Author Archives: Seeking Peace

This Present Moment

05 Saturday Jan 2013

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I hear much teaching about living in the present moment.  Don’t dwell on the past too much.  Don’t worry about the future too much.  Live fully today.

Today I’m crying.  Buckets full of tears.

In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains.  In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined.  I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort.  Only the pain of loss and of being alone.  I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment.  A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized.  Today, it is massive.  As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more.  More time.  More touching.  More voices.  In this present moment, I am hurting.  And crying.  I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.

In this present moment, I am hurting.  I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing.  The bills don’t quit coming.  The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming.  The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.

This present moment is filled with sadness.  And hurt.  And anger.  I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses.  Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold.  It feels the same way within me.

Will there be better days?  I expect so.  Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them?  I hope so.  Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)?  Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time?  Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment.  That’s just life.  My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”.  People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing.  Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself.  I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.

I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard.  Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment.  Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey.  I take these times hard.  I do.  It’s who I am.  And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am.  Maybe that’s the lesson.  Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of.  This vessel that is me is weak and fragile.  Well, so be it but I want my kids back.  I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them.  One more meal.  Oh how I long for that moment.

In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt.  I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go.  I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on.  I will go back amidst the tears.  I will prepare to leave amidst the pain.  I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight.  All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly.  I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days.  I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.

If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal.  I just want it all today.  Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan.  I just want it now.  Know the tears will dry and I expect better days.  It’s just not what I’m feeling right now.  Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness.  I just want it in this moment.  Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop.  I just want to be out of the valley now.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart.  Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.

Grace and peace.

Do You Know My Pain?

03 Thursday Jan 2013

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I read some quotes by a well known preacher spoken to those considering suicide.  I can only wonder if he truly understands their pain?  I have grown up hearing how people who commit suicide are selfish.  How they will burn in hell.  How they are this and that and nothing ever good.

Do you ever wonder what people who have committed suicide must have been thinking?  Battling?  Do you ever wonder what wounds they were carrying?  How they perceived the way people had treated them?

I realize this isn’t a pretty subject but I tend to approach things from the dark side so often.  My point is this, what am I doing today to show the love of Jesus to someone around me.  Someone who may be hurting so badly and so deeply that I can’t know it.  Or do I simply ignore it in my busyness?  How can I be the essence of love today?

You see, I believe the love of Christ can save anyone.  And, I believe we are called to be the love of Christ.

So, when I hear about someone committing suicide, I can only think they were not surrounded by the love of Christ.  Who’s fault is that?  No, I don’t take the blame for someone committing suicide.  Afterall, it was their choice in the end.  Yet, you won’t hear me talking about how selfish they are or where they will spend eternity.  In fact, I can’t help but wonder if Christ doesn’t surround them with the love they must have been missing while on this earth.  It’s a question I may never have an answer for.

The love of Christ saves.  The love of Christ can stop Newtown massacres.  The love of Christ can stop suicides.  The love of Christ can end wars.  The love of Christ has the power to end pain.

Oh Lord, let me show someone your love today.

Grace and peace.

A New Year. A New Peace?

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

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Peace is something I need and that I am diligently searching for in my life.  I do not feel as if I have known peace for many years.  Oh, there have been moments.  Vacation week at Fun Valley always brought moments of peace.  There have been others but they are more fleeting and I want a peace that lasts.  The thing is, it’s a choice I make but I don’t always make the right choice.  Here’s another guest post (www.tinybuddha.com) about finding more peace.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-steps-to-release-your-fear-and-feel-peaceful/

Happy New Year!

Grace and peace.

The Lion Tamer

31 Monday Dec 2012

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Anxiety is a killer.  I’m full of it right now but working to overcome it.  I’m unemployed and about out of money.  I’ve just entered a new year of my life that should be one where things are on track.  They aren’t.  That’s a recipe for internal disaster if ever I’ve known one.

This is a post I read on Tiny Buddha (www.tinybuddha.com) and one that I need to read and read again.  I hope you enjoy.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcoming-anxiety-moving-from-fear-to-presence/

Grace and peace.

Word Harder, Work Faster

30 Sunday Dec 2012

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The words of the title were words of advice the Managing Partner of a CPA firm I once worked for gave me during the closing days of tax season.  Work harder, work faster.  Isn’t this the mantra of our day, of our society?  Work, work, work, Do more, more, more.  Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.  I have been taught that the value of my life was in my production.  At church.  And at work.  And in relationships.

This is a post from my good friend, David Lewis.  It’s not about production through more work but through peace.  I love it and share it hoping it is a post I will come back to again and again.

http://themannaman.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/slow-down-you-move-too-fast/

Slow down.  Find peace.  Enjoy it.  Live in it.

Grace and peace.

Off the Reservation

29 Saturday Dec 2012

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OK, since I’m not really telling any of my friends about this blog, it’s a good time for me to get this out in the open.  I’m intrigued with Buddhism.  Intrigued may not be the right word but I haven’t given time to a study of Buddhist teaching yet but intend to.

NO, I’m not becoming a Buddhist in the sense that I’m leaving Christianity.  In fact, what little I know so far about Buddhist teaching only enhances my Christ-following walk.  Buddhist aren’t afraid to talk about suffering and pain and how to move through and past suffering and pain.  That’s what I really, really like about them.  They teach living in the present moment and accepting all that comes with it, both good and bad.  Sound like any of Christ’s teachings?  I appreciate the idea of Karma because I’ve read that you reap what you sow.  I appreciate the teachings about the present moment because I’ve read not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it’s own.  I appreciate the teachings about enduring suffering and moving past it because Christ died for my eternal soul, not just what I am doing today.  I appreciate the teaching and practice of meditation because God said, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Buddhists are good at living out what they teach whereas I’ve grown up in a Christian environment where I have been taught to work harder and study less.

In the upcoming weeks, I’ll be using some guest posts to share what’s going on in my mind.  Remember, these are for me so if you don’t like it I hope you’ll at least take some time to think about what is being said.

Yes, I’m venturing off the reservation on which I’ve grown up but like so many I have found there is a world outside the bubble that teaches things of great benefit to me to help me on my journey to grow closer to God and closer to peace within myself.

Grace and peace.

Wounds and Respect

28 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Conflict Resolution, Friendship

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I was talking with an old friend the other day about the struggles of his marriage.  I didn’t count the number of times he mentioned respect as an issue between both he and his wife but as I think about the conversation, wounds and respect are two topics that keep coming back to mind.

The wife faced abuse as a child from her father that I cannot imagine.  I cannot imagine how scary it was for her.  I cannot imagine the wounds it has left deep within her that affect how she sees other men, especially her husband.  I wonder if she sees God like she remembers her father and sees her husband the same way – as someone who should take care of her and protect her but cannot live up to what she wants or expects.

The husband isn’t perfect either.  He has battled his own demons that have caused problems between them that partially result from his childhood and the wounds he experienced.  He wants someone who is there, who is consistent, who in in control of their emotions and desires.  She has made choices during their marriage that conflict with all of that and leaves him with trust issues.

Their wounds are deep and ingrained after years of living with them but not doing much to address them and overcome them.  It has left them in a position where their wounds have created expectations and their failure to live up to those have caused a lack of respect for each other.  How can a relationship survive without respect?

William Ury, author of The Power of a Positive No says that we cannot respect another until we first respect ourselves.  Respect is best given from a position of power, not over another but within oneself.  If I respect myself, it is much easier for me to show respect to another because I have all I need within myself.  Gaining the other person’s respect only adds to my power but is not the foundation of my strength.

I wish I had begun to understand the power of wounds and power of respect several years ago.  I have a relationship that is in dire need of help but without the opportunity to communicate regularly.  Knowing what I know now, even in the infancy of my understanding, would have led me to greater hopes of saving a relationship that has been devastating to lose.  Hopefully, knowing I I know now will allow me to maintain and improve relationships in the future.

Grace and peace.

Scary Sound of Silence

27 Thursday Dec 2012

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The day I originally wrote this I was hoping to hear from someone very special to me.  It didn’t happen.  The sound of silence was deafening.

I find I often have noise going on around me.  The TV is playing in the background.  Sport radio is on.  I’m going somewhere in a hurry and stuffing more than I can do in a day into the day so I don’t stop, I don’t have anytime for the scary sound of silence.

Sometimes silence is scary because of what we might hear.  Other times it is scary because of what we do not hear.  Hearing something that calls us on the carpet, reopens old wounds or is news we don’t want to deal with is scary.  Not hearing from that special someone or waiting on someone to call back to talk about a job when I’m unemployed and money is running short leaves me wondering how important I am to them.

Silence can be a scary, scary thing yet it is something we must learn to deal with, learn to address, learn to accept and learn how to work through whatever comes from it.  I’m still learning.

Grace and peace.

 

When Christmas Hurts

26 Wednesday Dec 2012

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I remember Christmas being a wonderful experience for many years.  The joy of getting out of school, family and friends, presents under the tree and food, oh the wonderful food.  In my college years it was a time of seeing old friends and telling and re-telling stories of days gone by followed by a changing of times as work and holidays collided.  Then came the glory years with kids of my own.  The start of the great years, of the exuberance of children and the joy in their eyes and actions.  Those were the best days of my life.  Then came the divorce and Christmas Day changed forever.

Forever changed and forever aware of new realities.  Aware of how many people hurt more than usual at Christmas.  Aware of how many people are suffering and how the Christmas season intensifies the suffering.  Aware how words of joy for some are words that hurt for others.  Aware that while some rejoice in gathering with family and friends, others hurt more being in that environment than being alone and quiet.

I still enjoy the idea of Christmas but the 25th of December is a day I know comes with pain and I hurt for those who are hurting.  This season will be over soon and a new year begins and I pray that those who hurt during this time will find healing and peace in the year to come.

Grace and peace.

Random Thoughts

20 Thursday Dec 2012

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I feel less like taxing my brain today than I normally do…

This Mayan calendar thing.  As a Christian I don’t get worked up about it because I’m ready for the second coming.  I don’t care whether Mayans have it right because we won’t be around to worry about it.  On the other hand, if the world ends tomorrow I will be a little disgruntled I spent so much time in crowds Christmas shopping.

Wind.  Good heavens, it is blowing like crazy in Decatur, TX.  Last night I was driving through a dust storm.  Today, part of the wall on my shed is gone.

I’m an Advocare guy.  I don’t promote it but I like their products and buy it for my son and I primarily.  Today I saw this video and I’m liking the idea…http://www.advocare.com/canyou24/

I just sold a watch on EBay.  After the auction closes, the winner shoots me a message and asks if I will retract his offer.  He said his wife was bidding on another watch and won so he doesn’t need this one.  Uh, hello?  Now he’s a ghost and I’ve got to drag EBay into the fray.  Frustrating.

I used to watch a lot of college basketball.  A LOT.  The only time I’ve watched a full game in the last two years is during March Madness.  What’s happened to me?

I’ve started making sausage balls for the kids to eat.  They love them and, well, I do too.  I made the biggest batch I’ve ever attempted a few nights ago.  When the timer went off, I decided I needed to leave them in for 2 more minutes.  I didn’t reset the timer.  10 minutes later the smell reminded me I had not taken them out.  Oops.

Take out Mexican food is never as good at eat-in Mexican food.  I’m not counting fast food restaurants in that statement.

I’m still heartbroken over the Newtown, CT tragedy.  I watched a bit of President Obama’s comments on his new task force and hope something happens that will limit these incidents.  While I don’t agree with everyone else all the time, it is good that dialogue will start and I hope all the issues will be on the table to address.  A baseball blogger, Jamey Newberg, had a book release party last night with lots of auction items and has raised over $19,000 for the family of one of the girls killed in the school who have North Texas/Texas Rangers roots.  I cannot imagine losing one of my children like that.  I pray the Lord heals those families in ways that no mortal will ever be able to understand.

Grace and peace.