An interesting weekend it was.  I spent some time with old friends and the topic of disappointment was prevalent in each conversation…one that was full of pain, another that was full of hope.  Trying to do what people wanted me to do has often left me tired, frustrated, mad and longing for something different while the fear of disappointing them has left me exhausted and often wanting to be isolated.  It’s a fear that has played to my programming that says my performance is what matters and if I don’t perform to expectations, I lose.  I lose their love, friendship, respect, status.  The kicker is, I’ve rolled that over to my relationship with God too.

Looking at myself, the things that disappoint me are things that don’t happen in my image of they way it should be.  The Longhorns football season, the World Series, the girl who wouldn’t go out with me in college, the friend who didn’t go with me when I wanted them to.  Disappointment comes when things don’t match the way I see it and then I cast that on to someone else.  The Longhorns and Rangers didn’t want to lose, the girl had her eyes on someone else she felt was a better match, the friend had another option that was more in line with what he wanted.  When I disappoint someone, it’s not because I did something wrong as much as it is that their desire and expectation is something different than my own.  Yet, when I know I have caused disappointment, the fear and pain of losing my standing with them, of letting them down, of causing pain stays with me.  For days.  For weeks.  For years.

A dear friend told me the other day that God doesn’t get disappointed.  He knows the number of hairs on my head.  He knows me inside and out and better than I know myself.  He has no misconceptions about me, no beliefs about me that aren’t true.  And, even though I don’t always do what His will for me is, He continues to love me and continues to be open to me coming back to His hope and direction for me.  When I choose something that pulls me away from Him, he isn’t disappointed but stable.  My status with God doesn’t drop.  I don’t have to try harder, I don’t have to start over.  He just keeps loving me as I am.

At least that’s what my friend told me.

I’m going to try to begin living in that better.  I’m going to try and quit worrying so much about disappointing people that I push them away.  I’m going to try and start living at peace with my decisions and quit realize that grown ups are grown up and can deal with their own feelings.  I’m going to try and remember that God loves me as I am, not as He imagines me being or as I imagine myself…just as I am.  I’m going to try.

Grace and peace to you.
Avar gaJsHost = ((“https:” == document.location.protocol) ? “https://ssl.” : “http://www.”); document.write(unescape(“%3Cscript src='” + gaJsHost + “google-analytics.com/ga.js’ type=’text/javascript’%3E%3C/script%3E”)); try { var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker(“UA-12356560-1”); pageTracker._trackPageview(); } catch(err) {}
Avar gaJsHost = ((“https:” == document.location.protocol) ? “https://ssl.” : “http://www.”); document.write(unescape(“%3Cscript src='” + gaJsHost + “google-analytics.com/ga.js’ type=’text/javascript’%3E%3C/script%3E”)); try { var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker(“UA-12356560-1”); pageTracker._trackPageview(); } catch(err) {}