Birthdays Come and Gone

04 Monday Feb 2013

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Birthdays are markers of sorts. For some of us, they are a marker of time passing swiftly by. For some, it is the freedom of a drivers license and a car. For others, it may be full of memories.

As I’ve moved through the past few years with a great deal of pain, I have protected myself. Reading another blog the other day, I came across the following which has so aptly described me:

What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.

I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.

I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.

So what does that have to do with birthdays. Since my divorce, I have built walls around my heart and made the personal decision I would never again set myself up for the emotional train wreck I’ve been living for the past 12 years. Somehow, I allowed two women to get close and the alarm went off and I moved on. Maybe there were good reasons for moving on. Maybe God had more in store for each of us than what was. Either way, as I read the words above, for some reason I thought about the birthdays of the two women who tried to tear down my walls. I thought about markers in time, my passing years, the days between the birthdays we shared and today and what has happened in the meantime. This remembrance came just a few moments after recounting my divorce, the years before and the pain of separation from my children that still enflame the wounds of my heart. I stopped and prayed for these two women, these warriors who tried to help me only to be met with resistance. I prayed for their hearts, for their families and for what God is planning to do in their futures. I asked that it be to His glory and a glorious ride for both of them.

And then what for me? The wall hasn’t crumbled. My desire to live in gratefulness is elusive at this moment. The rollercoaster ride that is my life took another dip.

I trust there will be better days and that some of these hard days are good reminders of where I’ve been and where I’m headed. Yet, it hasn’t stopped my support of the walls, of the numbness I often live in. What will God do with that? Will He be able to tear it down or does that all depend on me? Will he send someone who will make me want to tear down the walls? Or, do I simply have to come closer to Him because I use the wall to try and keep Him at a distance too?

I have no answers today. I may have no answers tomorrow. So, I keep asking God to let me see with His eyes. Maybe one day things will be different…

Grace and peace.

Newtown and Gun Control

17 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Prayer

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battle, gun control, Newtown, pain, prayer, spiritual battle, tragedy

I’m a firm believer that guns are not responsible for the death of people. Knives are not responsible for the death of people. Cyanide is not responsible for the death of people. Fertilizer is not responsible for the death of people.

What do we say to the parents who lost children in China? What do we say to the Jews? What do we say to Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims? What do we say to the families who lost family in Oklahoma City? What do we say to the victims of drunk drivers? There are plenty of statistics floating around about the number of drunk driving deaths being higher than random gun violence.

We have to solve the problem, not the symptom or the result. People are responsible for the death of people. Hearts that are not right are responsible for the death of people. Minds that need attention are responsible for the death of people. When will this country decide to face the problem instead of the result?

To that end, I issue this simple prayer.

Lord, prepare me for battle. Arm me with every piece of weaponry you armed your son, Jesus, with as he walked the earth. Give me strength, wisdom, courage and desire to face evil in this world the way Jesus faced evil. Amen.

Grace and peace.

Hurting

15 Saturday Dec 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith, Prayer

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hurting, kids, killing, lost, love, murder, tragedy, wounded

What happened in Newtown, CT yesterday was a tragedy that will never be able to be explained. 20 children dead. 6 others killed. Why? Why? Oh Lord, why?

There will be loud and incessant chatter from those blaming God and guns over the next few days and weeks. All of those people are missing the issue.

I cannot begin to fathom the mental torment of someone who walks into an elementary school and starts killing innocent people. I cannot. I cannot begin to fathom the mental torment that a Jeffrey Dahmer, a Unibomber, a Adolf Hitler must be dealing with. I cannot. But, I do know it exists.

There are people who choose to take their own life instead of the lives of others. They too are going through a level of mental torment that many people cannot understand. It’s a mental torment I am closer to understanding. Some overcome it. Many don’t.

The challenge is not that guns are available. Do we ban ropes? Sheets? Knives? We allow people to operate cars who are drunk. These are all symptoms of a bigger problem. A problem revolving around mental and emotional issues. A problem that is often swept under the rug. Or ignored. Or laughed at. Or locked up. Certainly a problem that carries a stigma from many of the “normal people” running loose pretending they don’t have problems.

I haven’t met one single person that wouldn’t benefit from counseling. Not one. I’ve met a bunch who don’t think they need it or who just won’t go but I don’t know any who haven’t battled wounds and scars that need healing and need help.

We will never legislate evil out of the world. We will never have enough laws to prevent evil. Only love has overcome evil and only love will ever overcome evil. Love for the hurting. Love for the battle weary; love for the scarred and the scared, the wounded and the hurting, the lost and alone.

Today I will call people I love and tell them I love them and I am here for them. I will also consciously look for others who are hurting, who are enduring problems that no one wants to talk about. I will pray that God brings those people my way and allow me to reach out to them, not to fix them, but to only love them.

Grace and peace.

Thankfulness

27 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith, Prayer

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prayer, thankful, thankfulness

I woke up Monday morning to the news of a 10 year losing his courageous and long battle with cancer. Today, I spoke with a man helping me find a job whose son committed suicide after his parents went through an ugly divorce.

Every morning I talk to God and tell Him what scares me and what I’m worried about. It is getting harder and harder to talk about my fears and worries when I hear stories like the two above. I have incredible friends who love me and surround me with support when times are hard and when things are rolling along. I have two kids that make me both humble and proud that God would give me such beautiful gifts. I have gifts, abilities and talents that will allow me to do many things and have a measure of health that still allows me to get around pretty well. Those are just a few of the good things I have in my life.

As I write this, I keep coming back to the thought of praying each morning and telling God my fears when He has blessed me so generously in this realm yet, so much more, has blessed me with a victory that will last forever. How simple-minded I see myself at times that I can focus on what I can feel and see when the greatest gifts are unseen.

I hope my prayers will continue to move to prayers of thanksgiving. Though I know I can still voice my concerns, I hope my focus sees the blessings but much, much more than that, I hope I continue to grow closer and closer to God so that my focus is on His will and what He has in store for me…today and for eternity. I have so much to be thankful for and I give God all the glory for the beauty in my life and for His continual presence when life isn’t as beautiful.

I ask that you say a prayer for Rex’s family as they grieve his loss and for Hank and his healing from losing his precious son.

Grace and peace.

Out of Control

23 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith, Prayer

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bitterness, control, joy, pain, peace

I know people who want total control over their lives (and over the lives of people around them in some cases) and when they don’t have it, become combative, defensive, offensive, mean. Others become depressed and withdrawn. Others just keep going faster and faster on a journey to complete flame-out.

I can control one thing and that is how much trust I will put in God.

I’m in a position where the world says I need to be worried, frenetic, and busy. The world has had some influence because I have given in to all of these things. At the same time, God tells me he has plans for me (Ephesians 2:10) and if I am to believe that, I should have peace and optimism about what the future holds.

I find it interesting to watch the reaction of Christians when I tell them that I am trusting God, that I am using this time to rest and recover from the busy-oholic life I have been living. It does not mean I am not working to change my position. After all, faith without works is dead, right? However, while I work I am putting more faith in God to open the right doors and I am praying that God does more than I can imagine in this time.

I’m getting some rest (I still haven’t learned to slow down enough to appreciate Sabbath), my health is getting better and my mind is starting to work like it used to again. I credit this to faith. To letting controlling what I can and giving control of what I cannot do to God. I want to be out of control and for Him to be in control.

Grace and peace.

Thanksgiving

22 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith, Prayer

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prayer, Thanksgiving

It’s a day in America where we stop to give thanks (and, apparently shop for the best holiday bargains). A day. I need to work on that in my life.

Father God, may I remember to give thanks everyday. May I learn to live a life of thanksgiving. I pray I will give you the challenges and burdens of the day while never forgetting to thank you for the one and only thing that really has meaning for me, your love, mercy, grace, and salvation. Father, my desire this day is to be thankful every day, all day, for what truly has meaning and that the things of life will be seen with perspective for who you are and for all you have given me and sacrificed for me.

May the words of my lips and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you Lord and may my actions reflect your love. May I learn to see people the way you see them and I pray I will learn to treat them with all the compassion and love you have shown me.

Thank you for Jesus, for His life and example, for His death and love and for His resurrection and the hope He gives me and all men.

In the Holy name of Jesus I pray, amen.

Grace and peace.

I Just Said The Weirdest Prayer

29 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in anger, hatred, love, peace, Prayer

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A good friend sent me an email the other day about a letter Shannon Stone’s mother had written to Josh Hamilton encouraging him to continue tossing foul balls to fans in the stands. (Story) I saw it again on ESPN today and re-read and then started reading some of the responses and just started getting mad. People writing rude things about how the mother’s name is spelled, about the son, about faith, etc. I realized I was having the response that evil would want me to have so I stopped and prayed for all the posters who wrote something rude, prayed that somehow their hearts would be touched by grace and mercy and love.

It’s weird praying for strangers who are mean but I already feel better having chosen prayer over anger. I might try it again one day.

Grace and peace to you.

It Should All Be Fun and Games

22 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in battle, Christmas, Ephesians 6, Prayer

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Oh, how my heart hurts for these people, for the pain and stress of what these issues are bringing them at a time that is supposed to be filled with joy.

I can’t help but to go to Ephesians 6 over and over, never more than last night.

Lord, come quickly. In the meantime, keep my friends strong and give me the wisdom to help how I can. And, if I can ask this, thump the enemy on his head really, really hard.

Grace and peace to you.

All My Blogging Friends Have Settled Down

24 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in answered prayer, Prayer

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In my heritage, we have been so cautious to speak about God’s direction in our lives that some, hungry for a more active God, have over-reacted with a God who constantly tells us what to do. Oddly enough, God’s voice ends up sounding a lot like our own inner desires much of the time. I am not seeking to encourage a more human centered life. To the contrary, I am seeking to develop people who submit fully to God’s will and take full responsibility for their role in God’s economy. If God told us everything to do like a micro-managing parent, we would not grow up any more than an over-indulged child with a hovering parent. – Dan Bouchelle’s Blog

I believe I hear God speak to me in various ways (not necessarily the booming voice coming from the mountain top) but it’s only in issues that I believe serve his desires and purposes. I know some people who thank God because the Rangers won or they found the up-close parking spot and I really find it hard to believe God cares much about those things. On the other hand, when people pray in earnest for God to move in people’s hearts on an upcoming special contribution, I can’t help but believe God spoke to some folks, some how, some way.

I think God wants me to hear his voice and he wants me to hear him talk about things that make a difference in his kingdom, not my little world. When the two intersect, I want to give the glory to God and know I am walking his path.

Grace and peace to you.

Pitching and Conviction

02 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Seeking Peace in persecution, Prayer, Romans

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Koji and Adams. The Rangers certainly got busy and pulled off a couple of big trades at the deadline. It will be a few years to see how good the trade was as we watch the other guy develop, or fail to develop, but I liked what I saw out of Koji yesterday and everyone is saying Adams is the “it” guy from the NL. We’ll see. Go Rangers.

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Yesterday’s sermon from Romans 12 was convicting. Rick did what good preachers do by reminding me that there is something missing in my prayer life that I’m commanded to do but don’t really care to do – pray for those who are persecuting me. Now, I’m fortunate that no one is beating me or imprisoning me for my beliefs but sometimes the mental wounds feel as deep and as painful as what I imagine the physical wounds to be. From terrorists who threaten our safety and security to people who want to argue with us about our beliefs and actions to those who would try to gain ground and build stature around our mistakes to those who are simply abusive, everyone I know faces some level of persecution and I, for one, have certainly failed at praying for anyone and everyone who I believe is persecuting or hurting me in some way. I’m thankful I got an earful of reminder yesterday that the power of God can do amazing things if I will tap into it.