Another Christmas has come and gone.  I’m glad in a way.

Christmas used to be a day filled with anticipation.  What would be under the tree?  What time would I wake up and find all that Santa had brought me?  Then it was a time of seeing the wonder in my children’s eyes.  The excitement they had for what the man in the big red suit was bringing their way.  Now, that is gone and I wonder what Christmas will mean to me in days to come because I don’t enjoy what it means now.

I’ve woken up to the 4th Christmas in a row filled with silence and void of children.  Divorce can do that.  Anyone who knows me knows how much my kids mean to me, knows what I have sacrificed to be as close to them as possible and they have an inkling of what Christmas morning is like for me.  I’m blessed with friends and family who make sure I don’t spend the day alone and I appreciate them but it’s not spending the day alone that is painful.  It’s the separation from my children even while I’m with family and friends.

I remember the last Christmas morning I spent with my kids.  I knew that would probably be the last one but I’m not sure they did.  Or if they understood.  They still wake up in the same house with only my absence being different so I’m not sure it affects them too much.  I honestly hope it doesn’t.  The last thing I want is the heartache between their mother and I to put a damper on Christmas for them.

I look forward to Christmas being over and now it is.  Now we move away from separation, move away from who gave who how much, move away from feeling like I have let them down and back to real life with all it’s hustle and bustle and it’s ups and downs.

The day turned at to be a good day once I got past the morning “blues”.  Time with close friends and meeting a new friend made the day meaningful and one I can still look back on with good thoughts.  That tells me that I am adjusting, that each Christmas that passes will be easier than the last one.  Progress may be slow but it’s still progress and for that I am thankful.

Now, 364 shopping days left to get ready for the next one!

Grace and peace.