Tag Archives: hope

Where You Been?

28 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I took a blogging holiday.  Sort of.  The truth is, I went through a few dark weeks.  I listened to the demons.  I saw the negative in everything.  It was dark.

It happens to me every so often.  I should say, I let it happen every so often.  My best friend in college called it my “dark mood” and said he made sure to stay away for a couple of weeks.  I was angry at God.  I was angry at the postman.  I was angry at the parking lot attendant.  I was angry with where I’m living.  I was angry at the guy in the fast food line.  Seriously, how many questions are there to ask at Taco Bell?

Then it happened.  “It” was a word from a friend.  “It” was a reminder that he loved me and saw the best in me no matter what I was going through.  “It” was another friend at church who said he loved me and he had hope that we would celebrate the trip out of the valley and darkness.  “It” was a wonderful woman who couldn’t fully understand why I acted the way I did but loved me anyway and stood by me.

I have been blessed with a host of friends.  I don’t know why they like me and stick by me but they do.  The closest of the close stick by me when the dark moods come and when my outlook is all about poor, pitiful me.  They don’t see the ugliness I exhibit on the outside, they only choose to see what they know is on the inside which is a better me, a positive me, a loving me.  They choose who they see and they treat me like the person I want to be instead of the person I’m acting out to be.

Where I’ve been was dark and ugly and I am so thankful that I have the people in my life who grab hold of me, prop me up and slowly walk me forward into the light and the hope of a new day.

Grace and peace.

Then There’s That…

05 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

It’s National Signing Day and the Red Hot Chili Peppers were miming at the Super Bowl but there’s two other stories I’m focused on over exploiting young men for money (schools make lots off the sweat of these kids) and pre-recorded music (I just happen to listen to pre-recorded music everyday since my truck isn’t big enough to load up the band for a live performance).

First, CVS is going to drop the sale of cigarettes.  Let me rephrase that.  CVS is going to drop $1,500,000,000 in annual sales.  Yes, that’s billions of dollars.  It’s important to know the next thing I’m going to say is a little hypocritical but here goes.  Guess where I’m going to start buying my medicines and shopping more?  Yes, CVS!  Sure, I’ll still shop at Wal-Mart that sells cigarettes and Little Debbie snack cakes that taste so good but don’t really help a Type 2 Diabetic in the long term but I’ll take more of my dollars to CVS than I have in the past.  Good on them for standing up for what they believe is right.

Second story, Ken Ham and Bill Nye debating creationism.  I didn’t hear the debate and didn’t know about it until this morning.  I read a TIME article and then started reading the comments.  Lots of non-believers weighing in on the fallacy of the Bible and pointing out many of the things we believers wish we didn’t have to think about (slavery, God taking lives, why and OT and NT if it’s all perfect) at times.  So, why do I have faith and someone else doesn’t.  Why, in all my struggles, through divorce and financial turmoil, do I still pray to God even when I’m angry with Him and another guy doesn’t believe at all who is in the same boat.  Or, someone who is doing much better off than me?  The Bible isn’t a perfect book for people who want to believe in something they can understand.  It’s only a perfect book for those of us who choose to believe in something we cannot comprehend.  My faith is constantly tested and I cannot explain why I continue to walk in faith to someone who wants a logical answer.  It’s just not logical.  To curse God and walk away seems much more logical to me.  Yet, I choose faith.

Oh Lord, I want Jesus to come and come soon.  I don’t seek death, I simply seek Heaven and life where there is no more pain, no more night, where existence is utter joy and complete peace.

Grace and peace.

What’s Your Sign Say?

30 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Christian Living

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I drove by a church the other day that said, “Atheists have believing in their future.”  While I believe that is true, I wonder if that is the message we should be sending atheists.

What about today?  Do they need to believe today?  If so, what is our message to them?  Is “believe today” good enough?

The trouble with signs is they make a place for cute messages but the message often isn’t the one Christ gave.  He said to love.

Love is kind.  Are our signs always kind are do they come across as warnings, or worse, snippy messages.

Love is patient.  Sure, the sign said believing is in their future so patience is afforded in that comment.  However, will we be patient with them?

Love believes all things.  Do we think our cute signs will be the change people need or do we believe that, through love, Christ will work through us for His purpose.  Does that require a sign or a relationship?

I get the purpose of the sign and I understand the church is trying to do a good thing but I hope they will speak and act in love more than in messages on a board.

Love requires patience, love is kind, love believes in people because they are all children of God.  Love is active and constant and takes work.  Love requires relationship and relationship is what truly leads to Christ.

Grace and peace.

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out.  It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them.  What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick.  I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better.  Then it happened.  The quick race to the bathroom.  The pain inside.  Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief.  The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this.  Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out.  Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight.  I went wide open and it came flowing out.  I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage.  I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story.  I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time.  Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known.  My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was.  Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone?  I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden.  I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own.  It’s out there.  It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating.  Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy.  Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in.  I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night.  And I feel good.

Grace and peace.

When Whining Doesn’t Work

07 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I’ve been reading and listening to Dr. Brene Brown a lot recently.  She has some incredible research on shame, vulnerability and fear and I’m soaking it all in.  One of her comments is that her “gift” is to research and understand these areas because it puts joy, happiness and love in context for her.  I feel that statement describes me perfectly.  I seem to enjoy looking at suffering and the pain of life events, not to dwell in the darkness but to appreciate the context of light.

So, I sit here, in a foreign place away from friends and family and love and wonder why?  Why me?  Why here?  Why now?

And then, I read a blog where the author writes about peace in uncertainty and how we can thrive in uncertain times.  HEY LADY, can’t I just whine for a while?

A close friend sends me an email with Joshua 1:8 in a note and it leads me to my Bible where I’ve highlighted Joshua 1:9.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.

Today is one of those days I’m led to see light in context, to see goodness in the midst of hurt, to feel hope when I’m down.  Tomorrow night I start a class at church I’ve been waiting for, one that I believe will rock my world and turn me upside down and inside out.  I think I’m in this time and place for different reasons, one certainly being what I believe I’ll experience over the next 7-8 Wednesday nights.

I say I whine but really I think I just feel authentic pain in my situation.  Then a day like today comes along and I see the pain in context and know I am allowed to see pain so I can empathize with others; and I’m allowed to see light so I can promise those in pain there is hope.

Grace and peace.

A Night With Spiritual Giants

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I’ve missed many days and have much ground to cover.  The summary is that I’ve taken a job in Central Texas and am spending my first week in a new place where I know no one.  It is a lonely existence for a guy who usually doesn’t suffer from loneliness.  Maybe it’s just knowing my friends and family were close and now I am in a foreign land alone.  Anyhoo…

Last night I decided to go to church on a Wednesday for the first time in a year.  Honestly, I believe the Holy Spirit said “we’re going to church tonight” and I just followed.  I showed up knowing no one and wondering what it would be like.  A nice gentleman greeted me when I walked in, told me about the 1 Corinthians class (looked like the median age would be 70), a marriage class (maybe someday) and a class for people involved in a addiction rehab treatment.  Well that peaked my interest for sure.

Over the past few years, I’ve developed a heart for the homeless and for people who keep getting run over by problems they can’t control and don’t know how to deal with it.  The addicts certainly fall in that category.  I know enough about turning to the wrong things to ease your pain to understand how hard it can be for lots of people.  So, I approached the class with a little trepidation and great interest.

Wow!  I didn’t know I was entering a room with people who would speak deeply into my heart, who would bring tears to my eyes, who would encourage me so much.  There were probably 50 or more people there, coming to a place where (in their own words) they have felt loved and accepted like no place else.

Avery looks to be in her early 50’s but could be younger.  She’s been addicted for years and in and out of prison numerous times.  She’s completed the rehab program, living in an apartment on her own and loving God.  The teacher played Chris Tomlin’s Amazing Grace and you could see the truth of it on her face.  To listen to her talk about grace blew me away and I knew I was in the midst of a spiritual giant.  To here her talk about finally spending a Thanksgiving with her family because they are letting her back into their life now that she is clean is a story of grace and mercy that pierces the heart.

Megan finishes the program next Tuesday and will move away.  She also looks older than her years, streetwise and her words convey very hard years and huge mistakes.  She also talks about grace and how the Holy Spirit speaks to her and does it in ways that make you forget anything else is happening and all you can see and hear is Megan and her love for God.

Bobby looks to be late 20’s/early 30’s.  He’s hard and tattoo’d but his words make me want to crumble.  My job is taking me away from my son and our Thursday night ritual. I may miss a few baseball games.  It is KILLING me.  My stomach is in knots every time I think of the days I may not get to see him I normally would.  Bobby hasn’t seen his kids in 3 years.  CPS took them and he doesn’t know where they are.  He is hurting.  He wants to get his life on track and he wants to see his kids.  Oh Lord, remind me of Bobby often so I will pray over him and his recovery and I will remember the blessings I do have.

I sat in a room of addicts last night and prayed that I will one day have their faith and their knowledge of God’s word.  Even more, I prayed I would have their faith in God’s grace for my life.  They are spiritual giants and the Holy Spirit led me into their presence to hear Good News I needed to be reminded of last night.

Grace and peace.

The Lesson

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

It’s Thanksgiving Day and it’s a day I’m struggling to give thanks.  I know, in reality, my life is really pretty good compared with most of the world but the pain I feel is the greatest pain I know.  Some family issues are hurting my heart today.  They will pass and I will get over them but today they hurt.

So I get an email the other day with a link to this video.  It’s a good listen with a good message.  It’s a lesson I needed and need this day.  I’m working on leaving the pain behind and being grateful.  I’m one who carries my pain longer than I should – it’s just who I am.  I’m also one who wants to live more gratefully.  To choose to experience joy and happiness.  I appreciate the lesson I got in this video.

Grace and peace.

http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful.html?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2013-11-27

Desperate

02 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , ,

There are times I hear a song and it just resonates.  Fireflight’s “Desperate” did just that thing.

I’m in a “job transition” or what is commonly known as being without a job.  Money is tight.  It’s easy for fear of the future to run high.  Can I support my children?  Will I lose my house?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Lots of why questions to God.  I try to keep my faith up and eyes up and heart right with God but it isn’t easy.  Failure is easy.  Failing to remain hopeful and trusting.  Failing to maintain self control.  Failing to think God remembers me or cares about me.  I certainly get words of encouragement but words don’t pay college tuition and doesn’t stop bill collectors from calling.  Then I hear this song and it’s a new voice of understanding and a new rope to grab for strength.

Seek and you will find, they say
but I’ve been looking everyday,
for a way past this wall that’s in front of my face.
I’m on hands and knees searching for my faith

I know there’s so much at stake,
but I don’t know if I can take one more pat on the back saying I’ll be okay
Can’t you see my whole life is in disarray

You’ve got me desperate.

I know You hear me,
Would You give me a sign
Reel me in before I’ve fallen in line.
You’ve put me on a path I don’t understand
I’m standing on a ledge waving my hands

You’ve got me desperate (do You see me)
Desperate (do You hear me)
Desperate (will You help me)
You’ve got me desperate

I know You’re my only hope
The only One who truly knows how it feels, what it’s like when it all starts to fall
You’re the One I can trust, who hears when I call.

You’ve got me desperate

Grace and peace.

Weekend Recovery

13 Monday May 2013

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

What a weekend.  My daughter came home from college and I graduated from college.

It’s so good to see my children.  They bless me in so many ways and I really can’t get enough time with them.  Every time they are with me I wish we had more time, had talked about more things.  I worry that I don’t always say the things I need to say, to go as deep as I need to go, to teach them what I need to teach them.  On the other hand, there is only so far a dad can go without an open invitation.  I hope my life, the highs and the lows, are teaching them about patience, steadfastness and the ability to get back up when you’ve been knocked down – whether by your own mistakes or the actions of someone else.

I am a Master!  I graduated with a Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution and Reconciliation.  I have not created world peace yet but it’s on my list of things to do.

Now I’m back to consulting work, job hunting and thinking about how to position a new blog, a potential book and a new life journey.  It’s good to have something to do.  Along with that, I keep trying to understand God and His work in my life.  I’m trying to better understand patience, hope, hearing God and when I am supposed to act and when I am supposed to be still.  If I can figure all that out, I’m going to be in a really good place.  I continue in prayer that He will make His paths clear with neon lights, that I will not be able to escape the sound of His voice in whatever form I need to hear it and that He will put me on the right path, soon, so that I can be active and fulfilled in the work He has planned for me.

Grace and peace.

Quotes

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life, peace

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I’ve read a couple of things yesterday that I want to post and have to go back to.

“The hardest thing in the world is to be where we are.” – Rowan Williams 

How true is this?  I want to be somewhere else most of the time.  When I had a job, I wanted to be somewhere else.  Now that I’m looking for a job, I want to be somewhere else.  I’m learning a lot about living in the present moment…and APPRECIATING the present moment for what it is and what God wants to reveal in it.  It reminds me of something a friend said to me not long ago, “the grass is greenest where we water it.”

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    apart from you I have no good thing.” – Psalms 16:2 

All that I have can disappear in a flash.  My house.  My stuff.  My relationships.  Oh, how I fear losing those things but what do they mean if I’m not walking with God in this present moment?  My struggle today is that I feel like I am putting my full trust and faith in God and may still end up losing some of these things but they are not important in the long term.  My relationship and faith in God is, however.

“This is where you are meant to live – in the present; it is the place where I always await you.  Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.” – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young 

Interesting that I read this on the same day I was reading Psalms 16.  Does God want me to get something through my head?  The challenge is that I believe I am living more and more in that dependency but I keep expecting to see answers to my prayers in that living.  Maybe I’m not fully dependent yet?  Or maybe I’m still in training.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I want to live more like a disciple of Christ but, man, it is hard for me to do much of the time.

“Rejection is the most painful wound you will ever receive because it is the most painful wound God ever experienced.” ~Robert Morris -Gateway Church

Rejection.  Wow.  Rejection by employers.  Rejection by friends.  Rejection by spouses.  Rejection of ideas and hopes and dreams.  I like to tell myself I handle rejection well but I just bottle it up and put it on a shelf.  Then, when a situation comes up that reminds me of the old wound, I go open the bottle and drink from it so I can build walls and protect myself from the possibility of more rejection.  I’m so thankful God doesn’t deal with rejection like I do.  I pray I can begin to deal with rejection more like God does.

I’m learning to live a different life.  I’m learning to see things differently.  I wish I knew where it was all headed.  I’m impatient.  An old friend, Jerry Meade, once told me that God is slow…at least in our version of time.  One more thing for me to accept and work out in my own life.  Be patient.  Have faith.  Quit trying to fit God in my box of how things should look.  Tough stuff.  And yet, hope and faith are all I have right now.  All I have is hope in Him and His power to do great things through me.  Let that be enough for today.

Another friend gave me one of those rubber bracelets once that said “MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH.”  I wish I still had that bracelet.  Instead, I will try to keep that thought in my head all day today.

Grace and peace.