Category Archives: Life

Abundance

03 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

The story of Job is a hard read.  A man, righteous and Godly, loses everything in horrible ways.  God makes an agreement to allow satan to challenge Job.  For someone who sees God as protector and provider, that is a scary proposition in itself.  Satan goes to work wiping out Job’s children, his wealth and his health.  While Job struggles and asks some tough questions of God, he remains faithful.  At the end of the story, Job is given abundance over and above what he had before.

Now somewhere along the line, I cannot help but think Job was wrecked by what he had lost.  Even in the abundance he received, I still wonder how he felt about what he lost, the scars and wounds that remained and how he moved forward after that season of life.  I currently believe he simply chose how he would live.  He chose.  It was a choice to live in the rubble or live in the present and live with hope.

The last several years of my life are littered with struggle and pain and tears that would overflow the Mississippi River many times over.  The years are filled with scars of battles that took their toll on my body and my mind and my soul.  I have had conversations with God that included words sailors may not know.  I have challenged him and shared my anger at him directly to him.  Through all of that, I had to make a choice.  Live in what was crumbling around me and the past that was gone or battle through the present moment and live in hope.  My friend Rick shared with me many times the need to see the present moment for what it was, the now and something that would pass.

Those moments passed and now I feel like I am living in abundance.  I have been blessed with a job that excites me and challenges me.  I have been blessed with a VSW who excites me and challenges me and gives me lots of hope for what the future will be.  I am surrounded by friends who have journeyed with me and prayed for me and shared words of hope, shared a meal, shed tears with me, loved me.  I am living in a time where I look forward to waking up in the morning.  On the whole, I am sleeping better than I have slept in years.

I am still tired.  Exhausted internally.  I still cry at times releasing the emotions that have been buried.  I feel like I am emptying the well of hard days.  I am still battered and bruised and scarred.

I’m all those things while I make the choice to rejoice in what is here and now.  I believe, like Job, that I appreciate this present moment much more richly than I could have ever appreciated it before.  I don’t see my job as just a job but an opportunity for now and for the future.  I certainly don’t see my VSW as just another woman.  No, she is so much more and I truly believe she was put in my path at such a time that I could love her and honor her and treat her in a way that is what Paul describes in his letter to the Ephesians.  I want to love her like Christ loves the church.  My past has led me to make that choice.  In this moment I will love unlike any other time in my life and I will take joy in the abundance that I have been given unlike any other time in my life.

There are still lots of struggles.  Money goes faster than it comes.  The house needs work.  There are plenty of other stress points but I get to make a choice and I choose to appreciate what I have in my life at this time.  I am soaking in the joy of what is now.  I see the rubble and use it to try and make better decisions now.  And, to know that “choice” is mine.  I get to choose this day whether I will be pushed down by the past or will be elevated by what I have today.  I choose to revel in the abundance of a intelligent and beautiful woman and the hope that she brings me and I choose to appreciate the job opportunities that are here today and what they may be tomorrow.

I choose to see the abundance of what I do have and will let what I don’t have work itself out in the details of life.

Grace and peace.

Therapist

26 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I recently started a new job and this week is all about learning the resources I have at my disposal to do it well.  It’s overwhelming and I keep thinking about the phrase “drinking water from a fire hydrant” with all the information that is coming my way.  It’s a position that is very different from what I’ve done the past 25 years so I’m learning new things and at the same time knowing that it will better utilize some of the gifts I have.

I ran across one of those Facebook tests tonight that tells you what career you should have.  One of the things I have done informally is serve as the office therapist.  I got a Masters in Conflict Resolution which borders on therapy of sorts.  And the test I took tonight…it said I should be a therapist.

What if we all locked into the careers that utilized our strengths and talents?  What if I didn’t believe I needed more money, a newer car, a bigger house, more gadgets and all the other things that put me in financial bondage?  What if I came home every night knowing I was doing THE thing I was created to do in this life?  What if everyone was doing that very thing?  What kind of world would we live in?

I’m thankful for the opportunity I have today and trust it will give me some satisfaction in achieving the best I can for myself and others and, most importantly, using the gifts God has given me.

Grace and peace.

Nanu Nanu

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Robin Williams.  Dead way too early.

Williams was one of those people I’ve grown up with in a way.  His comedy and acting has been a part of my life for many years.  To hear of his death, presumably by suicide is certainly saddening.  Stories are out that he was suffering from depression.

I hate to say I sort of understand but I feel like I do.  Oh, I realize my scope of understanding is limited to my tiny world and not any research or scientific study I have done.  I do not want to admit that I have suffered from depression or any other clinically labeled issues but I probably have.  I have suffered through emotional and mental ups and downs and the toll, at times, has clouded how I have seen the gift of life and relationships.  I wonder if Williams knew how many people he touched and, if he did, why it didn’t make enough difference in his mind to stop him.  It’s a point where my questions give way to a lack of complete understanding.

In my world, I fall back on faith.  As I think about it, I find it a bit curious that I turn to something I probably don’t understand any better than I do depression and other clinical/medical issues.  I suppose I believe I understand it better.  At the very least, it is something I rather grab onto in the midst of a crisis because I certainly believe in God, certainly believe in an after-life that offers a beautiful new life and certainly believe that because of God, I have something more to offer here before I go.  I wish Williams had something in his life that would have allowed him to hang on, to persevere and to move past whatever it was that caused him to choose the path he did.

Many in my faith tradition will disparage those who commit suicide while I choose to believe God embraces them in his arms and is still weeping when he meets them knowing the pain they were going through on this earth.  I do not advocate suicide and would never applaud it while at the same time believing I understand, even a miniscule amount, of what might cause someone to choose it over life.  Maybe because of that, I feel bad there wasn’t more someone could do, wasn’t more Williams would have believed in to allow him to go through hell and keep going.

Godspeed Robin Williams.  You will be missed.

Grace and peace.

Me Being Me

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

For a good part of my life I haven’t really liked myself.  I haven’t liked my body type.  I haven’t liked my job.  I haven’t liked the way I let people run over me.  I haven’t liked a lot of things about me.  The way I handled it was to pour myself into something and/or pour a lot of something into me.

Since going through a divorce some 4 years ago, I have found counseling through 3 different Christian counselors.  One moved away and I still use the other 2 and all of them have put good thoughts and good habits into my life.  One of my current counselors addresses my need for self-compassionate talk.  Not a rah-rah, oh-don’t-you-feel-good-about-yourself fluff talk but an honest look at who I am, my relationships and all that I have accomplished.  The other talks to me about my perfectionist tendencies and my ability to berate myself for any reason.  I also have a VSW (and now fiancee) in my life who reinforces what these people say on a regular basis.

At almost 50 years of age, I am finally learning to be okay with me.  I am accepting my imperfections and I am allowing myself to see the relationships I have built.  If I am honest with myself, the vast majority of the relationships I have see my imperfections and love me in spite of them and because of them.  My tendency to let the 1 or 2 people who choose to always point out the negative affect how I see myself is fading behind the viewpoints of my VSW and my true friends.

I am grateful to be surrounded by a host of loving people and I hope each day going forward God will remind me that I am his masterpiece and allow the words of my friends soak into my being.  I want to step away from the perfectionist and see the perfection in an imperfect world that allows me to be me.  God is alive and working through my VSW and others and I am humbled and grateful.

And getting to a good place with me being me.  🙂

Grace and peace.

Life is Good, Then People Show Up!

07 Thursday Aug 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~Marcus Aurelius

I have an antagonist in my life.  It is someone I have known closely for many years and someone who seems to thrive on pushing my buttons.  Typically I am an easy-going guy and I have put up with the antagonism with varying degrees of success for a long time.  Now, I’m just tired of it.

The most recent antagonistic choices affect my children.  Maybe that’s when the largest bowl of forgiveness should be poured out but I am ready to stand and fight.  I feel a line has been drawn in the sand and it is either stand up or put up with this for years to come.

A counselor once explained “righteous anger” to me.  He said righteous anger is what we feel when we know we are being abused or accused wrongly.  He talked about Jesus’ righteous anger and God’s righteous anger.  He let me know it was OK to fight for what is right.

I can take a lot of punches but if you punch one of my kids, well, the righteous anger comes quickly.  My children are being told lies and led to believe something that isn’t completely true.  It’s time they know the whole truth.

I have often found in my life that my greatest growth comes with some of the worst pain.  I do not ever want my children to feel pain but it may come at a price of not allowing them to grow either.

As I walk this road of learning to live fully and freely, I must also accept that it isn’t all sunshine, sandy beaches and rose strewn pathways.  It is a privilege to be alive and I have much to live for.  A VSW who is now my fiancee and will soon be my wife.  Great kids.  Great friends.  Great hope.  Living fully and freely also means I need to face some difficulties head on and quit trying to always make it easy for me and others.

It is a privilege to breathe, to think, to enjoy and to love.  I will strive to do it better and better each day, even when righteous anger may cause me to deal with the more unsavory things of this world.  However, dealing with them and moving on leads right back to breathing, thinking, enjoying and loving.  That’s where I am headed.  I’m headed there today.

Grace and peace.

They Stink!

30 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

A very good friend asked me the other day if I still blog about me, sports and politics.  Hmm, this space has been all about me, hasn’t it?

The Texas Rangers stink.  There, I said it.  They are the worst team in baseball after making it to the World Series just a couple of years ago.  What the heck happened?  Did the front office commotion with Nolan Ryan and Jon Daniels cause good decisions to fall through the cracks?  And can someone explain to me how you run off a legend like Nolan Ryan?  Heck, even when the Rangers sucked before you could at least get a glimpse of Ryan.  No one wants to see Jon Daniels.

My own interest in sports has been interesting over the past few years.  I used to keep up with it all from high school to pros.  I knew the teams to watch and several of the best players.  Over the past few years as my son became more competitive my sole focus was on him with some Rangers games thrown in for good measure since he was a baseball player.  Truth be told, I couldn’t give a hoot about Jerry Jones and the Cowboys.  And I have no love lost for Mark Cuban and the Mavericks either.  If I had to follow a pro football team it would be the Denver Broncos and if I had to follow a pro basketball team…well, I just don’t care for pro basketball much.

So, why the change in interest?  I wish I knew.  I certainly spend much more time thinking and reading about spirituality and psychology and conflict resolution.  I write about leadership topics on another social media site too.  I guess my priorities have changed.  Sports was great filler for office chats in the past and still takes a little time but I get bored with it too.  That is odd saying considering my radio is usually on ESPN.  Maybe I get my fill of it there and, at times, get frustrated hearing them drone on about the same problems that fans have no control over.

Or maybe it is because I think our society is so freaking off course when a baseball player can make $25 million a year and be average while there are people working as hard as they can and scraping by.  Sure, I have paid the exorbitant prices to take my son to pro baseball games over the past 8 years so I am also part of the problem.  I pay higher TV bills to watch the games too.  I do it because I have become something of a baseball fanatic having learned so many nuances of the game, especially hitting and pitching mechanics.

So what to do now?  Do I go catch up on scores or spend more time wondering why I am conflicted about paying for baseball tickets and the average pay for the players?

I think I’ll have a Fresca.

Grace and peace.

Numbers and Confirmation

28 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

I have a degree in accounting and accounting bores me to tears.  I got the degree because it is the one my parents said they would help pay for and I’m good enough with numbers to know that was hard to pass up.  Even though I don’t prefer accounting work, the numbers are now a part of me and something I understand pretty well.  As I have gone through times of consulting with business owners, I always tell them the numbers are great for planning and reporting but it is the execution that matters most.  Numbers are important in confirming what has happened and answering questions we want to know about something.  Numbers are objective and to some degree take emotion and desire out of responses.  While numbers are as good as the information used to process them, they do tell a story.

This weekend, I got results from an assessment I took along with responses from my VSW.  I have had a feeling about this woman for quite sometime but my accounting training and reliance on objective numbers had led me to be very curious about how we matched up.  Oh my!  We met with someone to discuss the results with us yesterday.  I was confident going in and ecstatic coming out of that time.  I won’t share details but suffice it to say that today is a very good day in my heart and in my head.  There were other confirmations of the same thing that was in my heart over the weekend and it all built to a point of me knowing that my head and heart were in concert and beautiful music was being played.

I am the first to say that I do not know how God works.  I do not know when the acts or does not act even though there are times I think I know it.  I do not know how he chooses to act towards good things and bad things in peoples lives.  All of this is open for much debate and all I can honestly say is that I have so much to learn about God.  That said, today I believe this with all my being.  He has opened his hand in front of me and presented a gift in my life that is radiant and beautiful.  Today, I choose to believe he has acted with favor in my life and given me a gift in the form of a woman, a VSW (very special woman for any new readers), that will bless me and challenge me and love me and share hope with me for all the days ahead.

As I have said in the past, my blog is written by me and to me about things I am dealing with and experiencing today.  For those of you who are reading my notes to myself you know I write often about struggle and pain.  While struggle and pain are a part of life, I do not want to miss the goodness and glory of life and today I am celebrating the extreme joy I get to experience too.  Where I recently wrote about the feeling of being the boxer knocked down over and over, today I have the feeling of a child joyfully running through water, splashing and playing and having the time of my life.  The vision changes from a swimming pool to a beach and back and forth but the idea remains constant.  Simply joy.  It is filled with the laughter that comes from the joy of play, from the joy of happiness, from the joy of feeling like this feeling is all there ever was, is and will be.  Today is one of those days I do not want to forget.  I want it on a loop that plays over and over and I trust it will be there in my mind.

YHWH, while I do not begin to assume I know your ways, today I believe I am experiencing the goodness you have lavished on me.  I believe I see what the future can be, not in a specific kind of way but in an emotional and spiritual way.  Thank you is not enough but it they are the only words I have.  I will try to live the rest of my days respecting and honoring the gift you have laid in my path and in doing so, honor you.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

Quit Hitting Me In The Head

22 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I feel like I am in a boxing movie where one opponent keeps getting knocked to the ground by the other opponent after being hit in the head.  The referee is counting and it looks like the downed opponent is out until he struggles to his feet, is given a second to get reoriented and then starts throwing and taking punches again.  Sometimes, the same guy gets knocked down over and over always managing to get back on his feet.  In the case of Rocky Balboa (I forget which of the Rocky movies it was in), he gets up and wins the fight.  I hope that is how my battle will play out but right now I feel like I’m still in the knock down/get up routine.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

I havent’ read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning but I want to.  Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” resonates today.  Most people who encounter me today will not know the turmoil that is raging on the inside.  A few select people who know me well get the raw, unvarnished truth but most see me going about my business and never realize the pain on the inside.

Recently, I have been intentional to think about people and things I am thankful for.  The challenge is that many of those people/things are not close to me and while I am thankful for them, I am also cut off from them.  It’s a tough balance.  Maybe no balance at all.  The truth, for me, is that I cannot pretend to be happy within my own mind.  I can’t tell myself to be happy and make it so when my days and nights are often accompanied with loneliness and separation.  The kicker is that I am OK with that.  I am willing to accept my current state as a bad one.  Knowing it is bad allows my inner strength to go to work.  My inner strength at work allows me to keep pushing through when I would rather quit.

I don’t know how Frankl made it through his struggles.  I would not want them and mine seem far simpler comparatively.  Still, these struggles are hard for me but I am pushing through believing there are things on the other side of this worth working towards.  I forget who said, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how” but it has truth in it.  I have the why so I keep going, keep hoping, keep striving.  I hope I can look back on this one day and remember when…

Grace and peace.

Have a Good Day

21 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

,

Sometimes, this is just life.

 

 

 

funny

Sometimes the day just doesn’t go my way.  I have to remind myself from time to time that it is not the events that matter as much as my response to them.  I do not have to like the event or enjoy the event but I do have to accept it and decide what response I will choose.  Sometimes my response comes from weakness and I throw lots of self-pity around.  Sometimes my response comes from strength and I accept whatever happens and do the best I can to respond and keep moving forward.  Sometimes my response is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs of strengths and weaknesses.

My VSW made a statement today that is bouncing around in my head.  “I want to live thankfully.”  What a noble goal.  I am proud of her and thankful for her because I struggle to live thankfully.  I accept so much of the muck that gets dumped on me and do the best I can but still fail to seek the things to be thankful for.  For her.  For family.  For friends.  For hope.  For faith.  For Jesus.

Today I will do my best to try and be more thankful.  It isn’t always easy because I am in a situation that has pulled me away from the people I am most thankful for.  Even though they are not close, they are still a part of my life and I am thankful for that.  I may not do it perfectly, just the best I can.  I won’t expect more of myself than I can give but be thankful for what I can give to being thankful.  That will be enough.

Lord, I am thankful for you and for what you have and can do in my life.  I pray for a big change and I pray it comes today.  I also thank you for VSW for all she means, all she pours into me and the hope she gives me for brighter days.

Grace and peace.

Where Do You Go From Rock Bottom?

16 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I recently ate at a place called Rock Bottom.  It was pretty good food and the server was good and it made for a positive experience overall.  The name, Rock Bottom, is stuck in my head today but it has nothing to do with food.  I feel like I have been to rock bottom before and some recent events make me feel like I am there again in one part of my life.  My financial situation is stark.  I am close to rock bottom and I honestly do not know the way out.  Oh sure, I know some steps I need to take but I cannot fathom the whole picture right now.  The whole picture.  That is one of my challenges at times as a perfectionist and it can hinder me from getting to where I need to be financially (as well as spiritually and emotionally).

I am fortunate because I have the love of a VSW.  She is a rock and she inspires me to keep my chin up and keep slugging.  She listens to me when I am down and stays level even though I know it is hard for her to hear what I have to say at times.  She is a special gift.  I also read this quote today and it made me think of her, our relationship and my current financial position.

“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over.” ~Hope Bradford

I can create the reality that life is over, doomed, at rock bottom and never to return or I can choose to face the facts, accept them and look for the changes I can make to get where I want to be.  It starts with me.  I take responsibility for where I am today.  While there are many factors that have affected my current position, there are also many choices I have made that have led me here today.  So, I get to start choosing how to reverse this situation.  No doubt a better job will help.  No doubt cutting some unavoidable expenses will help.  No doubt there are many places I can trim but there are also some obligations I have that I cannot avoid.  It’s a big ball of stuff and I can control what I can control.

Today I am choosing to create a reality that says my life is hard but there are good things I will continue to fight for and there are obstacles I will continue to overcome.  I am choosing that reality but it doesn’t mean I will not struggle along the way and I accept that too.  My reality is not “I will do this or else” but “I will do the best I can today” and stay positive that things will change as I put in the effort to change them, as I rely on people around me to help and certainly as a pray for wisdom and guidance and revelation.

I have created many bad realities.  I do it to other people as well as myself.  Today I want to break that mold and move forward with hope.  There may be tears along the way and I may stumble and fall but the reality is I will keep going forward no matter what comes my way.  I have too much to live for, too much to fight for, too much that is good and worthy.  I am learning that from a VSW and I am thankful she is the one in my life who is radiating that hope into me.

Thank you God for struggles that make us rely on you and the people you put in our lives to help.  Thank you for the gift you have given me and the gifts I trust you will continue to give me.  Thank you for the greatest gift, your Son.  Amen.

Grace and peace.