Category Archives: Faith

Peacemaking

25 Friday Jan 2013

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I am sitting in Abilene, Texas today enjoying a beautiful West Texas sunrise and wondering how we got from the upper-70’s to the low-40’s with wind so quickly.

I’m here as part of my goal to become a peacemaker.  I enrolled in the Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution program and I’m almost to the finish line.  I love it.  For so long I have never been at peace but had the gift of helping other people reach peace.  I didn’t understand some of the why’s behind that until enrolling in this course.

I’m an introvert.  Many peacemakers (mediators, counselors, etc.) are introverts.  They enjoy building a relationship with just a few people and really diving deep.  I used to avoid conflict at all costs or simply accommodate the other person to get past the conflict and save the relationship.  Many peacemakers are avoiders/accommodators but desire to help others find resolution.  (Note: as I’ve taken this course and learned tools for better conflict resolution, my style is changing.  I still don’t like conflict but I’m learning to work in it better and be more assertive in finding the better answer that benefits and helps all parties.)

I could go to some others character and personality traits but I said what I did for me and I understand the rest well enough.  What I understand most is that I want to help others find peace in the midst of conflict.  I love this program and I pray that God is paving the way for me to serve Him as a peacemaker the remainder of my days.

More to come on peacemaking…

Grace and peace.

You Are Allies

22 Tuesday Jan 2013

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Yesterday was a holiday recognizing Martin Luther King, Jr.  He is a man I wish I had known and is one of those individuals I would invite to a dinner party if I could.  I’d love to hear more wisdom and dreams from him.  I would hope we would be allies.

The idea of “allies” came around after talking to someone who shared what a marriage counselor once told he and his wife.  They were struggling with their marriage at the time and the counselor looked at them and said, “you need to understand that you are not enemies, you are allies.”  His direct comment made them change the way they saw each other without even realizing what had happened at first.  They came to understand that they were allies in a battle against the force that wanted to destroy their marriage.  They were allies in fighting for something instead of letting something tear them apart.  Allies.  Engaged in battle.  Together.

I’m thankful for the allies who have helped me fight through tough times.  And, I realize my tough times are a walk in the park compared to what some people go through but they are the tough times that I know so I appreciate the people who battle with me.

Thank you God for good friends, for brothers and sisters who hold on to you while they are holding on to me.

Grace and peace.

Moving Past “Sorta’ Grateful”

18 Friday Jan 2013

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I believe it is important, no, imperative to be grateful for what God has given me.  But it ain’t easy being grateful.  Bills are coming due.  Some are already late.  I’m cutting back.  And then cutting back some more.  But, I still want to enjoy time with my kids going out to eat, going to movies, doing fun stuff.  Spending the money scares me because bills are coming due.  I have a mortgage that won’t get paid by reselling aluminum cans.  A kid in college.  Two kids driving cars, needing gas and insurance.

Today I read Psalm 118.  Give thanks to the Lord.  His love endures forever.  I read Philippians 4 too.  Don’t be anxious but ask the Lord for anything.

Oh God, I don’t need riches.  I only need follow you.  I only need to seek your desires for me.  But, I do have these things I like, these things I’m comfortable with, these things I feel like I need to provide my children, these things I want to do too.  I lay it at your feet Lord.  I have walked into so many fires Lord and you have led me out of them.  Sure, there are wounds that still hurt and there are scars but I chose to walk into the fire and you still pulled me out of it.  Lord, remind me that you have provided more than I can understand and that you will continue to provide.  I know it may not be the way I see it or imagine it Lord so I pray with boldness that you do more than I can possibly imagine.  Lord, forgive me when my gratefulness wavers.  It’s a fault and one I want to work on.  I want a heart of thanksgiving and joy for simply being your child and whatever comes with that this day.  I don’t want to be sorta’ grateful, God.  I want to be abounding in gratefulness and thanksgiving.  Thank you for your patience as I work to get there.  Heal my wounds.  Cover my scars.  Open my eyes to avoid the next fire.  Open my heart to all that you can pour into it.  Cover me in peace.  Amen.

Grace and peace to you.

The Art of Gratefulness

14 Monday Jan 2013

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Last week was a journey though some valleys and trips to the mountain top.  I listened to some heart wrenching stories and shared some of my own.  I could and did take a lot away from the trip about how to see life but one that is circulating in my head is gratefulness.  But, it wasn’t until after the week was over that it clicked.

On the way home Friday night, I got a call about a job opportunity I was really, really excited about.  I thought it was a great position to use many of my skills and gifts I haven’t been able to use in a previous job and would incorporate my training in conflict resolution nicely.  The call was to say no.  It was very nice and very affirming in the message was conveyed but it was still no.  And, it was at the end of that call, while contemplating driving off a bridge (yes, I said that for dramatic effect) that I realized how grateful I should be.

During the week, I received 3 calls from people wanting me to talk to them about some potential consulting work.  Consulting work doesn’t offer security.  It doesn’t offer benefits.  The calls don’t even mean I’ll get any money out of the conversation.  And while I wrestled with these calls and how they will affect to be child support and tuition and the house payment and fuel and food and bills, I thought it was funny that I have wanted to be a consultant since I was 25 years old.  Now that I’m older, the idea is still great as long as I have the security of a job?

I need to be grateful that I have the security of God providing for me.  Yes, I had made the connections that landed me all of these opportunities but I believe without a doubt that God is opening the door for these things to happen.  I didn’t call a single company, they called me because people I know have told them about me.

I call it the art of gratefulness because being grateful isn’t an intellectual exercise but an act of the heart.  It’s something I am working on because my heart is so often overcome with my fears.  I hope today is a new day for me in being grateful for what I am blessed with and that my gratefulness will begin to overcome my fears.

I like the story in 1 Kings 17 and would sure like to know when the Lord is communicating with me more clearly.  Sometimes I wonder who’s voice I am hearing, God’s or my own or the voice of another who seeks to bring me down.  In the end, I simply want to do God’s will, accept what He gives me and learn to be grateful in all that I say and do.  I want to be a “grateful artist”, someone painting a beautiful picture or making touching music so that others will see God through me.

Grace and peace.

Surely

07 Monday Jan 2013

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Surely the Lord is in this place.

I am in Abilene, Texas to attend a week of classes for my Masters program at Abilene Christian University.  I love this place.  I got settled in my room and went for a walk around campus.  It was an interesting walk with me pleading with God to straighten out my employment status and lead me to transform my heart status (spiritual, not physical) I also begin to feel His presence.  As I approached the statue of Jacob’s Ladder, I felt it even more and I began to pray that one day, sooner or later, that I’ll be a part of this school and campus in some way.  I love being around students.  I love being around people who are striving to grow.  I love being in this place where I feel God’s presence.

I’m not over the struggles I wrote about Saturday.  In fact, they are still very real and very painful but I appreciate the time I had today, the time where I asked God to cover me in His presence and He did.  I hope I keep on feeling it, all week, every day, every minute.  In the meantime, I will keep reminding myself that God is in this place even when I was not aware of Him.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2028&version=NIV

Grace and peace.

This Present Moment

05 Saturday Jan 2013

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I hear much teaching about living in the present moment.  Don’t dwell on the past too much.  Don’t worry about the future too much.  Live fully today.

Today I’m crying.  Buckets full of tears.

In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains.  In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined.  I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort.  Only the pain of loss and of being alone.  I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment.  A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized.  Today, it is massive.  As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more.  More time.  More touching.  More voices.  In this present moment, I am hurting.  And crying.  I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.

In this present moment, I am hurting.  I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing.  The bills don’t quit coming.  The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming.  The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.

This present moment is filled with sadness.  And hurt.  And anger.  I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses.  Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold.  It feels the same way within me.

Will there be better days?  I expect so.  Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them?  I hope so.  Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)?  Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time?  Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment.  That’s just life.  My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”.  People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing.  Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself.  I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.

I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard.  Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment.  Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey.  I take these times hard.  I do.  It’s who I am.  And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am.  Maybe that’s the lesson.  Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of.  This vessel that is me is weak and fragile.  Well, so be it but I want my kids back.  I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them.  One more meal.  Oh how I long for that moment.

In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt.  I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go.  I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on.  I will go back amidst the tears.  I will prepare to leave amidst the pain.  I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight.  All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly.  I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days.  I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.

If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal.  I just want it all today.  Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan.  I just want it now.  Know the tears will dry and I expect better days.  It’s just not what I’m feeling right now.  Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness.  I just want it in this moment.  Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop.  I just want to be out of the valley now.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart.  Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.

Grace and peace.

Do You Know My Pain?

03 Thursday Jan 2013

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I read some quotes by a well known preacher spoken to those considering suicide.  I can only wonder if he truly understands their pain?  I have grown up hearing how people who commit suicide are selfish.  How they will burn in hell.  How they are this and that and nothing ever good.

Do you ever wonder what people who have committed suicide must have been thinking?  Battling?  Do you ever wonder what wounds they were carrying?  How they perceived the way people had treated them?

I realize this isn’t a pretty subject but I tend to approach things from the dark side so often.  My point is this, what am I doing today to show the love of Jesus to someone around me.  Someone who may be hurting so badly and so deeply that I can’t know it.  Or do I simply ignore it in my busyness?  How can I be the essence of love today?

You see, I believe the love of Christ can save anyone.  And, I believe we are called to be the love of Christ.

So, when I hear about someone committing suicide, I can only think they were not surrounded by the love of Christ.  Who’s fault is that?  No, I don’t take the blame for someone committing suicide.  Afterall, it was their choice in the end.  Yet, you won’t hear me talking about how selfish they are or where they will spend eternity.  In fact, I can’t help but wonder if Christ doesn’t surround them with the love they must have been missing while on this earth.  It’s a question I may never have an answer for.

The love of Christ saves.  The love of Christ can stop Newtown massacres.  The love of Christ can stop suicides.  The love of Christ can end wars.  The love of Christ has the power to end pain.

Oh Lord, let me show someone your love today.

Grace and peace.

Off the Reservation

29 Saturday Dec 2012

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OK, since I’m not really telling any of my friends about this blog, it’s a good time for me to get this out in the open.  I’m intrigued with Buddhism.  Intrigued may not be the right word but I haven’t given time to a study of Buddhist teaching yet but intend to.

NO, I’m not becoming a Buddhist in the sense that I’m leaving Christianity.  In fact, what little I know so far about Buddhist teaching only enhances my Christ-following walk.  Buddhist aren’t afraid to talk about suffering and pain and how to move through and past suffering and pain.  That’s what I really, really like about them.  They teach living in the present moment and accepting all that comes with it, both good and bad.  Sound like any of Christ’s teachings?  I appreciate the idea of Karma because I’ve read that you reap what you sow.  I appreciate the teachings about the present moment because I’ve read not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it’s own.  I appreciate the teachings about enduring suffering and moving past it because Christ died for my eternal soul, not just what I am doing today.  I appreciate the teaching and practice of meditation because God said, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Buddhists are good at living out what they teach whereas I’ve grown up in a Christian environment where I have been taught to work harder and study less.

In the upcoming weeks, I’ll be using some guest posts to share what’s going on in my mind.  Remember, these are for me so if you don’t like it I hope you’ll at least take some time to think about what is being said.

Yes, I’m venturing off the reservation on which I’ve grown up but like so many I have found there is a world outside the bubble that teaches things of great benefit to me to help me on my journey to grow closer to God and closer to peace within myself.

Grace and peace.

Scary Sound of Silence

27 Thursday Dec 2012

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The day I originally wrote this I was hoping to hear from someone very special to me.  It didn’t happen.  The sound of silence was deafening.

I find I often have noise going on around me.  The TV is playing in the background.  Sport radio is on.  I’m going somewhere in a hurry and stuffing more than I can do in a day into the day so I don’t stop, I don’t have anytime for the scary sound of silence.

Sometimes silence is scary because of what we might hear.  Other times it is scary because of what we do not hear.  Hearing something that calls us on the carpet, reopens old wounds or is news we don’t want to deal with is scary.  Not hearing from that special someone or waiting on someone to call back to talk about a job when I’m unemployed and money is running short leaves me wondering how important I am to them.

Silence can be a scary, scary thing yet it is something we must learn to deal with, learn to address, learn to accept and learn how to work through whatever comes from it.  I’m still learning.

Grace and peace.