Up until I started praying for God to reveal himself to me, I was comfortable.  Life wasn’t perfect but I was managing it, dealing with the challenges, overlooking the things that really hurt and making the most of what was left.  Maybe comfortably miserable is a better term.

People saw a guy who had it all together.  They saw a lot of the real me – the sincere, caring compassionate me (as I knew compassion at that time) but they couldn’t see the turmoil inside.  I’ve heard the description of how people are ducks – calm and cool and top of the water and paddling like hell underneath.  Well, that wasn’t an accurate description.  I was calm and cool most of the time on the outside but there was a war going on within me.  Gunfire.  Bombs.  Death.  Destruction.  I blamed it on other people.  I blamed it on choices I had made that led me to the place I was in this world.

I never blamed Satan or stopped to acknowledge how far away I was from God.  I mean, I played the good “Christian” but I wasn’t a Christ-follower.  I wasn’t a disciple.  I didn’t look like Jesus because I didn’t want to get close to Jesus.

Then the wheels came off.  A marriage going downhill fast.  A divorce.  Separation from my children.  Anger.  Sadness.  Irritation.  Rage.  Depression.

The first couple of layers of stuff keeping me from real relationship with God was about to start the painful process of being stripped away.  I never imagined the pain to come.  I never imagined the scars that would be left behind.

Grace and peace.

I wish I had a stronger faith.  I wish my thoughts and feelings were unshakeable in the knowledge that God will do good things with me.  I wish my faith allowed me to quit imagining the answers in the ways I want things to work out and be at peace with whatever God chooses to do.  I don’t have that kind of faith.

One of my dearest friends last night told me that was OK.  He told me that God was thankful I was wrestling with my thoughts on faith.  He told me that God wants relationship with his children and that my mental struggles, my weak prayers, my moments of tears and crying out are all parts of relationship.  He told me that God doesn’t expect perfect relationship with me and that He is thankful with me giving Him all I can, no matter how little it seems to me right now.

Oh, how I want my situation to change for the better.  Much, much better if I’m being honest.  At the same time, I hope I can be comfortable with where God wants me.  My friend reminded me that the best storytellers are the people who have lived the story.  I don’t particularly like my story but how I hope one day I can share in the pain people experience and also be able to show them the amazing things God will do.  I know the pain doesn’t always go away.  I know scars remain.  I’ve still go wounds healing from the breakdown of my family.  I’ve still go wounds that haven’t started healing.  Pain lasts.  I just pray that joy will coming in the morning.

Grace and peace.

When I was younger, I had more bounce.  On the basketball court, I could get knocked down from a charge and bounce back up.  The pain wasn’t really noticeable.  The reaction time was swift.  I was back in the flow in no time.

I don’t bounce as well these days.  I get knocked down and it takes time to get back up.  Sometimes I get back up pretty quickly but the pain lasts for awhile.  Other times I just can’t re=engage until a resting period or a healing period.

I’m ready to bounce back and move forward but for some reason, the door isn’t open to do that.  For some reason, the way is blocked.  In the meantime, I’m still recovering wondering when things will get better.

They say attitude determines altitude.  My attitude is that I’m ready to get back in the game.  I’ll play with a bruise and I’ll play hard.  I just need the coach to let me back in the game.  My mind says I’m ready.  It tells me I’m being wasted on the bench right now.  I want to make a difference but I need the opportunity.

I’m ready to bounce.

Grace and peace.

Lately I have had an absence of words to use for this blog.

Lately I have had an absence of hope for getting the answers I seek.

Lately I have had an absence of faith that I am remembered, loved and provided for in this life.

Lately I have had an absence of many emotions other than numbness.  I don’t know if numbness is an emotion but I don’t feel.  I’m not too down, I’m not very excited, I don’t have despair and I don’t have much hope.  I hear words of appreciation and assume people are just being nice.  I hear words of encouragement and assume people don’t know what else to say.

I feel like I’m in a hole.  Trying to climb out only pulls more dirt into the hole.  I’m not getting any deeper, I’m just feeling the dirt start to cover me up.  At some point, I will be covered and cease to be seen, cease to exist at some level.

People tell me God works in mysterious ways.  Well, if He’s at work, it is certainly in a mysterious way.  People tell me God has a great plan.  Really?  How’d that work out for my marriage?  For my friends who lost their daughter.  For a family of a friend who just lost their 8 year old son.  Is that the great plan?

I’ve been asked “if you don’t trust God, who or what do you trust?”  Maybe I just have an absence of trust.  I’ve been hurt badly by the people closest to me.  I don’t mind being vulnerable because I don’t give a hoot what people think most of the time but I don’t trust either.  I’m not letting anyone else get close if it’s just going to hurt in the long run.  I’m starting to feel that way about God too.  When I begin to trust Him because there is nothing else, that’s not trust.  That’s just the end of the road.

It’s not a good day in my world.  I’m with my kids and that’s wonderful but one of them is leaving in 5 days and the other in a week and then I’m back to living on my own.  With my dog.  And goat and cat.  Then what?  “Oh, God has something good planned right around the corner.”  Well, I’ve been around a lot of corners already and everything that looked good disappeared.

Heck, I’m not perfect and I know I disappoint God.  So what?  Here we sit disappointed in each other?  If that’s the case, I get it but that certainly isn’t what people are telling me.  Ask, seek, knock.  My voice is raspy and my knuckles are bruised.  Now what?  “Oh, he always provides what you need for this day.”  OK, then why do people tell me to pray for abundance, for prosperity, for favor?  I don’t need all that and sure won’t get it if I will only get what I need for today.

There are many things absent from my mind and spirit right now.  Absence is ugly, frustrating, scary, hurtful.  It’s all I’ve got at the moment.

Grace and peace.