Author Archives: Seeking Peace

The Joy of Voices

19 Wednesday Dec 2012

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Tonight is one of those special nights.  I’m listening to the voices of my daughter and her friends as they watch movies and celebrate Christmas with each other.  They have all gone to different schools and are coming back together for the first time since August.  There is joy, laughing, intense story-telling and great recollections.  They are a group who picks up wherever they left off.  Of course, it’s different in this time of Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Oovoo and the all the other technology they have to stay connected.

The real joy is mine though.  I am home alone.  Alot.  It’s my choice so I do enjoy the peace and quiet but I also long for the days when I was at home with my children every night, hearing their voices, being in their presence.

Tonight, while not sitting in their midst the whole night, I have truly enjoyed my interaction with them and am so thankful to their youthful, happy voices.  They still have their lives and the world in front of them and are enjoying times of little responsibility, little stress, little fear.  I’m a bit envious of their position in life.

Mostly, I’m just happy as I hear them laugh, hear them talk, debate, joke, speak in foreign accents…I’m just happy.

Grace and peace.

Where Is God?

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

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Where is God?  It’s the easy question to ask after what just happened in Newtown, Connecticut.  Where is God?

Some would say our problems start with prayer not being a part of the daily school routine.  Really?  I would say that God IS in schools when He is in in the heart and actions of those in the schools.  I would say that prayer exists in schools when believers take the time to pray – alone or with group of people.

I can’t help but wonder how many people railing against prayer being taken out of school allow their children to spend their time on the X-Box and PS3 playing Call of Duty or Hitman or Grand Theft Auto.  Where is God in that?  Where is God in spending hours on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest?  Where is God on HBO or TNT or most of the network channels?  Where is God in the lyrics of so many of the songs being played over and over.

I am not saying that any of these activities are bad in and of themselves (well, some of the video games are over the top, song lyrics are reprehensible and TV shows full of smut) and some of these things offer opportunities for fellowship where God can be exalted (think Duck Dynasty on A&E!).

The point is, God is wherever we invite Him to be.  God is in our midst whether we are reading the Bible or overindulging at the bar.  God is in our midst whether times are great and we don’t really need him or we are confused and baffled over why 20 children are murdered and we don’t know why He didn’t prevent it.  God is always in our presence.  The question may be do we always seek God so that we can live in His presence?

Grace and peace.

Newtown and Gun Control

17 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by in Faith, Prayer

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I’m a firm believer that guns are not responsible for the death of people.  Knives are not responsible for the death of people.  Cyanide is not responsible for the death of people.  Fertilizer is not responsible for the death of people.

What do we say to the parents who lost children in China?  What do we say to the Jews?  What do we say to Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims?  What do we say to the families who lost family in Oklahoma City?  What do we say to the victims of drunk drivers?  There are plenty of statistics floating around about the number of drunk driving deaths being higher than random gun violence.

We have to solve the problem, not the symptom or the result.  People are responsible for the death of people.  Hearts that are not right are responsible for the death of people.  Minds that need attention are responsible for the death of people.  When will this country decide to face the problem instead of the result?

To that end, I issue this simple prayer.

Lord, prepare me for battle.  Arm me with every piece of weaponry you armed your son, Jesus, with as he walked the earth.  Give me strength, wisdom, courage and desire to face evil in this world the way Jesus faced evil.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

Hurting

15 Saturday Dec 2012

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What happened in Newtown, CT yesterday was a tragedy that will never be able to be explained.  20 children dead.  6 others killed.  Why?  Why?  Oh Lord, why?

There will be loud and incessant chatter from those blaming God and guns over the next few days and weeks.  All of those people are missing the issue.

I cannot begin to fathom the mental torment of someone who walks into an elementary school and starts killing innocent people.  I cannot.  I cannot begin to fathom the mental torment that a Jeffrey Dahmer, a Unibomber, a Adolf Hitler must be dealing with.  I cannot.  But, I do know it exists.

There are people who choose to take their own life instead of the lives of others.  They too are going through a level of mental torment that many people cannot understand.  It’s a mental torment I am closer to understanding.  Some overcome it.  Many don’t.

The challenge is not that guns are available.  Do we ban ropes?  Sheets?  Knives?  We allow people to operate cars who are drunk.  These are all symptoms of a bigger problem.  A problem revolving around mental and emotional issues.  A problem that is often swept under the rug.  Or ignored.  Or laughed at.  Or locked up.  Certainly a problem that carries a stigma from many of the “normal people” running loose pretending they don’t have problems.

I haven’t met one single person that wouldn’t benefit from counseling.  Not one.  I’ve met a bunch who don’t think they need it or who just won’t go but I don’t know any who haven’t battled wounds and scars that need healing and need help.

We will never legislate evil out of the world.  We will never have enough laws to prevent evil.  Only love has overcome evil and only love will ever overcome evil.  Love for the hurting.  Love for the battle weary; love for the scarred and the scared, the wounded and the hurting, the lost and alone.

Today I will call people I love and tell them I love them and I am here for them.  I will also consciously look for others who are hurting, who are enduring problems that no one wants to talk about.  I will pray that God brings those people my way and allow me to reach out to them, not to fix them, but to only love them.

Grace and peace.

Lean On Me

14 Friday Dec 2012

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I talked about the power fear has over me.  It still resonates through my body this day.  The other thing about fear is it’s weight.  Man, it is heavy.  At times it weighs down on my so much it almost pushes all the air out of my body.  Other times it weighs so much it simply paralyzes me.  It makes my head hurt and disrupts my thoughts.  It leaves me feeling like I am buried under a pile of rocks, alone, with nowhere to go.

I’m thankful for friends I can call on.  They help lift the weight.  They help carry the burden at times.  The song, sung by Bill Withers (and recently done so well by Nicholas David on The Voice) has lyrics I’ve never listened to or caught before reading them today.  The third stanza hit me like a truck today.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
(Chorus)

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me

Just calling is hard sometimes.  The weight of fear crushes my hopes, my dreams, my faith and my ability to call on people at times.  The weight of fear reminds me that I cannot do things on my own and tells me I am weak because of it, that I will fail, that I will not get out of this present situation without being battered and broken.

Like so many others, I turn to God and call out to him but I have seen prayers answered in painful ways, I have seen tears that don’t stop flowing, pain that never goes away, relationships destroyed.  God doesn’t always tie things up with a pretty red bow…and that drives my fear even more.  The questions of “what if” roll through my mind like a freight train – loud, earth-shaking, powerful – and leave the weight of fear on my shoulders.

Still, I will call on God and ask that He do more than I can imagine, that he will heal and make new, that he will provide so that I can share in abundance and redemption on this earth as well as in the next life.  I will slowly, but surely, call on friends and ask them to pray, to help carry my burden.  The power and weight of fear will lurk and will reach inside me at times, but for today I will still hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.  For if I don’t have hope, what do I have?

Grace and peace.

Power

13 Thursday Dec 2012

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It’s something so many of us want.  It’s something that cripples so many.  It’s something that can be a great tool.  It’s something that can be a debilitating weapon.  Power.

I have had power and I have been subjected to power.  I have used it well and I have misused it.  I have been encouraged by it and I have cowered under it.  Power.

Today I wrestle with the power of the emotion of fear.  I am in a vulnerable place where I can choose to cling to faith or live in fear.  I feel like I am losing the battle today, that fear is winning.  I see the collision of all the worst things I can imagine for my life and I see it all playing out.  I wilt under the idea of a great punishment.

Maybe I am simply being dramatic.

I have shared my feelings with a couple of people over the past 3 days and have varied responses.  One was from someone more fearful of my position than I have been.  That certainly had an impact on how I have seen things.  Another believes there is a plan, a way things will work out and I am in the the process of the plan.  Another believes I need to do more to change my situation.  In all these things I try to understand how I feel, what I want to do now, what I want to do next, where I believe I am being led.  In all the wondering, the door opens for fear to creep in and use it’s power to beat me down, to weaken my faith, to lose hope.  The power of fear can make me stop in my tracks, for hours or days, and just imagine that my world is unraveling.

Maybe my world is unraveling.  The virtue of being able to write is that admitting to my fear and it’s power over me, I can almost feel myself releasing the fear and looking at the words that friends have written on Twitter, not directly to me but, that have spoken directly to me.  Last night a friend was encouraging me to be bold in my faith while another person I follow on Twitter wrote, “one of our greatest temptations is to reduce God to the size of our biggest failures.”  (Jonathon Storment)  Wow, that hit me right between the eyes.

I want the rest of this day to be lived in the power of God’s work in my life.  It won’t be easy and even God says it won’t.  The power of fear is ever-present, lurking, ready to suck me in.  I make the choice of whether to give in to the fear or live in faith.  I am calling on God this day to help me, to show me a sign but even if He doesn’t I plan to choose to believe He is here, He is at work, He has a plan for me.  (Ephesians 2:10)

Grace and peace.

Be Present

12 Wednesday Dec 2012

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Being present.  Living in the present moment.  Appreciating today.  These ideas are very difficult for me.  On one hand, I live for the present moment and appreciate the opportunities that often come along with being present in the present moment.  Yet, it seems I am often forced into the role because I’m more concerned with tomorrow and the day after that and the days beyond that.

I am currently living in gift of taking time to enjoy what the present moment offers.  It’s a gift because it is something I have longed for – time without constraints of where I must be or what I must do.  So, how have I handled the gift?  Simply by trying my hardest to fill up the time.  Meeting people for breakfast, lunch and dinner, reading things that may lead to something more important down the road, worrying about what the future holds.  None of these things (other than worry I suppose) are bad in and of themselves when done for the right reasons.  However, when I’m doing it simply to fill space or because of what it will lead to, I’m afraid I am missing the point of the gift.

I hope as I write this post that my own words are calling me to appreciate the gift for the remaining days it is available because inevitably things will change and I will be forced back into a more routine, possibly more chaotic, environment.  I want to learn to live better in the present moment, to appreciate what this moment offers me whether it is rest or the opportunity to learn or build relationships – but to do so appreciating it for now and not how it will affect other outcomes down the road.

Time is so precious and a gift I have wasted over and over.  I am praying that I will not take the rest of this day for granted or let it be filled with guilt for what I do or don’t do, but to simply appreciate it for what it is.

Grace and peace.

Let’s Spend More

11 Tuesday Dec 2012

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It has been reported that the two candidates for President in 2012 spent around 2 billion dollars.  $2,000,0000,000.  That’s a lot of zeroes and that’s a lot of money that could be spent in so many ways that would result in something better than the same (or a new) President.

I recently read a blog that stated the average income in the U.S. is a bit over $50,000.  What would happen if $2 billion was spread among all the households in the U.S. making less than $50,000?  What would happen if it was used to fund rehabilitation and training programs for the homeless?

We are criticized for not exercising our right to vote.  We are reminded that people sacrificed their lives for our freedom to choose our leaders.  I just wonder what those people would think if they new we were spending 2 billion dollars to get it done.  How about we not exercise our right to vote if the candidates spend more than the average household income?

Let’s spend more money where it is needed, where it builds people up, where it gives someone a chance they didn’t have before, where it helps someone who is struggling.

Our political system makes me sick.  I did vote this year but, once again, I did not vote for anyone I support but only for someone I thought was the better of two choices.  I would propose the greatest country in the world shouldn’t have to spend 2 billion dollars for a “free election process” because that much money isn’t anywhere near free.

I am ranting and not offering any solutions.  I generally try to follow a rule of only bringing up a problem if I can offer a solution.  Maybe one day I’ll have a solution that I trust would work.  In the meantime, I’ll rant and hope for people smarter than me to be creative and help this country truly help itself.

Hindsight

10 Monday Dec 2012

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I wonder if I could have count the number of things I wish I had not done had I been able to see what the results would be before I made the choice.  Would I be looking for a job?  Would I be divorced?  Would I be out of shape or have diabetes?  Would I deal with the fear I have?  Would I have the kids I have?  Would I have the connection of friends I have?  Would I have the hope I have?

The DJ’s who pulled the prank on the nurse in England may have rethought their actions if they had known the outcome.  They called and pretended to be the Queen of England checking on her daughter-in-law who was dealing with a recent illness related to her pregnancy.  After the prank was broadcast worldwide, the nurse killed herself leaving children, family and friends behind crushed.

I wish I had the gift of foresight but I do not.  The mistakes I have made and can see more clearly now certainly lead me to take a longer look at some decisions I make yet there are still things I do off the cuff that could lead to negative consequences.  I pray often to see what God wants me to see yet I feel so blind so much of the time.  I find myself wondering if a decision is something I really think God is leading me to or is there something else driving the decision.

While I doubt I will live out my days making the right choice every time but I do have the gift of hindsight, a teacher of experience, that can help me in making better decisions in the future.

I had an uncle who told me that “a jackass with an eyeball in his a**hole can see 20/20 backwards.”  Well, I don’t have a third eyeball nor do I want to be considered a jackass so I must learn from my past and be filled with hope for the future.  The worst decision is making no decision but that is often the draw because it won’t hurt.  I don’t know why the choice often comes down to feeling good or feeling hurt but it’s the challenge of life.  I can easily be led to disengage instead of choosing and risking the outcome.

Today, I hope hindsight will lead me to make better choices but to not fear making a choice and moving forward with hope and courage.

Grace and peace.

Fear

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

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I find myself often living in fear.  Fear of not measuring up to someone else.  Fear of financial insecurity.  Fear of letting people down.  Fear of what people think about me.  Fear of being hurt again.

I thought about standing near a rollercoaster and the quiet you hear as the cars slowly climb a hill and then the screams you hear as the cars come speeding down the other side.  The people knew what they were getting into when they climbed on the rollercoaster but yet the screams come as soon as they cross the peak.  I find myself doing that at times.  I know the journey to the mountaintop has an experience of coming down off the mountaintop yet I find myself sometimes screaming with fear not knowing when the descent will stop or what will happen when I reach the bottom.

Today is one of those days.  I crested last week and now feel like I am hellbent in rapid descent and that the wheels will come off and the big crash is inevitable.  And the moments come where I think “where is God in this?”

The God who did great things in Job’s life.  The God who led His people to the promised land.  The God who fulfilled His promises to Abraham.  The God who saved the world.  Where is that God in this moment of my life, in this blip of time, in this story that started long ago and will run as long as He chooses?  Where is he in my fear?

I know the question I need to ask is “how strong is my faith?”  How long will I wait in prayer and peace for God to show me what He has planned for me?  Waiting isn’t easy when you see money growing thin, when you wonder if you can meet your obligations.  It just isn’t.  I know God hasn’t called me to do easy things but man, I wish it was easier today.

Today will be a test of my faith.  Will I trust God or will I leave Him behind to find my own answers?  Tough question.  Maybe I will have an answer to share tomorrow.

Grace and peace.