Tag Archives: grace

So Many Questions

16 Tuesday May 2023

Posted by in Letting God Out of the Box

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

As I walked through the valley of divorce and separation from my children on a daily basis, my mind. and my heart got dark. Separation from them was the hardest part of the journey from divorce to healing to life again. Losing my family nearly sent me over a steep cliff and learning to live with that separation was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

That time in my life started a series of two things. First was a way of talking to God that most would call blasphemous. Second was a series of questions most would call blasphemous. You can see where my heart and mind were. Yet through it all, with the help of friends,

So, strap in and hold on for the first one. My kids would come over every other weekend. Well, one kid did and the other was hit or miss because they were a bit mad at me I believe and certainly mad at the situation. They would leave on Sunday evening to be back to their mother’s house by the legally appointed time. About 15 minutes after they left, I would find myself on my knees, wailing and alternatively cussing at God like a drunken sailor (yes, cussing, using all the 4 letter words and making up several as I went along) and asking Him to take my life. This went on for a few months.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell one of my guys (I’ll have to tell you about my 7 and my 14 and my 21 some time) who was trained in a preaching school and a part time missionary. I thought who better to confess to and be told I was on the fast track to hell (when I believed there was such a place…more to come). Instead, my dear friend and brother said, “good!” What do you mean good, I asked. “Who are you talking to? God. Do you think he is so small he cannot handle your heartache?”

That was a relationship changing point in time for me. I had spent so much of my life thinking God was so small that my mistakes/failings/sins, whatever you want to call them, was damaging to Him. I thought He was petty and hated me for the things I had done and was doing. My brother allowed me to see a God bigger than I could/can imagine who hurts for me and is humored by my small mindedness.

That led to questions that have continued to grow and build and challenge what I have been taught all my life. It started with questions about heaven and hell and would God really separate His creation. It led to questioning how the Bible has been used for all these years, taking small snippets out of a large story to prove a point and create a rule book instead of a book full of wisdom for living our best life. It led to questions about why the Holy Spirit, the third leg of the Trinity, is seldom discussed. Why in the world would we indignantly ignore the other part of God given to us to counsel us, to speak to us while using a book of ancient writings as the sacred rules for today’s living? Bizarre. It led to questions of why I have never, ever, heard a sermon on the importance of the second great command…to love ourselves. Remember? What is the greatest command? To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second one is like it, to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Where has that teaching been? What, what? Loving ourselves comes right along with loving God in order of importance? Who knew (because they ain’t sharing that one from the pulpit)? And, what about grace. Is it freely given to all or limited to those who have cracked the code and properly interpreted the rule book (yes, that book that is written in multiple translations because no one can agree and has spawned so many churches interpreting things slightly different from one another.) Is grace really grace or is it parceled out to some and not others? Or what about the tree in the garden? Was it put there to give us choice (am I saying that God is pro-choice?) or was it put there to trip us up and cause the downfall of man so God could beat the crap out of us? Is he all knowing and had a plan to get us out of our messes or just a sadistic son of gun ready to drop the hammer? And, if God is the same yesterday and today, from before time to infinity, why did He change the rules from the Ten Commandments to Christ’s expansion of them in the Sermon on the Mount?

Yes, I have questions and…this is crazy…believe the Holy Spirit is providing answers and the answers aren’t what mainline churches want to hear or discuss. I know because I’ve had the conversations with several pastors and only two of them still want to have lunch with me regularly. The questions are dangerous because they expand God’s love, His freedom, His allowance of choice while covering me in grace and allow me to see a bigger God, one who is not concerned with the pettiness of rules but offering me wisdom on how to live a good, happy, simple fulfilling life. I have come to see “sin” as a hurt I create for myself. What we label as sin are things I do that make my life harder than it should be, more miserable than it should be with consequences that are painful for me and for those around me at times. Choosing to follow the wisdom of God makes life a lot easier, less painful and more carefree.

Oh yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions.

Leaving Fear Behind

10 Wednesday May 2023

Posted by in Letting God Out of the Box

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, ,

I posted this earlier today on social media (and received no responses…not surprising)

Any organization that uses fear as a primary motivator will not last. Fear only works until people are tired of being afraid. This applies to families, business, religion, and country. People want freedom, not fear.

In America, we brag about our freedoms while our politicians brandish fear cajoling us to hate the other side because they only want bad things for the country and for us. Meanwhile, they have affairs with staffers and sell their votes to the highest bidder or biggest voting bloc to keep their seat of power.

I worked for a bit of a tyrant in an accounting firm back in the day. He got his way by yelling and bullying and people worked hard, while miserable, to avoid his wrath.

I have a friend who’s dad took “spare the rod and spoil the child” to beat the hell out of the kid, emasculate him in front of others and keep him scared. (My friend ended up with a drinking problem and is dead now, way too early.)

I grew up in a conservative church background with a preacher who told us not to kiss a girl until our wedding day if we wanted to stay in the good graces of God and away from temptation. He said he did it and that was best. Later, he had an affair with a secretary or something.

The book of wisdom references fear of God. It also talks about love. So, explain to me why we are supposed to fear a God who created us in His image, calls us heirs, allows His son to die for us. Explain to me why we are supposed to fear a God who planted a tree that changed the world. Why is fear so prevalent from the pulpits and church classrooms?

Is God manic? Does he really love us? Did he really send Jesus to the cross to shed grace far and wide? Or, is He that father of my friend who uses his belt and his anger to keep us in check? Remember, He is the same God who planted the tree. Was He just setting us up to knock us down? There’s more unpacking to do there for another time.

Fear opposes freedom. What does God want for us?

Fear crushes openness. What does God want for us?

Fear stifles generosity. What does God want for us?

I’m tired of living in fear. I have found freedom and it is life changing. I do not fear God. I do not fear a place called hell. I do not fear eternal punishment. Why? I believe God gave us freedom. To make choices for ourselves. To embrace grace for ourselves. To make mistakes and suffer the consequences (a living hell) for ourselves.

I am convinced God wants us to live in freedom to choose Him, to choose authenticity, to choose generosity, to choose…GRACE and LOVE and MERCY and COMPASSION…for ourselves and then for others.

I am tired of fear. I am laying it down brick by brick and living in freedom step by step.

Welcome Back!

14 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , ,

It’s been awhile since I was in this space.  Lots has happened and lots have thoughts have crossed my mind.  I hope over the next few weeks to let them process and form words for my posts.

I got married!  She is a beautiful woman and her inner beauty radiates to the world around her.  I have told her and will continue to tell her that God gave me a priceless gift when she entered my life.  She is a special woman and she fills me up in so many ways.

The day was beautiful.  Simply breathtaking.  A cool, crisp morning with plenty of sunshine.  It was an outdoor wedding held at a friends house and they made it an incredible, unforgettable event.  All of our friends use the same word to describe the day, the setting, the food, the mood…PERFECT!  I have incredible friends.  I feel so blessed to have people in my life who care about me.  The love I get from them is not merited and yet given so freely.  Grace in action!  So, love was the theme of the day.

I have had 7 guys who have walked through hell with me the past several years.  They have listened to me ramble, let me cry, gave me direction, prayed with me and over me, laughed, cussed and help me stand when I wanted to fall.  They have given me strength and they were all there for the wedding.  It meant the world to me and I have a picture with all of them that I will treasure forever.

My bride walked out and I was WOWED!  All over again.  The first thing I said was, “you are beautiful” quickly followed by “will you marry me?”  My heart was sparked all over again like it was the first time I had seen her.

OK, so I can gush on forever.  Needless to say, she and I have had to overcome some obstacles together and there are more to come but I am confident she is the one for me.  I feel like we are the two pieces of the puzzle you put together to form a beautiful work of art.  As I sit here now, I have an overwhelming sense of thanksgiving for this part of my life, for her and for the people who love me deeply.  I live in abundance.

Grace and peace.

Me Being Me

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

For a good part of my life I haven’t really liked myself.  I haven’t liked my body type.  I haven’t liked my job.  I haven’t liked the way I let people run over me.  I haven’t liked a lot of things about me.  The way I handled it was to pour myself into something and/or pour a lot of something into me.

Since going through a divorce some 4 years ago, I have found counseling through 3 different Christian counselors.  One moved away and I still use the other 2 and all of them have put good thoughts and good habits into my life.  One of my current counselors addresses my need for self-compassionate talk.  Not a rah-rah, oh-don’t-you-feel-good-about-yourself fluff talk but an honest look at who I am, my relationships and all that I have accomplished.  The other talks to me about my perfectionist tendencies and my ability to berate myself for any reason.  I also have a VSW (and now fiancee) in my life who reinforces what these people say on a regular basis.

At almost 50 years of age, I am finally learning to be okay with me.  I am accepting my imperfections and I am allowing myself to see the relationships I have built.  If I am honest with myself, the vast majority of the relationships I have see my imperfections and love me in spite of them and because of them.  My tendency to let the 1 or 2 people who choose to always point out the negative affect how I see myself is fading behind the viewpoints of my VSW and my true friends.

I am grateful to be surrounded by a host of loving people and I hope each day going forward God will remind me that I am his masterpiece and allow the words of my friends soak into my being.  I want to step away from the perfectionist and see the perfection in an imperfect world that allows me to be me.  God is alive and working through my VSW and others and I am humbled and grateful.

And getting to a good place with me being me.  🙂

Grace and peace.

What’s Your Sign Say?

30 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Christian Living

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I drove by a church the other day that said, “Atheists have believing in their future.”  While I believe that is true, I wonder if that is the message we should be sending atheists.

What about today?  Do they need to believe today?  If so, what is our message to them?  Is “believe today” good enough?

The trouble with signs is they make a place for cute messages but the message often isn’t the one Christ gave.  He said to love.

Love is kind.  Are our signs always kind are do they come across as warnings, or worse, snippy messages.

Love is patient.  Sure, the sign said believing is in their future so patience is afforded in that comment.  However, will we be patient with them?

Love believes all things.  Do we think our cute signs will be the change people need or do we believe that, through love, Christ will work through us for His purpose.  Does that require a sign or a relationship?

I get the purpose of the sign and I understand the church is trying to do a good thing but I hope they will speak and act in love more than in messages on a board.

Love requires patience, love is kind, love believes in people because they are all children of God.  Love is active and constant and takes work.  Love requires relationship and relationship is what truly leads to Christ.

Grace and peace.

The Dent

27 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by in Christian Living, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

I have driven on ice in Texas for the past 35 years and never had a dent or ding to my vehicle.  My dad taught me to drive on ice when I was 15.  He had been stationed in Greenland in the Air Force so he knew all about ice driving and shared it with me.  They were lessons that have paid dividends over the years so that I’ve never missed a day of work or had any injuries due to ice.  Slow and steady wins the race on those days.

Last Thursday, we had ice on the ground when I came to work.  No problems for me.  I was in my office when the receptionist came in and told me a coworker had run into my truck and wanted me to come outside.  Well, sure enough, the lady was trying to pull into a spot close to me and slid right into my back door.  Man, she felt horrible.  She told everyone at work about it, put it on Facebook and apologized to me multiple times.  I constantly reminded her it was only metal.  No people were hurt and that was all that was important.  Three other people at work came and asked me if I was okay.  Of course, I said.  I only felt bad for my coworker who never meant to cause harm and was only doing her best to be a good employee.

Life is like that.  We go for years and nothing too bad happens and then someone dings us even when they didn’t mean to.  It makes me wonder how many times I have dinged other people emotionally or spiritually without meaning to do it…and may have been completely oblivious to it.

Insurance will pay for the damage.  It will be fixed and we’ll both go on.  No blood, no foul.  It isn’t always that easy with the emotional and spiritual damage we cause.  Sometimes those dents last a long, long time.  I pray for heapings of grace and mercy when I have run into someone else without meaning to and even more grace and mercy when I did it knowing I could choose another path.

I’m thankful Christ has already paid the insurance bill for the dents I cause.

Grace and peace.

When Bad is Good

15 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

,

Relationships are hard work.  I’m in a role at work where I am trying to help two owners work through some deep and serious disagreements.  I don’t know if they will be willing to back up and talk to each other again and it’s all because of disagreements that communication months ago could have fixed.  I’ve been in a marriage where it was hard work and the marriage failed.  Sometimes bad things just go bad.

I’ve recently been exposed to a situation where one party didn’t underderstand another.  Misunderstandings can sometimes be created by expectations placed on another person without communication.  And, that’s exactly what happened in the situation.  One party expected something from the other.  The second party wanted something different.    The next day the first party was still down in the dumps.  Not angry or mad, just dejected.

That’s when the call came.  The second party called and asked if something was wrong.  The first party tried to blow it off.  He knew part of his issue was his own expectations of what he wanted.  They second party then started probing and before long figured out there was an expectation that wasn’t met.  Here’s what the second party said next, “I’m so sorry, I was focused on what I wanted and didn’t try to see it from your point view nor did I ask.  Please forgive me.”  Well, what can the first party say except yes unless they want to be a real horses behind.

Here’s the cool part.  As the first party is relaying this to me, he makes this comment.  “Knowing the other party actually cared enough to call me and find out and then apologize made me realize two things.  First, I had put my expectation on them without communicating it.  Second, I was thinking of what I wanted more than what they wanted.  Now I feel closer to them than before.”

A bad situation and the resulting open communication made the relationship better.  Good can come out of bad after all.  Good can come out of anything.  Look at lives around you, lives that have been broken, dreams crushed, families torn apart, heartache and hurt, financial struggle…the bad situations are plenty.  Yet, when we look close we can often find something good coming out of the bad.  As a believer, I have seen how God works.  His son, hanging on a cross was horrific but the world was given forgiveness through that bad experience.

Good can come out of bad.  The question is whether we will lay our pride and our desires down to accept what is good or will we hang on to the bad with bitterness and anger.  It’s our choice.  My friend is celebrating a deeper and more meaningful relationship because there was communication and because both parties chose to lay down their armor, give up their protection and seek peace through their vulnerability.

Grace and peace.

A Night With Spiritual Giants

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I’ve missed many days and have much ground to cover.  The summary is that I’ve taken a job in Central Texas and am spending my first week in a new place where I know no one.  It is a lonely existence for a guy who usually doesn’t suffer from loneliness.  Maybe it’s just knowing my friends and family were close and now I am in a foreign land alone.  Anyhoo…

Last night I decided to go to church on a Wednesday for the first time in a year.  Honestly, I believe the Holy Spirit said “we’re going to church tonight” and I just followed.  I showed up knowing no one and wondering what it would be like.  A nice gentleman greeted me when I walked in, told me about the 1 Corinthians class (looked like the median age would be 70), a marriage class (maybe someday) and a class for people involved in a addiction rehab treatment.  Well that peaked my interest for sure.

Over the past few years, I’ve developed a heart for the homeless and for people who keep getting run over by problems they can’t control and don’t know how to deal with it.  The addicts certainly fall in that category.  I know enough about turning to the wrong things to ease your pain to understand how hard it can be for lots of people.  So, I approached the class with a little trepidation and great interest.

Wow!  I didn’t know I was entering a room with people who would speak deeply into my heart, who would bring tears to my eyes, who would encourage me so much.  There were probably 50 or more people there, coming to a place where (in their own words) they have felt loved and accepted like no place else.

Avery looks to be in her early 50’s but could be younger.  She’s been addicted for years and in and out of prison numerous times.  She’s completed the rehab program, living in an apartment on her own and loving God.  The teacher played Chris Tomlin’s Amazing Grace and you could see the truth of it on her face.  To listen to her talk about grace blew me away and I knew I was in the midst of a spiritual giant.  To here her talk about finally spending a Thanksgiving with her family because they are letting her back into their life now that she is clean is a story of grace and mercy that pierces the heart.

Megan finishes the program next Tuesday and will move away.  She also looks older than her years, streetwise and her words convey very hard years and huge mistakes.  She also talks about grace and how the Holy Spirit speaks to her and does it in ways that make you forget anything else is happening and all you can see and hear is Megan and her love for God.

Bobby looks to be late 20’s/early 30’s.  He’s hard and tattoo’d but his words make me want to crumble.  My job is taking me away from my son and our Thursday night ritual. I may miss a few baseball games.  It is KILLING me.  My stomach is in knots every time I think of the days I may not get to see him I normally would.  Bobby hasn’t seen his kids in 3 years.  CPS took them and he doesn’t know where they are.  He is hurting.  He wants to get his life on track and he wants to see his kids.  Oh Lord, remind me of Bobby often so I will pray over him and his recovery and I will remember the blessings I do have.

I sat in a room of addicts last night and prayed that I will one day have their faith and their knowledge of God’s word.  Even more, I prayed I would have their faith in God’s grace for my life.  They are spiritual giants and the Holy Spirit led me into their presence to hear Good News I needed to be reminded of last night.

Grace and peace.

Paul and Me

18 Monday Mar 2013

Posted by in Christian Living, Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

I’m sure it would have been cool to hang out with the Beatles.  Or the Rolling Stones.  Motley Crue.  Willie.  Mumford and Sons.  You get the idea.  How often I thought it would be fun to hang out with the rich and famous and live their lifestyle for awhile.

Maybe I’m on the verge of crazy but…

I wish I could hang out with Paul.  Paul who was Saul.  Paul who was jailed and beaten.  Paul who had unusual strength.  Paul who may have been more famous in his time than any of those listed above.

I’ve recently reconnected with a friend who encourages me in my blogging.  When we used to see each other more, my life was very different.  It looked good on the outside and I hid the blemishes well.  (Blemishes is a pretty way of saying catastrophic failings.)  Now, the “blemishes” are better known and have been exposed.  I want to reconnect with him, share things I have learned and how it is shaping me and soak up what I can from what he has learned from his journey.

Yesterday, I was thinking about Paul and me.  I can’t really fathom what Paul went through but when I read his writings, I feel connected and I think it is one piece of scripture that I read that gives me the feeling we are linked.  Maybe I see myself worse than I am.  Maybe I see myself just as I am.  Whatever, if he asks where I see myself now, I would reference Paul’s first letter to Timothy, the first chapter and verses 12-17.

Paul says he is the worst of sinners.  Maybe, but I sure think I can give him a run for his money.  Sure, he may have stoned some people and had others put to death physically.  I think I have done that to people emotionally, or God forbid, spiritually.  I connect with Paul when he says he is the worst but that isn’t why I love this passage of his writing.  It’s the rest of the story because it gives me great hope.  So often I am mired in my past.  Jesus is fixated on today…and what He is calling me to in the days to come.  Paul knew that.  I want to know it too.  I want to live in it, revel in it, reap joy in abundance in the knowledge of God’s grace and mercy and love.

It’s a journey; a journey I hope to travel with my buddy Paul, walking in the footsteps of my Savior.

Grace and peace.

Here’s part of Paul’s letter from The Message (emphasis mine).

15-19 Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I’m proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever.

Deep honor and bright glory
to the King of All Time—
One God, Immortal, Invisible,
ever and always. Oh, yes!

Quote

Lance & Grace

16 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Christian Living, Life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, ,

I hear Lance Armstrong is coming clean.  OK, who hasn’t heard about it unless they’ve been living in a cave?  This guy has done everything he could to deny the accusations that he was doping while competing in bicycle races.  Supposedly, he has threatened people, sued people, lied about people and who knows what else.  Armstrong is going to be analyzed, re-analyzed, psycho-analyzed and everything else you can think of.  Questions will be asked over and over why he did it and there will be so many reasons and ideas offered up by a lot of people who do not know the guy.  He will be cast as an evil person full of lies.  He will have more advice offered on how to live his life and more contempt showered on him than 1,000 people should have to endure.

Lance has all these problems and I look at this life and his lies and think “I’ve done so much more wrong, so much more evil, so much more hurtful acts” than Lance Armstrong could ever do.  Wow, what would happen if I had to go on Oprah and answer questions?  What if God gave her a list of questions to ask?  YIKES!

I hope Lance will come to know grace.  I don’t know what his thoughts on God are but I pray that Christ-followers will remember the grace that has been extended to them and will “forgive as God forgave you” (Colossians 3).

Grace is a beautiful thing.  It’s hard for me to accept but I still see the beauty in it.  I hope Lance Armstrong is overwhelmed with grace.  Not that he will have the bans removed or get anything back from what has been taken away, but that he can move forward and use his life story to move forward and help others.  Grace is a beautiful thing.

Grace and peace.