Tag Archives: God

So Many Questions

16 Tuesday May 2023

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As I walked through the valley of divorce and separation from my children on a daily basis, my mind. and my heart got dark. Separation from them was the hardest part of the journey from divorce to healing to life again. Losing my family nearly sent me over a steep cliff and learning to live with that separation was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

That time in my life started a series of two things. First was a way of talking to God that most would call blasphemous. Second was a series of questions most would call blasphemous. You can see where my heart and mind were. Yet through it all, with the help of friends,

So, strap in and hold on for the first one. My kids would come over every other weekend. Well, one kid did and the other was hit or miss because they were a bit mad at me I believe and certainly mad at the situation. They would leave on Sunday evening to be back to their mother’s house by the legally appointed time. About 15 minutes after they left, I would find myself on my knees, wailing and alternatively cussing at God like a drunken sailor (yes, cussing, using all the 4 letter words and making up several as I went along) and asking Him to take my life. This went on for a few months.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell one of my guys (I’ll have to tell you about my 7 and my 14 and my 21 some time) who was trained in a preaching school and a part time missionary. I thought who better to confess to and be told I was on the fast track to hell (when I believed there was such a place…more to come). Instead, my dear friend and brother said, “good!” What do you mean good, I asked. “Who are you talking to? God. Do you think he is so small he cannot handle your heartache?”

That was a relationship changing point in time for me. I had spent so much of my life thinking God was so small that my mistakes/failings/sins, whatever you want to call them, was damaging to Him. I thought He was petty and hated me for the things I had done and was doing. My brother allowed me to see a God bigger than I could/can imagine who hurts for me and is humored by my small mindedness.

That led to questions that have continued to grow and build and challenge what I have been taught all my life. It started with questions about heaven and hell and would God really separate His creation. It led to questioning how the Bible has been used for all these years, taking small snippets out of a large story to prove a point and create a rule book instead of a book full of wisdom for living our best life. It led to questions about why the Holy Spirit, the third leg of the Trinity, is seldom discussed. Why in the world would we indignantly ignore the other part of God given to us to counsel us, to speak to us while using a book of ancient writings as the sacred rules for today’s living? Bizarre. It led to questions of why I have never, ever, heard a sermon on the importance of the second great command…to love ourselves. Remember? What is the greatest command? To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second one is like it, to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Where has that teaching been? What, what? Loving ourselves comes right along with loving God in order of importance? Who knew (because they ain’t sharing that one from the pulpit)? And, what about grace. Is it freely given to all or limited to those who have cracked the code and properly interpreted the rule book (yes, that book that is written in multiple translations because no one can agree and has spawned so many churches interpreting things slightly different from one another.) Is grace really grace or is it parceled out to some and not others? Or what about the tree in the garden? Was it put there to give us choice (am I saying that God is pro-choice?) or was it put there to trip us up and cause the downfall of man so God could beat the crap out of us? Is he all knowing and had a plan to get us out of our messes or just a sadistic son of gun ready to drop the hammer? And, if God is the same yesterday and today, from before time to infinity, why did He change the rules from the Ten Commandments to Christ’s expansion of them in the Sermon on the Mount?

Yes, I have questions and…this is crazy…believe the Holy Spirit is providing answers and the answers aren’t what mainline churches want to hear or discuss. I know because I’ve had the conversations with several pastors and only two of them still want to have lunch with me regularly. The questions are dangerous because they expand God’s love, His freedom, His allowance of choice while covering me in grace and allow me to see a bigger God, one who is not concerned with the pettiness of rules but offering me wisdom on how to live a good, happy, simple fulfilling life. I have come to see “sin” as a hurt I create for myself. What we label as sin are things I do that make my life harder than it should be, more miserable than it should be with consequences that are painful for me and for those around me at times. Choosing to follow the wisdom of God makes life a lot easier, less painful and more carefree.

Oh yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions.

Leaving Fear Behind

10 Wednesday May 2023

Posted by in Letting God Out of the Box

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I posted this earlier today on social media (and received no responses…not surprising)

Any organization that uses fear as a primary motivator will not last. Fear only works until people are tired of being afraid. This applies to families, business, religion, and country. People want freedom, not fear.

In America, we brag about our freedoms while our politicians brandish fear cajoling us to hate the other side because they only want bad things for the country and for us. Meanwhile, they have affairs with staffers and sell their votes to the highest bidder or biggest voting bloc to keep their seat of power.

I worked for a bit of a tyrant in an accounting firm back in the day. He got his way by yelling and bullying and people worked hard, while miserable, to avoid his wrath.

I have a friend who’s dad took “spare the rod and spoil the child” to beat the hell out of the kid, emasculate him in front of others and keep him scared. (My friend ended up with a drinking problem and is dead now, way too early.)

I grew up in a conservative church background with a preacher who told us not to kiss a girl until our wedding day if we wanted to stay in the good graces of God and away from temptation. He said he did it and that was best. Later, he had an affair with a secretary or something.

The book of wisdom references fear of God. It also talks about love. So, explain to me why we are supposed to fear a God who created us in His image, calls us heirs, allows His son to die for us. Explain to me why we are supposed to fear a God who planted a tree that changed the world. Why is fear so prevalent from the pulpits and church classrooms?

Is God manic? Does he really love us? Did he really send Jesus to the cross to shed grace far and wide? Or, is He that father of my friend who uses his belt and his anger to keep us in check? Remember, He is the same God who planted the tree. Was He just setting us up to knock us down? There’s more unpacking to do there for another time.

Fear opposes freedom. What does God want for us?

Fear crushes openness. What does God want for us?

Fear stifles generosity. What does God want for us?

I’m tired of living in fear. I have found freedom and it is life changing. I do not fear God. I do not fear a place called hell. I do not fear eternal punishment. Why? I believe God gave us freedom. To make choices for ourselves. To embrace grace for ourselves. To make mistakes and suffer the consequences (a living hell) for ourselves.

I am convinced God wants us to live in freedom to choose Him, to choose authenticity, to choose generosity, to choose…GRACE and LOVE and MERCY and COMPASSION…for ourselves and then for others.

I am tired of fear. I am laying it down brick by brick and living in freedom step by step.

Through Her Eyes

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life

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I was talking recently with a very special woman (“VSW”) the other day.  I was telling her my hurt and the pain I am feeling for time that has been lost with my son.  It is a very real, very physical pain but it is also a very real emotional pain.  I have an incredible relationship with him and my time with him has meant so much to me.  We talk.  We laugh.  We share food and stories and dreams.  We had a routine every Thursday night for almost 4 years where we ate dinner at the same restaurant and spent time together.  The routine of those Thursday nights became a part of what charged me up and edified me.  A teenage boy who wanted to spend time with his dad.  It was powerful.

Now it is all gone.  I have missed those Thursday nights for 7 months now.  I have missed so much of his last year in high school and in the town he has grown up in.  Those things are very hard for me.  This season of life has elicited tears and I am not afraid to say it has elicited bitter tears towards God.  He has the power to change everything and he has not done that in this season of my life.  The bitterness of the tears and some of my words to God during this season can be a little scary for a believer but I have held onto my faith and trust that God understands my pain and gives me grace while I wrestle with what I have lost.

Back to the conversation with the VSW.  She talked about what she sees through her eyes.  My dedication to coming back for his baseball games during the middle of the week.  My dedication to spending time with him on the weekends he is still with me.  She talked about lessons he is learning about doing what you have to do to support your kids/family even when it is very hard emotionally and physically.  And spiritually.  She talked about what he will learn and he will know as he grows as a man.  Through her eyes, she sees a different story, a better story, a story of good.  I admit, it is hard for me to see that story or appreciate it right now but as I think on her words, I do hope there has been something good coming from what has been very difficult for me.

She shared with me through her eyes and I still struggle with the truth of her words because of the pain.  The bitter tears.  Then, in my Bible reading, I came across Isaiah 38.  King Hezekiah is dying and God tells him that he will die.  Then scripture says this, “Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, “Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.”  He wept bitterly.  Did you catch that?  I sure did.  God told Hezekiah he would die and Hezekiah wept bitterly.  Wow!  There is someone I can identify with. 

So what did God do?  It may be important to note that in the preceding chapter, there is a story about God sending an angel to kill 185,000 bad guys.  God has the power to do some big things, good or bad.  So, what did God do about Hezekiah?  God granted him 15 extra years of life!  He heard Hezekiah’s request, he saw Hezekiah weep bitter tears and because of Hezekiah’s heart for God, granted him 15 more years.

Oh Lord, forgive my bitter tears.  Help me see my life more through her eyes than my own.  Oh Lord, let me see my life through your eyes too.  Speak to me Lord.  Make you voice clear and my mind and heart open to hear.

Hezekiah, after being granted life, wrote this: Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.  For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.  The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your faithfulness. (Isaiah 38:17-19)

I do not want to go down into the pit.  I want to live, to sing praises to God for deliverance, to gain his favor and the favor of men.  I want to see life through her eyes and through God’s eyes.  Surely this season has been for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  Now, I pray will all the fervor I can muster, that new life is right in front of me.

Grace and peace.

Guest Post

31 Saturday May 2014

Posted by in Life

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I’m borrowing a post of a good friend today who talks about his good friend.  It’s a story I need to be reminded about often.  How do I see life?  How do I see other people?  What is my viewpoint?

I want to see with God’s eyes.  I fail miserably most of the time but it doesn’t dampen the desire to see life through the eyes of God.  How much richer would this life be if I could have that kind of vision?

gsccwordfortoday.blogspot.com/2014/05/with-ink-of-his-life.html

I hope you enjoy it.

Grace and peace.

The Way I Am

20 Tuesday May 2014

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Last night I was having a conversation with someone close to me.  I’m an introvert so my close relationships go deep.  One of the pros and cons of this is that I invest in reading people.  I read their expressions, their words and their silence.  There are times that doing this leads me to good insights and understanding of their feelings.  Then there are times I read things into what I see or feel that goes beyond what they may be thinking or feeling.  I am learning that when I am an observer and the conversation isn’t about us, I’m generally right.  On the other hand, when the conversation is about us, I worry so much about hurting them or causing them any discomfort that I can go too far and overthink the situation.  It’s the way I am.  It’s the way God built me.  It can be one of my greatest strengths.  It can be one of my most trying weaknesses.

While I want to improve where I am weak, I am thankful for where I am strong.  I would rather be able to have my intuitive ability to read people, to know when they are hurting and to know when they are full of joy than to be without that ability.  All the while, I need to learn to calm myself when what is a gift God gave me becomes a weapon against me.  It’s the way I am.  It’s the way God built me.  I have to learn how to use the strength of it and harness the weakness of it so that I help others and myself.

I do build close relationships and when I become invested in someone, that investment runs to the core of my being.  The thought of hurting someone’s feelings (the way I felt last night) or doing damage to our relationship gnaws at my soul.  My initial reaction is to talk too much.  The secondary action is to run far away so they will not have to deal with me again.  Or maybe, so I won’t have to face the discomfort, hurt or pain I have caused.  The strength is in the deep connection I build.  The weakness is in my reaction to hurt.

I hear voices.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I hear voices.  Not audible but very powerful.  They tell me my relationships are tenuous.  That I do not do enough to make others happy.  It causes me to need lots of affirmation.  I would go so far as to say it makes me needy.  That’s not where I want to be and I am trying to listen to Godly wisdom from friends and counselors who tell me I am good enough.  I am far from perfect but they want me to just believe I am good enough.  For them.  For others.  For God.

I grew up in a production-oriented mindset.  You had to go to church 3 times a week to be good.  You had to be busy doing something, sometimes anything to be good.  If I wasn’t doing, I wasn’t good enough.  If I wasn’t doing enough, the right way, perfectly, then I really wasn’t good enough.  It’s a mindset that has followed me through various stages of life and still affects me today.  And, it’s affects can be damaging to me and others close to me.

The way I am isn’t the way I have to be.  I want to celebrate the strength of reading people and understanding what is going on behind the curtain.  At the same time, I want to drop the burden of guilt from feeling like I have to produce, that I have to be perfect, and that I have to receive continual affirmation.  I want to be mighty where I am strong and I want to be stronger where I am weak.

i hope the people who know me and love me will accept my strength and my flaws as the way I am and I hope they will gently continue to remind me I can be so much more.  I seek their prayers and their love.

God made me the way that I am.  I want to learn to celebrate that fact and celebrate my strengths.  I want to use them for good and I want to continue loving people the way that I do.  I want to love them so much that it hurts me when they hurt.  I want to love them so much that I am filled with blue skies and peaceful waters when they smile.  And, I want to be an asset to their lives.  I want to fill them up when they needing filling and I want to stand beside them when they need support and I want to celebrate with them every time there is the smallest of victories.

I go deep.  It’s the way I am.  Thank you God for giving me insight and recognition.  May I use it for your glory and never abuse it to my own end.

Grace and peace.

Can They Read My Mind?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

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Yesterday was a post about hard things.  Then I read a post on a blog I write for periodically and I wonder if someone is reading my mind.

In the Storm

In the sixth chapter of Mark, we see an amazing story. Jesus fed 5000 men with five loaves and two fish. After this miracle, He sent His disciples across the sea and went up on a mountain to pray.

A storm came and the disciples were struggling. Verse 48 says He saw them struggle, but did nothing. The disciples bailed and rowed for hours. Then Jesus went out on the sea but His intention was to pass them by. Only after they saw Him, did He rescue them.

This story is hard. Not because they were in a storm, but because Jesus knew about it and left them in it.

From the disciples’ point of view, there was nothing worse than a storm. And the proper response from God must be rescue. We are reminded of another storm when they said, “Do you not care if we perish?” From Jesus’ point of view, the storm was not all that important. What was important was the faith or lack of faith His disciples possessed. They had been in storms before. They were with Jesus when He stopped a storm. They had seen Him in the very act of creation when He fed the multitudes. They should have grown in faith and not been afraid.

Storms are for testing. They reveal where we put our confidence. If it is in our strength of rowing, we will surely be afraid.

If it is in Jesus, we will have faith.

Dear Heavenly Father, in my head I know you love me and always take care of me, but sometimes when the storms get rough, I forget. I know you love me but sometimes I forget. I know you have all power but sometimes I forget. I am tempted to believe that when I am in trouble, you either do not care or do not have the power to help. For this, I am sorry. Help me to remember there is at least one other alternative. That is you do love me and have the power to rescue me but know it is better for me to stay in the storm at least for now. Help me Father, to love you, praise you and trust you while I am in the storm. Help me to become what you want me to be. Help me to learn what you want me to learn. Help me to row, bail, pray and learn. In the name of Jesus, who rescues us from the storms and protects us in the storms. Amen.

Paul Shero

San Angelo, Texas

http://gsccwordfortoday.blogspot.com/2014/04/in-storm.html

Grace and peace.

It Goes Deep

09 Wednesday Apr 2014

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I used to think of myself as someone who could withstand pain.  I played through it in sports.  I challenged people to “games” of enduring pain and always walked away proud of myself for what I could take.  I thought I knew pain and had it whipped.

Then I met real pain.  A family lost.  Loneliness.  Silence.  The feeling of abandonment.  I met real pain and learned I am not so tough.  I have learned how deep pain can go and I have learned that there is no amount of mental effort I can exert that will make it easier or even bearable.  Real pain isn’t at the muscle level but at the heart and at the soul level.

As the pain has intensified, I have gone through a litany of emotions.  Anger with God.  Pleading with God.  Abandonment of faith.  Faith is all I have.  Hope.  Fear.  Failure.  Unworthy.  Loved.

I’ve called a couple of close friends lately and let them know I feel like I’m at the end of the rope.  One prayed with me that I would hear a new word from God soon.  My current situation causes me to shed lots of tears, to SCREAM out in pain that goes deep, into the core of my being.  That prayer from my friend and the next day I’m on a call that is giving me hope.  I don’t know that it’s the way out of my pain but it was a conversation that led me to believe there is hope, that there is a new and brighter day coming.  It cannot come soon enough because each day that I wake up, I want to hide under the covers and not face the day ahead of me.  There are a couple of situations I can pinpoint as the cause and there is no easy away around them.  So I pray for a new word, a new outlook, a new understanding of where God is leading me.  I pray it will be a journey out of this pain and into the light, into the sunshine and cool breeze.  I pray it will be a walk that is closer with God and closer with someone I love dearly and with my closest and best of friends.

This pain goes so deep and it hurts constantly.  No amount of Advil or alcohol could take it away.  Only God can.  Only God can take me somewhere that allows me to feel renewed and revived and pain free.  I read something today that said God is closest to us in the darkness, that is where his power is most evident.  I long to see it and pray he will give me relief very, very soon.  The pain is deep.  It is crushing my spirit.

It is because I know this pain that I can imagine what it is like to live without it, to live in the pure and total joy of God, to soak in the blessings he has without these things that attempt to destroy me.  I want to live a life full and free with his purpose for me as the guiding light and to revel in the unburdened freedom of his love for me.  I want it because I know that feeling of freedom and love goes deep.  I know it can and will go to the core of my being.  I know that it will fill me up and I pray that I will overflow from the deepest recesses of my being with the joy that comes from being a child of God and walking in his goodness.

Grace and peace.

The Difficulty of Silence

09 Thursday May 2013

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I’ve wrestled with the silence of God for awhile.  I have wrestled with it through a divorce.  I am wrestling with it through a job search.  It’s been a lot of years with a lot of silence.  I don’t understand.

Today I was reading through the blog of a man I don’t know.  What I do know is that he just lost his wife and he has friends who love him, hurt with him and mourn with him.  And I came across the following post.  I hope he hears God through this dark time.

I hope I hear God soon.

http://keithbrenton.com/2013/04/16/when-god-is-silent/

Grace and peace.

What Is God Up To?

08 Wednesday May 2013

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I want to be a peacemaker.  On Saturday I will graduate with a Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution and Reconciliation.  It is something I have worked hard at doing well and worked hard to receive and maybe the greatest thing I have done related to the passion of my heart.  And my life is full of turmoil.

I have walked hard roads.  Self-imposed at times.  As a victim of circumstances at times.  Recently I have suffered through a divorce that has been devastation at best, debilitating at worst.  Currently I am technically unemployed and watching my bank account drop (I have had some consulting works that keeps me floating).  Turmoil.

I was talking with a friend today who was sharing the Acts 16 story of Paul and Silas sharing the gospel and winding up in jail, flogged but still singing and praising God.  That’s when a thought struck me.  Does God want me to understand turmoil so I can better understand God’s peace?  To be a peacemaker, does God want me to understand the absence of peace or, at least, the attacks against peace?

Maybe so.  Maybe He has something planned for me that will rock my socks, that will allow me to live a life of passion and significance using what I am learning today in what seems like a walk through the wilderness.

I don’t know the plan.  I don’t know the time.  I am trusting God does and it will all fall together and the exact right time.  Then I will say, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Grace and peace.