Tag Archives: hope

Quit Hitting Me In The Head

22 Tuesday Jul 2014

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I feel like I am in a boxing movie where one opponent keeps getting knocked to the ground by the other opponent after being hit in the head.  The referee is counting and it looks like the downed opponent is out until he struggles to his feet, is given a second to get reoriented and then starts throwing and taking punches again.  Sometimes, the same guy gets knocked down over and over always managing to get back on his feet.  In the case of Rocky Balboa (I forget which of the Rocky movies it was in), he gets up and wins the fight.  I hope that is how my battle will play out but right now I feel like I’m still in the knock down/get up routine.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

I havent’ read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning but I want to.  Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” resonates today.  Most people who encounter me today will not know the turmoil that is raging on the inside.  A few select people who know me well get the raw, unvarnished truth but most see me going about my business and never realize the pain on the inside.

Recently, I have been intentional to think about people and things I am thankful for.  The challenge is that many of those people/things are not close to me and while I am thankful for them, I am also cut off from them.  It’s a tough balance.  Maybe no balance at all.  The truth, for me, is that I cannot pretend to be happy within my own mind.  I can’t tell myself to be happy and make it so when my days and nights are often accompanied with loneliness and separation.  The kicker is that I am OK with that.  I am willing to accept my current state as a bad one.  Knowing it is bad allows my inner strength to go to work.  My inner strength at work allows me to keep pushing through when I would rather quit.

I don’t know how Frankl made it through his struggles.  I would not want them and mine seem far simpler comparatively.  Still, these struggles are hard for me but I am pushing through believing there are things on the other side of this worth working towards.  I forget who said, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how” but it has truth in it.  I have the why so I keep going, keep hoping, keep striving.  I hope I can look back on this one day and remember when…

Grace and peace.

Have a Good Day

21 Monday Jul 2014

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Sometimes, this is just life.

 

 

 

funny

Sometimes the day just doesn’t go my way.  I have to remind myself from time to time that it is not the events that matter as much as my response to them.  I do not have to like the event or enjoy the event but I do have to accept it and decide what response I will choose.  Sometimes my response comes from weakness and I throw lots of self-pity around.  Sometimes my response comes from strength and I accept whatever happens and do the best I can to respond and keep moving forward.  Sometimes my response is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs of strengths and weaknesses.

My VSW made a statement today that is bouncing around in my head.  “I want to live thankfully.”  What a noble goal.  I am proud of her and thankful for her because I struggle to live thankfully.  I accept so much of the muck that gets dumped on me and do the best I can but still fail to seek the things to be thankful for.  For her.  For family.  For friends.  For hope.  For faith.  For Jesus.

Today I will do my best to try and be more thankful.  It isn’t always easy because I am in a situation that has pulled me away from the people I am most thankful for.  Even though they are not close, they are still a part of my life and I am thankful for that.  I may not do it perfectly, just the best I can.  I won’t expect more of myself than I can give but be thankful for what I can give to being thankful.  That will be enough.

Lord, I am thankful for you and for what you have and can do in my life.  I pray for a big change and I pray it comes today.  I also thank you for VSW for all she means, all she pours into me and the hope she gives me for brighter days.

Grace and peace.

Where Do You Go From Rock Bottom?

16 Wednesday Jul 2014

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I recently ate at a place called Rock Bottom.  It was pretty good food and the server was good and it made for a positive experience overall.  The name, Rock Bottom, is stuck in my head today but it has nothing to do with food.  I feel like I have been to rock bottom before and some recent events make me feel like I am there again in one part of my life.  My financial situation is stark.  I am close to rock bottom and I honestly do not know the way out.  Oh sure, I know some steps I need to take but I cannot fathom the whole picture right now.  The whole picture.  That is one of my challenges at times as a perfectionist and it can hinder me from getting to where I need to be financially (as well as spiritually and emotionally).

I am fortunate because I have the love of a VSW.  She is a rock and she inspires me to keep my chin up and keep slugging.  She listens to me when I am down and stays level even though I know it is hard for her to hear what I have to say at times.  She is a special gift.  I also read this quote today and it made me think of her, our relationship and my current financial position.

“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create [expansive or entrapping] realities over and over.” ~Hope Bradford

I can create the reality that life is over, doomed, at rock bottom and never to return or I can choose to face the facts, accept them and look for the changes I can make to get where I want to be.  It starts with me.  I take responsibility for where I am today.  While there are many factors that have affected my current position, there are also many choices I have made that have led me here today.  So, I get to start choosing how to reverse this situation.  No doubt a better job will help.  No doubt cutting some unavoidable expenses will help.  No doubt there are many places I can trim but there are also some obligations I have that I cannot avoid.  It’s a big ball of stuff and I can control what I can control.

Today I am choosing to create a reality that says my life is hard but there are good things I will continue to fight for and there are obstacles I will continue to overcome.  I am choosing that reality but it doesn’t mean I will not struggle along the way and I accept that too.  My reality is not “I will do this or else” but “I will do the best I can today” and stay positive that things will change as I put in the effort to change them, as I rely on people around me to help and certainly as a pray for wisdom and guidance and revelation.

I have created many bad realities.  I do it to other people as well as myself.  Today I want to break that mold and move forward with hope.  There may be tears along the way and I may stumble and fall but the reality is I will keep going forward no matter what comes my way.  I have too much to live for, too much to fight for, too much that is good and worthy.  I am learning that from a VSW and I am thankful she is the one in my life who is radiating that hope into me.

Thank you God for struggles that make us rely on you and the people you put in our lives to help.  Thank you for the gift you have given me and the gifts I trust you will continue to give me.  Thank you for the greatest gift, your Son.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

The Horn

15 Tuesday Jul 2014

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I was in Chicago over the weekend and one thing you notice is the incessant noise.  Sirens.  People.  Horns.  Lots and lots of people honking their horns.  Agitated.  Impatient.  They all want to get through a light or to the next block and people are in their way.  So they honk.  And honk.  And honk.

I was listening to all the honking while trying to enjoy a vacation.  I wanted to slow down so I could soak in time with my VSW, her son, and the food and sights of Chicago.  It was a good weekend and we did get to see lots of interesting things and learn more about the city and what makes it rich in history and food.

It was good but the noise was ever-present.  On the Chicago Architectural Foundation boat cruise, the tour guide was interrupted several times by sirens, loud music and trains passing overhead on bridges.  It was a nice, peaceful boat ride accompanied by lots of noise.

It struck me how life is so much like my trip to Chicago.  I want life to be nice and relaxing.  I want time with family, a peaceful place to work and achieve, time with friends, time to exercise, time to explore and see new sights.  I get some of that but it is so often interrupted or encumbered with noise.  The reality of life is that there is lots of noise around me and it makes it difficult at times to relax or concentrate on what I really want.  Noise from bill collectors.  Noise from people who want what they want when they want it and don’t really care about me or my needs or wants.  And the voices…oh, the voices that tell me I am less than I want to be.  The voices that try to derail my dreams, my hopes and my goals.

Truth is, if I want a quiet place I have to create it.  The noise isn’t going to stop for me so I have to learn to get away from the noise.  I have done it in the past but today I seem to be in a much noisier place than I’ve ever known and it is hard to get away from it all.  God calls me to quiet time with him but, honestly, I give him some time and it is still filled with noise.  This morning I stopped and restarted prayers 2 or 3 times because my mind would drift based on the noise that was filtering in.

I want to control the noise but I can’t so I must learn to adapt to it and find my own way to put it in the background.  It is a work in progress, just like the rest of me.  I haven’t reached where I want to be but I continue to seek a path to peace and quiet so I can hear what I need to hear and fill my mind with what it really needs to be filled with.

Oh Lord, help me.  Give me strength when I am weak and give me peace when the noise is overwhelming.  Give me courage to fight the battles for my time with you and give me patience so I do not add to the noise.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

Easier Said Than Done

07 Monday Jul 2014

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Last week I was relaying the story of the Israelites in Exodus 14 to a friend.  I think he is in a place where he has been still waiting on God and now it is time for him to move.  It appears God is ready to part the Red Sea for him but he is still sitting still instead of moving to action so he can cross on dry land.  Granted, I may not know the whole story because he may not have shared every detail but it has put that story back on my mind because of my situation.

Today, I am an Israelite grumbling to Moses about God.  I am frustrated that God has brought me out into the desert and I feel like I am about to be crushed by financial and emotional issues.  I am frustrated because I could have stayed where I was, captive but comfortable.  God took the Israelites out of slavery and led them on a journey.  He gets them next to the Red Sea and the Egyptians are coming for them.  The Israelites cry out that they were better off enslaved than killed in the desert.  I am feeling the same thing.  I am also wrong, just like they were at that time.

What happened next was amazing.  Moses told them to trust in God for deliverance and God ends up parting the Red Sea for them to cross to safety.  After they cross between two huge walls of water and are safe, God allows the Egyptians into that space and drowns them giving the Israelites safety and space.

My patience is thin.  Too thin.  I believe God will do great things for me but I find myself grumbling in the desert right now.  I want the sea parted on my terms and in my timing.

Oh Lord, please speak the words over me you had Moses speak over the Israelites.  YHWH, wrap me in your arms so I feel your presence and know you are fighting for me.  Lord, give me peace that is unexplainable and show me your greatness and power and love and grace.  Oh Lord, I am weak and I ask for these things today in my weakness but I will still trust in you and know your timing is right and good.

Grace and peace.

FREEDOM!!!!!!

03 Thursday Jul 2014

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This weekend for Americans is a time of celebrating freedom.  It is one of our holidays where we celebrate the freedoms we have had (albeit changing all the time) and remembering those who have given so much for our freedom.  I know few people who don’t want freedom.  As a kid I couldn’t wait until I could drive so I could have freedom.  As a college student, I couldn’t wait until I could get a job and live on my own and enjoy my freedom.  As an adult, I hope for a financial windfall so I can get out of debt and do whatever I want to do with my financial freedom.

One of my favorite movies is Braveheart starring Mel Gibson as William Wallace.  Wallace was a brave man fighting for freedom for his country and his life.  In the end he is captured and killed.  Right before he is executed, he shouts “FREEDOM!!!!”  so those all around could hear his dying word was the hope he had given his life for.

Freedom isn’t free.

Today, i was greeted with an email with the following prayer…

“Father, today I come boldly to You. Thank You for giving me life through Your Son, Jesus.  I surrender every area of my heart to You and ask that You make me whole and complete. Set me free and show me the keys to every blessing You have for me in Jesus’ name.  Amen.” – Joel and Victoria Osteen

A price has been paid for my freedom in eternity but I still seek freedom in this life.  Freedom from worry.  Freedom from fear.  Freedom from insecurity.  Freedom from financial pain.  Freedom from emotional strife.  Freedom to live with expectation and excitement.  Freedom to live seeing the world from a lens of hope and compassion.  Freedom to be able to live in a way I can minister to the hurting and the hungry and the poor and the lost.  Oh God, I cry out for the freedom you can provide me.

I have to remember that freedom isn’t free.  As the prayer says, I need to surrender some things that I hold on to.  I need to surrender my security blankets and my ways of how things should be and open myself to what God wants but it’s not easy.  The freedom I want comes with a price.

Lord, today I recognize I want things my way instead of yours.  Today I want to renounce the insecurities of opening my heart to you and others.  Lord, I am making a decision to remove those insecurities from my mind, to let go and throw them out into the cold.  Today, I replace those thoughts with these; that you love me and that you want to provide me a full and joy-filled life, that you have my best interests at heart today and forever and that I can trust in you to provide all I need.  Father, I call on you to deliver me from what holds me down and give me a life of freedom.  I ask for that right now, this day Father.  I believe in your power.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

What’s Up With Prayer

30 Monday Jun 2014

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I was talking to my VSW (that’s Very Special Woman for those of you may be new) about prayer yesterday.  I don’t think I have met anyone who fully understands it.  I struggle at various times with wondering if what I am praying about is what God wants to hear.  I also struggle with asking God for wisdom and revelation and still feeling ignorant and blind.  Today, I got an email from a friend that had a message from a famous preacher on TV these days.  While I don’t always agree with the famous preachers theology, I also do not believe I have a corner on understanding the ways of God.  So, I read and listen and seek things that apply to what I know or what I want to know better.  Anyway, the email included this prayer…

Father, thank You for placing dreams and desires in my heart. I trust that You are at work to bring them to pass even when I can’t see it, even when it’s taking longer than I thought. I know that You are faithful, and I trust You completely in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now, I’m in a place in my life where I am wondering what the next step for me should be.  Stay?  Go?  Pursue the dreams of my heart?  Or is it too late for that?  Or is it just the right time?  I’m asking all those questions and get this prayer in an email today.  Hmm.

In a few minutes I will have some windshield time.  I need to make a couple of phone calls but will also do some praying…and hopefully some listening.  Today could be a big day.  I have a meeting that could be big in the next step of where I am headed.  Or, it could just be a little more gasoline burned in the pursuit of something I don’t see or understand completely.

Whatever.  I don’t really know what I am doing but I keep doing the things I know or think I should be doing.  God knows the desires of my heart right now.  Are they in line with his desires for me?  I guess that is what I am trying to figure out.  Or here from him.  I hope today I will get some wisdom and revelation.  And peace.

Grace and peace.

Parenting

25 Wednesday Jun 2014

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Parenting is on my mind today.  The joys of parenting.  The struggles of parenting.  The victories and the failure of parenting.

I was talking with a good friend last night who was struggling with their role and effectiveness as a parent.  It conjured up so many thoughts I have had as a parent.  I wish I knew then what I know now and even now I feel like a ineffective, incompetent parent at times.  I look at my kids and know I did a pretty good job.  That’s hard to say because I look at so many things I wish I had done differently and wonder how they survived me but I think most parents, like me, can see the failings of our actions/inactions better than we can the victories.

I wish I hadn’t been as hard on my kids as I was at times.  I wish I hadn’t lost my temper like I did too many times.  I wish I would have turned them to scripture more for positive teaching instead of focusing on what they did wrong.  I wish I had been a better example with fewer (well, actually with zero) failings and missteps.  I wish I would have enjoyed the good times more, done more things with them, made more time for them and created better memories.  I say all that and my kids have never told me I didn’t do enough of the good or too much of the bad.

As I think about me as a parent, I also think about God and my journey with him.  As a parent I tried to never make my kids do something or punish them without explanation.  God doesn’t work that way so much.  I’m in a situation now where I’m not sure if he’s trying to teach me something, punishing me for something or a combination of both.  Whatever it is he’s doing, he is doing it without explanation.  I don’t know why I’m going through this season or what I am supposed to learn from it.  Those are no-no’s in the parenting world on this earth.  I think God calls it faith.

I have faith but also keep asking God to reveal to me the reasons and the plan to move out of this season and into a new one.  I’m ready for a fresh start.  Of course, I have some thoughts on how the fresh start should look and I’m not sure if God agrees but I hope he will consider my hopes and dreams knowing I want to walk in his will.

Parenting isn’t easy.  While God is God, he is still dealing with some imperfect children…and imperfect parents.  Please God, give us more revelation as a parent and as a child.  Love us through the hard times and the good times.  Guide us and protect us.  Give us the best of what you have for us Lord.

Grace and peace.

Through Her Eyes

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

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I was talking recently with a very special woman (“VSW”) the other day.  I was telling her my hurt and the pain I am feeling for time that has been lost with my son.  It is a very real, very physical pain but it is also a very real emotional pain.  I have an incredible relationship with him and my time with him has meant so much to me.  We talk.  We laugh.  We share food and stories and dreams.  We had a routine every Thursday night for almost 4 years where we ate dinner at the same restaurant and spent time together.  The routine of those Thursday nights became a part of what charged me up and edified me.  A teenage boy who wanted to spend time with his dad.  It was powerful.

Now it is all gone.  I have missed those Thursday nights for 7 months now.  I have missed so much of his last year in high school and in the town he has grown up in.  Those things are very hard for me.  This season of life has elicited tears and I am not afraid to say it has elicited bitter tears towards God.  He has the power to change everything and he has not done that in this season of my life.  The bitterness of the tears and some of my words to God during this season can be a little scary for a believer but I have held onto my faith and trust that God understands my pain and gives me grace while I wrestle with what I have lost.

Back to the conversation with the VSW.  She talked about what she sees through her eyes.  My dedication to coming back for his baseball games during the middle of the week.  My dedication to spending time with him on the weekends he is still with me.  She talked about lessons he is learning about doing what you have to do to support your kids/family even when it is very hard emotionally and physically.  And spiritually.  She talked about what he will learn and he will know as he grows as a man.  Through her eyes, she sees a different story, a better story, a story of good.  I admit, it is hard for me to see that story or appreciate it right now but as I think on her words, I do hope there has been something good coming from what has been very difficult for me.

She shared with me through her eyes and I still struggle with the truth of her words because of the pain.  The bitter tears.  Then, in my Bible reading, I came across Isaiah 38.  King Hezekiah is dying and God tells him that he will die.  Then scripture says this, “Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, “Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.”  He wept bitterly.  Did you catch that?  I sure did.  God told Hezekiah he would die and Hezekiah wept bitterly.  Wow!  There is someone I can identify with. 

So what did God do?  It may be important to note that in the preceding chapter, there is a story about God sending an angel to kill 185,000 bad guys.  God has the power to do some big things, good or bad.  So, what did God do about Hezekiah?  God granted him 15 extra years of life!  He heard Hezekiah’s request, he saw Hezekiah weep bitter tears and because of Hezekiah’s heart for God, granted him 15 more years.

Oh Lord, forgive my bitter tears.  Help me see my life more through her eyes than my own.  Oh Lord, let me see my life through your eyes too.  Speak to me Lord.  Make you voice clear and my mind and heart open to hear.

Hezekiah, after being granted life, wrote this: Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.  For the grave cannot praise you, death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for your faithfulness.  The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; parents tell their children about your faithfulness. (Isaiah 38:17-19)

I do not want to go down into the pit.  I want to live, to sing praises to God for deliverance, to gain his favor and the favor of men.  I want to see life through her eyes and through God’s eyes.  Surely this season has been for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.  Now, I pray will all the fervor I can muster, that new life is right in front of me.

Grace and peace.

Glimpses

11 Wednesday Jun 2014

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“The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I have a good friend who has suggested I read Tolle’s work.  Maybe I will soon.  What I know about Tolle is that he, like many others, is big on the present moment.  Being present in the good and bad of the moment.  Being present in the pain and opportunity of the moment.  Being present is something that I have not done a good job of the last few months and certainly have struggled with in the last few weeks and days.  I am struggling to find the good in my present situation because what I want is out of my reach.  I am struggling to lay down what I want for what I have at the moment.

I read the Tolle quote this morning and then read a post from another friend.  Alice is the mother of Tato.  Tato had a skiing accident and suffered potential paralysis.  I read today that he just passed his driving test and is able to use his feet for the gas and brake and will not have to rely on hand controls.  He drove from Austin to East Texas.  This is a kid who many thought would never walk again.

Alice’s post was about Tato wanting to watch old home movies and it reminded Alice of all the plans she made and the family made for what they thought their future would look like.  Grow up in a good home, go to college, get a good job, raise a family.  The regular stuff for many people.  Then, BAM!  A freak accident.  A complete change to live as they knew it.  An ever increasing trust and faith.  Today, she posted this verse from Proverbs 16:9:

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.

I had plans for my life and they looked nothing like what my life is today.  I planned my course and along the way I have had several BAMS!  My faith has grown.  My hope has grown.  I do not know what the future looks like and I am hesitant to lay out plans.  I cry out to the Lord, to YHWH, to open my eyes and show me the steps he is establishing.  Of course, my faith is weak and my hope wavers and I want to see all the steps, all of them until I am dead, but that isn’t they way God works.

One day at a time.  All I have is the present moment.

Oh Lord, Jehovah-Jireh, all I have is today.  You hold the keys to tomorrow.  Show me the steps I should take today.  Give me wisdom to know what you want me to do and where you want to lead me.  This is my prayer.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
• Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of The LORD (YHWH) in the land of the living. Wait for The LORD (YHWH); be strong and take heart and wait for The LORD (YHWH). – Psalms 27:13-14

Grace and peace.