Author Archives: Seeking Peace

I’m Singing

01 Friday Aug 2014

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Wow!  I do not have the words to do my heart and emotions justice today.  I have been on a long journey through a desert and I feel like I am seeing and experiencing an end to this part of my journey.  In the last week, I believe God has spoken answers to years of prayer, years of pleading, years of crying out in tears, years of screaming at Him and years of feeling lost and forgotten.  In all of that, I always looked back to God, my Lord, the Sovereign for hope and for answers.  I have heard so many “no’s” and “not now’s” and there have been times of desperation and times of emptiness and times of bitterness.  There have also been times of great joy and faith and hope and there have been moments where the desert gave way to green grass and cool water.

Today, I feel like I am in paradise.  It started last weekend.  A Friday evening dinner with my VSW.  Saturday lunch with two of my dearest and most treasured friends.  Sunday with some answers that blew me away with excitement.  Monday started a series of phone calls about a new job and culminated yesterday with an offer that brings me home to my VSW, my community of friends, my house and I’ll even include my dog in there.  For 8 months I have lived somewhere else and my VSW has stood by me, encouraged me, lifted me up, carried hope and prayed with me.  We have been tested and we have come through it strong.  I cannot begin to say how thankful I am for her.

Today, Chris Tomlin’s song is on my heart and coming from my lips.  I can’t help it.  I know lots of people who do not believe God is active in their lives or has concern for what happens here.  I have shared those thoughts and wonder myself at times but this day I am choosing to believe he is active in my life and he is putting things together for me that will change my life for the better.  I can’t explain why a woman moves to my community from another state to live but I chose to reach out to her one day and now she is the love of my life.  I can’t explain how a boot company would consider a person for a sales job of great magnitude for their company who has never been in sales before but I chose to take advantage of a door that was open and sell them on me.  Yes, I have taken action in my life to get where I am today but I also choose to believe God has something to do with moving the pieces around and putting opportunities in our path.

All that to say, I don’t have all the answers and never will but I know I have a wonderful woman in my life and now have a job that will bring us closer and allow us to go forward.  That has me singing.

Grace and peace.

They Stink!

30 Wednesday Jul 2014

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A very good friend asked me the other day if I still blog about me, sports and politics.  Hmm, this space has been all about me, hasn’t it?

The Texas Rangers stink.  There, I said it.  They are the worst team in baseball after making it to the World Series just a couple of years ago.  What the heck happened?  Did the front office commotion with Nolan Ryan and Jon Daniels cause good decisions to fall through the cracks?  And can someone explain to me how you run off a legend like Nolan Ryan?  Heck, even when the Rangers sucked before you could at least get a glimpse of Ryan.  No one wants to see Jon Daniels.

My own interest in sports has been interesting over the past few years.  I used to keep up with it all from high school to pros.  I knew the teams to watch and several of the best players.  Over the past few years as my son became more competitive my sole focus was on him with some Rangers games thrown in for good measure since he was a baseball player.  Truth be told, I couldn’t give a hoot about Jerry Jones and the Cowboys.  And I have no love lost for Mark Cuban and the Mavericks either.  If I had to follow a pro football team it would be the Denver Broncos and if I had to follow a pro basketball team…well, I just don’t care for pro basketball much.

So, why the change in interest?  I wish I knew.  I certainly spend much more time thinking and reading about spirituality and psychology and conflict resolution.  I write about leadership topics on another social media site too.  I guess my priorities have changed.  Sports was great filler for office chats in the past and still takes a little time but I get bored with it too.  That is odd saying considering my radio is usually on ESPN.  Maybe I get my fill of it there and, at times, get frustrated hearing them drone on about the same problems that fans have no control over.

Or maybe it is because I think our society is so freaking off course when a baseball player can make $25 million a year and be average while there are people working as hard as they can and scraping by.  Sure, I have paid the exorbitant prices to take my son to pro baseball games over the past 8 years so I am also part of the problem.  I pay higher TV bills to watch the games too.  I do it because I have become something of a baseball fanatic having learned so many nuances of the game, especially hitting and pitching mechanics.

So what to do now?  Do I go catch up on scores or spend more time wondering why I am conflicted about paying for baseball tickets and the average pay for the players?

I think I’ll have a Fresca.

Grace and peace.

Numbers and Confirmation

28 Monday Jul 2014

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I have a degree in accounting and accounting bores me to tears.  I got the degree because it is the one my parents said they would help pay for and I’m good enough with numbers to know that was hard to pass up.  Even though I don’t prefer accounting work, the numbers are now a part of me and something I understand pretty well.  As I have gone through times of consulting with business owners, I always tell them the numbers are great for planning and reporting but it is the execution that matters most.  Numbers are important in confirming what has happened and answering questions we want to know about something.  Numbers are objective and to some degree take emotion and desire out of responses.  While numbers are as good as the information used to process them, they do tell a story.

This weekend, I got results from an assessment I took along with responses from my VSW.  I have had a feeling about this woman for quite sometime but my accounting training and reliance on objective numbers had led me to be very curious about how we matched up.  Oh my!  We met with someone to discuss the results with us yesterday.  I was confident going in and ecstatic coming out of that time.  I won’t share details but suffice it to say that today is a very good day in my heart and in my head.  There were other confirmations of the same thing that was in my heart over the weekend and it all built to a point of me knowing that my head and heart were in concert and beautiful music was being played.

I am the first to say that I do not know how God works.  I do not know when the acts or does not act even though there are times I think I know it.  I do not know how he chooses to act towards good things and bad things in peoples lives.  All of this is open for much debate and all I can honestly say is that I have so much to learn about God.  That said, today I believe this with all my being.  He has opened his hand in front of me and presented a gift in my life that is radiant and beautiful.  Today, I choose to believe he has acted with favor in my life and given me a gift in the form of a woman, a VSW (very special woman for any new readers), that will bless me and challenge me and love me and share hope with me for all the days ahead.

As I have said in the past, my blog is written by me and to me about things I am dealing with and experiencing today.  For those of you who are reading my notes to myself you know I write often about struggle and pain.  While struggle and pain are a part of life, I do not want to miss the goodness and glory of life and today I am celebrating the extreme joy I get to experience too.  Where I recently wrote about the feeling of being the boxer knocked down over and over, today I have the feeling of a child joyfully running through water, splashing and playing and having the time of my life.  The vision changes from a swimming pool to a beach and back and forth but the idea remains constant.  Simply joy.  It is filled with the laughter that comes from the joy of play, from the joy of happiness, from the joy of feeling like this feeling is all there ever was, is and will be.  Today is one of those days I do not want to forget.  I want it on a loop that plays over and over and I trust it will be there in my mind.

YHWH, while I do not begin to assume I know your ways, today I believe I am experiencing the goodness you have lavished on me.  I believe I see what the future can be, not in a specific kind of way but in an emotional and spiritual way.  Thank you is not enough but it they are the only words I have.  I will try to live the rest of my days respecting and honoring the gift you have laid in my path and in doing so, honor you.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

A Reminder

24 Thursday Jul 2014

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MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

  • Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

Quit Hitting Me In The Head

22 Tuesday Jul 2014

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I feel like I am in a boxing movie where one opponent keeps getting knocked to the ground by the other opponent after being hit in the head.  The referee is counting and it looks like the downed opponent is out until he struggles to his feet, is given a second to get reoriented and then starts throwing and taking punches again.  Sometimes, the same guy gets knocked down over and over always managing to get back on his feet.  In the case of Rocky Balboa (I forget which of the Rocky movies it was in), he gets up and wins the fight.  I hope that is how my battle will play out but right now I feel like I’m still in the knock down/get up routine.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

I havent’ read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning but I want to.  Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” resonates today.  Most people who encounter me today will not know the turmoil that is raging on the inside.  A few select people who know me well get the raw, unvarnished truth but most see me going about my business and never realize the pain on the inside.

Recently, I have been intentional to think about people and things I am thankful for.  The challenge is that many of those people/things are not close to me and while I am thankful for them, I am also cut off from them.  It’s a tough balance.  Maybe no balance at all.  The truth, for me, is that I cannot pretend to be happy within my own mind.  I can’t tell myself to be happy and make it so when my days and nights are often accompanied with loneliness and separation.  The kicker is that I am OK with that.  I am willing to accept my current state as a bad one.  Knowing it is bad allows my inner strength to go to work.  My inner strength at work allows me to keep pushing through when I would rather quit.

I don’t know how Frankl made it through his struggles.  I would not want them and mine seem far simpler comparatively.  Still, these struggles are hard for me but I am pushing through believing there are things on the other side of this worth working towards.  I forget who said, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how” but it has truth in it.  I have the why so I keep going, keep hoping, keep striving.  I hope I can look back on this one day and remember when…

Grace and peace.

Have a Good Day

21 Monday Jul 2014

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Sometimes, this is just life.

 

 

 

funny

Sometimes the day just doesn’t go my way.  I have to remind myself from time to time that it is not the events that matter as much as my response to them.  I do not have to like the event or enjoy the event but I do have to accept it and decide what response I will choose.  Sometimes my response comes from weakness and I throw lots of self-pity around.  Sometimes my response comes from strength and I accept whatever happens and do the best I can to respond and keep moving forward.  Sometimes my response is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs of strengths and weaknesses.

My VSW made a statement today that is bouncing around in my head.  “I want to live thankfully.”  What a noble goal.  I am proud of her and thankful for her because I struggle to live thankfully.  I accept so much of the muck that gets dumped on me and do the best I can but still fail to seek the things to be thankful for.  For her.  For family.  For friends.  For hope.  For faith.  For Jesus.

Today I will do my best to try and be more thankful.  It isn’t always easy because I am in a situation that has pulled me away from the people I am most thankful for.  Even though they are not close, they are still a part of my life and I am thankful for that.  I may not do it perfectly, just the best I can.  I won’t expect more of myself than I can give but be thankful for what I can give to being thankful.  That will be enough.

Lord, I am thankful for you and for what you have and can do in my life.  I pray for a big change and I pray it comes today.  I also thank you for VSW for all she means, all she pours into me and the hope she gives me for brighter days.

Grace and peace.

Where Do You Go From Rock Bottom?

16 Wednesday Jul 2014

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I recently ate at a place called Rock Bottom.  It was pretty good food and the server was good and it made for a positive experience overall.  The name, Rock Bottom, is stuck in my head today but it has nothing to do with food.  I feel like I have been to rock bottom before and some recent events make me feel like I am there again in one part of my life.  My financial situation is stark.  I am close to rock bottom and I honestly do not know the way out.  Oh sure, I know some steps I need to take but I cannot fathom the whole picture right now.  The whole picture.  That is one of my challenges at times as a perfectionist and it can hinder me from getting to where I need to be financially (as well as spiritually and emotionally).

I am fortunate because I have the love of a VSW.  She is a rock and she inspires me to keep my chin up and keep slugging.  She listens to me when I am down and stays level even though I know it is hard for her to hear what I have to say at times.  She is a special gift.  I also read this quote today and it made me think of her, our relationship and my current financial position.

“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over.” ~Hope Bradford

I can create the reality that life is over, doomed, at rock bottom and never to return or I can choose to face the facts, accept them and look for the changes I can make to get where I want to be.  It starts with me.  I take responsibility for where I am today.  While there are many factors that have affected my current position, there are also many choices I have made that have led me here today.  So, I get to start choosing how to reverse this situation.  No doubt a better job will help.  No doubt cutting some unavoidable expenses will help.  No doubt there are many places I can trim but there are also some obligations I have that I cannot avoid.  It’s a big ball of stuff and I can control what I can control.

Today I am choosing to create a reality that says my life is hard but there are good things I will continue to fight for and there are obstacles I will continue to overcome.  I am choosing that reality but it doesn’t mean I will not struggle along the way and I accept that too.  My reality is not “I will do this or else” but “I will do the best I can today” and stay positive that things will change as I put in the effort to change them, as I rely on people around me to help and certainly as a pray for wisdom and guidance and revelation.

I have created many bad realities.  I do it to other people as well as myself.  Today I want to break that mold and move forward with hope.  There may be tears along the way and I may stumble and fall but the reality is I will keep going forward no matter what comes my way.  I have too much to live for, too much to fight for, too much that is good and worthy.  I am learning that from a VSW and I am thankful she is the one in my life who is radiating that hope into me.

Thank you God for struggles that make us rely on you and the people you put in our lives to help.  Thank you for the gift you have given me and the gifts I trust you will continue to give me.  Thank you for the greatest gift, your Son.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

The Horn

15 Tuesday Jul 2014

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I was in Chicago over the weekend and one thing you notice is the incessant noise.  Sirens.  People.  Horns.  Lots and lots of people honking their horns.  Agitated.  Impatient.  They all want to get through a light or to the next block and people are in their way.  So they honk.  And honk.  And honk.

I was listening to all the honking while trying to enjoy a vacation.  I wanted to slow down so I could soak in time with my VSW, her son, and the food and sights of Chicago.  It was a good weekend and we did get to see lots of interesting things and learn more about the city and what makes it rich in history and food.

It was good but the noise was ever-present.  On the Chicago Architectural Foundation boat cruise, the tour guide was interrupted several times by sirens, loud music and trains passing overhead on bridges.  It was a nice, peaceful boat ride accompanied by lots of noise.

It struck me how life is so much like my trip to Chicago.  I want life to be nice and relaxing.  I want time with family, a peaceful place to work and achieve, time with friends, time to exercise, time to explore and see new sights.  I get some of that but it is so often interrupted or encumbered with noise.  The reality of life is that there is lots of noise around me and it makes it difficult at times to relax or concentrate on what I really want.  Noise from bill collectors.  Noise from people who want what they want when they want it and don’t really care about me or my needs or wants.  And the voices…oh, the voices that tell me I am less than I want to be.  The voices that try to derail my dreams, my hopes and my goals.

Truth is, if I want a quiet place I have to create it.  The noise isn’t going to stop for me so I have to learn to get away from the noise.  I have done it in the past but today I seem to be in a much noisier place than I’ve ever known and it is hard to get away from it all.  God calls me to quiet time with him but, honestly, I give him some time and it is still filled with noise.  This morning I stopped and restarted prayers 2 or 3 times because my mind would drift based on the noise that was filtering in.

I want to control the noise but I can’t so I must learn to adapt to it and find my own way to put it in the background.  It is a work in progress, just like the rest of me.  I haven’t reached where I want to be but I continue to seek a path to peace and quiet so I can hear what I need to hear and fill my mind with what it really needs to be filled with.

Oh Lord, help me.  Give me strength when I am weak and give me peace when the noise is overwhelming.  Give me courage to fight the battles for my time with you and give me patience so I do not add to the noise.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

Easier Said Than Done

07 Monday Jul 2014

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Last week I was relaying the story of the Israelites in Exodus 14 to a friend.  I think he is in a place where he has been still waiting on God and now it is time for him to move.  It appears God is ready to part the Red Sea for him but he is still sitting still instead of moving to action so he can cross on dry land.  Granted, I may not know the whole story because he may not have shared every detail but it has put that story back on my mind because of my situation.

Today, I am an Israelite grumbling to Moses about God.  I am frustrated that God has brought me out into the desert and I feel like I am about to be crushed by financial and emotional issues.  I am frustrated because I could have stayed where I was, captive but comfortable.  God took the Israelites out of slavery and led them on a journey.  He gets them next to the Red Sea and the Egyptians are coming for them.  The Israelites cry out that they were better off enslaved than killed in the desert.  I am feeling the same thing.  I am also wrong, just like they were at that time.

What happened next was amazing.  Moses told them to trust in God for deliverance and God ends up parting the Red Sea for them to cross to safety.  After they cross between two huge walls of water and are safe, God allows the Egyptians into that space and drowns them giving the Israelites safety and space.

My patience is thin.  Too thin.  I believe God will do great things for me but I find myself grumbling in the desert right now.  I want the sea parted on my terms and in my timing.

Oh Lord, please speak the words over me you had Moses speak over the Israelites.  YHWH, wrap me in your arms so I feel your presence and know you are fighting for me.  Lord, give me peace that is unexplainable and show me your greatness and power and love and grace.  Oh Lord, I am weak and I ask for these things today in my weakness but I will still trust in you and know your timing is right and good.

Grace and peace.

FREEDOM!!!!!!

03 Thursday Jul 2014

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This weekend for Americans is a time of celebrating freedom.  It is one of our holidays where we celebrate the freedoms we have had (albeit changing all the time) and remembering those who have given so much for our freedom.  I know few people who don’t want freedom.  As a kid I couldn’t wait until I could drive so I could have freedom.  As a college student, I couldn’t wait until I could get a job and live on my own and enjoy my freedom.  As an adult, I hope for a financial windfall so I can get out of debt and do whatever I want to do with my financial freedom.

One of my favorite movies is Braveheart starring Mel Gibson as William Wallace.  Wallace was a brave man fighting for freedom for his country and his life.  In the end he is captured and killed.  Right before he is executed, he shouts “FREEDOM!!!!”  so those all around could hear his dying word was the hope he had given his life for.

Freedom isn’t free.

Today, i was greeted with an email with the following prayer…

“Father, today I come boldly to You. Thank You for giving me life through Your Son, Jesus.  I surrender every area of my heart to You and ask that You make me whole and complete. Set me free and show me the keys to every blessing You have for me in Jesus’ name.  Amen.” – Joel and Victoria Osteen

A price has been paid for my freedom in eternity but I still seek freedom in this life.  Freedom from worry.  Freedom from fear.  Freedom from insecurity.  Freedom from financial pain.  Freedom from emotional strife.  Freedom to live with expectation and excitement.  Freedom to live seeing the world from a lens of hope and compassion.  Freedom to be able to live in a way I can minister to the hurting and the hungry and the poor and the lost.  Oh God, I cry out for the freedom you can provide me.

I have to remember that freedom isn’t free.  As the prayer says, I need to surrender some things that I hold on to.  I need to surrender my security blankets and my ways of how things should be and open myself to what God wants but it’s not easy.  The freedom I want comes with a price.

Lord, today I recognize I want things my way instead of yours.  Today I want to renounce the insecurities of opening my heart to you and others.  Lord, I am making a decision to remove those insecurities from my mind, to let go and throw them out into the cold.  Today, I replace those thoughts with these; that you love me and that you want to provide me a full and joy-filled life, that you have my best interests at heart today and forever and that I can trust in you to provide all I need.  Father, I call on you to deliver me from what holds me down and give me a life of freedom.  I ask for that right now, this day Father.  I believe in your power.  Amen.

Grace and peace.