I have to decide how I WILL LIVE the rest of my days.  And do it!

I can decide today that I will live gratefully but that doesn’t mean I’ll still be living that way tomorrow.  It’s another decision I have to make.

I’m thankful for the stories of others, for their encouragement, for their lessons, for their faith in me to share what they know.  Very thankful.  But at some point I come to the end of other’s lessons and have to make the decision for myself of how I will live this day and how I will take on the obstacles and share in the victories.

From Jesus Calling on February 6…

Come to me and rest.  I am all about you, to bless and restore.  Breathe Me in with each breath.  The way just ahead of you is very steep.  Slow down and cling tigthly to My hand.  I am teaching you a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship.

Learned only by hardship.  By me.  That’s exciting (heavy sarcasm intended).

My lessons have to be my own.  Lived out by me.  I much rather live my life through other people’s stories but it doesn’t work that way.  Today, I will choose to cling to the hand of God, to prepare to take the steep path with Him giving me strength.  And I ask Him for the strength to keep making that decision in the days to come.

Grace and peace.

Birthdays Come and Gone

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by in Life, Prayer

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , ,

Birthdays are markers of sorts.  For some of us, they are a marker of time passing swiftly by.  For some, it is the freedom of a drivers license and a car.  For others, it may be full of memories.

As I’ve moved through the past few years with a great deal of pain, I have protected myself.  Reading another blog the other day, I came across the following which has so aptly described me:

What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.

I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.

I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.

So what does that have to do with birthdays.  Since my divorce, I have built walls around my heart and made the personal decision I would never again set myself up for the emotional train wreck I’ve been living for the past 12 years.  Somehow, I allowed two women to get close and the alarm went off and I moved on.  Maybe there were good reasons for moving on.  Maybe God had more in store for each of us than what was.  Either way, as I read the words above, for some reason I thought about the birthdays of the two women who tried to tear down my walls.  I thought about markers in time, my passing years, the days between the birthdays we shared and today and what has happened in the meantime.  This remembrance came just a few moments after recounting my divorce, the years before and the pain of separation from my children that still enflame the wounds of my heart.  I stopped and prayed for these two women, these warriors who tried to help me only to be met with resistance.  I prayed for their hearts, for their families and for what God is planning to do in their futures.  I asked that it be to His glory and a glorious ride for both of them.

And then what for me?  The wall hasn’t crumbled.  My desire to live in gratefulness is elusive at this moment.  The rollercoaster ride that is my life took another dip.

I trust there will be better days and that some of these hard days are good reminders of where I’ve been and where I’m headed.  Yet, it hasn’t stopped my support of the walls, of the numbness I often live in.  What will God do with that?  Will He be able to tear it down or does that all depend on me?  Will he send someone who will make me want to tear down the walls?  Or, do I simply have to come closer to Him because I use the wall to try and keep Him at a distance too?

I have no answers today.  I may have no answers tomorrow.  So, I keep asking God to let me see with His eyes.  Maybe one day things will be different…

Grace and peace.

More Gratefulness Project

01 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

Sometimes I’m scared.  I worry about what the future holds, if I’ll be able to support my kids the way that I want to, if I’ll be able to stay in my house and lots of other fears.

Sometimes I withdraw.  I have wounds that run deep and the pain comes around and I want to drop out of sight and wallow in my self-pity.  Or, I remember the things I’ve done to hurt others and think it’s better for me to not get close to anyone else lest I hurt them or let them down.

There are more of these types of traits I could explain but I get the idea already.  The point is, these are choices.  I choose to acknowledge my hurt and feel pain.  There’s nothing wrong with that because those feelings are real.  HOWEVER, I also choose to acknowledge those feelings and I choose how I will respond.  I can respond with fear, withdrawal or avoidance OR I can respond with understanding and gratefulness for what God has in store for me.

This is why I term gratefulness as a project.  It’s a work in progress, something that I sometimes fail at handling in the best way and sometimes I take the better route.  My prayer is that I will continue to take the better path more and more often and I do that by the choices I make.

Here’s a video that’s worth the 10 minutes or whatever it will take.  Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPW3EB5U0bo

Grace and peace.

The Gratefulness Project Goes On

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

,

Monday night I got to hang out with a group of people who work together.  They laughed and talked and exhibited the camaraderie of a group who enjoys the company of each other and what they do day to day.  A good friend is the leader of the pack and invited me to join them for a night at the Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo.  What a treat.  (Thanks to Lisa for the invite and if you buy boots, buy Justin Boots!)

As someone who is now traveling the consulting path, I find myself missing some of the interaction with co-workers.  I spend several days alone, working at home or having a free day.  Now, when I was working a regular job I longed for the days I could get away and have some peace and quiet.  Now that I have lots of peace and quiet, I kind of miss the back and forth of working with people.

So what does gratefulness have to do with all this?  Well, I’ve learned to be grateful for time and space I have got to experience.  I’ve learned to be grateful for my experiences with co-workers and what they have to offer.  I am learning to be grateful for God’s work at putting me where I need to be at this present time and trust that He has the path planned for me in the days to come.

Grace and peace.