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Wounds and Respect

28 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Conflict Resolution, Friendship

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I was talking with an old friend the other day about the struggles of his marriage.  I didn’t count the number of times he mentioned respect as an issue between both he and his wife but as I think about the conversation, wounds and respect are two topics that keep coming back to mind.

The wife faced abuse as a child from her father that I cannot imagine.  I cannot imagine how scary it was for her.  I cannot imagine the wounds it has left deep within her that affect how she sees other men, especially her husband.  I wonder if she sees God like she remembers her father and sees her husband the same way – as someone who should take care of her and protect her but cannot live up to what she wants or expects.

The husband isn’t perfect either.  He has battled his own demons that have caused problems between them that partially result from his childhood and the wounds he experienced.  He wants someone who is there, who is consistent, who in in control of their emotions and desires.  She has made choices during their marriage that conflict with all of that and leaves him with trust issues.

Their wounds are deep and ingrained after years of living with them but not doing much to address them and overcome them.  It has left them in a position where their wounds have created expectations and their failure to live up to those have caused a lack of respect for each other.  How can a relationship survive without respect?

William Ury, author of The Power of a Positive No says that we cannot respect another until we first respect ourselves.  Respect is best given from a position of power, not over another but within oneself.  If I respect myself, it is much easier for me to show respect to another because I have all I need within myself.  Gaining the other person’s respect only adds to my power but is not the foundation of my strength.

I wish I had begun to understand the power of wounds and power of respect several years ago.  I have a relationship that is in dire need of help but without the opportunity to communicate regularly.  Knowing what I know now, even in the infancy of my understanding, would have led me to greater hopes of saving a relationship that has been devastating to lose.  Hopefully, knowing I I know now will allow me to maintain and improve relationships in the future.

Grace and peace.

Power

13 Thursday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Faith

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It’s something so many of us want.  It’s something that cripples so many.  It’s something that can be a great tool.  It’s something that can be a debilitating weapon.  Power.

I have had power and I have been subjected to power.  I have used it well and I have misused it.  I have been encouraged by it and I have cowered under it.  Power.

Today I wrestle with the power of the emotion of fear.  I am in a vulnerable place where I can choose to cling to faith or live in fear.  I feel like I am losing the battle today, that fear is winning.  I see the collision of all the worst things I can imagine for my life and I see it all playing out.  I wilt under the idea of a great punishment.

Maybe I am simply being dramatic.

I have shared my feelings with a couple of people over the past 3 days and have varied responses.  One was from someone more fearful of my position than I have been.  That certainly had an impact on how I have seen things.  Another believes there is a plan, a way things will work out and I am in the the process of the plan.  Another believes I need to do more to change my situation.  In all these things I try to understand how I feel, what I want to do now, what I want to do next, where I believe I am being led.  In all the wondering, the door opens for fear to creep in and use it’s power to beat me down, to weaken my faith, to lose hope.  The power of fear can make me stop in my tracks, for hours or days, and just imagine that my world is unraveling.

Maybe my world is unraveling.  The virtue of being able to write is that admitting to my fear and it’s power over me, I can almost feel myself releasing the fear and looking at the words that friends have written on Twitter, not directly to me but, that have spoken directly to me.  Last night a friend was encouraging me to be bold in my faith while another person I follow on Twitter wrote, “one of our greatest temptations is to reduce God to the size of our biggest failures.”  (Jonathon Storment)  Wow, that hit me right between the eyes.

I want the rest of this day to be lived in the power of God’s work in my life.  It won’t be easy and even God says it won’t.  The power of fear is ever-present, lurking, ready to suck me in.  I make the choice of whether to give in to the fear or live in faith.  I am calling on God this day to help me, to show me a sign but even if He doesn’t I plan to choose to believe He is here, He is at work, He has a plan for me.  (Ephesians 2:10)

Grace and peace.

Fear

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Faith

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I find myself often living in fear.  Fear of not measuring up to someone else.  Fear of financial insecurity.  Fear of letting people down.  Fear of what people think about me.  Fear of being hurt again.

I thought about standing near a rollercoaster and the quiet you hear as the cars slowly climb a hill and then the screams you hear as the cars come speeding down the other side.  The people knew what they were getting into when they climbed on the rollercoaster but yet the screams come as soon as they cross the peak.  I find myself doing that at times.  I know the journey to the mountaintop has an experience of coming down off the mountaintop yet I find myself sometimes screaming with fear not knowing when the descent will stop or what will happen when I reach the bottom.

Today is one of those days.  I crested last week and now feel like I am hellbent in rapid descent and that the wheels will come off and the big crash is inevitable.  And the moments come where I think “where is God in this?”

The God who did great things in Job’s life.  The God who led His people to the promised land.  The God who fulfilled His promises to Abraham.  The God who saved the world.  Where is that God in this moment of my life, in this blip of time, in this story that started long ago and will run as long as He chooses?  Where is he in my fear?

I know the question I need to ask is “how strong is my faith?”  How long will I wait in prayer and peace for God to show me what He has planned for me?  Waiting isn’t easy when you see money growing thin, when you wonder if you can meet your obligations.  It just isn’t.  I know God hasn’t called me to do easy things but man, I wish it was easier today.

Today will be a test of my faith.  Will I trust God or will I leave Him behind to find my own answers?  Tough question.  Maybe I will have an answer to share tomorrow.

Grace and peace.

Selling It

13 Tuesday Nov 2012

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“You cannot keep selling something you are not convinced you (personally) need to buy.” – Todd Wagner, Watermark Senior Pator, at RightNow Conference

I had spoke similar words to a close friend just days before.  “I can sell God’s love and grace, I just have trouble buying it for myself.”  Very insightful words.  i woke up today scared of what the future holds.  I have found myself in tears in recent days hurt by recent events, hurt by my past mistakes, fearful what it means for my future and wondering why I don’t completely trust God.

I can sell it.  I have time and time again.  When I’m talking to others who are struggling, I hear my words and think “wow, if I can grasp it and feel it within myself.”  I see God at work in others, I see what God has done through and in me in the past and yet I worry and am afraid that His promise has run dry for me.

I used to be able to quote the 23rd Psalm in the King James Version.  Today, I have filled my mind with so many things that don’t matter to push out things that do matter.  I stopped typing for a moment to go read it again on Biblegateway.com and will re-memorize it.  It is something I need to repeat to myself daily.  More than that, I need to be ready to buy it for myself.  The Lord is my shepherd.  He is all that I need.  If I can buy it and believe it, I wonder how I different I will be in my actions, both internal and external.

I hope He keeps putting me in position to sell it.  More, I want to buy it in the deepest and most intimate parts of my being.

A Slow Start

07 Wednesday Nov 2012

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My blogging is off to a slow start but not because I haven’t thought about a bunch of things to say.  I have been going through some dramatic changes in my life and maybe the shock, the fear, the wonder, the hope and many other emotions have collided to both make me stop, make me think and make wait.  Ah, waiting.  I’m not great at waiting.  And forgiving myself.  Not good at that either.  And trusting God.  Well, I trust Him with some small things but job hunting is all dependent on me.  Right?

Forgiving self is one of the greatest battles I have.  Typically, I don’t forgive myself and I have junk I have been carrying with me for a long, long time.  A good friend said something to me the other day that really struck a chord.  “Failing to forgive yourself is denying God’s child a gift God wants to give him.”  Wow.  It’s the story of the prodigal and I love the story…right up to the point where I fill in the rest of the story with the returning son living under a cloud of his sins.

Another great comment I heard recently deals with my faith and patience.  “The God who says He has plans for you, that you are His workmanship, is the God you are now doubting because things aren’t the way you want them?”  That hits me right between the eyes.

That’s a start.  I hope this blog evolves into a lot more praise for my glorious Father and less about my doubt, self-doubt and failings.  In the meantime, I’ll deal with some things I need to deal with and see where it leads me.  And where He leads me.

Grace and peace.