Category Archives: Life

The Problem with Insecurities

06 Thursday Mar 2014

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The problem with insecurities is feeling insecure.

I don’t always write profound statements but I think that’s one for the ages.

Seriously, insecurities eat at me.  Mine have the most persistent voices of anyone I know.  They tell me I’m not good enough.  That I don’t provide enough.  That I don’t measure up (to a multitude of people and things).  That I’m not good looking.  That I can’t make people happy.  That I’m not worth of love or forgiveness.

OUCH!  Those last two really sting.

The crazy thing about insecurities is that we often find ourselves insecure about something with someone else who is insecure about something and all we see are our own insecurities so it compounds the problem.

I want to quiet the voices of my insecurities.  I want to believe they are false and that I don’t need to feel the way they make me feel.  Sure, I may not be good enough at times.  Sure, someone may not love me at times.  I want to accept that just because those things happen, they are not my identity.

Easier said than done.

I’m a work in progress.

Grace and peace.

Sometimes We All Need A Feel Good Story

04 Tuesday Mar 2014

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It seems like everyday is a battle.  I know it’s a battle of the mind.  I get to choose how I feel about things.  That said, it’s not always that easy.  There are other factors and forces at work and choosing isn’t as simple as “do I get a donut with sprinkles or without.”  So, in these times, it often helps to hear feel good stories that give hope.

And make you look at all your blankets…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BikR-YB4lBg

Grace and peace.

Where You Been?

28 Friday Feb 2014

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I took a blogging holiday.  Sort of.  The truth is, I went through a few dark weeks.  I listened to the demons.  I saw the negative in everything.  It was dark.

It happens to me every so often.  I should say, I let it happen every so often.  My best friend in college called it my “dark mood” and said he made sure to stay away for a couple of weeks.  I was angry at God.  I was angry at the postman.  I was angry at the parking lot attendant.  I was angry with where I’m living.  I was angry at the guy in the fast food line.  Seriously, how many questions are there to ask at Taco Bell?

Then it happened.  “It” was a word from a friend.  “It” was a reminder that he loved me and saw the best in me no matter what I was going through.  “It” was another friend at church who said he loved me and he had hope that we would celebrate the trip out of the valley and darkness.  “It” was a wonderful woman who couldn’t fully understand why I acted the way I did but loved me anyway and stood by me.

I have been blessed with a host of friends.  I don’t know why they like me and stick by me but they do.  The closest of the close stick by me when the dark moods come and when my outlook is all about poor, pitiful me.  They don’t see the ugliness I exhibit on the outside, they only choose to see what they know is on the inside which is a better me, a positive me, a loving me.  They choose who they see and they treat me like the person I want to be instead of the person I’m acting out to be.

Where I’ve been was dark and ugly and I am so thankful that I have the people in my life who grab hold of me, prop me up and slowly walk me forward into the light and the hope of a new day.

Grace and peace.

Doing the Church Thing

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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I’ve got a friend I haven’t spent that much time with but feel like we’ve been friends since we were two.  I think we both think about a lot of things in similar ways with some differences thrown in to keep it lively.  One of the things we’ve been discussing lately is “church” – how it’s done, what it means and why we go.  Something he said the other day really struck a chord with me and I thought…

“Isn’t is odd that we try to define and confine to certain standards something (church, that is) that Jesus was doing that was radical?”

I’ve often said I grew up being taught the “Gospel of Attendance” and heard often, “do not forsake the assembly” as the mantra for who we were and why we did what we did.  Guess what?  If the assembly is trying to live out the Gospel by convincing the Baptists to dump the piano and that the “Church of Christ” is a non-denominational, singularly correct church, then the assembly just might need to be forsaken.

God-in-a-box isn’t what I read about in the Bible.  I’ve spent years listening to teaching on instrumental music, baptism, women’s roles and other areas of “worship” and there is so little of that in the life of Jesus, the true Gospel.  Jesus told Peter he was building his church “on this rock” but it wasn’t a physical rock Christ was talking about, it was the heart of a man who wanted to be a disciple.

We don’t find church on a street corner, in a big building with a nice sign out-front and ample parking for hundreds, if not thousands, of people.  WE FIND CHURCH IN OUR HEART’S DESIRE TO BE A DISCIPLE.  We don’t find church as acts of worship, we find church on the streets, we find church serving the poor, the broken, the orphans and widows, the homeless and hungry, and we find it in reaching those who have so much (materially), they do not understand or have a passion for what they lack (spiritually).

My life has been pretty easy.  I’ve had more than I needed and it was easy to sit on a pew and enjoy the show.  Nod my head and talk about what a great lesson the preacher laid down on my way to Luby’s.  That was church for me for far too many years.

I now find church in my vulnerability.  When I am willing to be transparent about my life, my decisions and my actions, I often find church.  When I am willing to sit with a drug addict, or in a classroom of them, and tell them our life worked out differently but our hearts and our heartaches have traveled many of the same roads AND God still loves and is ready to embrace us, I often find church.  When I’ve sat on a creek bank with men who were homeless and when I’ve cried all the way home leaving them in 108 degree heat while I headed back to a working A/C unit, I often find church.  When I talk to a true friend, one I can be completely honest with, and share my heartache, my brokenness and my fears, I often find church.

Do you want to know if you are doing “church” right.  When your life looks like Christ’s example in the Bible, I’m confident you’ll know you are on the right road.

I say all of this boldly also knowing I have so much to learn about what being a disciple means.  This is where my heart is today.  It’s where Jesus is leading me today.  When I get it all figured out, I will be sure and lead with that.  Until then, I’m just pouring out what is on my heart and my mind.  God, give me grace.

Grace and peace/Kica Ki Kuc

Then There’s That…

05 Wednesday Feb 2014

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It’s National Signing Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers were miming at the Super Bowl but there’s two other stories I’m focused on over exploiting young men for money (schools make lots off the sweat of these kids) and pre-recorded music (I just happen to listen to pre-recorded music everyday since my truck isn’t big enough to load up the band for a live performance).

First, CVS is going to drop the sale of cigarettes.  Let me rephrase that.  CVS is going to drop $1,500,000,000 in annual sales.  Yes, that’s billions of dollars.  It’s important to know the next thing I’m going to say is a little hypocritical but here goes.  Guess where I’m going to start buying my medicines and shopping more?  Yes, CVS!  Sure, I’ll still shop at Wal-Mart that sells cigarettes and Little Debbie snack cakes that taste so good but don’t really help a Type 2 Diabetic in the long term but I’ll take more of my dollars to CVS than I have in the past.  Good on them for standing up for what they believe is right.

Second story, Ken Ham and Bill Nye debating creationism.  I didn’t hear the debate and didn’t know about it until this morning.  I read a TIME article and then started reading the comments.  Lots of non-believers weighing in on the fallacy of the Bible and pointing out many of the things we believers wish we didn’t have to think about (slavery, God taking lives, why and OT and NT if it’s all perfect) at times.  So, why do I have faith and someone else doesn’t.  Why, in all my struggles, through divorce and financial turmoil, do I still pray to God even when I’m angry with Him and another guy doesn’t believe at all who is in the same boat.  Or, someone who is doing much better off than me?  The Bible isn’t a perfect book for people who want to believe in something they can understand.  It’s only a perfect book for those of us who choose to believe in something we cannot comprehend.  My faith is constantly tested and I cannot explain why I continue to walk in faith to someone who wants a logical answer.  It’s just not logical.  To curse God and walk away seems much more logical to me.  Yet, I choose faith.

Oh Lord, I want Jesus to come and come soon.  I don’t seek death, I simply seek Heaven and life where there is no more pain, no more night, where existence is utter joy and complete peace.

Grace and peace.

Peacemaking in the Middle

31 Friday Jan 2014

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Last May I graduated with a Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution.  I initially started the class because a) I wanted to get a Masters degree and prove to myself at the ripe age of 46 that I could do it and b) I wanted to understand how to work through conflict better.  The program was more than I could have imagined (shout-out to Abilene Christian University and the Duncum Center for Conflict Resolution) and set me on a path to address conflict more productively in my own life and to help others through conflict.

Shortly after completing the degree I went through a life change leaving the job I had for 18 years and venturing into the unknown.  As things go sometimes, my plans failed and I was in a downward financial spiral for several months.  I finally found a new job but it hasn’t been exactly what I expected.  What I did expect was conflict in the workplace.  What I didn’t expect was the “why” and how it was being handled prior to my arrival.  For conflict to be truly resolved, the parties in conflict have to both want to resolve it and both talk to each other.  For various reasons I continue to understand better the longer I am here, that isn’t happening and may not ever happen.  I understand.  I still live in conflict with someone who rather berate me, challenge me and try to drag me into a fight than to sit down and talk as adults.  What am I supposed to do with that?  As a peacemaker, I want to reconcile with those I’m in conflict with and I want to help others at least resolve the issue if not reach further for reconciliation.  However, there are times when at least one party rather fight than reconcile.

I want to help them reach a peaceful ending.  I wish I could be a part of many happy endings but sometimes being in the middle means we can only help if help is wanted, otherwise we have to sit and watch.  Being in the middle of this conflict may mean I don’t have a position here when it reaches the end of the line.  While I don’t want that to happen, I still have a strong desire to help lead these guys into a peaceful settlement.  I doubt they will ever fully agree with each other.  There is much water under the bridge.  My goal is to help them simply let the past be the past, lay it down and only look to today and to the future.  Some things are hard to undo but everyday is a fresh start.

I’m in the middle.  It’s not where I want to be but it is where God has me now.  I hope I can help bring peace and reconciliation where there is hurt.  And, I hope I can do it and keep getting a paycheck!

Grace and peace.

The Dent

27 Monday Jan 2014

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I have driven on ice in Texas for the past 35 years and never had a dent or ding to my vehicle.  My dad taught me to drive on ice when I was 15.  He had been stationed in Greenland in the Air Force so he knew all about ice driving and shared it with me.  They were lessons that have paid dividends over the years so that I’ve never missed a day of work or had any injuries due to ice.  Slow and steady wins the race on those days.

Last Thursday, we had ice on the ground when I came to work.  No problems for me.  I was in my office when the receptionist came in and told me a coworker had run into my truck and wanted me to come outside.  Well, sure enough, the lady was trying to pull into a spot close to me and slid right into my back door.  Man, she felt horrible.  She told everyone at work about it, put it on Facebook and apologized to me multiple times.  I constantly reminded her it was only metal.  No people were hurt and that was all that was important.  Three other people at work came and asked me if I was okay.  Of course, I said.  I only felt bad for my coworker who never meant to cause harm and was only doing her best to be a good employee.

Life is like that.  We go for years and nothing too bad happens and then someone dings us even when they didn’t mean to.  It makes me wonder how many times I have dinged other people emotionally or spiritually without meaning to do it…and may have been completely oblivious to it.

Insurance will pay for the damage.  It will be fixed and we’ll both go on.  No blood, no foul.  It isn’t always that easy with the emotional and spiritual damage we cause.  Sometimes those dents last a long, long time.  I pray for heapings of grace and mercy when I have run into someone else without meaning to and even more grace and mercy when I did it knowing I could choose another path.

I’m thankful Christ has already paid the insurance bill for the dents I cause.

Grace and peace.

Some Days I Feel Like Singing

17 Friday Jan 2014

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I love good singing.  Growing up in the churches of Christ, I have been fortunate to hear good singing.  At Abilene Christian University, they have a tradition at several events where the entire audience sings “The Lord Bless You and Keep You” and, with 4,000+ voices, it can be overwhelmingly powerful.

The good Lord chose not to bless me with a singing voice.  I think he knew that if I had a good voice, I’d wind up in a band like Motley Crue or certainly living the life of a rock star and all the bad that comes with that.  So, being in the churches of Christ, I was able to boast that I made a joyful noise just like the Bible calls for.  Woohoo!

Now don’t get me wrong.  Just because of grew up in a church of Christ background doesn’t mean I’m against instruments.  If you get in my truck, you’ll know I like my subwoofers turned up high.  I have worshipped many times where a band was used and found them to be incredibly talented.  I’m not against instruments but I am for voices.  I love the Sing Off, a voice-only show on TV.  I love The Voice where one person is initially judged solely by the sound of their voice.

All that to say, some days I just feel like singing.  I sing in the bathroom.  I sing in the shower.  I sing getting dressed.  I sing in the truck.  I sing in the office.  Yes, that one does draw some consternation.  And, when I’m singing, I find myself singing praise songs.  Today, 10,000 Reasons is on my heart.  I was fortunate to be able to worship with Matt Chandler last May.  It was a very uplifting experience and this has become one of my favorite songs.  I hope you will enjoy…and sing along with me.

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman

Grace and peace.

When Bad is Good

15 Wednesday Jan 2014

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Relationships are hard work.  I’m in a role at work where I am trying to help two owners work through some deep and serious disagreements.  I don’t know if they will be willing to back up and talk to each other again and it’s all because of disagreements that communication months ago could have fixed.  I’ve been in a marriage where it was hard work and the marriage failed.  Sometimes bad things just go bad.

I’ve recently been exposed to a situation where one party didn’t underderstand another.  Misunderstandings can sometimes be created by expectations placed on another person without communication.  And, that’s exactly what happened in the situation.  One party expected something from the other.  The second party wanted something different.    The next day the first party was still down in the dumps.  Not angry or mad, just dejected.

That’s when the call came.  The second party called and asked if something was wrong.  The first party tried to blow it off.  He knew part of his issue was his own expectations of what he wanted.  They second party then started probing and before long figured out there was an expectation that wasn’t met.  Here’s what the second party said next, “I’m so sorry, I was focused on what I wanted and didn’t try to see it from your point view nor did I ask.  Please forgive me.”  Well, what can the first party say except yes unless they want to be a real horses behind.

Here’s the cool part.  As the first party is relaying this to me, he makes this comment.  “Knowing the other party actually cared enough to call me and find out and then apologize made me realize two things.  First, I had put my expectation on them without communicating it.  Second, I was thinking of what I wanted more than what they wanted.  Now I feel closer to them than before.”

A bad situation and the resulting open communication made the relationship better.  Good can come out of bad after all.  Good can come out of anything.  Look at lives around you, lives that have been broken, dreams crushed, families torn apart, heartache and hurt, financial struggle…the bad situations are plenty.  Yet, when we look close we can often find something good coming out of the bad.  As a believer, I have seen how God works.  His son, hanging on a cross was horrific but the world was given forgiveness through that bad experience.

Good can come out of bad.  The question is whether we will lay our pride and our desires down to accept what is good or will we hang on to the bad with bitterness and anger.  It’s our choice.  My friend is celebrating a deeper and more meaningful relationship because there was communication and because both parties chose to lay down their armor, give up their protection and seek peace through their vulnerability.

Grace and peace.

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

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Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out.  It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them.  What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick.  I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better.  Then it happened.  The quick race to the bathroom.  The pain inside.  Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief.  The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this.  Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out.  Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight.  I went wide open and it came flowing out.  I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage.  I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story.  I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time.  Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known.  My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was.  Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone?  I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden.  I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own.  It’s out there.  It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating.  Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy.  Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in.  I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night.  And I feel good.

Grace and peace.