Tag Archives: God

And then there’s the new day…

30 Tuesday Apr 2013

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Darkness before the dawn?  Rain before the sunshine?  Storm before the calm?

I’m in a place in life I don’t understand and I don’t particularly care for.  At least in my way of thinking.  Today, I keep wondering what God is thinking.  His ways are not my ways.  His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I was reading Jesus Calling (thank you Sarah Young!) this morning and this sentence is hanging with me, “The secret of being thankful is learning to see everything from My perspective.”  Seeing things thorough God’s perspective is a gift I haven’t mastered yet.  I can look back and see it but seeing it in the here and now is difficult.  I told a friend the other day I wish God would hand me the script so I would know the ending and then I would patiently wait.  Of course, that’s probably not true either.

As I sit here today, trying to understand God’s perspective, I try to remember that He didn’t give me a journey of living in the Middle East, He didn’t give me the journey of a crippling disease, He didn’t give me the journey of being imprisoned, He didn’t give me a lot of journeys that seem so hard.  On the other hand, He is giving me a journey of waiting and wondering.  How long?  Will I be able to meet the obligations, financial and otherwise, I told people I would meet?  Today, waiting and wondering is my journey.  And I will be thankful this day.  That doesn’t mean I won’t miss some of the good things He has put in my life or that I won’t feel loneliness or sadness.  It just means in those times today, I will try to stop and see it from God’s perspective and try to understand what He wants me to see and feel and know today.

I share my scariest thoughts here but it is good for me to release them.  Today, I want to release those scary thoughts into God’s hands and see what He wants to do with them and with me.

Grace and peace.

I’m So Confused

10 Wednesday Apr 2013

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I’ve seen some blog/social media posts that leave me confused by their conflicting messages.  First was the message to always be knocking on doors to find the one God will open.  The opposing post said that sometimes God wants us to kick the door down and get through it.  So how do I know when to knock and when to kick?  What happens if I kick a door down I was supposed to knock on.  The second was a message to be on my knees in prayer, asking God for direction and wisdom.  The opposing post said God answers prayers when I am out serving him.  So when am I supposed to be on my knees and when am I supposed to be out serving to receive answer to prayers.

Here’s the deal as far as I see it.  Opinions are just like, well, there are a lot of opinions out there.  The opinions I am most skeptical of are the opinions offered without request and these include the opinions that sound great on social media boards.  How often are people who are diligently searching for God confused because they don’t know if they should be on their knees knocking or on their feet kicking?

If someone were to ask me, I’d say I serve God when in motion and listen to God when I’m still.  How often do you find yourself hearing what others are saying when you are active or busy?  I can tell you I need to be still to really listen, to focus, to hear deeply.  And that is how I want when I am in the presence of God, to listen and hear Him deep in my being.

I guess I need to be more careful when sharing words of wisdom on Facebook or Twitter.  It could be that the wisdom I share is confusing as that hot place we talk about to the next person.

I don’t want to be confused when it comes to hearing God’s message and seeking His will.

Grace and peace.

The End of Other’s Lessons

06 Wednesday Feb 2013

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Someone I wish I knew better recently responded to a blog about a situation that I can identify with in many ways.  When we look at our battles, we can look around and see others who face tougher battles, at least in our eyes, and who do so with grace.  They teach us lessons that are valuable.

Yet, they are only lessons.

As I’ve journeyed through my dark valleys, I have had many who marched beside me and who have taught me many valuable lessons.  They have helped me to see my situation in a different light.

They helped me see the lessons.

I have found the comfort of others and the lessons they teach only last so long because, at some point, I am back in the muck and the mess of my life and I have to LIVE it.  The listening, seeing and understanding of problems can teach me lessons but I have to LIVE the lessons.  I have to decide to trust God or not trust God.  I have to decide to live gratefully or live fearfully.  I have to decide to press on or draw back.  I have to decide how I WILL LIVE the rest of my days.  And do it!

I can decide today that I will live gratefully but that doesn’t mean I’ll still be living that way tomorrow.  It’s another decision I have to make.

I’m thankful for the stories of others, for their encouragement, for their lessons, for their faith in me to share what they know.  Very thankful.  But at some point I come to the end of other’s lessons and have to make the decision for myself of how I will live this day and how I will take on the obstacles and share in the victories.

From Jesus Calling on February 6…

Come to me and rest.  I am all about you, to bless and restore.  Breathe Me in with each breath.  The way just ahead of you is very steep.  Slow down and cling tigthly to My hand.  I am teaching you a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship.

Learned only by hardship.  By me.  That’s exciting (heavy sarcasm intended).

My lessons have to be my own.  Lived out by me.  I much rather live my life through other people’s stories but it doesn’t work that way.  Today, I will choose to cling to the hand of God, to prepare to take the steep path with Him giving me strength.  And I ask Him for the strength to keep making that decision in the days to come.

Grace and peace.

Moving Past “Sorta’ Grateful”

18 Friday Jan 2013

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I believe it is important, no, imperative to be grateful for what God has given me.  But it ain’t easy being grateful.  Bills are coming due.  Some are already late.  I’m cutting back.  And then cutting back some more.  But, I still want to enjoy time with my kids going out to eat, going to movies, doing fun stuff.  Spending the money scares me because bills are coming due.  I have a mortgage that won’t get paid by reselling aluminum cans.  A kid in college.  Two kids driving cars, needing gas and insurance.

Today I read Psalm 118.  Give thanks to the Lord.  His love endures forever.  I read Philippians 4 too.  Don’t be anxious but ask the Lord for anything.

Oh God, I don’t need riches.  I only need follow you.  I only need to seek your desires for me.  But, I do have these things I like, these things I’m comfortable with, these things I feel like I need to provide my children, these things I want to do too.  I lay it at your feet Lord.  I have walked into so many fires Lord and you have led me out of them.  Sure, there are wounds that still hurt and there are scars but I chose to walk into the fire and you still pulled me out of it.  Lord, remind me that you have provided more than I can understand and that you will continue to provide.  I know it may not be the way I see it or imagine it Lord so I pray with boldness that you do more than I can possibly imagine.  Lord, forgive me when my gratefulness wavers.  It’s a fault and one I want to work on.  I want a heart of thanksgiving and joy for simply being your child and whatever comes with that this day.  I don’t want to be sorta’ grateful, God.  I want to be abounding in gratefulness and thanksgiving.  Thank you for your patience as I work to get there.  Heal my wounds.  Cover my scars.  Open my eyes to avoid the next fire.  Open my heart to all that you can pour into it.  Cover me in peace.  Amen.

Grace and peace to you.

Surely

07 Monday Jan 2013

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Surely the Lord is in this place.

I am in Abilene, Texas to attend a week of classes for my Masters program at Abilene Christian University.  I love this place.  I got settled in my room and went for a walk around campus.  It was an interesting walk with me pleading with God to straighten out my employment status and lead me to transform my heart status (spiritual, not physical) I also begin to feel His presence.  As I approached the statue of Jacob’s Ladder, I felt it even more and I began to pray that one day, sooner or later, that I’ll be a part of this school and campus in some way.  I love being around students.  I love being around people who are striving to grow.  I love being in this place where I feel God’s presence.

I’m not over the struggles I wrote about Saturday.  In fact, they are still very real and very painful but I appreciate the time I had today, the time where I asked God to cover me in His presence and He did.  I hope I keep on feeling it, all week, every day, every minute.  In the meantime, I will keep reminding myself that God is in this place even when I was not aware of Him.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2028&version=NIV

Grace and peace.

This Present Moment

05 Saturday Jan 2013

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I hear much teaching about living in the present moment.  Don’t dwell on the past too much.  Don’t worry about the future too much.  Live fully today.

Today I’m crying.  Buckets full of tears.

In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains.  In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined.  I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort.  Only the pain of loss and of being alone.  I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment.  A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized.  Today, it is massive.  As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more.  More time.  More touching.  More voices.  In this present moment, I am hurting.  And crying.  I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.

In this present moment, I am hurting.  I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing.  The bills don’t quit coming.  The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming.  The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.

This present moment is filled with sadness.  And hurt.  And anger.  I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses.  Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold.  It feels the same way within me.

Will there be better days?  I expect so.  Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them?  I hope so.  Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)?  Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time?  Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment.  That’s just life.  My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”.  People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing.  Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself.  I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.

I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard.  Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment.  Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey.  I take these times hard.  I do.  It’s who I am.  And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am.  Maybe that’s the lesson.  Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of.  This vessel that is me is weak and fragile.  Well, so be it but I want my kids back.  I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them.  One more meal.  Oh how I long for that moment.

In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt.  I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go.  I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on.  I will go back amidst the tears.  I will prepare to leave amidst the pain.  I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight.  All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly.  I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days.  I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.

If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal.  I just want it all today.  Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan.  I just want it now.  Know the tears will dry and I expect better days.  It’s just not what I’m feeling right now.  Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness.  I just want it in this moment.  Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop.  I just want to be out of the valley now.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart.  Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.

Grace and peace.

Word Harder, Work Faster

30 Sunday Dec 2012

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The words of the title were words of advice the Managing Partner of a CPA firm I once worked for gave me during the closing days of tax season.  Work harder, work faster.  Isn’t this the mantra of our day, of our society?  Work, work, work, Do more, more, more.  Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.  I have been taught that the value of my life was in my production.  At church.  And at work.  And in relationships.

This is a post from my good friend, David Lewis.  It’s not about production through more work but through peace.  I love it and share it hoping it is a post I will come back to again and again.

http://themannaman.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/slow-down-you-move-too-fast/

Slow down.  Find peace.  Enjoy it.  Live in it.

Grace and peace.

Off the Reservation

29 Saturday Dec 2012

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OK, since I’m not really telling any of my friends about this blog, it’s a good time for me to get this out in the open.  I’m intrigued with Buddhism.  Intrigued may not be the right word but I haven’t given time to a study of Buddhist teaching yet but intend to.

NO, I’m not becoming a Buddhist in the sense that I’m leaving Christianity.  In fact, what little I know so far about Buddhist teaching only enhances my Christ-following walk.  Buddhist aren’t afraid to talk about suffering and pain and how to move through and past suffering and pain.  That’s what I really, really like about them.  They teach living in the present moment and accepting all that comes with it, both good and bad.  Sound like any of Christ’s teachings?  I appreciate the idea of Karma because I’ve read that you reap what you sow.  I appreciate the teachings about the present moment because I’ve read not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of it’s own.  I appreciate the teachings about enduring suffering and moving past it because Christ died for my eternal soul, not just what I am doing today.  I appreciate the teaching and practice of meditation because God said, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Buddhists are good at living out what they teach whereas I’ve grown up in a Christian environment where I have been taught to work harder and study less.

In the upcoming weeks, I’ll be using some guest posts to share what’s going on in my mind.  Remember, these are for me so if you don’t like it I hope you’ll at least take some time to think about what is being said.

Yes, I’m venturing off the reservation on which I’ve grown up but like so many I have found there is a world outside the bubble that teaches things of great benefit to me to help me on my journey to grow closer to God and closer to peace within myself.

Grace and peace.

Where Is God?

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

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Where is God?  It’s the easy question to ask after what just happened in Newtown, Connecticut.  Where is God?

Some would say our problems start with prayer not being a part of the daily school routine.  Really?  I would say that God IS in schools when He is in in the heart and actions of those in the schools.  I would say that prayer exists in schools when believers take the time to pray – alone or with group of people.

I can’t help but wonder how many people railing against prayer being taken out of school allow their children to spend their time on the X-Box and PS3 playing Call of Duty or Hitman or Grand Theft Auto.  Where is God in that?  Where is God in spending hours on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest?  Where is God on HBO or TNT or most of the network channels?  Where is God in the lyrics of so many of the songs being played over and over.

I am not saying that any of these activities are bad in and of themselves (well, some of the video games are over the top, song lyrics are reprehensible and TV shows full of smut) and some of these things offer opportunities for fellowship where God can be exalted (think Duck Dynasty on A&E!).

The point is, God is wherever we invite Him to be.  God is in our midst whether we are reading the Bible or overindulging at the bar.  God is in our midst whether times are great and we don’t really need him or we are confused and baffled over why 20 children are murdered and we don’t know why He didn’t prevent it.  God is always in our presence.  The question may be do we always seek God so that we can live in His presence?

Grace and peace.

Power

13 Thursday Dec 2012

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It’s something so many of us want.  It’s something that cripples so many.  It’s something that can be a great tool.  It’s something that can be a debilitating weapon.  Power.

I have had power and I have been subjected to power.  I have used it well and I have misused it.  I have been encouraged by it and I have cowered under it.  Power.

Today I wrestle with the power of the emotion of fear.  I am in a vulnerable place where I can choose to cling to faith or live in fear.  I feel like I am losing the battle today, that fear is winning.  I see the collision of all the worst things I can imagine for my life and I see it all playing out.  I wilt under the idea of a great punishment.

Maybe I am simply being dramatic.

I have shared my feelings with a couple of people over the past 3 days and have varied responses.  One was from someone more fearful of my position than I have been.  That certainly had an impact on how I have seen things.  Another believes there is a plan, a way things will work out and I am in the the process of the plan.  Another believes I need to do more to change my situation.  In all these things I try to understand how I feel, what I want to do now, what I want to do next, where I believe I am being led.  In all the wondering, the door opens for fear to creep in and use it’s power to beat me down, to weaken my faith, to lose hope.  The power of fear can make me stop in my tracks, for hours or days, and just imagine that my world is unraveling.

Maybe my world is unraveling.  The virtue of being able to write is that admitting to my fear and it’s power over me, I can almost feel myself releasing the fear and looking at the words that friends have written on Twitter, not directly to me but, that have spoken directly to me.  Last night a friend was encouraging me to be bold in my faith while another person I follow on Twitter wrote, “one of our greatest temptations is to reduce God to the size of our biggest failures.”  (Jonathon Storment)  Wow, that hit me right between the eyes.

I want the rest of this day to be lived in the power of God’s work in my life.  It won’t be easy and even God says it won’t.  The power of fear is ever-present, lurking, ready to suck me in.  I make the choice of whether to give in to the fear or live in faith.  I am calling on God this day to help me, to show me a sign but even if He doesn’t I plan to choose to believe He is here, He is at work, He has a plan for me.  (Ephesians 2:10)

Grace and peace.