Tag Archives: faith

So Many Questions

16 Tuesday May 2023

Posted by in Letting God Out of the Box

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As I walked through the valley of divorce and separation from my children on a daily basis, my mind. and my heart got dark. Separation from them was the hardest part of the journey from divorce to healing to life again. Losing my family nearly sent me over a steep cliff and learning to live with that separation was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

That time in my life started a series of two things. First was a way of talking to God that most would call blasphemous. Second was a series of questions most would call blasphemous. You can see where my heart and mind were. Yet through it all, with the help of friends,

So, strap in and hold on for the first one. My kids would come over every other weekend. Well, one kid did and the other was hit or miss because they were a bit mad at me I believe and certainly mad at the situation. They would leave on Sunday evening to be back to their mother’s house by the legally appointed time. About 15 minutes after they left, I would find myself on my knees, wailing and alternatively cussing at God like a drunken sailor (yes, cussing, using all the 4 letter words and making up several as I went along) and asking Him to take my life. This went on for a few months.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell one of my guys (I’ll have to tell you about my 7 and my 14 and my 21 some time) who was trained in a preaching school and a part time missionary. I thought who better to confess to and be told I was on the fast track to hell (when I believed there was such a place…more to come). Instead, my dear friend and brother said, “good!” What do you mean good, I asked. “Who are you talking to? God. Do you think he is so small he cannot handle your heartache?”

That was a relationship changing point in time for me. I had spent so much of my life thinking God was so small that my mistakes/failings/sins, whatever you want to call them, was damaging to Him. I thought He was petty and hated me for the things I had done and was doing. My brother allowed me to see a God bigger than I could/can imagine who hurts for me and is humored by my small mindedness.

That led to questions that have continued to grow and build and challenge what I have been taught all my life. It started with questions about heaven and hell and would God really separate His creation. It led to questioning how the Bible has been used for all these years, taking small snippets out of a large story to prove a point and create a rule book instead of a book full of wisdom for living our best life. It led to questions about why the Holy Spirit, the third leg of the Trinity, is seldom discussed. Why in the world would we indignantly ignore the other part of God given to us to counsel us, to speak to us while using a book of ancient writings as the sacred rules for today’s living? Bizarre. It led to questions of why I have never, ever, heard a sermon on the importance of the second great command…to love ourselves. Remember? What is the greatest command? To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second one is like it, to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Where has that teaching been? What, what? Loving ourselves comes right along with loving God in order of importance? Who knew (because they ain’t sharing that one from the pulpit)? And, what about grace. Is it freely given to all or limited to those who have cracked the code and properly interpreted the rule book (yes, that book that is written in multiple translations because no one can agree and has spawned so many churches interpreting things slightly different from one another.) Is grace really grace or is it parceled out to some and not others? Or what about the tree in the garden? Was it put there to give us choice (am I saying that God is pro-choice?) or was it put there to trip us up and cause the downfall of man so God could beat the crap out of us? Is he all knowing and had a plan to get us out of our messes or just a sadistic son of gun ready to drop the hammer? And, if God is the same yesterday and today, from before time to infinity, why did He change the rules from the Ten Commandments to Christ’s expansion of them in the Sermon on the Mount?

Yes, I have questions and…this is crazy…believe the Holy Spirit is providing answers and the answers aren’t what mainline churches want to hear or discuss. I know because I’ve had the conversations with several pastors and only two of them still want to have lunch with me regularly. The questions are dangerous because they expand God’s love, His freedom, His allowance of choice while covering me in grace and allow me to see a bigger God, one who is not concerned with the pettiness of rules but offering me wisdom on how to live a good, happy, simple fulfilling life. I have come to see “sin” as a hurt I create for myself. What we label as sin are things I do that make my life harder than it should be, more miserable than it should be with consequences that are painful for me and for those around me at times. Choosing to follow the wisdom of God makes life a lot easier, less painful and more carefree.

Oh yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions.

Another Day Older

30 Wednesday Dec 2015

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Another day older.  Another year gone.  Another Christmas past us.  Lots of things happened in the past year, good things and bad things.

It seems so often when I have looked back I have settled on seeing the things that didn’t happen or the things that happened that set me back or mistakes I had made.  I wanted to blog more in 2015.  I wanted to launch a new web site focused on leadership.  I wanted to teach more about conflict resolution.  Shoot, I wanted to become a millionaire/billionaire and do great, charitable things with the money.  I wanted to exercise better and lose weight.  I wanted to make changes that didn’t get changed.  It’s easy to see all of that for so many people…I guess.

Fortunately there is the other side of the coin.  There are all those things I still want to accomplish in 2016, my new year to improve and still, there are some wonderful things that have happened this past year.  First and foremost, I got to spend a year with a woman I love and who adds so much richness and happiness to my life.  She helps me experience joy unlike anything I’ve known most of my life.  I got to travel with her.  Atlanta (don’t eat the tuna salad in Atlanta), Baltimore, San Francisco, Denver and Durango and other places.  I got a job that has my creative juices flowing (creative for someone with an accounting degree, anyway) and I look forward to coming to work every day.  I’ve got friends that I stay in contact with that remind me I have purpose.  I have continued to dream dreams.  Dreams of writing.  Dreams of doing things that will give me a sense of accomplishment.  Dreams of building a better family.  Dreams of experiencing more joy.  Dreams of being the man God wants me to be.

That’s what I really want for 2016…to be the man God wants me to be.  I realize that is a dangerous statement because my vision of that could be very different from His.  I always see myself on the mountain top and He may see me in the valley.  Heaven knows I’ve spent some time there already.  Regardless, in the end, I have learned the greatest peace I know is when I let go of my desires and seek His.  Doing that little thing…that is harder than expected…has brought great things to my life, my state of mind, my peace and my joy.

If someone else happens to read this, I hope 2016 will be your best year yet.  I encourage you to seek God, seek His will and live in His peace.

Grace and peace.

#PrayforParis

17 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Faith, Life, Prayer, Uncategorized

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I’m at a crossroads.  My heart of faith tells me I need to be open to all people regardless of their religion, culture or where they come from.  My heart as an American, husband and father tells me to protect those I love, to seal borders and to carry a gun.  Wow!  Talk about some inner turmoil in my head…you may not want to be me right now.

I know this.  No one I know or have heard speak/tweet/sing has all the answers.  I have immense trust in God and believes He works in all situations for the good of those who love Him.  I have also learned He takes His time in revealing His ways.

While I wrestle with what to think about the Syrians and ISIS, I also wrestle with something a little less glamorized currently in our media, homes and churches.  While we pray for those in Paris and commit to stand in solidarity with them, why don’t we also hashtag #prayforSyria, #prayforTerrorists, #prayforMuslims, #prayforTheHomeless, #prayforTheUnemployed, #prayforSinners, #prayforPutin, #prayforObama/Clinton/Sanders/Trump/Carson/Rubio/Bush/et.al.

My point is this.  There are a number of things we need to address in this world of ours and in this country.  There are so many people who are hurting emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually that are overlooked daily while we rally around heartache and heartbreak in Paris, France.  I would take nothing away from the outpouring of compassion we have given the people affected by the senseless tragedy, only hope we become more aware of the senseless tragedies around us daily that need our prayers, our support, our finances and our hearts.

I’ll add one more hashtag I’m very affected by…#prayformetoo.

Grace and peace.

I Was (Emotionally) Bleeding to Death

14 Thursday May 2015

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My wounds, whether real or imagined, are plentiful and run deep.  I am a sensitive man.  It’s just that simple.  I am sensitive and I am very cognizant of my wounds.  I feel them and the pain from them are easily felt.  Fortunately, I have the ability to keep going through the pain but it does not mean the wounds are not there.

I have felt at times that I was bleeding to death.  Wound after wound.  Wound upon wound.  Emotionally, I have felt I was bleeding to death, accepted it and have been ready for the consequences.  I have not taken care of my health the way I should.  I have not taken care of my thoughts the way I should.  I have not looked forward to the future the way I should.

Then, along comes this woman.  I had seen her around.  I had looked into her eyes and knew there was something special about her but I was not in a position to find out why.  I knew she was different.  I knew she was special.

Now I know she is special.  She is now my wife and I continually see new things in her that remind me how special she is in so many ways.  One of the things that makes her special is that she is tending to and healing my wounds.  Where I once thought I might bleed to death, she is touching and healing.  Last night I had a bad night.  Lots of things went wrong and one of them brought up and opened some old wounds.  As I told my VSW (very special woman/very special wife) what was happening, all she wanted to do was take the trouble away from me.  Where once I was emotionally beaten I was now being emotionally cared for and cared about.  Just as quickly as the wound opened, she was there to take care of it, to apply comfort and to close the wound.  Then, she went beyond closing it and treated it so that it would start to heal and one day soon, only be a scar at most.

Wounds hurt.  They are not pretty and they can be dangerous.  This woman, through her heart and words, is healing my wounds.  Scars may remain and that is OK with me because scars are memories that can help me.  The important thing is that I once thought I might bleed to death and now I think I might be healed.  Where I had once given up caring about things I should care about, I now care again because she is here she loves me enough to help heal the wounds.

I am married to a gift from God.  I am married to a special woman with a special heart.  I am stronger today than I was yesterday and much stronger today than I was 2 years ago.  I am stronger and I see a brighter future ahead because of my gift.  I know joy now.  I know hope now.  I know the goodness of God now.

Grace and peace.

Plum Full Fallacy

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Christian Living, Life, Uncategorized

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I have found myself engaged in lots of “church” talk with people lately.  I am blessed with friends with a wide range of views on lots of topics and “church” is one of them.  I know people who think it’s a complete waste of time, who think it is unnecessary, who view it as a good place to meet people and some who think you better be there every time the doors are open and it’s a good idea to be at least 15 minutes early then.

Several years ago I attended a church that had a “Plum Full Sunday” with the idea of asking people to come to church to fill the seats.  It was a big push and lots of effort was put in to getting butts in pews for one Sunday of the year.  That’s where the fallacy began.

As I think more about church and what it means and should mean, I realize we need to be inviting people to know God.  We need to invite people to meet our Creator and Redeemer, the one who loves perfectly and exemplifies the love we should have for each other.  If we can come to know God and live the life he desires for us then invite people to know the God we know…well, I’m convinced we would not know war or racism or hatred and even our misunderstandings would be resolved quickly.

Our congregational settings are a place where a bunch of people with a bunch of ideas often gather to worship (unless they want a piano and there isn’t one or vice-versa, unless women are involved or vice-versa, unless things are done a certain way or not).  Our congregational meetings, or church as some call it, are flawed because they are run and led by flawed people.

God is not flawed so why would we invite someone to a flawed gathering when we can invite them to a perfect God?

Stay Put

29 Monday Dec 2014

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Be still and know that I am God. – Psalm 46:10

Stillness is not a trait of our society.  AM/FM radio, HD radio, SiriusXM radio, Pandora, iTunes radio, Spotify, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn…and whatever else you may be looking for, well, there’s an app for that.  But this post isn’t about busyness or the things that divert our attention away from peace.  It’s a little broader than that (at least in my mind).

I think one of the hardest things some people do is stay where we are.  The grass is greener elsewhere, right?  I am a “spiritual person” and I spend time thinking about how and where God wants to use me.  (I put spiritual person in quotes because I’m not exactly sure what it means-for me it simply means I seek knowledge and direction from a higher power who works through me.)  Those thoughts have often led me to seeing things I could do in other places, both near and far.  I have certainly had people encouraging me to get out of the house/community I am in.  Move away.  Start over.  Find a new direction.

For some people that is the right direction.  I believe, for me, that has not been the right advice.  I believe I have been led to stay right where I am; to work in the mess that is all around me.  I believe I am led to stay right in the middle of a life where people have spoke falsehoods about me, where people have questioned my motives and my choices and where I have lost so much, been attacked and wounded.  I believe I have been given an inner strength to withstand the blows I still feel at times, to withstand the rumors and looks I get or believe I get at times.

I have a desire to be a peacemaker and peacemakers are not needed where there is no conflict.  As convoluted as it seems, I believe I am right where I am supposed to be to use the gifts I have to help people find peace in the midst of storms.  If I can do it in my own life, I am a living example that it can happen.

Fortunately, I am blessed by people around me who are examples of sticking.  I have two couples who are very dear friends who have stuck when it appeared it would have been easier to split.  I have found a wife who has led me to experience joy and thankfulness in the very place where I once felt hurt and sadness.  Staying where I am has brought about many good things in my life even when it seemed it would be easier to go somewhere else.

It may be one of the toughest decisions I have made is to stay where I am.  I think it may be my calling to stay and to show people how peace can be found, even created, by making the choice to seek peace and to be strong in the face of conflict.

Staying has not been easy at times while also bringing someone into my life that convinces me staying was exactly the right thing and exactly where I was led.  Staying may not always be the right decision and my life isn’t the pattern for everyone else.  I know others are led to go and I applaud the courage that takes.  I also want to applaud those who stay because that takes a lot of courage too.

Grace and peace.

Yeah, I voted too.

06 Thursday Nov 2014

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I voted on Tuesday.  Like many of my friends and thousands of people I don’t know, I took the time to cast my vote as part of the “democratic process” and let my voice be heard.  I heard 2/3 of the populace did not vote.  I am not surprised.

I voted but I cannot say it makes me proud because in this election, like so many others, I feel I am voting for the candidate who is not as bad as another.  The mud slinging, name-calling, attack ads and arrogance do not lead me to believe “in” a candidate and to believe even less of what they say.  Then there is the cash.  Lots and lots of cash.  From lobbyists.  From corporations.  From political machines.  Why does it take millions and millions of dollars to run a campaign?  And, how in the world does a candidate spend that much getting elected and then say the money to feed and house the homeless is not available?  Say what?

Men and women have sacrificed to give us the right to vote.  They have bled, lost friends, lost limbs, lost lives.  They have given of everything they have for everything we have and I bet not a single one of them did it hoping partisan politics and cash would rule the day.  What a sorry job so many candidates do of honoring what was given for their right to seek office.  It is disgusting at many levels.

In another life I was very political.  I stayed up with a meat and cheese tray watching election results and I knew all the candidates.  Then real life hit me and realized that what we have now is barely a semblance of what people have and continue to sacrifice their life and limb and mental health for in our country.

Billions of dollars have been spent in my lifetime to get people elected.  How many families live on dollars a day, on the streets, who cannot get treatment for mental and physical illness and so many other needs so someone can get “elected” to office to be a “public servant” and help the people who need the most help?

For the record, I voted for Republicans, Democrats and Libertarians in this election.  I do not belong to a party.  I belong to God and I live in the United States of America.  (United.  Now there’s a word our politicians need to think about.)  I am conservative in some areas, liberal in others and moderate on most.  Not that any of that matters.  What matters is, and what should matter the most in our elections, is who truly has a heart for serving others.  When I find a ballot full of that type of candidate, I will truly be proud to vote.

Grace and peace.

Disease

03 Monday Nov 2014

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Over the weekend I heard the story of a young lady who opted to take her own life instead of battling a terminal illness.  I cannot imagine the thoughts that she may have wrestled with in making the decision and the days leading up to her death.  I know disease drives us to different places, whether it is something as simple as a cold or as scary what that young lady had to face.

One disease that I have battled is fear.  It is a disease that can take hold of my life and create a range of feelings and emotions.  Fear can be a lingering, nagging illness and fear can be debilitating.  I have no doubt there are people who have taken their own lives because of fear and I know people who have quit living because of fear.  It is certainly had a stranglehold on me at times.

I battled the disease on Saturday.  I thought I was getting over it and moving forward with a new outlook and, out of the blue, BOOM!  Fear was back evoking thoughts and feelings that shot through my brain.  It affected my breathing.  It affected my emotions.  It had my brain spinning and my stomach churning.

I suppose there is medicine out there that will help people battle fear but I possess something that is powerful and effective against the disease.  Choice.  I can choose whether to live in the fear or to move past it.  I can choose to believe in something better than fear.  I can choose to write a different story.  I can choose to know that what I often fear never comes to fruition and, if it does, there is little I can do to change it.  All fear does is stop me from living through it.

Choice is a powerful thing.  It cannot stop every disease but it can stop fear.  While I let part of my Saturday be overcome by fear, I eventually chose to move on, to trust in something better, to not listen to the little fear demon and believe that what I hope for is what is real.  I swallowed the choice pill and I’m feeling much, much better about life today.

Grace and peace.

Nanu Nanu

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

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Robin Williams.  Dead way too early.

Williams was one of those people I’ve grown up with in a way.  His comedy and acting has been a part of my life for many years.  To hear of his death, presumably by suicide is certainly saddening.  Stories are out that he was suffering from depression.

I hate to say I sort of understand but I feel like I do.  Oh, I realize my scope of understanding is limited to my tiny world and not any research or scientific study I have done.  I do not want to admit that I have suffered from depression or any other clinically labeled issues but I probably have.  I have suffered through emotional and mental ups and downs and the toll, at times, has clouded how I have seen the gift of life and relationships.  I wonder if Williams knew how many people he touched and, if he did, why it didn’t make enough difference in his mind to stop him.  It’s a point where my questions give way to a lack of complete understanding.

In my world, I fall back on faith.  As I think about it, I find it a bit curious that I turn to something I probably don’t understand any better than I do depression and other clinical/medical issues.  I suppose I believe I understand it better.  At the very least, it is something I rather grab onto in the midst of a crisis because I certainly believe in God, certainly believe in an after-life that offers a beautiful new life and certainly believe that because of God, I have something more to offer here before I go.  I wish Williams had something in his life that would have allowed him to hang on, to persevere and to move past whatever it was that caused him to choose the path he did.

Many in my faith tradition will disparage those who commit suicide while I choose to believe God embraces them in his arms and is still weeping when he meets them knowing the pain they were going through on this earth.  I do not advocate suicide and would never applaud it while at the same time believing I understand, even a miniscule amount, of what might cause someone to choose it over life.  Maybe because of that, I feel bad there wasn’t more someone could do, wasn’t more Williams would have believed in to allow him to go through hell and keep going.

Godspeed Robin Williams.  You will be missed.

Grace and peace.

Now Would Be Great, Thank You

08 Friday Aug 2014

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“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

When I want answers, I want them now.  I do not want to wait.  I do not want to be calm.  NOW!!!

One of my counselors once asked me the attributes of God.  I went straight to grace and love and such and his one word response was “slow”.  It stopped my whole thought process.  Slow?  Really?

I have been on a journey with lots of questions and none of the answers have come fast.  Oh, I was ready for fast answers, or so I thought, but being ready and getting them isn’t the same thing.  I’ve been on a job hunt for 2 years and there have been several times I knew “it was the one” only to see it slip away for one reason or another.

My challenge is learning to relax and be patient.  Now, I can certainly preach that message to others and have more than once.  It’s easy when I’m not the one emotionally invested.  However, when it’s me, when it’s my bank account, when it’s my family issues, there is no time to wait because I need to know NOW.

Through my years of counseling, I have come to accept that the majority of answers to my problems will come from my own mind, it just takes time.  Sometimes having those people who are neutral parties to talk it out with help and sometimes sitting under a large oak tree and clearing my mind is what I need.  And time.  It takes time sometimes.

I am thankful for answers that are coming to me right now.  A new job.  A new life with an incredible woman.  Returning to where my strongest relationships live.  Answers have been coming and the timing is remarkable.  The fact that I wanted answers two years ago is drowned about by the realization that maybe the best answers are the answers I am getting today.  Two years ago this job didn’t exist.  Two years ago I didn’t know my VSW.  Two years ago I didn’t appreciate a lot of little things I appreciate now.

Breathe.  Close my eyes.  Breathe.  Smile.  Trust.  Breathe.

Grace and peace.