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Category Archives: Friendship

I’ll Go There

29 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith, Friendship, Life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

love, rejection

As I write this, the Supreme Court is still talking about the rights of homosexuals to marry.  Yes, I’m going there today.

First, I am opposed to homosexual marriage.  I believe in the Biblical context of marriage between a man and a woman.  Said another way, I use the Bible as my sole guide for marriage and who is represented in marriage.

While some may think me simpleminded for my belief, I will still take my stand based on my understanding of God’s word.  On the other hand, it is also God’s word that gives me pause in the ways I see many proclaimed Christians handling the matter.  Those claiming to represent Christ might back off their often loud, heated, rude and agitating statements about homosexuals and gay marriage.  In one Facebook thread I was reading, I saw one young man representing Christianity labeling several detractors as “morons.” I’m trying to remember when Jesus took that approach.

Instead of battling against gay marriage, what if Christ-followers engage in showing the love of Jesus in our words and our actions.  Granted, there is a time to share consequences of decisions but when people hear more about the consequences without the presence of love and relationship, the words of condemnation ring hollow.

Yesterday, I posted about fear of rejection and vulnerability.  When I am fearing rejection, I typically do not want to listen to more rejection.  I need love.  I need to be built up in relationship.  I need to feel strength and courage being poured into me.  I cannot help but wonder if some people on the other side of this argument feel the same way.

When people are looking for acceptance, the rejection and “going to hell” messages of (hopefully) well-intentioned people do not show love, do not build up.  Tell me about “tough love” and I’ll tell you about rationalization.  I cannot help but wonder how effective the story of the loving father would be had he simply shown “tough love”.

I struggle with understanding the love and acceptance of Christ for myself.  I am guessing that there are many on the other side of this debate that share that struggle with me.  If I, and others, could fully understand the depth and breadth of Christ’s love I wonder if my failings in giving into temptation and sin would end.  If I can show the guy on the other side of the issue true acceptance in Christ, does he become more open to reading the Gospel message, of Christ’s teaching, in a different light than he sees it now?

I say all this thinking about some friends I have, people I love dearly, who identify themselves as homosexuals.  I love them fiercely and would go toe to toe with anyone threatening them or condemning them.  That’s God’s decision to make.  However, they know what I believe about Christ’s teaching about our actions AND they know I love them.  If they choose to marry someone of the same sex, they will know that I don’t agree with that choice but that my love for them, through Christ and because of Christ, will never waiver.  They may be hurt that I don’t agree with their actions and it may even damage the relationship but it will not be because my love for them has changed

For far too long, I have believed that Christians abdicated their responsibility to the government and are now reaping what they have sown.  I hope Christ-followers begin to act in a way that shows our battle is not against a Supreme Court ruling but against a spiritual battle that swirls around us.  Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against dark forces that we cannot clearly see until we are fully engaged in a dark fight with and from damaging choices.

I wonder if there is any room to doubt the significance of this case being on the forefront of our national news at the same time Christendom is celebrating the death of the old life and the birth of a new life.  Is it a sign of where my focus needs to be; on a court ruling or on the risen Savior?

Grace and peace.

Wounds and Respect

28 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Conflict Resolution, Friendship

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faith, power, relationships, respect, wounds

I was talking with an old friend the other day about the struggles of his marriage.  I didn’t count the number of times he mentioned respect as an issue between both he and his wife but as I think about the conversation, wounds and respect are two topics that keep coming back to mind.

The wife faced abuse as a child from her father that I cannot imagine.  I cannot imagine how scary it was for her.  I cannot imagine the wounds it has left deep within her that affect how she sees other men, especially her husband.  I wonder if she sees God like she remembers her father and sees her husband the same way – as someone who should take care of her and protect her but cannot live up to what she wants or expects.

The husband isn’t perfect either.  He has battled his own demons that have caused problems between them that partially result from his childhood and the wounds he experienced.  He wants someone who is there, who is consistent, who in in control of their emotions and desires.  She has made choices during their marriage that conflict with all of that and leaves him with trust issues.

Their wounds are deep and ingrained after years of living with them but not doing much to address them and overcome them.  It has left them in a position where their wounds have created expectations and their failure to live up to those have caused a lack of respect for each other.  How can a relationship survive without respect?

William Ury, author of The Power of a Positive No says that we cannot respect another until we first respect ourselves.  Respect is best given from a position of power, not over another but within oneself.  If I respect myself, it is much easier for me to show respect to another because I have all I need within myself.  Gaining the other person’s respect only adds to my power but is not the foundation of my strength.

I wish I had begun to understand the power of wounds and power of respect several years ago.  I have a relationship that is in dire need of help but without the opportunity to communicate regularly.  Knowing what I know now, even in the infancy of my understanding, would have led me to greater hopes of saving a relationship that has been devastating to lose.  Hopefully, knowing I I know now will allow me to maintain and improve relationships in the future.

Grace and peace.

A Confused Introvert

29 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Friendship

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friends, introvert, job, job hunt, relationships

I’m an introvert.  It’s true.  Myers-Brigg confirmed what I had known all along.  I don’t like going to parties.  I don’t like wading into crowds of people.  I don’t like going to conferences and meetings.  I live on 2 acres covered in trees so I can hide from people.  My confusion comes into play because I love building relationships, talking to people one-on-one, learning about them and finding ways to encourage them.

I was talking to a headhunter the other day about my job search.  He was geared up to get me in their system and then I told him about where I am in the search right now.  Negotiating with one company, waiting to hear if there’s a fit with another company, flying to California this weekend to meet the owners of another company, talking to a venture capital company today and a potential visit with another company in the next couple of weeks.  He was interested how I had so many conversations if I wasn’t using a headhunter (or “job placement company”).  I explained all the connections were through friends and colleagues I had built relationships with over time who were recommending me and putting me in front of these people.

I would be happy spending the rest of today at home, talking to no one but I’m equally happy about the lunch meeting I’m headed to and the 3 other visits I have planned today with friends and a former employee to talk, encourage, plan and dream.  I am truly a confused introvert.

Grace and peace.

Do You Know Me?

21 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Friendship

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advice, decisions, God, holding me up, prayer, Skit Guys

There are days when a topic, idea or theme seems to come around more frequently and I can’t help but wonder why or what I need to learn from it.  Today the theme is supporting people whether you agree with their decisions or not.

A dear and trusted friend told me today, “You’re a good friend to support people no matter their decisions.”  This was after an hour long conversation with another very close friend about a third friend and the decision the third friend was making.  Is there something God is wanting me to hear in this?  Or share?

I have found that the people who typically give me their advice on what I need to do have not really listened to me and do not know my heart.  Oh, they see they outside manifestations of what I do but they don’t listen enough to really know me.  They don’t know what I’m hiding, what I’m afraid to say, what I’m afraid to do, what I’m too stubborn to do anyway.  They don’t listen.  A year ago I was attacked by a man at my church for a decision I had made.  He doesn’t know me.  He has never asked me any questions about who I am, where I am with God, whether I pray or what my hopes and desires are, nothing about me.  Yet, he knew the right answer for my situation and knew God knew I was making a mistake.  Do I believe God speaks through people?  Definitely.  Do I believe there are prophets among us to share a word from God?  Certainly.  Do I believe God would send someone to me who I have no relationship with, no trust in, who doesn’t know any of my story or what has happened to me, to tell me what I need to do?  No, I just don’t believe that.

Now, I cherish the opinions of the people I draw in, the people I am able to share my heart with, to confess to, to dream with and who pray with and over me.  These are the people who are the closest to knowing the true me, knowing my heart, as there is to God.  I have found they offer opinions but spend more time listening and in prayer than talking.  I see Jesus in them.  Jesus knows me yet He doesn’t even tell me what to do.  He leaves things to my will and in that moment, I hope I will learn to listen to Him more than make my own choices.

I see where my choices have taken me.  I’m divorced, I’m separated from my children, I’m unemployed and I’m scared.  That is where my choices have taken me.  I also see where my mistakes have led me.  Closer to God.  Sadly, I learn too few lessons from all the times I’ve done the right thing, the better thing, the thing I have prayed about and listened to the Spirit.  I glide through those and am happy they worked out the way they did.  It’s in my mistakes, my failings, falling flat on my face in agonizing pain that I have learned to draw nearer to God, that I have allowed myself to become a little more intimate with Him.  Are my friends any different?

I support my friends but not always their decisions.  If they ask, I will give them my opinion, I will pray with them and over them and then I will support them.  If God is leading them to green pastures and still waters, I want to walk with them.  If their decision is leading to a crash in the desert, I want to walk with them.  God has given me insight and experiences to share but He knows their hearts better than me, He knows His will for them, I do not.

I have walked through green pastures with my friends when I thought their decisions weren’t the best choice and I have walked through hard times with friends when I thought things were looking up.  God knows their hearts and I am here to show His love.  I pray for my choices and for those of my friends.  I am learning to trust God more and more with my circumstances and I can more easily trust Him with the circumstances of others.

I hope the people around me will simply love me through thick and thin.  I hope I will simply love my friends through thick and thin.  Only God knows.  Only God knows what is right.  Only God heals wounds.  I can love.  I can encourage.  I can cry and pray and share in joyous victory.

The Skit Guys made a statement in a video called The Chisel that sticks with me.  “You have never let God down because you never held Him up.  He holds you up with His mighty right hand.”  I am not holding my friends up, God is, and I they will not let me down.  Oh, there may be hurt and pain.  I’ve seen the collateral damage I’ve left because of choices I made.  Still, it is only God that holds me up.  It is only God who’s strength I need in the end.  He knows me.  He knows my heart, both the beauty and the areas that need more refinement.  I will be there for my friends to lean on and I will remind them that God holds them up, He provides the foundation and He has the answers for their life.  Just as he does for mine.

I hope my friends will be there to lean on, to help me see His will and to work through the rough spots and share joy in the good times.  I hope I will always be that person for them too.

Grace and peace.

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