It’s All Over

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

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2014 that is. Today is the last day of the year. It’s a day where some are reflecting, some are looking forward and some are just wondering how they will get home tonight. For me, it’s a little of the first two but I’ll be home tonight so that last question isn’t an issue.

There were lots of changes in 2014 for me. Some weren’t so great. Some were AWESOME! Yes, worthy of capital letters.

As I reflect on 2014, I can easily think about some long days and nights of darkness and remember the pain. Not just remember, I can still feel it in my gut. I remember feeling hopeless at times. I remember being angry with God. I remember thinking I did not want to go on. I remember nights with little sleep and a lot of tears.

As I reflect on 2014, I realize how far I moved emotionally. From pain to joy. From despair to thanksgiving. Friends helped me through the dark days and my faith carried me too. Faith that God had something in store for me. Faith that life would get better. Psalms 27:13-14 stuff. I got a job that brought me hope. I came home and proposed to an incredible woman. I got married and went to Colorado and she went flyfishing with me. How crazy is that?

2014 was a year that taught me two things. One, life is hard. Every single day has obstacles and some of them will crush you if allowed to. Two, thankfulness is a choice requiring action. There are good things happening in life, some small and some big. The big ones are easy to figure out so it’s the small ones I have to seek out daily and choose to focus on what is good.

I don’t like the road I had to travel in 2014 but I am thankful for the lessons and thankful for where the road led me. That is enough. I remember the darkness and I will let that memory live so I might be able to be a light of hope for others going through darkness. At the same time, I am thankful for what the light has brought into my life and I have immense hope for what the future holds.

Grace and peace.

Live Hard, Pray Harder

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life, Prayer

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darkness, faith, hope, Merton, prayer

I’ve always heard the phrase “Work Hard, Play Hard” and probably lived it out part of my life. I may have played more than worked a lot of times too but I digress. Life is hard sometimes. Oh, I see people I know who look like they have the world by the tail, plenty of money and nice families and great vacations all over the world and it doesn’t look like they struggle with a thing. I have also known homeless people very well and I’m not so sure they didn’t have the more peaceful life but it was not an easy life. For almost everyone of us, in some way or another, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, life can be hard. What is hard for us may be a blip for someone else but it doesn’t make it any less hard for us. I’m a firm believer that our misery is the worst we know and we can’t simply look at someone else who may have a difficulty we don’t want to make it all better. (Some thoughts on that.) So, what gets me through? Prayer. Now, there is no doubt I have lots of thoughts on prayer and have had some intense battles with it. I didn’t say I know everything about prayer, just that I have lots of thoughts and battles. I have gone through times with lots of worded prayers and I have gone through times when I simply asked God to look at my heart because I had no words. I’ve also gone through periods of complete silence knowing believing that if God knows me better than I know myself, he knows what is going on within me. Today, I’m in a between point where I do the first two; say some prayers at times, mediate and listen at others. One of the greatest gifts God has put in my life is a woman who reads the Bible in the morning and then shares her prayer for the day with me. I never knew how powerful it was to have someone share their daily prayer with me. It makes me think. It encourages me to pray. It reminds me others are facing the day with hopes and dreams and battles ahead of them and approaching it with a prayer on their heart for that day. In my darkest moments, her prayers have softened me. In my better moments, her prayers have encouraged me. I know it’s a gift because I see what it does to my mind and my heart. I am thankful for her faithfulness to God and to prayer because it inspires me to live more faithfully too. I won’t share her prayers here because I have not asked for permission. Instead, I’ll share a prayer by Thomas Merton. I appreciate the simplicity of it and his desire to serve God even when he doesn’t know how. I want to have a heart that is 100% for God even when I am blind to what I need to be doing or where I should be going. Those are the times I want to lean on God the most. Again, I digress. Without further ado… MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

• Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

Grace and peace.

There Are Battles

13 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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darkness, hope, light, pain

When you stop to think about it, I’m not a very cheerful writer. I talk about my difficulties, my obstacles, the things that knock me to my knees. Those things are often front of mind because I know so many other people who struggle and are afraid to admit it. Or don’t know they can admit it. Or don’t think they have an acceptable outlet to admit it. I’m always on the lookout for those people to let them know, YES, there are battles. AND, yes, we can overcome them. Or at least get through them.

Last week, I had the privilege to speak to men at a church in a fairly small Texas town. A country town. An agricultural town. A man’s man town.

I talked about Job. I talked about struggles. I talked about some dark days I have been through. I assured them that we can look at Job’s life and know that one day things will be better. The wounds may not completely heal. The scars may not go away. One day things will be better. In this life or another but God will lead us through if we are faithful. That doesn’t mean perfect. In my darkest hours, I yell at God, furiously, with anger and say things I shouldn’t say. My darkness hurts. Bad. Yet, I get through it because I eventually remember that I am not in control of this messed up world and I simply need to look for a sliver of light in the moment.

Two men approached me after the lesson with the same message. “I don’t think I would have killed myself but I have faced a challenge that was so dark, I can now understand how someone could go there.”

Wow. These were two men’s men, show no weakness, pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of men. At that moment, I was there outlet to say something they have never said to anyone else. Their outlet to let it go. Their outlet to be affirmed that darkness sometimes overwhelms us.

I’m sure some people get tired of listening to my darkness stories but some people need to know that there is someone out there who understands, who empathizes and has compassion for others who face darkness. I like to think of myself as an instrument of peace, a place where they can share hurt and find peace on the other side. I like to think that is how God uses me.

Next week will be some of my points from the lesson on Job. Nothing new. Nothing profound. Just simple thoughts from a simple brain that hopefully will help me always remember that there is light coming to take over darkness.

I am blessed. I have two incredible kids. I have the love of a remarkable woman. I have some incredible friends who I can share anything with who will pick me up and help hold me upright until I’m ready to walk on my own again. There is light in my darkness. Always has been. Always will be.

Grace and peace.

Where You Been?

28 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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darkness, friends, hope, light

I took a blogging holiday. Sort of. The truth is, I went through a few dark weeks. I listened to the demons. I saw the negative in everything. It was dark.

It happens to me every so often. I should say, I let it happen every so often. My best friend in college called it my “dark mood” and said he made sure to stay away for a couple of weeks. I was angry at God. I was angry at the postman. I was angry at the parking lot attendant. I was angry with where I’m living. I was angry at the guy in the fast food line. Seriously, how many questions are there to ask at Taco Bell?

Then it happened. “It” was a word from a friend. “It” was a reminder that he loved me and saw the best in me no matter what I was going through. “It” was another friend at church who said he loved me and he had hope that we would celebrate the trip out of the valley and darkness. “It” was a wonderful woman who couldn’t fully understand why I acted the way I did but loved me anyway and stood by me.

I have been blessed with a host of friends. I don’t know why they like me and stick by me but they do. The closest of the close stick by me when the dark moods come and when my outlook is all about poor, pitiful me. They don’t see the ugliness I exhibit on the outside, they only choose to see what they know is on the inside which is a better me, a positive me, a loving me. They choose who they see and they treat me like the person I want to be instead of the person I’m acting out to be.

Where I’ve been was dark and ugly and I am so thankful that I have the people in my life who grab hold of me, prop me up and slowly walk me forward into the light and the hope of a new day.

Grace and peace.