Tag Archives: Fear

Leaving Fear Behind

10 Wednesday May 2023

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I posted this earlier today on social media (and received no responses…not surprising)

Any organization that uses fear as a primary motivator will not last. Fear only works until people are tired of being afraid. This applies to families, business, religion, and country. People want freedom, not fear.

In America, we brag about our freedoms while our politicians brandish fear cajoling us to hate the other side because they only want bad things for the country and for us. Meanwhile, they have affairs with staffers and sell their votes to the highest bidder or biggest voting bloc to keep their seat of power.

I worked for a bit of a tyrant in an accounting firm back in the day. He got his way by yelling and bullying and people worked hard, while miserable, to avoid his wrath.

I have a friend who’s dad took “spare the rod and spoil the child” to beat the hell out of the kid, emasculate him in front of others and keep him scared. (My friend ended up with a drinking problem and is dead now, way too early.)

I grew up in a conservative church background with a preacher who told us not to kiss a girl until our wedding day if we wanted to stay in the good graces of God and away from temptation. He said he did it and that was best. Later, he had an affair with a secretary or something.

The book of wisdom references fear of God. It also talks about love. So, explain to me why we are supposed to fear a God who created us in His image, calls us heirs, allows His son to die for us. Explain to me why we are supposed to fear a God who planted a tree that changed the world. Why is fear so prevalent from the pulpits and church classrooms?

Is God manic? Does he really love us? Did he really send Jesus to the cross to shed grace far and wide? Or, is He that father of my friend who uses his belt and his anger to keep us in check? Remember, He is the same God who planted the tree. Was He just setting us up to knock us down? There’s more unpacking to do there for another time.

Fear opposes freedom. What does God want for us?

Fear crushes openness. What does God want for us?

Fear stifles generosity. What does God want for us?

I’m tired of living in fear. I have found freedom and it is life changing. I do not fear God. I do not fear a place called hell. I do not fear eternal punishment. Why? I believe God gave us freedom. To make choices for ourselves. To embrace grace for ourselves. To make mistakes and suffer the consequences (a living hell) for ourselves.

I am convinced God wants us to live in freedom to choose Him, to choose authenticity, to choose generosity, to choose…GRACE and LOVE and MERCY and COMPASSION…for ourselves and then for others.

I am tired of fear. I am laying it down brick by brick and living in freedom step by step.

It’s All Over

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

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2014 that is.  Today is the last day of the year.  It’s a day where some are reflecting, some are looking forward and some are just wondering how they will get home tonight.  For me, it’s a little of the first two but I’ll be home tonight so that last question isn’t an issue.

There were lots of changes in 2014 for me.  Some weren’t so great.  Some were AWESOME!  Yes, worthy of capital letters.

As I reflect on 2014, I can easily think about some long days and nights of darkness and remember the pain.  Not just remember, I can still feel it in my gut.  I remember feeling hopeless at times.  I remember being angry with God.  I remember thinking I did not want to go on.  I remember nights with little sleep and a lot of tears.

As I reflect on 2014, I realize how far I moved emotionally.  From pain to joy.  From despair to thanksgiving.  Friends helped me through the dark days and my faith carried me too.  Faith that God had something in store for me.  Faith that life would get better.  Psalms 27:13-14 stuff.  I got a job that brought me hope.  I came home and proposed to an incredible woman.  I got married and went to Colorado and she went flyfishing with me.  How crazy is that?

2014 was a year that taught me two things.  One, life is hard.  Every single day has obstacles and some of them will crush you if allowed to.  Two, thankfulness is a choice requiring action.  There are good things happening in life, some small and some big.  The big ones are easy to figure out so it’s the small ones I have to seek out daily and choose to focus on what is good.

I don’t like the road I had to travel in 2014 but I am thankful for the lessons and thankful for where the road led me.  That is enough.  I remember the darkness and I will let that memory live so I might be able to be a light of hope for others going through darkness.  At the same time, I am thankful for what the light has brought into my life and I  have immense hope for what the future holds.

Grace and peace.

Disease

03 Monday Nov 2014

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Over the weekend I heard the story of a young lady who opted to take her own life instead of battling a terminal illness.  I cannot imagine the thoughts that she may have wrestled with in making the decision and the days leading up to her death.  I know disease drives us to different places, whether it is something as simple as a cold or as scary what that young lady had to face.

One disease that I have battled is fear.  It is a disease that can take hold of my life and create a range of feelings and emotions.  Fear can be a lingering, nagging illness and fear can be debilitating.  I have no doubt there are people who have taken their own lives because of fear and I know people who have quit living because of fear.  It is certainly had a stranglehold on me at times.

I battled the disease on Saturday.  I thought I was getting over it and moving forward with a new outlook and, out of the blue, BOOM!  Fear was back evoking thoughts and feelings that shot through my brain.  It affected my breathing.  It affected my emotions.  It had my brain spinning and my stomach churning.

I suppose there is medicine out there that will help people battle fear but I possess something that is powerful and effective against the disease.  Choice.  I can choose whether to live in the fear or to move past it.  I can choose to believe in something better than fear.  I can choose to write a different story.  I can choose to know that what I often fear never comes to fruition and, if it does, there is little I can do to change it.  All fear does is stop me from living through it.

Choice is a powerful thing.  It cannot stop every disease but it can stop fear.  While I let part of my Saturday be overcome by fear, I eventually chose to move on, to trust in something better, to not listen to the little fear demon and believe that what I hope for is what is real.  I swallowed the choice pill and I’m feeling much, much better about life today.

Grace and peace.

Walking

05 Tuesday Aug 2014

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“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because you are with me.” – Psalms 23

I have gone through periods of lots of walking.  When I first accepted that a divorce was imminent in my life, I got on a treadmill every night and walked for an hour several nights a week.  When I realized a job I had accepted was going nowhere and I was cut off from everything and everyone I loved for days at a time, I got on a treadmill and walked for close to an hour during the week.

Looking back, I started walking just to have something to do and an outlet for my hurt and rage.  It has also come to symbolize the emotional and spiritual journey of the hard days of my life.  I feel, at times, like I am walking through a desert.  Dry and thirsty.  Just me and the coarse sand scraping against me, step by step, irritating my skin.  Irritating my mind and my soul.

The good thing about walking is that it leads somewhere.  It has led me in circles and it has led me to paths leaving the desert.  It has led me to people who challenge me and it has led me to people who love me and want the best for me.  It has led me through the valley of the shadow of death, as I know it at this stage of my life, and I believe it is leading me to bright, shining moments.

My friends who know me well know there are times I felt I was on the edge of a cliff and starting to fall off.  I am sure I was blowing the situation out of proportion at times but when the pain is constant and you just want it to stop, sometimes proportion is in the eyes of the one in pain.  Regardless, there were times I was ready to jump but one thing held me back.

Faith.

I do not have a perfect faith but I do have faith.  There have been many times I thought my faith would run out and woke up the next morning to find it still there but thin.  Other times it has been full and running over.  Part of faith for me is walking in it.  I may not know where I am going but I keep going, in faith, trusting that God’s ways are better than my ways and leaning on Him instead of leaning on my own understanding.

There have been times my life has been like walking on a treadmill.  I walk for an hour but still find myself in the same place I started.  Then there are the other times, the times that bring so much hope and excitement.  All the walking through the desert, through the coarse and painful sand and it seems I am walking into a valley full of hope and joy and excitement for what is now and what is coming.  I feel like I have walked in faith and now I get to look back on the lessons of the journey while enjoying the fruit of reaching a place of peace and rest.

Grace and peace.

Let Her Love You

08 Thursday May 2014

Posted by in God's love, Life

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This post is very different from the first one that was scheduled for this time.  It’s also very different than the second one that was scheduled for this time.  Both were dark and dealt with hard, scary thoughts from the deepest recesses of fear and doubt and unworthiness.  I had gone to those places with a friend who was struggling at the same time I was struggling and we both dove deep into our hurts.  I thought that was how this week would go; dark and filled with fear.  Until I heard, “let her love you.”

I am a man blessed with some INCREDIBLE friends.  Our sins are laid bare in front of each other and our hearts are handled with love and care between each other.  I talked to one of them on the phone and we got around to struggles and some I was having with my own insecurities.  I have been given a gift in the form of a woman who loves me by every evidence I can see.  Where I see ugliness in myself, she speaks beauty back to me.  Where I see hurt in myself, she speaks healing.  Where I see turmoil within myself, she speaks calm.  Yet, I continue a self-talk pattern of unworthiness.  I have heard I am not good enough for so long that I have allowed myself to believe it.  She is trying hard to convince me otherwise.  I struggle with allowing myself to trust her goodness completely and I have tried to hang on to my heart in spite of her efforts to hold it, caress it, love it.

My friend said, “let her love you.”  Let her.  Quit fighting against it and let it happen.  He says I’m worthy of love.  So did another friend who called the day before and told me he needed me in his life for the hard times.  So did another friend who texts me 3-7 times a day reminding me that I am loved and all other voices are liars.  (I told you I had incredible friends!)  “Let her love you.”

For the last day and a half, I have tried to lay down my wounds and my scars and my fears and my self-doubt and just let her love me. That mantra is resonating in my mind as I begin to trust her with my heart and with my self-worth.  Thursday afternoon, we had a conversation on FaceTime.  It’s a great tool because you can see the person and read the body language.  Everything about that conversation told me she loved me, she trusted me and she was willing to hand her heart over to me.  Everything I saw in her eyes and in her body language told me she loves me.  Everything I heard in her words told me she was willing and ready to help me do whatever was needed to feel better about myself.  Everything I saw and heard said, “let me love you.”

To “let” her means to make a choice.  I choose whether she gets to love me or not.  I already told her my desire to let her love me and that I will begin to be intentional in allowing her into places that bring me fear; I CHOOSE to let her in.

“Let her love you.”  Thank you Dennis.  Your words were the words of God.  What they really meant were “Let me (God) love you through my instrument on earth.”

“Let me love you.”  Thank you Kelly for seeing me through God’s eyes and being willing to tell me over and over and over what you see.  You are a gift from above.

Grace and peace.

The Problem with Insecurities

06 Thursday Mar 2014

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The problem with insecurities is feeling insecure.

I don’t always write profound statements but I think that’s one for the ages.

Seriously, insecurities eat at me.  Mine have the most persistent voices of anyone I know.  They tell me I’m not good enough.  That I don’t provide enough.  That I don’t measure up (to a multitude of people and things).  That I’m not good looking.  That I can’t make people happy.  That I’m not worth of love or forgiveness.

OUCH!  Those last two really sting.

The crazy thing about insecurities is that we often find ourselves insecure about something with someone else who is insecure about something and all we see are our own insecurities so it compounds the problem.

I want to quiet the voices of my insecurities.  I want to believe they are false and that I don’t need to feel the way they make me feel.  Sure, I may not be good enough at times.  Sure, someone may not love me at times.  I want to accept that just because those things happen, they are not my identity.

Easier said than done.

I’m a work in progress.

Grace and peace.

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

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Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out.  It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them.  What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick.  I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better.  Then it happened.  The quick race to the bathroom.  The pain inside.  Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief.  The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this.  Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out.  Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight.  I went wide open and it came flowing out.  I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage.  I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story.  I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time.  Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known.  My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was.  Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone?  I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden.  I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own.  It’s out there.  It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating.  Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy.  Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in.  I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night.  And I feel good.

Grace and peace.

The Day The Wheels Come Off

19 Friday Apr 2013

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Many of us know the feeling of the day the wheels came off.  When things seemed to be going good, or at least OK, and then control was lost and the crash came.  I remember the day the wheels came off and my life hasn’t been the same since.  In fact, it seems the vehicle I’m riding in is still careening and slamming into hard objects as I slide out of control.

Times are tough.  I’m trusting God but the answers are coming slowly and I wonder just how bad it’s going to get.  I’ve read the story of Job and wonder if I’m not on the same track.  I’m not anywhere as righteous as Job either.

I am blessed with good friends and would not trade for that.  They lift me up and offer words of encouragement.  I am not blessed with a large bank account and that is what scares me.  When you go through the “emergency account” things change.  I know.

Oh Lord, I pray your my current status is not your answer.  I pray there is something around the corner that will reverse this place I’m in and that you will provide for me so that I may provide for those I love the most.  Hear my plea, Lord.

Grace and peace.

Silence

16 Tuesday Apr 2013

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My friends know that when they don’t hear from me, something is wrong.  Not in the sense that something bad has happened to me physically but that I am emotionally and/or spiritually unraveling.  I like silence but usually am not silent with my closest friends for long.  Silence for more than a couple of days sends up red flags to those people.  It’s not good.

It makes me wonder what happens when God is silent.  Does that indicate things are not good?  I ask because I’m not hearing anything from God right now.  He may be screaming at me but for some reason I’m hearing nothing.  Zero.  Nada.  Zilch.

I need to hear something.  I’m terrified right now.  God is silent and my emotions are way out on the edge.  I’m blowing up at nothing, at people I love, at anything that moves.  I’m battling through it and I’m forcing myself to reach out to some folks right now, seeking prayers from some and advice from others and both from a few.

I pray I hear God’s voice soon.  Or see a sign.  I just want to know He remembers me.

Grace and peace.

Dikembe Mutombo

28 Thursday Mar 2013

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Dikembe is collecting some dough doing a GEICO commercial where he goes around blocking, or rejecting, several “shots” saying “not in my house!”  It was something he was good at in his NBA years.

Rejection is a part of life  Some people handle it well.  I don’t.  As I wrote my blog that posted yesterday I couldn’t help but think how the words sound great, how Christ is pouring into me, yet rejection – even the fear of it – hurts so much.  What has happened to me that causes me to fear rejection so badly?  What causes me to let someone get close and then to swat them away and say “not in my house!”  The following was on a friends site the other day…

The spirit of Rejection will change your personality. It will put up walls to keep you from being vulnerable. It will create a world of defense mechanisms so you don’t run the risk of being rejected ever again. This fear of being vulnerable caused by the Rejection will destroy your body because it takes your peace and puts the focus on self-protection instead of trust in God and being love to other people.

The solution is to accept that you are accepted in love by God and therefore even if man rejects you or hurts you, you are not rejected. You are accepted regardless of your circumstances because God said so. Let’s ask God to help us see ourselves through His eyes of love so we can reject Rejection and be who we truly were created to be!

I share love with lots of people.  I am transparent and very vulnerable with lots of people.  I will share the pain of my heart, I will be compassionate, I will love them and the fear of vulnerability does not exist at that level.

There is a love for my fellow man that I give freely and I accept freely and I am not afraid of negative consequences.  And there is another love, the love of a special someone, the love of someone I would come to rely on in the most intimate and vulnerable settings, that I am not willing to share or open up to the pain that could come from it.

Three people that I have loved and trusted have ripped at my heart and left deep, gaping wounds in recent years.  Wounds take time to heal and mine seem like they heal slowly.  Getting older has only seemed to exasperate the healing process.  I think some people get impatient with me.  Others have given up that I will ever heal.  Maybe it’s that I am too patient…or, a better way of saying it, I am comfortable with the walls that protect my heart from another rejection.

Christ healed Paul’s wounds relatively quickly.  I have no doubt He can do it when and where He feels it most appropriate.  Paul had a very important mission and a calling that left little time for slow healing.  I wonder what my situation is.  Has Jesus called me to a quicker healing and I wouldn’t accept it?  Or, is He allowing my wounds to heal slowly while preparing me for the next step?

I do believe in His power to heal.  I do believe in His power to pour into me the way He poured into Paul.

I just wish I knew the timing.

Grace and peace.