Numbers and Confirmation

28 Monday Jul 2014

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I have a degree in accounting and accounting bores me to tears. I got the degree because it is the one my parents said they would help pay for and I’m good enough with numbers to know that was hard to pass up. Even though I don’t prefer accounting work, the numbers are now a part of me and something I understand pretty well. As I have gone through times of consulting with business owners, I always tell them the numbers are great for planning and reporting but it is the execution that matters most. Numbers are important in confirming what has happened and answering questions we want to know about something. Numbers are objective and to some degree take emotion and desire out of responses. While numbers are as good as the information used to process them, they do tell a story.

This weekend, I got results from an assessment I took along with responses from my VSW. I have had a feeling about this woman for quite sometime but my accounting training and reliance on objective numbers had led me to be very curious about how we matched up. Oh my! We met with someone to discuss the results with us yesterday. I was confident going in and ecstatic coming out of that time. I won’t share details but suffice it to say that today is a very good day in my heart and in my head. There were other confirmations of the same thing that was in my heart over the weekend and it all built to a point of me knowing that my head and heart were in concert and beautiful music was being played.

I am the first to say that I do not know how God works. I do not know when the acts or does not act even though there are times I think I know it. I do not know how he chooses to act towards good things and bad things in peoples lives. All of this is open for much debate and all I can honestly say is that I have so much to learn about God. That said, today I believe this with all my being. He has opened his hand in front of me and presented a gift in my life that is radiant and beautiful. Today, I choose to believe he has acted with favor in my life and given me a gift in the form of a woman, a VSW (very special woman for any new readers), that will bless me and challenge me and love me and share hope with me for all the days ahead.

As I have said in the past, my blog is written by me and to me about things I am dealing with and experiencing today. For those of you who are reading my notes to myself you know I write often about struggle and pain. While struggle and pain are a part of life, I do not want to miss the goodness and glory of life and today I am celebrating the extreme joy I get to experience too. Where I recently wrote about the feeling of being the boxer knocked down over and over, today I have the feeling of a child joyfully running through water, splashing and playing and having the time of my life. The vision changes from a swimming pool to a beach and back and forth but the idea remains constant. Simply joy. It is filled with the laughter that comes from the joy of play, from the joy of happiness, from the joy of feeling like this feeling is all there ever was, is and will be. Today is one of those days I do not want to forget. I want it on a loop that plays over and over and I trust it will be there in my mind.

YHWH, while I do not begin to assume I know your ways, today I believe I am experiencing the goodness you have lavished on me. I believe I see what the future can be, not in a specific kind of way but in an emotional and spiritual way. Thank you is not enough but it they are the only words I have. I will try to live the rest of my days respecting and honoring the gift you have laid in my path and in doing so, honor you. Amen.

Grace and peace.

Where Do You Go From Rock Bottom?

16 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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choice, gift, hope, reality

I recently ate at a place called Rock Bottom. It was pretty good food and the server was good and it made for a positive experience overall. The name, Rock Bottom, is stuck in my head today but it has nothing to do with food. I feel like I have been to rock bottom before and some recent events make me feel like I am there again in one part of my life. My financial situation is stark. I am close to rock bottom and I honestly do not know the way out. Oh sure, I know some steps I need to take but I cannot fathom the whole picture right now. The whole picture. That is one of my challenges at times as a perfectionist and it can hinder me from getting to where I need to be financially (as well as spiritually and emotionally).

I am fortunate because I have the love of a VSW. She is a rock and she inspires me to keep my chin up and keep slugging. She listens to me when I am down and stays level even though I know it is hard for her to hear what I have to say at times. She is a special gift. I also read this quote today and it made me think of her, our relationship and my current financial position.

“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over.” ~Hope Bradford

I can create the reality that life is over, doomed, at rock bottom and never to return or I can choose to face the facts, accept them and look for the changes I can make to get where I want to be. It starts with me. I take responsibility for where I am today. While there are many factors that have affected my current position, there are also many choices I have made that have led me here today. So, I get to start choosing how to reverse this situation. No doubt a better job will help. No doubt cutting some unavoidable expenses will help. No doubt there are many places I can trim but there are also some obligations I have that I cannot avoid. It’s a big ball of stuff and I can control what I can control.

Today I am choosing to create a reality that says my life is hard but there are good things I will continue to fight for and there are obstacles I will continue to overcome. I am choosing that reality but it doesn’t mean I will not struggle along the way and I accept that too. My reality is not “I will do this or else” but “I will do the best I can today” and stay positive that things will change as I put in the effort to change them, as I rely on people around me to help and certainly as a pray for wisdom and guidance and revelation.

I have created many bad realities. I do it to other people as well as myself. Today I want to break that mold and move forward with hope. There may be tears along the way and I may stumble and fall but the reality is I will keep going forward no matter what comes my way. I have too much to live for, too much to fight for, too much that is good and worthy. I am learning that from a VSW and I am thankful she is the one in my life who is radiating that hope into me.

Thank you God for struggles that make us rely on you and the people you put in our lives to help. Thank you for the gift you have given me and the gifts I trust you will continue to give me. Thank you for the greatest gift, your Son. Amen.

Grace and peace.