The Hard Days

19 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in bad decisions, pain, suffering

December 17 is a hard day. A day with bad memories. It comes just shortly before Christmas, a time that is supposed to be a happy time, a celebratory time…and yet the days leading up to Christmas are hard days. var gaJsHost = ((“https:” == document.location.protocol) ? “https://ssl.” : “http://www.”); document.write(unescape(“%3Cscript src='” + gaJsHost + “google-analytics.com/ga.js’ type=’text/javascript’%3E%3C/script%3E”)); try { var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker(“UA-12356560-1”); pageTracker._trackPageview(); } catch(err) {}

How is one supposed to get through hard days? How am I supposed to get through hard days with a smile of my face and a spring in my step? The easy answer is Jesus, the son of God who has suffered more than any other human but the easy answer doesn’t immediately make me feel warm and fuzzy.

This I know. The hard days move into history and my hope is that in the days to come, on the December 17th’s that will follow, the days will be easier and the pain will lessen. I do trust in God to bring healing. December 17 will never be a day of great happiness for what has happened in this world but I know in my head that there can still be joy for what is to come. I look forward from that knowledge moving from my head to my heart.

Grace and peace to you.

Memories

22 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in Allelon, beauty, God, healing, hurt, pain, sabbath

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This ain’t a great day for me. Last night I kept thinking about where I was on the same date many years ago and things I had done on this date. The memories bring smiles and they bring tears. var gaJsHost = ((“https:” == document.location.protocol) ? “https://ssl.” : “http://www.”); document.write(unescape(“%3Cscript src='” + gaJsHost + “google-analytics.com/ga.js’ type=’text/javascript’%3E%3C/script%3E”)); try { var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker(“UA-12356560-1”); pageTracker._trackPageview(); } catch(err) {}

Last year at this time I was at ACU meeting some of the coolest kids I’ve ever met. Allelon is their website I’m familiar with. I’m not sure it’s still the one they use but check it out. It was a day that kept change in my life active.

My son. Baseball. This weekend. I. Can’t. Wait.

Did I mention the Rangers look like they are headed back to the playoffs? Good stuff.

I hope to do a better job living in what God has given me instead of spending too much time thinking about what Satan has taken away. I’ve got so much more from God, so much promise and true hope, so much unconditional love and acceptance for who I am, warts and all. I want to be better at being open to his presence in my life, every moment of it. I want to be confident in my walk with him even when people don’t understand it, I want to enjoy sabbath time with him even when events, people and my desires want to pull me one way or another, I want to have peace in my time of healing even as my head tells me to press ahead and go places I know deep down my heart isn’t ready for. I want to walk side-by-side with God instead of trying to make my own way in the world. I’ve done it well at times and when I do, there is a beauty to my life that I can’t describe. It’s where I want to be.

Grace and peace to you.

The Pain of Yesterday

11 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in Josh Hamilton, pain, Rangers

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I was watching the Rangers game the other night and saw a foul ball hit to left field. Josh Hamilton goes to pick it up and tosses it to the ballgirl instead of turning to throw it over the back fence. I can’t help but wonder if he doesn’t feel some pain every time that happens. If you don’t know the story, Hamilton picked up a foul ball a few weeks ago and tossed it to a fan in the stands behind the left field wall. The fan reached out to catch it, lost his balance, fell over the fence 20 feet below hitting his head and died soon after. His young son (6 years old I believe) was sitting next to his dad when it happened. Now, Hamilton did what we hope every pro player will do – toss us something we can hang onto. I don’t know Josh Hamilton but believe him to be a compassionate man and I can’t help but think he wishes he would have held onto the ball that Shannon Stone missed that fateful night. When I saw him toss a ball to the ballgirl the other night, I couldn’t help but think he still feels the pain of that one toss. And I wondered about that little boy and his family and whether they would attend more baseball games in the future. A father and son, a baseball game, hot dogs and Josh Hamilton standing in front of you. What’s better than that kind of night? Then it turns to pain.

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I assume that to be true because I’ve tossed a lot of balls in my past I wish I would have held onto. Not real balls, but something that I did that turned out bad, that turned out to bring pain in my life I didn’t expect, didn’t think about, certainly didn’t want. Then, each time a similar situation comes up or some trigger reminds me about that toss I made, I am revisited by the pain. There are times where I deserved the pain and there are times where the pain comes from something that was supposed to be good. Either way, I wish I could have held onto that ball.

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I trust Josh Hamilton’s faith will help him keep moving forward but my guess is he will never thrown another ball over that back fence because it’s pain he doesn’t want to revisit. I trust my faith will get me through the times I feel the pain and I trust that God will be at work to mend the wounds and help me know that the pain is nothing compared to the goodness and a life without pain that is waiting for me.

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Grace and peace to you.
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Markers

26 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in Cry Out to Jesus, hope, pain, Third Day

≈ 1 Comment

We mark a lot of events. Birthdays (happy birthday Shannon!) and anniversaries are maybe the most common but we also mark the bad days and bad events. I’m not sure if many people are like me but I tend to remember the bad markers better than the good markers. Sunday was one of those markers, an anniversary of sorts that is a painful reminder of something lost. It’s odd that I would spend the day vacillating between it being a day of resurrection and hope and a day of what is dead and lost, not odd that I would be thinking about one or the other but that they occurred on the same day. I was fortunate to be with a great church family and some very, very dear friends that day but I also needed and wanted some time alone to process, to cry, to read and maybe to heal a little. I was granted both time with others and time alone on Sunday.

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I often wish I could have a do-over. There are so many choices I don’t think I’d make again. I realize that many of my choices have led me to where I am and I don’t get the do-over so where do I go from here? Well, I’ll start by crying out to Jesus for help, for guidance, for courage, for strength to take the next step, to keep moving forward and to use my experiences, good or bad, to help others who are crying out for help too. I’ve been told by some people I couldn’t have reached them without some of my experiences. Honestly, it’s a tool I wish I didn’t have but it is what it is and my next step to growing closer to God is to use what I have and what he is giving me and go from there. I can’t rewrite the past but I can work on making the right decision today. So, I’ll keep crying out to Jesus to lead me.

Wounds

08 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in cut, pain, wound

≈ 2 Comments

Why do some wounds take so long to heal? I have a cut on my arm that is taking forever (it seems) to heal. A big scab covered the wound for awhile and then it came off and a smaller one formed followed by one even smaller. Each time, I see it getting better but the cut is still there.

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Life isn’t much different. Sometimes the cut is covered but the scab comes off, the wound is revealed but a smaller scab forms and so on. While the healing gets better and shorter, the wound is still there.

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Grace and peace to you.
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Things I’m Wrestling With – Day 1

31 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in contemplation, contemplative, pain

≈ 2 Comments

I think this week might turn into a wrestling theme. Several things are on my mind right now; battles, victories, challenges, obstacles, the power of God to do more than I can imagine and my willingness.

I’m a contemplative person by nature. I like to address ideas and problems by taking time to think about them, to study them, to know as much about the possibilities and contingencies as possible. Being contemplative, I enjoy time alone, quiet and away from others. Some people find this strange, some think it anti-social, others think it a waste of time and then some find it to be brilliant (OK, maybe I’m the only one who thinks that way). I enjoy my solitary time while I know others prefer to be busy.
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When I recently experienced the darkest days of my life, my first reaction was to stop and think (alone) but I was often encouraged to “stay busy” and I have found myself taking that advice. I would go and do and keep myself engaged with something, anything, so I wouldn’t stop and think about all that needed to be dealt with the way I normally deal with issues. And now, I think it has caused me to prolong some pain and healing I have needed and some changes that I need to make because I was staying busy while I believe I was really needing to be me, to think, to process and to heal the way I need to heal.

I don’t relish pain, don’t go looking for pain and will try to avoid pain but sometimes I need to experience the pain for what it will bring. If I needed a heart transplant to stay alive, I have no doubt I would do it. I wouldn’t avoid the heart transplant because I knew there would be pain following it. I would accept the pain and deal with it knowing it was part of making me whole again. It’s no different than the heart work I have needed through these dark days. I needed to go through the pain because the pain reminds me I’m still alive and it has a way of aiding in the healing.

Pain means something has happened that gives me the opportunity to heal and, hopefully, be better. How much better? Who knows? One pitcher has Tommy John surgery and comes back to pitch better than ever. Another pitcher has Tommy John surgery and never pitches again but he can use his arm without it hurting all the time. Different levels of positive results but positive results all the same.

I have come to realize that I need to take time to be contemplative, to be me, and to finish a process that I believe will make me stronger, more whole, more healthy. I have started a journey that I believe will leave me feeling me more unshackled than I’ve ever known, more free. It’s another step. And what great journey has never begun without a single, small step?

It Ain’t Easy

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Seeking Peace in Blogging, discipline, missions, pain

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Blogging can be a very difficult hobby. I have been working on two posts and I cannot complete either of them because of the difficulty of the subjects I want to tackle. I have much to say but seem to be inept in putting it in a succinct thought process that can be read in day, much less minutes. It makes me want to scream. That said, I’ll just ramble for a moment and hope the words come to me for these other posts. I’m sure I will get some feedback in various forms if and when I can get them up.

We have a group of 35 from our church headed to Ecuador this Friday. I wish I was going but it didn’t work out this year so I will ask you to join me in praying for them and the work they will be doing with a home for orphans. You can learn more about it at hohministries.com.

I have a friend who has a parent dying from cancer. It was heart-wrenching talking to him the other day. My heart is heavy for the ordeal that is before them and I pray that God gives them all peace that goes beyond understanding.

Last week, I heard one of our youth talk to the rest of the group about how fast you can find yourself in trouble. He knows from experience. His talk got me thinking about Hebrews 12 again and how disciple allows us to grow. It’s not what anyone wants but it can be very beneficial. This from Hebrews 12…⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Here’s to the hope that our joy in the Lord will be bountiful and our discipline short-lived.

Grace and peace to you.