The Journey – Part 6

29 Thursday Aug 2013

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Scars.  Most of us have them and they often have stories that go with them.  I have lots of friends who have scars on knees/shoulders/elbows who tell stories of sports injuries.  I have a friend with scars on his knees, fingers, hands and torso who has a story of electrocution and near death.  I have a scar from surgery, another from an encounter with the corner of a picnic table, one from a deep knife cut and a few others.  They are visible and they come with stories.

Then there are the invisible scars.  These are the scars that alter our lives unlike any visible scar.  They pierce us in our heart, in our souls, in the deepest recesses of our being.  There is certainly physical manifestations of these scars.  You see them in tears, in dead eyes, through the bottle of alcohol and in many other places.  These scars hurt so severely that nothing of this world can stem the intense pain.

Josh Ross writes in Scarred Faith about a man who survived the Rwandan genocide of the 90’s.  The man said, “I’m a pastor.  Now I give my entire life to immigrants in Nashville, helping them to transition linguistically, educationally, professionally, and relationally.  I look out for them, the same way others looked out for me.  Once you’ve suffered…once you’ve been swallowed up in pain, you can’t help but want to see the pain and suffering of others alleviated.  And when you see the pain and suffering of others lifted – you feel alive in a way that is more real than weed, speed, cocaine, alcohol, gambling, and even sex.”  That is God’s dream for us in this world.  It always has been.

The scars of losing a family were going to start a journey that would last longer than I could imagine and drive me closer to God than I knew possible.

Grace and peace.

I Interrupt The Journey…

28 Wednesday Aug 2013

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Today I ask for prayers.  I’m not sure what for other than for God to give me revelation, to show more clearly where I’m to go and what I’m to do.  I have a big interview this evening with a company I’d be very interested in joining.  I’m confident I can make it happen but after 10 months wandering through the desert, I know I want to be where God wants me.  I can’t help but have some hope this is it.  Best I can tell, it’s good people with a good product.

In the end, I want to walk out His will.  I have endured so much pain in the past several years trying to do it my way and learning more about his way that I want to be out of pain and in his will.

I appreciate your prayers.

Grace and peace.

The Journey – Part 5

27 Tuesday Aug 2013

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Up until I started praying for God to reveal himself to me, I was comfortable.  Life wasn’t perfect but I was managing it, dealing with the challenges, overlooking the things that really hurt and making the most of what was left.  Maybe comfortably miserable is a better term.

People saw a guy who had it all together.  They saw a lot of the real me – the sincere, caring compassionate me (as I knew compassion at that time) but they couldn’t see the turmoil inside.  I’ve heard the description of how people are ducks – calm and cool and top of the water and paddling like hell underneath.  Well, that wasn’t an accurate description.  I was calm and cool most of the time on the outside but there was a war going on within me.  Gunfire.  Bombs.  Death.  Destruction.  I blamed it on other people.  I blamed it on choices I had made that led me to the place I was in this world.

I never blamed Satan or stopped to acknowledge how far away I was from God.  I mean, I played the good “Christian” but I wasn’t a Christ-follower.  I wasn’t a disciple.  I didn’t look like Jesus because I didn’t want to get close to Jesus.

Then the wheels came off.  A marriage going downhill fast.  A divorce.  Separation from my children.  Anger.  Sadness.  Irritation.  Rage.  Depression.

The first couple of layers of stuff keeping me from real relationship with God was about to start the painful process of being stripped away.  I never imagined the pain to come.  I never imagined the scars that would be left behind.

Grace and peace.

The Journey – Part 4

26 Monday Aug 2013

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I grew up thinking we were supposed to pray TO God.  I ended up doing all the talking for the vast majority of my life.  Looking back on it, I think it silly that I am the one always talking to God, the creator life and redeemer of mankind.

I was doing the talking when I asked God to reveal himself to me.  I wanted to see God, not in the literal sense, but to begin to understand God’s ways, to hear his voice, to grasp for what I purpose I existed.  I never thought a prayer like that could cause pain because I was a pretty good person.

I attended church 3 times a week.  I knew the doctrine and could tell people why I was a member of that church based on what others said.  I grew up in a faith that leaned on “pattern worship” or doing things the way they were done in the first century.  Well, we did some of the stuff that fit our cause at the least.  I looked the part and said the right things and volunteered to help so I never stopped to think that God would want to start stripping away all the stuff I was holding up as idols in my life.  I never thought what it would feel like and look like and how it would make me feel.

I didn’t expect asking God to reveal himself to me could ever lead to nights of no sleep and full of tears.  I didn’t expect to find myself screaming at God at the top of my lungs using words that I wasn’t supposed to use to talk to my worst enemy.

I never expected the scars I would incur and begin to carry in the days and years to come.

Grace and peace.

I Interrupt The Journey

23 Friday Aug 2013

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I want to recommend the book Why I Don’t Want To Go To Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobsen.  It’s a book about developing relationship with Jesus.  I have a friend who wanted me to read it for 2 years and I didn’t.  I finally went through it last week and it hit me with just what I needed to hear at just the right time.  It’s good stuff.  Jacobsen also wrote a book titiled He Loves Me that I read a few years ago.  I recommend it to all my friends who express trouble in understanding God’s love, mercy and grace for His children.  It hasn’t fixed me in that area where I am weak but it sure has helped the process.

Have a great weekend.

Grace and peace.

The Journey – Part 3

22 Thursday Aug 2013

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In 2006 I took my first trip to Brazil and saw things I never expected.  People who were poor, people who had nothing, people who couldn’t imagine the world we live in with cellphones, iPods, laptops and everything we want at our fingertips.  They had nothing but pure joy.  Joy in God.  Joy in each other.  Joy in knowing what lay ahead of them because of hope in Jesus.  They have joy in relationship.  It was an incredible experience and it began to change my heart and my life…and my desire to know God.  I came home a very different person from the person who had first boarded the plane.

I learned early in life to maintain relationships.  There was the picture everyone needed to see and there was the stuff I needed to “work on” (another time for “hide”).  In my faith tradition, understanding the rules and doctrine was more important than honest relationships.  James 5:16 meant we went down front to confess.  Few people did because they knew a bunch of people would be talking about them at Luby’s while eating lunch…but that’s what we were supposed to do.  We didn’t let people in, we just talked about what life was supposed to look like and we made sure to point out the people who weren’t doing it right.  Easier to focus on someone else, right?

I came home and begin to pray that God would reveal Himself to me and open my eyes to what He wanted me to see.  I asked to see things through the eyes of God, asked to hear things through the ears of God and asked to speak His words.  I asked Him to prepare me to reach others and be effective in building the kingdom.  I asked Him to begin to restore relationships and build new ones.

I never expected the pain that would come from my prayers.

Grace and peace.

The Journey – Part 2

20 Tuesday Aug 2013

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A few weeks ago I experienced one of the lowest of lows.  It was a time where my mind was my enemy as I listened to the voices that worked to push me down.  I never like using the word depression because I don’t want to be “one of those people” but, suffice it to say, I was down in the dumps.  Fortunately, I have some incredible friends and I got with a few of them who all spoke some revelation to me.   Those conversations led me to begin some newer, deeper conversations with God.

I’m going to begin chronicling some of those thoughts and some of my story here.  I started a blog years ago to do just this, wrestle with my thoughts and my fears and remember some trips to the mountain top and days of inner joy and excitement as I get closer to God.  I will leave some gaps and not include some things that will hurt the innocent and guilty but I promised some people a few years ago I would only confess my own sins and that is what I intend on doing when it comes to those issues.

As is the case with all my blog posts, this is about me and for me.  It is healing.  If, by chance, it speaks to others who may read it, praise God.  I want to be His instrument for peace in all that I say and all that I do.

Grace and peace.

The Error of Perfection

14 Wednesday Aug 2013

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I grew up thinking I was failing if I wasn’t perfect.  I would not try things if I didn’t think I could do it correctly, the first time I tried it.  I put myself down when I failed.  I felt shame.  I learned self-deprecation as a defense mechanism.  I worried far too much about being perfect.  Throw in my religious upbringing with “you are not good enough” and perfectionism drove me to some dark places.  I’m sure I have said some things to my kids I wish I could take back about being perfect.  I just want them to be them.

Brene Brown has some good things to think about on perfectionism.  I’ll share and shut up.

http://catalystconference.com/read/want-to-be-happy-stop-trying-to-be-perfect/

Grace and peace.

Birthday Girl

09 Friday Aug 2013

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Today is my daughter’s 19th birthday.  What a treasure she is in my life.  The day she was born she grabbed my little finger and, in my mind, she has never let go.  She may not be perfect but I wouldn’t know it.  She gets more beautiful, inside and out, every time I see her.  She is intelligent, a deep thinker and imagines how things should be.

I have been blessed by her gentle heart.  She seems a child who looks for ways to make me happy and just the thought of that makes me happy.  I know she must struggle with things in her life and I wish I could make all those things go away, or have all the right answers for her.  I can’t and I don’t but I know she has the ability to work through them and move forward.

She is good with her money.  She is creative.  She is a dreamer.  She is grounded.

I pray her relationship with God is primary in her life and she is learning to rely on Him for everything.  I remember a disagreement we had one time where her pointed response was, “well, I don’t have a great example, do I?”  I was the example she was referring to of course.  At first, I was mad but held my tongue.  I’m glad I did because I finally responded to her that if I was her example, her sights were set too low.  Jesus needed to be her example.  I hope that is a lesson that sticks with her in the days ahead.  I know she will have tough ones.  Yet, I still see her as an angel and believe she will be able to fly through those times shining brightly.

I love her.  She has me wrapped in her little fingers.  She is a priceless gift from heaven above.

Grace and peace.