Divorce and the Church

04 Tuesday Feb 2014

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I’m divorced.  It’s horrible.  It’s tragic.  It hurts me and it has hurt other people in my life.  I know why God says it’s a bad thing.  It is.  Plain and simple.

I was recently talking with a friend who has been taught in the same conservative faith background as me.  His church is wrestling with the issue of divorce and remarriage.  It’s something I understand well having seen how divorced people who had remarried someone else were treated in the church I grew up in.  Not pretty at all.  When I went through my divorce, I expected to be treated differently.  Of course, there are always some who will look down their nose at anyone but my church really reached out to me, love me and held on to me.  This isn’t currently the case in my friends church.  They want to ostracize a woman who is getting remarried.  The want to judge her and everyone involved with the wedding.  It’s sad.

The saddest part is I know that some of the most vocal people are struggling in their marriages.  Instead of finding ways to make their marriages better, they are condemning a result.  The issue is not stopping the result, it’s fixing the problem long before divorce becomes an issue.

I have been berated by someone in my church family for dating.  He told me it was sin and, if I remarried, I would be living in sin until I got out of that marriage.  That line of thinking blows me away.

So, if I get divorced and remarry it is a sin.  However, if I divorce the second woman and go back to being single, it’s not sin anymore.  Huh?  Really?  Christ died for that line of thinking?  Oh, maybe grace covers the second sin but not the first.  Really?

If I extrapolate that idea of “killing” the second marriage to Abraham and Sarah, wouldn’t Abraham have needed to kill Ishmael because he was born from an illicit affair?

What about David?  He can be forgiven for sleeping with a married woman, having a child (who is killed by God so there’s that), kills the woman’s husband and he’s called a man after God’s own heart but if I remarry I continually live in sin.  Really?  The Gospel is that difficult and confusing?

What if I get remarried and have kids?  Then I’m supposed to leave all of them to return to a state of not living in sin?  You must be kidding, right?

Sin is dangerous business, there’s no two ways about it.  I still hate that I’m divorced but accept that I can’t control everything or everybody.  If my spouse was hellbent (no pun intended) on a divorce, all I could do was try to stop it but I’m not a miracle worker.  Still, some churches need to step back and examine their teaching with the totality of God’s word.

The Sermon on the Mount is a perfect illustration of the situation to me.  Jesus told the people they had heard “do not kill” but he told them not to hold anger towards someone else in their hearts.  He told the people they had heard “do not commit adultery” and he told them not to lust.  Maybe, if he would have kept going, he would have said you heard “do not divorce” and then told them not to let their marriages fall into a state of disrepair.  Jesus came to change our hearts, not our actions.  The actions simply follow the heart.  Imagine if Jesus said, don’t get divorced but it’s ok if you can’t stand each other, if you fight, if you never talk, and if you raise up your kids in this environment.  So when he says “do not divorce” in scripture, do you think he’s just referring to the action or is he admonishing people to change their hearts before it gets there?

I pray no one ever has to know the pain of divorce that I have known.

I pray for churches who are there to pray and encourage and hold up those who are scarred by it.

Grace and peace.

Peacemaking in the Middle

31 Friday Jan 2014

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Last May I graduated with a Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution.  I initially started the class because a) I wanted to get a Masters degree and prove to myself at the ripe age of 46 that I could do it and b) I wanted to understand how to work through conflict better.  The program was more than I could have imagined (shout-out to Abilene Christian University and the Duncum Center for Conflict Resolution) and set me on a path to address conflict more productively in my own life and to help others through conflict.

Shortly after completing the degree I went through a life change leaving the job I had for 18 years and venturing into the unknown.  As things go sometimes, my plans failed and I was in a downward financial spiral for several months.  I finally found a new job but it hasn’t been exactly what I expected.  What I did expect was conflict in the workplace.  What I didn’t expect was the “why” and how it was being handled prior to my arrival.  For conflict to be truly resolved, the parties in conflict have to both want to resolve it and both talk to each other.  For various reasons I continue to understand better the longer I am here, that isn’t happening and may not ever happen.  I understand.  I still live in conflict with someone who rather berate me, challenge me and try to drag me into a fight than to sit down and talk as adults.  What am I supposed to do with that?  As a peacemaker, I want to reconcile with those I’m in conflict with and I want to help others at least resolve the issue if not reach further for reconciliation.  However, there are times when at least one party rather fight than reconcile.

I want to help them reach a peaceful ending.  I wish I could be a part of many happy endings but sometimes being in the middle means we can only help if help is wanted, otherwise we have to sit and watch.  Being in the middle of this conflict may mean I don’t have a position here when it reaches the end of the line.  While I don’t want that to happen, I still have a strong desire to help lead these guys into a peaceful settlement.  I doubt they will ever fully agree with each other.  There is much water under the bridge.  My goal is to help them simply let the past be the past, lay it down and only look to today and to the future.  Some things are hard to undo but everyday is a fresh start.

I’m in the middle.  It’s not where I want to be but it is where God has me now.  I hope I can help bring peace and reconciliation where there is hurt.  And, I hope I can do it and keep getting a paycheck!

Grace and peace.

What’s Your Sign Say?

30 Thursday Jan 2014

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I drove by a church the other day that said, “Atheists have believing in their future.”  While I believe that is true, I wonder if that is the message we should be sending atheists.

What about today?  Do they need to believe today?  If so, what is our message to them?  Is “believe today” good enough?

The trouble with signs is they make a place for cute messages but the message often isn’t the one Christ gave.  He said to love.

Love is kind.  Are our signs always kind are do they come across as warnings, or worse, snippy messages.

Love is patient.  Sure, the sign said believing is in their future so patience is afforded in that comment.  However, will we be patient with them?

Love believes all things.  Do we think our cute signs will be the change people need or do we believe that, through love, Christ will work through us for His purpose.  Does that require a sign or a relationship?

I get the purpose of the sign and I understand the church is trying to do a good thing but I hope they will speak and act in love more than in messages on a board.

Love requires patience, love is kind, love believes in people because they are all children of God.  Love is active and constant and takes work.  Love requires relationship and relationship is what truly leads to Christ.

Grace and peace.

The Dent

27 Monday Jan 2014

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I have driven on ice in Texas for the past 35 years and never had a dent or ding to my vehicle.  My dad taught me to drive on ice when I was 15.  He had been stationed in Greenland in the Air Force so he knew all about ice driving and shared it with me.  They were lessons that have paid dividends over the years so that I’ve never missed a day of work or had any injuries due to ice.  Slow and steady wins the race on those days.

Last Thursday, we had ice on the ground when I came to work.  No problems for me.  I was in my office when the receptionist came in and told me a coworker had run into my truck and wanted me to come outside.  Well, sure enough, the lady was trying to pull into a spot close to me and slid right into my back door.  Man, she felt horrible.  She told everyone at work about it, put it on Facebook and apologized to me multiple times.  I constantly reminded her it was only metal.  No people were hurt and that was all that was important.  Three other people at work came and asked me if I was okay.  Of course, I said.  I only felt bad for my coworker who never meant to cause harm and was only doing her best to be a good employee.

Life is like that.  We go for years and nothing too bad happens and then someone dings us even when they didn’t mean to.  It makes me wonder how many times I have dinged other people emotionally or spiritually without meaning to do it…and may have been completely oblivious to it.

Insurance will pay for the damage.  It will be fixed and we’ll both go on.  No blood, no foul.  It isn’t always that easy with the emotional and spiritual damage we cause.  Sometimes those dents last a long, long time.  I pray for heapings of grace and mercy when I have run into someone else without meaning to and even more grace and mercy when I did it knowing I could choose another path.

I’m thankful Christ has already paid the insurance bill for the dents I cause.

Grace and peace.

Am Too! Am Not!

23 Thursday Jan 2014

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I think I suffer from blogging schizophrenia.  Some weeks the words flow.  Some weeks I’m empty.  Some weeks I’m good just to be good.  I feel like a couple of kids when one calls the other a name, “Am not” says one.  “Are too” says the other.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.

My emotions and thoughts are similar.  One day I have a plan to write; a book, letters to my kids, a leadership training program.  The next day, I just want to grab a beverage and watch ESPN and get lost in sports or find a movie and mentally drift away.

Why all this back and forth, fullness and emptiness?  Why is my faith big enough to leap tall buildings one day and small enough to cower in the shadow of a grain of sand the next?

Maybe I am schizophrenic.  Or, maybe I’m just overloaded.

Last weekend I was so frustrated because I didn’t clear my to-do list.  After thinking back over the list, I’m guessing it would have taken most motivated people 5 days to do everything and I wasn’t all that motivated.  Still, I kick myself for not getting it all done because, guess what, it leaves things to do in the future.  I don’t want anything to do in the future.  I don’t want to do laundry.  Or pick up around the house.  Or rake leaves.  I just want freedom.  Freedom to roam.  Freedom to play.  Freedom to be wherever I want to be.

It’s not hard to see the problem.  One, don’t buy a house with 125 trees if I don’t want to rake.  Don’t buy a house big enough for a family of 6 if I don’t want to clean it up.  Don’t buy a dog if I don’t want to worry whether it has enough food and water or will freeze while I’m traveling.  Don’t open multiple bank accounts if I don’t want to run all over town.  Don’t buy lots of clothes if I don’t want to clean them regularly.  Yada, yada, yada.

Every now and then I stop, I take a deep breath, I let it out.  Sometimes I repeat the process.  When I do, I get a moment of peace.  My mind stops racing.  The hamsters quit spinning the wheel.  Time slows down.  I just am.  For a moment, I rest.

I’m sure I need to downsize and decide whether to commit to writing or not writing but, whether I do or I don’t, it only affects me.  No one out there will quit functioning if I choose to quit doing something, to cut back on something, to eliminate something.  Do I hear myself writing this!?

Grace and peace.

Some Days I Feel Like Singing

17 Friday Jan 2014

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I love good singing.  Growing up in the churches of Christ, I have been fortunate to hear good singing.  At Abilene Christian University, they have a tradition at several events where the entire audience sings “The Lord Bless You and Keep You” and, with 4,000+ voices, it can be overwhelmingly powerful.

The good Lord chose not to bless me with a singing voice.  I think he knew that if I had a good voice, I’d wind up in a band like Motley Crue or certainly living the life of a rock star and all the bad that comes with that.  So, being in the churches of Christ, I was able to boast that I made a joyful noise just like the Bible calls for.  Woohoo!

Now don’t get me wrong.  Just because of grew up in a church of Christ background doesn’t mean I’m against instruments.  If you get in my truck, you’ll know I like my subwoofers turned up high.  I have worshipped many times where a band was used and found them to be incredibly talented.  I’m not against instruments but I am for voices.  I love the Sing Off, a voice-only show on TV.  I love The Voice where one person is initially judged solely by the sound of their voice.

All that to say, some days I just feel like singing.  I sing in the bathroom.  I sing in the shower.  I sing getting dressed.  I sing in the truck.  I sing in the office.  Yes, that one does draw some consternation.  And, when I’m singing, I find myself singing praise songs.  Today, 10,000 Reasons is on my heart.  I was fortunate to be able to worship with Matt Chandler last May.  It was a very uplifting experience and this has become one of my favorite songs.  I hope you will enjoy…and sing along with me.

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman

Grace and peace.

When Bad is Good

15 Wednesday Jan 2014

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Relationships are hard work.  I’m in a role at work where I am trying to help two owners work through some deep and serious disagreements.  I don’t know if they will be willing to back up and talk to each other again and it’s all because of disagreements that communication months ago could have fixed.  I’ve been in a marriage where it was hard work and the marriage failed.  Sometimes bad things just go bad.

I’ve recently been exposed to a situation where one party didn’t underderstand another.  Misunderstandings can sometimes be created by expectations placed on another person without communication.  And, that’s exactly what happened in the situation.  One party expected something from the other.  The second party wanted something different.    The next day the first party was still down in the dumps.  Not angry or mad, just dejected.

That’s when the call came.  The second party called and asked if something was wrong.  The first party tried to blow it off.  He knew part of his issue was his own expectations of what he wanted.  They second party then started probing and before long figured out there was an expectation that wasn’t met.  Here’s what the second party said next, “I’m so sorry, I was focused on what I wanted and didn’t try to see it from your point view nor did I ask.  Please forgive me.”  Well, what can the first party say except yes unless they want to be a real horses behind.

Here’s the cool part.  As the first party is relaying this to me, he makes this comment.  “Knowing the other party actually cared enough to call me and find out and then apologize made me realize two things.  First, I had put my expectation on them without communicating it.  Second, I was thinking of what I wanted more than what they wanted.  Now I feel closer to them than before.”

A bad situation and the resulting open communication made the relationship better.  Good can come out of bad after all.  Good can come out of anything.  Look at lives around you, lives that have been broken, dreams crushed, families torn apart, heartache and hurt, financial struggle…the bad situations are plenty.  Yet, when we look close we can often find something good coming out of the bad.  As a believer, I have seen how God works.  His son, hanging on a cross was horrific but the world was given forgiveness through that bad experience.

Good can come out of bad.  The question is whether we will lay our pride and our desires down to accept what is good or will we hang on to the bad with bitterness and anger.  It’s our choice.  My friend is celebrating a deeper and more meaningful relationship because there was communication and because both parties chose to lay down their armor, give up their protection and seek peace through their vulnerability.

Grace and peace.

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

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Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out.  It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them.  What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick.  I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better.  Then it happened.  The quick race to the bathroom.  The pain inside.  Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief.  The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this.  Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out.  Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight.  I went wide open and it came flowing out.  I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage.  I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story.  I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time.  Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known.  My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was.  Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone?  I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden.  I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own.  It’s out there.  It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating.  Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy.  Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in.  I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night.  And I feel good.

Grace and peace.

When Whining Doesn’t Work

07 Tuesday Jan 2014

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I’ve been reading and listening to Dr. Brene Brown a lot recently.  She has some incredible research on shame, vulnerability and fear and I’m soaking it all in.  One of her comments is that her “gift” is to research and understand these areas because it puts joy, happiness and love in context for her.  I feel that statement describes me perfectly.  I seem to enjoy looking at suffering and the pain of life events, not to dwell in the darkness but to appreciate the context of light.

So, I sit here, in a foreign place away from friends and family and love and wonder why?  Why me?  Why here?  Why now?

And then, I read a blog where the author writes about peace in uncertainty and how we can thrive in uncertain times.  HEY LADY, can’t I just whine for a while?

A close friend sends me an email with Joshua 1:8 in a note and it leads me to my Bible where I’ve highlighted Joshua 1:9.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.

Today is one of those days I’m led to see light in context, to see goodness in the midst of hurt, to feel hope when I’m down.  Tomorrow night I start a class at church I’ve been waiting for, one that I believe will rock my world and turn me upside down and inside out.  I think I’m in this time and place for different reasons, one certainly being what I believe I’ll experience over the next 7-8 Wednesday nights.

I say I whine but really I think I just feel authentic pain in my situation.  Then a day like today comes along and I see the pain in context and know I am allowed to see pain so I can empathize with others; and I’m allowed to see light so I can promise those in pain there is hope.

Grace and peace.

The Other Side of the Coin

06 Monday Jan 2014

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It’s Monday.  I’ve never disliked Mondays the way some people do but I’m seeing them from another side of the coin and Monday is more distasteful than it used to be.  Monday now means a 3 hour drive to work.  It means a week in a place where I don’t know anyone and don’t have my support group close.  It means separation from the people I love the most.  I see it from the other side of the coin now.

Spaghetti has held a very negative connotation for me for several years.  It’s a meal that isn’t great for a diabetic and it reminds me of a relationship gone very wrong for reasons I won’t address.  Suffice it to say spaghetti has simply evoked very, very negative emotions for me in the last 15 years.  Yesterday, I was invited to lunch for spaghetti.  The person who invited me knows my “spaghetti issues” but the invitation was innocent.  I accepted thinking about all the years of hurt.  After the day was done, I was seeing another side of the coin.  So many things went right around lunch and the time before and after that it has started to allow me to think about spaghetti and have some good thoughts.  I’m sure it hasn’t erased all the pain but I see it from the other side of the coin now.

Life is filled with good and bad.  I wish I could filter out the bad and just let the good in but it doesn’t work that way.  I have to accept both and while the bad can be painful, I’m so thankful there is good to ease the pain if not overcome it.  In any situation, there is the other side of the coin.  I hope I get to see the other side in all my bad experiences.

Grace and peace.