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Why?

15 Thursday May 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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faith, hope, love, pain, struggles, why

Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

I have been walking through a season or seasons of life for the past 15 years that have included a lot of “why” thoughts.  I don’t understand why I have had to go down this path.  I look back and see things I have learned that have moved me ahead but I have not been able to enjoy many of the fruits of that learning in ways I can see or understand.  As a believer in YHWH, it is painful at times to wonder why I am in seasons of pain or seasons of frustration or seasons of complete lack of vision or revelation.  I believe God has given me gifts and talents and I do not feel like I have the platform to use them effectively.  I am separated from people I love and want to be close to, want to hold on to, want to enjoy being in their presence.  I don’t know why.

Last night, I was asked how I bear what I do.  I was with someone who was struggling through some tough days.  The comment was made about how I get through my tough days and it’s honestly the why that is the answer.  I get through them because I need income to take care of my children.  I get through them because I need a job to keep moving forward because forwards is where a future lies with someone I love.  They are the why.

Bearing the how isn’t easy or pretty for me.  No one sees many of the tears I cry.  No one hears the screams when I call out to God to deliver me from this pain.  No one knows all the dark thoughts that go through my head.  Bearing the how isn’t easy or pretty.

The why, the reasons I bear this season, is beautiful.  I have an incredibly intelligent and beautiful daughter who needs me to come through for her.  I have an outstanding son, a man of character with an incredible future, who needs me to come through for him.  I have a woman in my life who is showing me what love looks like and I want to learn more from her and return all that she gives me.

I’m tired.  My body isn’t holding up well to the stress.  My mind isn’t performing at it’s highest level because of the anxiety.  My spirit is weak and I need God to hold me up more than ever.  I press on because there are people in my life I want to encourage, to lift up and to push forward.  Along with the three I mentioned, I have some incredible friends who love me for some reason and want the best for me also.  And, as weak as my faith seems at times, it is still present.  I choose to believe God has something in store for me.  So I press on.

Grace and peace.

 

I’m Sorry

13 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Uncategorized

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faith, forgiveness, hope, love

I’m sorry.

Those are two powerful words.  Said flippantly, they can create wounds that continue to fester.  Said sincerely, they bring peace, relief and hope.

After one of the most difficult, painful, heart-wrenching weeks I have faced in some time, I had a conversation that included “I’m sorry for…”  I was sorry for putting my hopes and expectations on someone else without doing a good job of communicating why I hoped for what I did and how we could be on common ground.  I also received an apology addressing the issue that was sincere and it was amazing what it did for me.

In the past, when expressing my concerns, I was met with resistance, defensiveness and a reminder of my weaknesses whether real or perceived.  Saturday, I was met with listening, calm conversation, mutual discussion and a desire to understand and work towards a better answer in the future.  And, “I’m sorry for…”

To know someone cares enough to apologize for a misunderstanding is very meaningful to me.  No one did anything that was wrong.  It was all based on some past baggage.  That didn’t matter.  We both realize the baggage isn’t something we can’t just walk away from without some time and trust.  We also both realize that we have to be aware of the other person’s hurts, wounds, fears and hopes for the future.  And, we were both sorry for the way things happened and not just sorry but also agreeing to work together to make improvements in the future.

I’m not used to receiving an apology and the power of getting one was incredible.

I’m so thankful for a woman who sees more deeply into relationship than a misspoken word or hurtful action.  I’m so thankful for a woman who looks into the future at what can be through growth and all that comes with it to imagine what a relationship can become.

I’m so thankful I am learning too.  It isn’t easy to put my heart on the line and give trust where the wounds of pain still exist.  I’ve got a ways to go but I’m learning and living and hoping and trusting.

Grace and peace.

Stretchhhhhhhhhh

01 Thursday May 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith

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faith, pain, refresh, renewal, storm, stretch

You know what I’m talking about.  You roll out of bed in the morning, stand up and take that long stretch to get blood flowing through your body once more.  It feels good and refreshing.  The blood pumping through your muscles makes you feel alive again.  Sometimes, however, the stretch isn’t completely pleasant.  I’m getting old and stretching for me means that some joints and ailments scream a little bit.  I might feel a shooting pain through my shoulder or in my back near my rib cage.  For a moment it hurts but when the stretch is over and blood is flowing again, here comes that good feeling.

The good thing about stretching is that you can do it quickly.  You can spend time stretching also, if you want or need to work certain areas of the body a little more.  It can take 30 seconds or 30 minutes.  Either way, it’s not long.

Faith is a stretching exercise.  Faith pulls on some things that need to be worked on.  Faith targets some areas that need more work.  Faith, when realized, also leaves a refreshed feeling.  Just like the blood pumping through the muscles of my body after physically stretching, faith sends blood pumping through my heart for God.  Faith is good.  Faith is fulfilling.  Faith can take 30 seconds or 30 minutes.  Or years and years.

That’s where faith gets hard.  Imagine doing the same stretching exercises for 6 months without stopping.  That’s a lot of stretching.  Consider that same faith through the darkest, hardest storm you can imagine.  It’s not easy.  Maybe it’s a shooting pain for some or a long dull throbbing ache for others.  Imagine doing those stretching exercises for 5 years non-stop.  10 years.  How long do you accept the pain that might come with the exercise before giving up on stretching?  On faith?

Job.  Jonah.  Abraham.  Moses.  David.  The apostles.  People of faith.  Heroes to many of us who read the Bible and believe in the power of God.  People of faith…who questioned God; who tried to hide; who sin against God; who made excuses and asked the same questions over and over.

I look at those names and a host of others and think “I could never be a person of faith like them.”  Or could I?  You see, I question God.  I try to hide.  I sin repeatedly.  I make excuses and ask the same questions over and over and I try to negotiate and bargain.  And, just maybe, I am more like them than I allow myself to imagine sometimes.

Faith can be painful.  Like me stretching, it comes with some pain.  Sometimes that pain is intense and drops me to my knees just like a rib in my back pushing on a nerve does.  Sometimes it sends shooting pains through me just like my shoulder that was overworked from too much pitching.  Sometimes it is a constant, throbbing ache just like the arthritis in my back and the pain in my knees and hip.  It hurts and while I exercise faith, hoping for that same sensation I get at the end of a stretch, it seems to take much longer than 30 seconds or 30 minutes to realize it.  I, like so many others, am going on years of a constant stretch waiting for the good feeling, waiting to see God work, waiting to see the rewards of my faith and to rest easier with the blood pumping and the body and mind feeling refreshed, feeling good, feeling confident, aware of God’s work in my life.

I know I am already experiencing benefits of my faith.  Great kids that I cannot believe are mine.  A good woman who is an encourager, a caregiver, a balance and a friend.  Some incredible friends who love me in spite of my failings, insecurities and times of insanity.  They all prove the stretching is worthwhile but there is still some stretching to go.  I know because I still feel some of the pain.  So, I keep stretching until I know it is time to feel the reward, to feel the renewal and refreshing of a good, long stretch.

This from the storms in Arkansas…

Casting Crowns

Grace and peace.

Can They Read My Mind?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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faith, God, life, storm

Yesterday was a post about hard things.  Then I read a post on a blog I write for periodically and I wonder if someone is reading my mind.

In the Storm

In the sixth chapter of Mark, we see an amazing story. Jesus fed 5000 men with five loaves and two fish. After this miracle, He sent His disciples across the sea and went up on a mountain to pray.

A storm came and the disciples were struggling. Verse 48 says He saw them struggle, but did nothing. The disciples bailed and rowed for hours. Then Jesus went out on the sea but His intention was to pass them by. Only after they saw Him, did He rescue them.

This story is hard. Not because they were in a storm, but because Jesus knew about it and left them in it.

From the disciples’ point of view, there was nothing worse than a storm. And the proper response from God must be rescue. We are reminded of another storm when they said, “Do you not care if we perish?” From Jesus’ point of view, the storm was not all that important. What was important was the faith or lack of faith His disciples possessed. They had been in storms before. They were with Jesus when He stopped a storm. They had seen Him in the very act of creation when He fed the multitudes. They should have grown in faith and not been afraid.

Storms are for testing. They reveal where we put our confidence. If it is in our strength of rowing, we will surely be afraid.

If it is in Jesus, we will have faith.

Dear Heavenly Father, in my head I know you love me and always take care of me, but sometimes when the storms get rough, I forget. I know you love me but sometimes I forget. I know you have all power but sometimes I forget. I am tempted to believe that when I am in trouble, you either do not care or do not have the power to help. For this, I am sorry. Help me to remember there is at least one other alternative. That is you do love me and have the power to rescue me but know it is better for me to stay in the storm at least for now. Help me Father, to love you, praise you and trust you while I am in the storm. Help me to become what you want me to be. Help me to learn what you want me to learn. Help me to row, bail, pray and learn. In the name of Jesus, who rescues us from the storms and protects us in the storms. Amen.

Paul Shero

San Angelo, Texas

http://gsccwordfortoday.blogspot.com/2014/04/in-storm.html

Grace and peace.

Hard Things

28 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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death, faith, hope, life, pain

The weekend has left me drained.  Hard conversations.  Death.  A lack of understanding of what or if God is working in my life.  It was a weekend of hard things and it is a day of reflecting on hard things.

Someone I knew fairly well and though very highly of was killed in a car wreck this weekend.  Sadly, the wreck involved another family and they were killed also.  It’s a tragedy.  There is no other word I know to describe it.  Why does a mother have to die?  Why does and good woman, a servant, have to die so young?  Why did another family have to die?  God, we cry out for revelation.

Why does God sit idly by while the storms of life beat us down?  Why does God sit idly by when I want to crawl in a hole and hide?

Life is hard right now.  It’s nothing like the script I would write for myself or for so many others I know.  I know evil exists in this world and I believe in the unseen spiritual battles.  I believe in God’s power.  I just can’t understand nor have the revelation to understand why He lets me get battered around and beaten down.  I can live with the idea that there is a reason and I can live with the idea that my faith trumps my need to know what the reason is.  But, when I reach that place where my spirit is almost defeated and my faith is weak, why then?

A sweet, sweet person in my life keeps telling me I’m strong.  I appreciate the perspective because all I can feel is my grip slipping and the imminent danger of falling off the ledge.  Oh God, I cry out for revelation.

I cry out to be filled with hope again.

I cry out to be restored and be given favor.

I cry out to be returned to the people I love and who love me.

I know God has the power.  I believe He can make it happen.  So, I continue to cry out to Him.

Life is a hard thing.  So I cry out to the one who created life and beg for his mercy and grace and blessings.

I cry out.

Grace and peace.

Sunny Side Up

14 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith

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faith, hope, sunny side up

I had a couple of good conversations last Friday on my 3 hour drive from my workplace to home.  It was good to talk to old friends, to share what is going good and the bumps in the road.  As I shared some of my current struggles, I told one of them, “I’m ready to be the bearer of good news.”  I’m in a situation that is challenging to say the least and I’m away from the people I love the most.  I told my buddy, “I’m ready to call you and tell you how my job is going great, how I enjoy the people I work with, how I am being challenged and rewarded while using my gifts.  I’m ready to tell you how good life is being close to the woman I love and being near my son in a place I bought that has brought me lots of peaceful moments in the past.  I’m ready to call and fill you up with all my good news.”  I’m ready for my life to be sunny side up!

I am reading the same two pieces of scripture every day, hoping and praying God hears my pleas like he heard David’s.  I read Psalms 143, a lament of David’s.  I feel the words not because our circumstances are the same but David’s thoughts certainly encapsulate my feelings towards my current struggle.  Then I read Psalms 91:14-16.  David’s words give me hope that a sunny side up life is coming soon.

“Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Just like Merton, even though I may not be walking in God’s will because I cannot see it, it is where I want to be right now.  And, just like David, I acknowledge God and his greatness and know he can change my circumstances in a heartbeat.  I pray that he does.  I pray that God gives me an abundant life that is sunny side up and that he chooses to do so now.

Grace and peace.

Live Hard, Pray Harder

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life, Prayer

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darkness, faith, hope, Merton, prayer

I’ve always heard the phrase “Work Hard, Play Hard” and probably lived it out part of my life.  I may have played more than worked a lot of times too but I digress.  Life is hard sometimes.  Oh, I see people I know who look like they have the world by the tail, plenty of money and nice families and great vacations all over the world and it doesn’t look like they struggle with a thing.  I have also known homeless people very well and I’m not so sure they didn’t have the more peaceful life but it was not an easy life.  For almost everyone of us, in some way or another, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, life can be hard.  What is hard for us may be a blip for someone else but it doesn’t make it any less hard for us.  I’m a firm believer that our misery is the worst we know and we can’t simply look at someone else who may have a difficulty we don’t want to make it all better.  (Some thoughts on that.)  So, what gets me through? Prayer.  Now, there is no doubt I have lots of thoughts on prayer and have had some intense battles with it.  I didn’t say I know everything about prayer, just that I have lots of thoughts and battles.  I have gone through times with lots of worded prayers and I have gone through times when I simply asked God to look at my heart because I had no words.  I’ve also gone through periods of complete silence knowing believing that if God knows me better than I know myself, he knows what is going on within me.  Today, I’m in a between point where I do the first two; say some prayers at times, mediate and listen at others. One of the greatest gifts God has put in my life is a woman who reads the Bible in the morning and then shares her prayer for the day with me.  I never knew how powerful it was to have someone share their daily prayer with me.  It makes me think.  It encourages me to pray.  It reminds me others are facing the day with hopes and dreams and battles ahead of them and approaching it with a prayer on their heart for that day.  In my darkest moments, her prayers have softened me.  In my better moments, her prayers have encouraged me.  I know it’s a gift because I see what it does to my mind and my heart.  I am thankful for her faithfulness to God and to prayer because it inspires me to live more faithfully too. I won’t share her prayers here because I have not asked for permission.  Instead, I’ll share a prayer by Thomas Merton.  I appreciate the simplicity of it and his desire to serve God even when he doesn’t know how.  I want to have a heart that is 100% for God even when I am blind to what I need to be doing or where I should be going.  Those are the times I want to lean on God the most.  Again, I digress.  Without further ado… MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

• Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

Grace and peace.

Heart Transplant

03 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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faith, hope, life, misery, pain, struggle

Several years ago I did a sermon based on a friend who had a heart transplant.  The idea of the lesson was that is what God does for us when we decide to be a disciple of Jesus.  He gives us a new spiritual heart.  The desires, the hopes, the goals that pumped out of my heart changed when I decided to follow Jesus.  My new spiritual heart gave me new life.  Eternal life.

Last night I got to hear another story of a woman who had undergone a heart transplant.  The story of her suffering and her fear was real and left many people with tears streaming down their face.  The story of the life that was lost to give her a new heart was heartbreaking.  The story of the victory and the incredible recovery that doctors cannot explain is uplifting.  There were several comments she made that resonated with me.

Our misery is the worst misery we know.  She struggled at times.  She questioned God at times.  She didn’t understand why she was going through all of those things.  She could also look at others and think she was grateful she didn’t know their misery but it didn’t make her misery less painful.  Oh, how I experience that every day.

Our story is meant to be shared.  Others going through difficult times need to know they are not alone even when our walks may be somewhat different.  We don’t share so we can tell them what to do though.  We share so they know we are there when they need to grab onto something to keep from falling into oblivion.  I know that feeling from both sides.

We are victors.  Psalms 23 says, “when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”  David didn’t say when we are made to live forever in the valley or that we would be stuck in the valley.  We walk through it.  I feel like I have been walking through the valley for years but I keep walking.  Along the way I am reminded that I have great kids, that I have met a wonderful woman and that I have friends who help carry me at times.  I’m still walking through it and “through it” is something I need to remember.  Winston Churchill is credited with say, “when you are going through hell, keep going.”  He stole that from Psalms 23 I think.

I am reminded that we are not promised easy days.  Man, how I want some easy days.  I dread coming to work many days but I need the paycheck and I want to make a difference.  There’s so much opposition to me making that difference and it comes from the attitudes of the leadership.  That’s hard to face but I keep walking through it.  Maybe, one day, the valley will lead me out of here in a different direction.  Maybe, one day, I’ll find myself on the mountaintop and out of this pit.  So, I keep walking through it.

Heart transplants, like all good things from above, don’t come without pain, without surgery, without course corrections, without misery and yet it leads to life.  I can’t wait to have an abundant life.  A life with less turmoil, less stress, less worries.  Some of that will come from inside of me and much of it will come from God.  I pray he is speedy.  Until then, I keep walking through it.

Grace and peace.

The Weight/Wait

31 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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burden, easy, faith, joy, wait, weight

I’m supposed to be at Opening Day at Globe Life Park today cheering on the Texas Rangers, soaking in the sun and enjoying the pageantry of the first day of baseball season.  Instead, I’m 3 hours south in a boring little town on a dreary, cloudy day.  That just ain’t right!

Following God isn’t easy.  We are promised so much but sometimes the weight of our situation and the wait for God’s actions are hard.  I’ve got financial struggles that are heavy on me.  I’ve got emotional struggles that are heavy on me.  I want to throw off the load and let God help but so far nothing has changed.  I want to unload the weight off my shoulders (and mind) because it is wearing me down.  It’s too heavy to keep carrying.  I know God can handle it.  I know God can do unbelievable things.  Yet, I wait for him to remove the weight.  I wait.  And wait.

It seems like I’ve been waiting for months, even years.  And I keep waiting.  I read the stories of God doing great things for his people and sometimes they had to wait years and years and years.  I don’t know if I can make it 40 years waiting on God but those who did saw his faithfulness.  It isn’t easy.  The weight is heavy.  The wait is hard.

I am blessed with good people in my life.  They encourage me to wait on God.  I am thankful to have strong Bible teachers and preachers in my life who can deliver a message I need to hear.  They encourage me to wait on God.

The weight is heavy.  Today is one of those days where I am feeling the strain.  I so deeply want God to come lift it off today, to show me his provision and make it evident and to allow me to quit waiting and let me walk into a land of milk and honey.  I need that today.  I have already begged for it today.

So I wait.  I wait for God.  Some call me crazy.  Others don’t understand.  I may be crazy and I don’t know that I understand it myself.

Yet, in faith I wait.  I will continue to beg God to act quickly, to take me to a place where I can see and live in his bountiful goodness and where I can glorify Him for taking the weight off of me.  Until then, I will still have faith, I will wait and I will choose to believe that He is acting and will act in accordance to His plan I cannot comprehend or understand today.  I trust Him to be true to me.

In faith I will wait.  It is not with joy I wait but with a trust that He will see me through.  In faith I will wait.

Grace and peace.

Then There’s That…

05 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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faith, hope, logic

It’s National Signing Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers were miming at the Super Bowl but there’s two other stories I’m focused on over exploiting young men for money (schools make lots off the sweat of these kids) and pre-recorded music (I just happen to listen to pre-recorded music everyday since my truck isn’t big enough to load up the band for a live performance).

First, CVS is going to drop the sale of cigarettes.  Let me rephrase that.  CVS is going to drop $1,500,000,000 in annual sales.  Yes, that’s billions of dollars.  It’s important to know the next thing I’m going to say is a little hypocritical but here goes.  Guess where I’m going to start buying my medicines and shopping more?  Yes, CVS!  Sure, I’ll still shop at Wal-Mart that sells cigarettes and Little Debbie snack cakes that taste so good but don’t really help a Type 2 Diabetic in the long term but I’ll take more of my dollars to CVS than I have in the past.  Good on them for standing up for what they believe is right.

Second story, Ken Ham and Bill Nye debating creationism.  I didn’t hear the debate and didn’t know about it until this morning.  I read a TIME article and then started reading the comments.  Lots of non-believers weighing in on the fallacy of the Bible and pointing out many of the things we believers wish we didn’t have to think about (slavery, God taking lives, why and OT and NT if it’s all perfect) at times.  So, why do I have faith and someone else doesn’t.  Why, in all my struggles, through divorce and financial turmoil, do I still pray to God even when I’m angry with Him and another guy doesn’t believe at all who is in the same boat.  Or, someone who is doing much better off than me?  The Bible isn’t a perfect book for people who want to believe in something they can understand.  It’s only a perfect book for those of us who choose to believe in something we cannot comprehend.  My faith is constantly tested and I cannot explain why I continue to walk in faith to someone who wants a logical answer.  It’s just not logical.  To curse God and walk away seems much more logical to me.  Yet, I choose faith.

Oh Lord, I want Jesus to come and come soon.  I don’t seek death, I simply seek Heaven and life where there is no more pain, no more night, where existence is utter joy and complete peace.

Grace and peace.

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