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Walking

05 Tuesday Aug 2014

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“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because you are with me.” – Psalms 23

I have gone through periods of lots of walking.  When I first accepted that a divorce was imminent in my life, I got on a treadmill every night and walked for an hour several nights a week.  When I realized a job I had accepted was going nowhere and I was cut off from everything and everyone I loved for days at a time, I got on a treadmill and walked for close to an hour during the week.

Looking back, I started walking just to have something to do and an outlet for my hurt and rage.  It has also come to symbolize the emotional and spiritual journey of the hard days of my life.  I feel, at times, like I am walking through a desert.  Dry and thirsty.  Just me and the coarse sand scraping against me, step by step, irritating my skin.  Irritating my mind and my soul.

The good thing about walking is that it leads somewhere.  It has led me in circles and it has led me to paths leaving the desert.  It has led me to people who challenge me and it has led me to people who love me and want the best for me.  It has led me through the valley of the shadow of death, as I know it at this stage of my life, and I believe it is leading me to bright, shining moments.

My friends who know me well know there are times I felt I was on the edge of a cliff and starting to fall off.  I am sure I was blowing the situation out of proportion at times but when the pain is constant and you just want it to stop, sometimes proportion is in the eyes of the one in pain.  Regardless, there were times I was ready to jump but one thing held me back.

Faith.

I do not have a perfect faith but I do have faith.  There have been many times I thought my faith would run out and woke up the next morning to find it still there but thin.  Other times it has been full and running over.  Part of faith for me is walking in it.  I may not know where I am going but I keep going, in faith, trusting that God’s ways are better than my ways and leaning on Him instead of leaning on my own understanding.

There have been times my life has been like walking on a treadmill.  I walk for an hour but still find myself in the same place I started.  Then there are the other times, the times that bring so much hope and excitement.  All the walking through the desert, through the coarse and painful sand and it seems I am walking into a valley full of hope and joy and excitement for what is now and what is coming.  I feel like I have walked in faith and now I get to look back on the lessons of the journey while enjoying the fruit of reaching a place of peace and rest.

Grace and peace.

I’m Singing

01 Friday Aug 2014

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Wow!  I do not have the words to do my heart and emotions justice today.  I have been on a long journey through a desert and I feel like I am seeing and experiencing an end to this part of my journey.  In the last week, I believe God has spoken answers to years of prayer, years of pleading, years of crying out in tears, years of screaming at Him and years of feeling lost and forgotten.  In all of that, I always looked back to God, my Lord, the Sovereign for hope and for answers.  I have heard so many “no’s” and “not now’s” and there have been times of desperation and times of emptiness and times of bitterness.  There have also been times of great joy and faith and hope and there have been moments where the desert gave way to green grass and cool water.

Today, I feel like I am in paradise.  It started last weekend.  A Friday evening dinner with my VSW.  Saturday lunch with two of my dearest and most treasured friends.  Sunday with some answers that blew me away with excitement.  Monday started a series of phone calls about a new job and culminated yesterday with an offer that brings me home to my VSW, my community of friends, my house and I’ll even include my dog in there.  For 8 months I have lived somewhere else and my VSW has stood by me, encouraged me, lifted me up, carried hope and prayed with me.  We have been tested and we have come through it strong.  I cannot begin to say how thankful I am for her.

Today, Chris Tomlin’s song is on my heart and coming from my lips.  I can’t help it.  I know lots of people who do not believe God is active in their lives or has concern for what happens here.  I have shared those thoughts and wonder myself at times but this day I am choosing to believe he is active in my life and he is putting things together for me that will change my life for the better.  I can’t explain why a woman moves to my community from another state to live but I chose to reach out to her one day and now she is the love of my life.  I can’t explain how a boot company would consider a person for a sales job of great magnitude for their company who has never been in sales before but I chose to take advantage of a door that was open and sell them on me.  Yes, I have taken action in my life to get where I am today but I also choose to believe God has something to do with moving the pieces around and putting opportunities in our path.

All that to say, I don’t have all the answers and never will but I know I have a wonderful woman in my life and now have a job that will bring us closer and allow us to go forward.  That has me singing.

Grace and peace.

Numbers and Confirmation

28 Monday Jul 2014

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I have a degree in accounting and accounting bores me to tears.  I got the degree because it is the one my parents said they would help pay for and I’m good enough with numbers to know that was hard to pass up.  Even though I don’t prefer accounting work, the numbers are now a part of me and something I understand pretty well.  As I have gone through times of consulting with business owners, I always tell them the numbers are great for planning and reporting but it is the execution that matters most.  Numbers are important in confirming what has happened and answering questions we want to know about something.  Numbers are objective and to some degree take emotion and desire out of responses.  While numbers are as good as the information used to process them, they do tell a story.

This weekend, I got results from an assessment I took along with responses from my VSW.  I have had a feeling about this woman for quite sometime but my accounting training and reliance on objective numbers had led me to be very curious about how we matched up.  Oh my!  We met with someone to discuss the results with us yesterday.  I was confident going in and ecstatic coming out of that time.  I won’t share details but suffice it to say that today is a very good day in my heart and in my head.  There were other confirmations of the same thing that was in my heart over the weekend and it all built to a point of me knowing that my head and heart were in concert and beautiful music was being played.

I am the first to say that I do not know how God works.  I do not know when the acts or does not act even though there are times I think I know it.  I do not know how he chooses to act towards good things and bad things in peoples lives.  All of this is open for much debate and all I can honestly say is that I have so much to learn about God.  That said, today I believe this with all my being.  He has opened his hand in front of me and presented a gift in my life that is radiant and beautiful.  Today, I choose to believe he has acted with favor in my life and given me a gift in the form of a woman, a VSW (very special woman for any new readers), that will bless me and challenge me and love me and share hope with me for all the days ahead.

As I have said in the past, my blog is written by me and to me about things I am dealing with and experiencing today.  For those of you who are reading my notes to myself you know I write often about struggle and pain.  While struggle and pain are a part of life, I do not want to miss the goodness and glory of life and today I am celebrating the extreme joy I get to experience too.  Where I recently wrote about the feeling of being the boxer knocked down over and over, today I have the feeling of a child joyfully running through water, splashing and playing and having the time of my life.  The vision changes from a swimming pool to a beach and back and forth but the idea remains constant.  Simply joy.  It is filled with the laughter that comes from the joy of play, from the joy of happiness, from the joy of feeling like this feeling is all there ever was, is and will be.  Today is one of those days I do not want to forget.  I want it on a loop that plays over and over and I trust it will be there in my mind.

YHWH, while I do not begin to assume I know your ways, today I believe I am experiencing the goodness you have lavished on me.  I believe I see what the future can be, not in a specific kind of way but in an emotional and spiritual way.  Thank you is not enough but it they are the only words I have.  I will try to live the rest of my days respecting and honoring the gift you have laid in my path and in doing so, honor you.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

Quit Hitting Me In The Head

22 Tuesday Jul 2014

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I feel like I am in a boxing movie where one opponent keeps getting knocked to the ground by the other opponent after being hit in the head.  The referee is counting and it looks like the downed opponent is out until he struggles to his feet, is given a second to get reoriented and then starts throwing and taking punches again.  Sometimes, the same guy gets knocked down over and over always managing to get back on his feet.  In the case of Rocky Balboa (I forget which of the Rocky movies it was in), he gets up and wins the fight.  I hope that is how my battle will play out but right now I feel like I’m still in the knock down/get up routine.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

I havent’ read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning but I want to.  Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” resonates today.  Most people who encounter me today will not know the turmoil that is raging on the inside.  A few select people who know me well get the raw, unvarnished truth but most see me going about my business and never realize the pain on the inside.

Recently, I have been intentional to think about people and things I am thankful for.  The challenge is that many of those people/things are not close to me and while I am thankful for them, I am also cut off from them.  It’s a tough balance.  Maybe no balance at all.  The truth, for me, is that I cannot pretend to be happy within my own mind.  I can’t tell myself to be happy and make it so when my days and nights are often accompanied with loneliness and separation.  The kicker is that I am OK with that.  I am willing to accept my current state as a bad one.  Knowing it is bad allows my inner strength to go to work.  My inner strength at work allows me to keep pushing through when I would rather quit.

I don’t know how Frankl made it through his struggles.  I would not want them and mine seem far simpler comparatively.  Still, these struggles are hard for me but I am pushing through believing there are things on the other side of this worth working towards.  I forget who said, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how” but it has truth in it.  I have the why so I keep going, keep hoping, keep striving.  I hope I can look back on this one day and remember when…

Grace and peace.

Easier Said Than Done

07 Monday Jul 2014

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Last week I was relaying the story of the Israelites in Exodus 14 to a friend.  I think he is in a place where he has been still waiting on God and now it is time for him to move.  It appears God is ready to part the Red Sea for him but he is still sitting still instead of moving to action so he can cross on dry land.  Granted, I may not know the whole story because he may not have shared every detail but it has put that story back on my mind because of my situation.

Today, I am an Israelite grumbling to Moses about God.  I am frustrated that God has brought me out into the desert and I feel like I am about to be crushed by financial and emotional issues.  I am frustrated because I could have stayed where I was, captive but comfortable.  God took the Israelites out of slavery and led them on a journey.  He gets them next to the Red Sea and the Egyptians are coming for them.  The Israelites cry out that they were better off enslaved than killed in the desert.  I am feeling the same thing.  I am also wrong, just like they were at that time.

What happened next was amazing.  Moses told them to trust in God for deliverance and God ends up parting the Red Sea for them to cross to safety.  After they cross between two huge walls of water and are safe, God allows the Egyptians into that space and drowns them giving the Israelites safety and space.

My patience is thin.  Too thin.  I believe God will do great things for me but I find myself grumbling in the desert right now.  I want the sea parted on my terms and in my timing.

Oh Lord, please speak the words over me you had Moses speak over the Israelites.  YHWH, wrap me in your arms so I feel your presence and know you are fighting for me.  Lord, give me peace that is unexplainable and show me your greatness and power and love and grace.  Oh Lord, I am weak and I ask for these things today in my weakness but I will still trust in you and know your timing is right and good.

Grace and peace.

Parenting

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

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Parenting is on my mind today.  The joys of parenting.  The struggles of parenting.  The victories and the failure of parenting.

I was talking with a good friend last night who was struggling with their role and effectiveness as a parent.  It conjured up so many thoughts I have had as a parent.  I wish I knew then what I know now and even now I feel like a ineffective, incompetent parent at times.  I look at my kids and know I did a pretty good job.  That’s hard to say because I look at so many things I wish I had done differently and wonder how they survived me but I think most parents, like me, can see the failings of our actions/inactions better than we can the victories.

I wish I hadn’t been as hard on my kids as I was at times.  I wish I hadn’t lost my temper like I did too many times.  I wish I would have turned them to scripture more for positive teaching instead of focusing on what they did wrong.  I wish I had been a better example with fewer (well, actually with zero) failings and missteps.  I wish I would have enjoyed the good times more, done more things with them, made more time for them and created better memories.  I say all that and my kids have never told me I didn’t do enough of the good or too much of the bad.

As I think about me as a parent, I also think about God and my journey with him.  As a parent I tried to never make my kids do something or punish them without explanation.  God doesn’t work that way so much.  I’m in a situation now where I’m not sure if he’s trying to teach me something, punishing me for something or a combination of both.  Whatever it is he’s doing, he is doing it without explanation.  I don’t know why I’m going through this season or what I am supposed to learn from it.  Those are no-no’s in the parenting world on this earth.  I think God calls it faith.

I have faith but also keep asking God to reveal to me the reasons and the plan to move out of this season and into a new one.  I’m ready for a fresh start.  Of course, I have some thoughts on how the fresh start should look and I’m not sure if God agrees but I hope he will consider my hopes and dreams knowing I want to walk in his will.

Parenting isn’t easy.  While God is God, he is still dealing with some imperfect children…and imperfect parents.  Please God, give us more revelation as a parent and as a child.  Love us through the hard times and the good times.  Guide us and protect us.  Give us the best of what you have for us Lord.

Grace and peace.

Through Her Eyes

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

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I was talking recently with a very special woman (“VSW”) the other day.  I was telling her my hurt and the pain I am feeling for time that has been lost with my son.  It is a very real, very physical pain but it is also a very real emotional pain.  I have an incredible relationship with him and my time with him has meant so much to me.  We talk.  We laugh.  We share food and stories and dreams.  We had a routine every Thursday night for almost 4 years where we ate dinner at the same restaurant and spent time together.  The routine of those Thursday nights became a part of what charged me up and edified me.  A teenage boy who wanted to spend time with his dad.  It was powerful.

Now it is all gone.  I have missed those Thursday nights for 7 months now.  I have missed so much of his last year in high school and in the town he has grown up in.  Those things are very hard for me.  This season of life has elicited tears and I am not afraid to say it has elicited bitter tears towards God.  He has the power to change everything and he has not done that in this season of my life.  The bitterness of the tears and some of my words to God during this season can be a little scary for a believer but I have held onto my faith and trust that God understands my pain and gives me grace while I wrestle with what I have lost.

Back to the conversation with the VSW.  She talked about what she sees through her eyes.  My dedication to coming back for his baseball games during the middle of the week.  My dedication to spending time with him on the weekends he is still with me.  She talked about lessons he is learning about doing what you have to do to support your kids/family even when it is very hard emotionally and physically.  And spiritually.  She talked about what he will learn and he will know as he grows as a man.  Through her eyes, she sees a different story, a better story, a story of good.  I admit, it is hard for me to see that story or appreciate it right now but as I think on her words, I do hope there has been something good coming from what has been very difficult for me.

She shared with me through her eyes and I still struggle with the truth of her words because of the pain.  The bitter tears.  Then, in my Bible reading, I came across Isaiah 38.  King Hezekiah is dying and God tells him that he will die.  Then scripture says this, “Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, “Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.”  He wept bitterly.  Did you catch that?  I sure did.  God told Hezekiah he would die and Hezekiah wept bitterly.  Wow!  There is someone I can identify with. 

So what did God do?  It may be important to note that in the preceding chapter, there is a story about God sending an angel to kill 185,000 bad guys.  God has the power to do some big things, good or bad.  So, what did God do about Hezekiah?  God granted him 15 extra years of life!  He heard Hezekiah’s request, he saw Hezekiah weep bitter tears and because of Hezekiah’s heart for God, granted him 15 more years.

Oh Lord, forgive my bitter tears.  Help me see my life more through her eyes than my own.  Oh Lord, let me see my life through your eyes too.  Speak to me Lord.  Make you voice clear and my mind and heart open to hear.

Hezekiah, after being granted life, wrote this: Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.  For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.  The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your faithfulness. (Isaiah 38:17-19)

I do not want to go down into the pit.  I want to live, to sing praises to God for deliverance, to gain his favor and the favor of men.  I want to see life through her eyes and through God’s eyes.  Surely this season has been for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  Now, I pray will all the fervor I can muster, that new life is right in front of me.

Grace and peace.

Glimpses

11 Wednesday Jun 2014

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“The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I have a good friend who has suggested I read Tolle’s work.  Maybe I will soon.  What I know about Tolle is that he, like many others, is big on the present moment.  Being present in the good and bad of the moment.  Being present in the pain and opportunity of the moment.  Being present is something that I have not done a good job of the last few months and certainly have struggled with in the last few weeks and days.  I am struggling to find the good in my present situation because what I want is out of my reach.  I am struggling to lay down what I want for what I have at the moment.

I read the Tolle quote this morning and then read a post from another friend.  Alice is the mother of Tato.  Tato had a skiing accident and suffered potential paralysis.  I read today that he just passed his driving test and is able to use his feet for the gas and brake and will not have to rely on hand controls.  He drove from Austin to East Texas.  This is a kid who many thought would never walk again.

Alice’s post was about Tato wanting to watch old home movies and it reminded Alice of all the plans she made and the family made for what they thought their future would look like.  Grow up in a good home, go to college, get a good job, raise a family.  The regular stuff for many people.  Then, BAM!  A freak accident.  A complete change to live as they knew it.  An ever increasing trust and faith.  Today, she posted this verse from Proverbs 16:9:

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.

I had plans for my life and they looked nothing like what my life is today.  I planned my course and along the way I have had several BAMS!  My faith has grown.  My hope has grown.  I do not know what the future looks like and I am hesitant to lay out plans.  I cry out to the Lord, to YHWH, to open my eyes and show me the steps he is establishing.  Of course, my faith is weak and my hope wavers and I want to see all the steps, all of them until I am dead, but that isn’t they way God works.

One day at a time.  All I have is the present moment.

Oh Lord, Jehovah-Jireh, all I have is today.  You hold the keys to tomorrow.  Show me the steps I should take today.  Give me wisdom to know what you want me to do and where you want to lead me.  This is my prayer.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
• Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of The LORD (YHWH) in the land of the living. Wait for The LORD (YHWH); be strong and take heart and wait for The LORD (YHWH). – Psalms 27:13-14

Grace and peace.

While I’m Waiting…

30 Friday May 2014

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“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” — Maya Angelou

Defeats.  Plural, not singular.  I have faced my fair share and I know I am not alone.  As I struggle with my professional life and feel defeated, I can look at my personal life and see victory.  As I struggle with my financial situation and feel defeated, I look at tomorrow and I still hold out hope for better days ahead.  I appreciate what Angelou says in the quote above and look forward to a day I can look back and see what I have risen from.  I hope for that day.  I hope for favor from God.

John Waller sings a song about waiting, about hope.  I recall it every now and then because it is a reminder to me that even when I feel defeated, there is hope in the rest of today and hope in tomorrow.

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m tired.  Some of David’s psalms resonate when he asks YHWH to deliver him before his spirit is too low, before it is crushed.  Waller’s song reminds me to wait on YHWH, to take the defeats of today so I can learn from them and be reminded later down the road what I have risen from.

It isn’t easy for me to wait.  Truth be told, I’m very tired of waiting right now.  I want to experience the joy that comes from using my gifts in a place where they are needed and wanted.  I want to experience nights with my someone special where we can talk like we used to.  I want to dig out of the financial mess I’m in and live comfortably, smarter than I have in the past, more responsible.  I keep waiting for that time to come.

Wait for YHWH; be strong and take heart and wait for YHWH. – Psalms 27:14

Grace and peace.

Hope?

25 Sunday May 2014

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“Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness” (Job 30:26)

I will start by admitting that I am writing from a very painful place right now.  My heart is heavy and my emotions are fueling the pain I feel in my bones.  In these times, it is easy to see the darkness.  That said, I think there is much more darkness around me and others than any of us care to admit.  Cancer.  Molestation.  Addiction.  Murder.  War.  Evil.  There is a lot of darkness in our daily lives.  I also realize there is much more good and light than I see at times.  People are doing things everyday to help others that no one ever knows.  Prayers are raised up.  Acts of kindness and compassion.  Charity and goodwill shared.

Hope is one of those double-edged emotions.  On the one hand, hope inspires and offers a glimpse of what might be.  On the other hand, hope causes me to look at the reality of a situation and see that this present moment is not good even though I choose to believe I will prevail in the end.  Some people are eternal optimists who always believe things will work out and some, like me, walk a fine line with hope that allows for the pain of the situation that is creating the hope.  There is also the potential for a lack of hope.  It leads to a brokenness that is full of pain and may lead to a brokenhearted end.

The challenge of hope is the shaky ground it is often built on.  In my situation, it doesn’t take much for me to want to abandon hope momentarily.  My situation is very hard on me and there are certain markers I have each week that allow me to hold onto that hope.  If the ground shakes and the markers move, my first reaction is to throw up my hands, abandon hope, lay down in a ball and wait to die.  I don’t handle these moments well.  I will admit that.  I do not believe I am a fatalist but I can adopt that attitude at times because my marker changed, moved or disappeared.  Basically, the rope I was pulling on to get me to the shore and dry ground got yanked out of my hand and now I have to paddle while the current is trying to push me back into the sea.  I was so close and then, poof, I have to start over.

That is the dark side of me and my hope.  While I fight that battle, I find myself continuing to hope.  At this point in my journey I cannot explain why I continue to put faith in God.  It would be easy to justify the course of my life as random events and nothing to do with a supreme being that I cannot see or hear or touch.  For some reason, I choose to believe.  Maybe it’s because of a great question a close friend asked me one time.  “What else?  If you won’t believe in God, what will you believe in?”  Belief still gives me someone to call out to.  Belief still gives me someone to hope in.  Belief allows me to think I will prevail at some point.  Belief allows me to stand up after I have been on my knees weeping from the current emotion.  Belief fuels hope for what is much further away than I want but I will hope it’s still out there.

The Stockdale Paradox suggests that I never lose hope but I accept that my present reality is not good, not kind and not forgiving.  Admiral James Stockdale was a prisoner of war who endured torture unlike anything I want to imagine and lived through it.  He is quoted as saying it was the optimists who died in that POW camp because their hearts broke when their optimism was crushed after a year or years of captivity.  He accepted the reality and brutality of his situation while maintaining the hope he would, one day, be free.  He didn’t set a time limit on his hope, just that “one day” it would be realized.

So many would suggest I look for the good in the present moment but they are not in my shoes.  Most do not understand what I am experiencing.  Keep your chin up, be glad you have a paycheck and be thankful for what you do have are all nice sentiments, and maybe they are words to live by to some extent, but they do not make the experience less real within me.  The present moment isn’t good, kind or forgiving compared with the hope I have for what life will be like when my hope is realized.  I must accept that my hope may never be realized.  I may never have the relationships I hope for, the daily life that I hope for, the opportunities I hope for but, while acknowledging those possibilities, I continue to hope boldly for things to happen that make no sense at this moment.

It is hope that both hurts so much for what I do not have and allows me to take one more step forward trusting that God will give me favor and bless me greatly one day.  The pain today is real and it is intense.  It is consumed with a marker that was moved, an opportunity lost, a hope not realized.  Yet more hope remains.  It may not look anything like what I am dreaming it to be in my head but it remains.

Grace and peace.