Tag Archives: Fear

Lean On Me

14 Friday Dec 2012

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I talked about the power fear has over me.  It still resonates through my body this day.  The other thing about fear is it’s weight.  Man, it is heavy.  At times it weighs down on my so much it almost pushes all the air out of my body.  Other times it weighs so much it simply paralyzes me.  It makes my head hurt and disrupts my thoughts.  It leaves me feeling like I am buried under a pile of rocks, alone, with nowhere to go.

I’m thankful for friends I can call on.  They help lift the weight.  They help carry the burden at times.  The song, sung by Bill Withers (and recently done so well by Nicholas David on The Voice) has lyrics I’ve never listened to or caught before reading them today.  The third stanza hit me like a truck today.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
(Chorus)

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me

Just calling is hard sometimes.  The weight of fear crushes my hopes, my dreams, my faith and my ability to call on people at times.  The weight of fear reminds me that I cannot do things on my own and tells me I am weak because of it, that I will fail, that I will not get out of this present situation without being battered and broken.

Like so many others, I turn to God and call out to him but I have seen prayers answered in painful ways, I have seen tears that don’t stop flowing, pain that never goes away, relationships destroyed.  God doesn’t always tie things up with a pretty red bow…and that drives my fear even more.  The questions of “what if” roll through my mind like a freight train – loud, earth-shaking, powerful – and leave the weight of fear on my shoulders.

Still, I will call on God and ask that He do more than I can imagine, that he will heal and make new, that he will provide so that I can share in abundance and redemption on this earth as well as in the next life.  I will slowly, but surely, call on friends and ask them to pray, to help carry my burden.  The power and weight of fear will lurk and will reach inside me at times, but for today I will still hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.  For if I don’t have hope, what do I have?

Grace and peace.

Power

13 Thursday Dec 2012

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It’s something so many of us want.  It’s something that cripples so many.  It’s something that can be a great tool.  It’s something that can be a debilitating weapon.  Power.

I have had power and I have been subjected to power.  I have used it well and I have misused it.  I have been encouraged by it and I have cowered under it.  Power.

Today I wrestle with the power of the emotion of fear.  I am in a vulnerable place where I can choose to cling to faith or live in fear.  I feel like I am losing the battle today, that fear is winning.  I see the collision of all the worst things I can imagine for my life and I see it all playing out.  I wilt under the idea of a great punishment.

Maybe I am simply being dramatic.

I have shared my feelings with a couple of people over the past 3 days and have varied responses.  One was from someone more fearful of my position than I have been.  That certainly had an impact on how I have seen things.  Another believes there is a plan, a way things will work out and I am in the the process of the plan.  Another believes I need to do more to change my situation.  In all these things I try to understand how I feel, what I want to do now, what I want to do next, where I believe I am being led.  In all the wondering, the door opens for fear to creep in and use it’s power to beat me down, to weaken my faith, to lose hope.  The power of fear can make me stop in my tracks, for hours or days, and just imagine that my world is unraveling.

Maybe my world is unraveling.  The virtue of being able to write is that admitting to my fear and it’s power over me, I can almost feel myself releasing the fear and looking at the words that friends have written on Twitter, not directly to me but, that have spoken directly to me.  Last night a friend was encouraging me to be bold in my faith while another person I follow on Twitter wrote, “one of our greatest temptations is to reduce God to the size of our biggest failures.”  (Jonathon Storment)  Wow, that hit me right between the eyes.

I want the rest of this day to be lived in the power of God’s work in my life.  It won’t be easy and even God says it won’t.  The power of fear is ever-present, lurking, ready to suck me in.  I make the choice of whether to give in to the fear or live in faith.  I am calling on God this day to help me, to show me a sign but even if He doesn’t I plan to choose to believe He is here, He is at work, He has a plan for me.  (Ephesians 2:10)

Grace and peace.

Hindsight

10 Monday Dec 2012

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I wonder if I could have count the number of things I wish I had not done had I been able to see what the results would be before I made the choice.  Would I be looking for a job?  Would I be divorced?  Would I be out of shape or have diabetes?  Would I deal with the fear I have?  Would I have the kids I have?  Would I have the connection of friends I have?  Would I have the hope I have?

The DJ’s who pulled the prank on the nurse in England may have rethought their actions if they had known the outcome.  They called and pretended to be the Queen of England checking on her daughter-in-law who was dealing with a recent illness related to her pregnancy.  After the prank was broadcast worldwide, the nurse killed herself leaving children, family and friends behind crushed.

I wish I had the gift of foresight but I do not.  The mistakes I have made and can see more clearly now certainly lead me to take a longer look at some decisions I make yet there are still things I do off the cuff that could lead to negative consequences.  I pray often to see what God wants me to see yet I feel so blind so much of the time.  I find myself wondering if a decision is something I really think God is leading me to or is there something else driving the decision.

While I doubt I will live out my days making the right choice every time but I do have the gift of hindsight, a teacher of experience, that can help me in making better decisions in the future.

I had an uncle who told me that “a jackass with an eyeball in his a**hole can see 20/20 backwards.”  Well, I don’t have a third eyeball nor do I want to be considered a jackass so I must learn from my past and be filled with hope for the future.  The worst decision is making no decision but that is often the draw because it won’t hurt.  I don’t know why the choice often comes down to feeling good or feeling hurt but it’s the challenge of life.  I can easily be led to disengage instead of choosing and risking the outcome.

Today, I hope hindsight will lead me to make better choices but to not fear making a choice and moving forward with hope and courage.

Grace and peace.

Fear

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Faith

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I find myself often living in fear.  Fear of not measuring up to someone else.  Fear of financial insecurity.  Fear of letting people down.  Fear of what people think about me.  Fear of being hurt again.

I thought about standing near a rollercoaster and the quiet you hear as the cars slowly climb a hill and then the screams you hear as the cars come speeding down the other side.  The people knew what they were getting into when they climbed on the rollercoaster but yet the screams come as soon as they cross the peak.  I find myself doing that at times.  I know the journey to the mountaintop has an experience of coming down off the mountaintop yet I find myself sometimes screaming with fear not knowing when the descent will stop or what will happen when I reach the bottom.

Today is one of those days.  I crested last week and now feel like I am hellbent in rapid descent and that the wheels will come off and the big crash is inevitable.  And the moments come where I think “where is God in this?”

The God who did great things in Job’s life.  The God who led His people to the promised land.  The God who fulfilled His promises to Abraham.  The God who saved the world.  Where is that God in this moment of my life, in this blip of time, in this story that started long ago and will run as long as He chooses?  Where is he in my fear?

I know the question I need to ask is “how strong is my faith?”  How long will I wait in prayer and peace for God to show me what He has planned for me?  Waiting isn’t easy when you see money growing thin, when you wonder if you can meet your obligations.  It just isn’t.  I know God hasn’t called me to do easy things but man, I wish it was easier today.

Today will be a test of my faith.  Will I trust God or will I leave Him behind to find my own answers?  Tough question.  Maybe I will have an answer to share tomorrow.

Grace and peace.