Tag Archives: faith

Gimme A Break!

22 Friday Feb 2013

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I’m job hunting.  I’m consulting.  I’m praying.  A lot.  I would like to have a good paying job that allows me to accomplish several personal hopes and dreams.  Somewhere in all of this I need to catch a break.  I have interviewed for a couple of positions and thought they went well but nothing came from it.  I have had business owners tell me they want me to consider working for them but we all seem to still be considering it.  I have had owners tell me they want to use me for some long term consulting only to put it off or be more sporadic than originally thought.  Gimme a break!

Maybe I’m waiting on God to give me a break.  I don’t know about all that but I do know this; when the break comes I will be ready to prove myself beyond what is expected of me.  I needed a sabbath.  I needed to collect myself and get my feet under me.  Life hasn’t been all that kind to me and there have been parts of getting beat up that I haven’t responded to well.  I needed some time off, time to think, time to walk, time to talk to God.  And I thank God that He has given me this time.  Now I’m ready.  I just need a break (also known as answered prayers).

I always love an inspirational story and many know this one.  This lady is one of my favorites because of her ability to change the look on someone’s face.  She got her break and she grabbed it with both hands.  Certainly an inspiration to me.

Grace and peace.

Blogging Blues

21 Thursday Feb 2013

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I’ve had the blogging blues.  I think about stuff to write but I don’t want to write it.  I suppose it follows the changes in life…good days, not so good days, downright bad days.  Or, maybe I write when there is a lot on my mind and can’t write when there is too much on my mind.  So here are some random thoughts.  (I always enjoy reading these weeks and months later to see where my head was because I know what it all means and a lot of other readers don’t.  Yes, I’m stingy that what.)

Had lunch with a good friend yesterday and we fired up the talk about being “happy.”  My friend knows I am not a fan of people wanting to be happy when I think there are better and deeper things to strive for.  Heck, I want to be happy and I generally am happy but it doesn’t take much thinking about wanting a job and not getting it or how to pay for something when money is tight or how someone treated me to make me unhappy.  When people pull out the “God wants me to be happy” card I always ask them if they read the story of Job.  Or David, the man after God’s own heart.  If that’s happy, it’s not always pretty.

There’s a job I really want right now but it doesn’t exist yet.  That’ a bit of a struggle, huh?  The job is working in an area that I’m passionate about on two fronts: helping people get through conflict and helping people get on their feet when they’ve been kicked, hit, run over, etc.  I read Jesus Calling daily and every day the message tells me to trust God and to be thankful for where I am and what He is doing in this time and space.  I’m trying but it hasn’t stopped me from telling Him about this job and asking Him to open the doors and pave the road to make it happen.

Today, Jesus Calling started with this sentence.  TRUST AND THANKFULNESS WILL get you safely through this day.

Negative people weigh me down.  Last night was a “weigh-downer” and that’s all I need to say about that right now.

On the bright side, I got a call from a friend who knows of a job opportunity he wants to recommend me for and asked for my resume.  Maybe it’s not the dream job or maybe it is.  SO THANKFUL for good friends and good contacts.

I have determined I like consulting work when I don’t have to do it for a living.  I thought it’s what I always wanted for a career.  I do enjoy it but I enjoy building relationships within an organization better.  In consulting, I work with the owner primarily and hope they follow my suggestions.  Working in an organization allows me the space to plan, develop and execute the project and build relationships with all those working on it.  I can be a coach, encourager and mentor directly to the people involved along the path.  It’s good to do new things, explore new things and learn new things.  This is something I have learned about me.

Enough already.  Time for the rambling to cease and some productivity to start.

Grace and peace.

Memories

16 Saturday Feb 2013

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I get sentimental.  It’s true.  I think about days past, about the people and places that have been a part of my life, about the ups and downs, the great events and the lowest moments.  I think about memories.

I have spent my hours on some misbegotten dreams, and I have spent my money on some foolish-hearted things, and I have spent my memories on old and bitter wine.  –
Robert Earl Keen, Jr., I Would Change My Life

When I look back, I see so much devastation.  There are memories of my children.  There are beautiful and scenic vacation vistas.  There are big rainbow trout at the end of a fly line.  There are Christmases and fireworks.  Lots of good things.  Yet, I think back on my memories as misbegotten dreams, as foolish-hearted things, as old and bitter wine.

Maybe it’s because my wounds of recent pains still hurt so bad.  Maybe I am pessimistic and just don’t want to believe it.  Maybe it’s because some people around me seem to have little hope at times or remember the good things as the roads not traveled.

I hope time and prayer and faith and good friends will help my thought of memories change.  I hope to remember the bad times as learning experiences and see the good things I’ve taken from them.  I’m not there yet.  Maybe tomorrow.

Grace and peace.

Anxious Anxiety

15 Friday Feb 2013

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It’s easy to be anxious for some of us.  I suppose there are people who have never experienced anxiety.  I know there are others who have been anxious people who learned to grow past it.  There are others who will likely die in anxiety of death.

Jesus said, “Do not be anxious.”  It sounds like He was serious out it.  I know God was.

Someone recently said to me, “How can I not be anxious?”  Let’s face it.  Most of us are never going to go through life completely free of concerns, even worry.  The question is how do we go through life: trusting in God with some healthy level of concern that keeps us alert to what opportunities are put in our path or worried that things will fall apart even though we have no evidence it will fall apart?

I find those who are most anxious are most concerned with how they think life is supposed to look.  At least that’s been my personal experience.

I realized the way I think things should be isn’t the best way it should be.  I would NEVER suggest God allow His son to be crucified on the cross.  If God thinks that’s the best thing to do for my life, how do I decide what is best without His will and guidance?

I am learning to live with less anxiety (not without, just less!) as I realize the God who gave His son for me is the same God who doesn’t want anything bad for me.  He’s the God who wants to give me all He knows I need.  Maybe not what I think I need but, again, I would never have suggested God sacrifice His son.  If He will do that, what can I really worry about it?  That life doesn’t look like I think it should?

God, show me Your ways.  Open my eyes to Your path for me.  Open my heart to trust fully in You.  Speak deeply into me Father.  I want to know Your peace.  Always.

Grace and peace.

The End of Other’s Lessons

06 Wednesday Feb 2013

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Someone I wish I knew better recently responded to a blog about a situation that I can identify with in many ways.  When we look at our battles, we can look around and see others who face tougher battles, at least in our eyes, and who do so with grace.  They teach us lessons that are valuable.

Yet, they are only lessons.

As I’ve journeyed through my dark valleys, I have had many who marched beside me and who have taught me many valuable lessons.  They have helped me to see my situation in a different light.

They helped me see the lessons.

I have found the comfort of others and the lessons they teach only last so long because, at some point, I am back in the muck and the mess of my life and I have to LIVE it.  The listening, seeing and understanding of problems can teach me lessons but I have to LIVE the lessons.  I have to decide to trust God or not trust God.  I have to decide to live gratefully or live fearfully.  I have to decide to press on or draw back.  I have to decide how I WILL LIVE the rest of my days.  And do it!

I can decide today that I will live gratefully but that doesn’t mean I’ll still be living that way tomorrow.  It’s another decision I have to make.

I’m thankful for the stories of others, for their encouragement, for their lessons, for their faith in me to share what they know.  Very thankful.  But at some point I come to the end of other’s lessons and have to make the decision for myself of how I will live this day and how I will take on the obstacles and share in the victories.

From Jesus Calling on February 6…

Come to me and rest.  I am all about you, to bless and restore.  Breathe Me in with each breath.  The way just ahead of you is very steep.  Slow down and cling tigthly to My hand.  I am teaching you a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship.

Learned only by hardship.  By me.  That’s exciting (heavy sarcasm intended).

My lessons have to be my own.  Lived out by me.  I much rather live my life through other people’s stories but it doesn’t work that way.  Today, I will choose to cling to the hand of God, to prepare to take the steep path with Him giving me strength.  And I ask Him for the strength to keep making that decision in the days to come.

Grace and peace.

The Gratefulness Project

29 Tuesday Jan 2013

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I’ve been on the theme of gratefulness lately because I believe it is important, something that I struggle with and a trait I want to exhibit more of for the rest of my days.  I think of gratefulness as a project in my life because a project is something that usually takes some time, has progress and setbacks and gives a sense of accomplishment when milestones are reached.  For me, living in gratefulness is a project.  As much as I want to be grateful overnight and never change, I wake up worrying about a multitude of things and the leading worry usually has something to do with finances.  All that worry and God continues to give me manna for the day.

I have been blessed.  God has given me time to deal with some intense pain that I haven’t dealt with in a long time.  God has given me time to rest physically, emotionally and spiritually.  He has provided work and income.  He has surrounded me with special friends who have spoke powerful words deep inside of me.

So much to be grateful for and I wake up worrying.  Silly, right?  It’s why I call it a project.  I’ll keep working to overcome my worry with thanksgiving for what I have.  I’ll keep working to overcome my worry with the thought that God is at work to secure what I need for the days ahead.  I’ll keep working to overcome my worry with the knowledge that my future in Him and with Him is secure.

My gratefulness project starts anew today.  Thank you Lord for providing for me and putting up with me.

Grace and peace.

Moving Past “Sorta’ Grateful”

18 Friday Jan 2013

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I believe it is important, no, imperative to be grateful for what God has given me.  But it ain’t easy being grateful.  Bills are coming due.  Some are already late.  I’m cutting back.  And then cutting back some more.  But, I still want to enjoy time with my kids going out to eat, going to movies, doing fun stuff.  Spending the money scares me because bills are coming due.  I have a mortgage that won’t get paid by reselling aluminum cans.  A kid in college.  Two kids driving cars, needing gas and insurance.

Today I read Psalm 118.  Give thanks to the Lord.  His love endures forever.  I read Philippians 4 too.  Don’t be anxious but ask the Lord for anything.

Oh God, I don’t need riches.  I only need follow you.  I only need to seek your desires for me.  But, I do have these things I like, these things I’m comfortable with, these things I feel like I need to provide my children, these things I want to do too.  I lay it at your feet Lord.  I have walked into so many fires Lord and you have led me out of them.  Sure, there are wounds that still hurt and there are scars but I chose to walk into the fire and you still pulled me out of it.  Lord, remind me that you have provided more than I can understand and that you will continue to provide.  I know it may not be the way I see it or imagine it Lord so I pray with boldness that you do more than I can possibly imagine.  Lord, forgive me when my gratefulness wavers.  It’s a fault and one I want to work on.  I want a heart of thanksgiving and joy for simply being your child and whatever comes with that this day.  I don’t want to be sorta’ grateful, God.  I want to be abounding in gratefulness and thanksgiving.  Thank you for your patience as I work to get there.  Heal my wounds.  Cover my scars.  Open my eyes to avoid the next fire.  Open my heart to all that you can pour into it.  Cover me in peace.  Amen.

Grace and peace to you.

This Present Moment

05 Saturday Jan 2013

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I hear much teaching about living in the present moment.  Don’t dwell on the past too much.  Don’t worry about the future too much.  Live fully today.

Today I’m crying.  Buckets full of tears.

In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains.  In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined.  I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort.  Only the pain of loss and of being alone.  I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment.  A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized.  Today, it is massive.  As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more.  More time.  More touching.  More voices.  In this present moment, I am hurting.  And crying.  I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.

In this present moment, I am hurting.  I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing.  The bills don’t quit coming.  The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming.  The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.

This present moment is filled with sadness.  And hurt.  And anger.  I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses.  Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold.  It feels the same way within me.

Will there be better days?  I expect so.  Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them?  I hope so.  Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)?  Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time?  Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment.  That’s just life.  My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”.  People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing.  Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself.  I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.

I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard.  Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment.  Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey.  I take these times hard.  I do.  It’s who I am.  And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am.  Maybe that’s the lesson.  Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of.  This vessel that is me is weak and fragile.  Well, so be it but I want my kids back.  I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them.  One more meal.  Oh how I long for that moment.

In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt.  I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go.  I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on.  I will go back amidst the tears.  I will prepare to leave amidst the pain.  I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight.  All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly.  I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days.  I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.

If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal.  I just want it all today.  Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan.  I just want it now.  Know the tears will dry and I expect better days.  It’s just not what I’m feeling right now.  Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness.  I just want it in this moment.  Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop.  I just want to be out of the valley now.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart.  Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.

Grace and peace.

Off the Reservation

29 Saturday Dec 2012

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OK, since I’m not really telling any of my friends about this blog, it’s a good time for me to get this out in the open.  I’m intrigued with Buddhism.  Intrigued may not be the right word but I haven’t given time to a study of Buddhist teaching yet but intend to.

NO, I’m not becoming a Buddhist in the sense that I’m leaving Christianity.  In fact, what little I know so far about Buddhist teaching only enhances my Christ-following walk.  Buddhist aren’t afraid to talk about suffering and pain and how to move through and past suffering and pain.  That’s what I really, really like about them.  They teach living in the present moment and accepting all that comes with it, both good and bad.  Sound like any of Christ’s teachings?  I appreciate the idea of Karma because I’ve read that you reap what you sow.  I appreciate the teachings about the present moment because I’ve read not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it’s own.  I appreciate the teachings about enduring suffering and moving past it because Christ died for my eternal soul, not just what I am doing today.  I appreciate the teaching and practice of meditation because God said, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Buddhists are good at living out what they teach whereas I’ve grown up in a Christian environment where I have been taught to work harder and study less.

In the upcoming weeks, I’ll be using some guest posts to share what’s going on in my mind.  Remember, these are for me so if you don’t like it I hope you’ll at least take some time to think about what is being said.

Yes, I’m venturing off the reservation on which I’ve grown up but like so many I have found there is a world outside the bubble that teaches things of great benefit to me to help me on my journey to grow closer to God and closer to peace within myself.

Grace and peace.