Tag Archives: hope

Silence

16 Tuesday Apr 2013

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My friends know that when they don’t hear from me, something is wrong.  Not in the sense that something bad has happened to me physically but that I am emotionally and/or spiritually unraveling.  I like silence but usually am not silent with my closest friends for long.  Silence for more than a couple of days sends up red flags to those people.  It’s not good.

It makes me wonder what happens when God is silent.  Does that indicate things are not good?  I ask because I’m not hearing anything from God right now.  He may be screaming at me but for some reason I’m hearing nothing.  Zero.  Nada.  Zilch.

I need to hear something.  I’m terrified right now.  God is silent and my emotions are way out on the edge.  I’m blowing up at nothing, at people I love, at anything that moves.  I’m battling through it and I’m forcing myself to reach out to some folks right now, seeking prayers from some and advice from others and both from a few.

I pray I hear God’s voice soon.  Or see a sign.  I just want to know He remembers me.

Grace and peace.

Lessons from Gus

11 Monday Mar 2013

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Last week, I was fortunate to be a participant in Abilene Christian University’s Conference on Peace.  I was able to share some things I have learned about peacemaking and heard several stories from some people doing great things to bring peace in the world.  One of the things I shared was one of the many lessons I learn from my dog, Gus.

One of the truths about peace is that it comes through conflict.  Big surprise, right?  As I listened to stories about conflict, I was struck by how it affects relationships.  And this is where my story about Gus came into the mix and generated several comments afterwards.

Gus is a great dog, friendly and sweet.  He’s is easy to love and pet.  He’s also a puppy, prone to tear up, chew up and dig up.  He gets in trouble and gets in trouble now and again.  Yet one thing is consistent with Gus.  He is always ready to roll over and let you pet his tummy.  When Gus does this, he is very vulnerable.  He could easily be trapped, struck, stepped on or held down and yet he does it over and over.

Gus and I have a good relationship.  I generally talk nicely to him and pet him a fair amount.  I also ignore him at times, pressing on to what is important in my world.  There are times I give him a harsh word for getting in my way.  And there are times he gets a spanking because he has done something I don’t like.  My relationship with Gus sounds like a lot of relationships I have been in but there is a difference in Gus and me.  Gus continues to roll over and be vulnerable hoping to get petted.  I have learned to hide my vulnerability.  Gus is willing to risk the pain of being ignored or hurt.  Me, not so much.  I am so afraid of the pain that I will miss the joy of being petted.

I have had my fair share of conflict in relationships and the pain that comes with it; pain that has been heaped on me and pain that I have caused others.  Gus sees people with the hope of being petted and I see people with the fear of pain.  Gus is willing to throw himself out there, I withdraw.  Gus looks for good things to happen, I calculate how much damage may occur.

This is what conflict does to people and how past conflict shapes the future.  Some people get through the conflict and move into a state of peace and are willing to be vulnerable again.  Others go through conflict and begin to see every step of the future as more conflict.  And relationships suffer.  Or never get off the ground.

I hope I will move to a place in my life where I am more like a dog, hoping and trusting that putting myself out there to get petted will get me petted more and not getting trapped in what happens when it doesn’t work out.  I hope I will choose to be more vulnerable.  There are conversations I want to have that I am afraid to start right now.  There are relationships I would like explore but I am afraid to risk the fear of failure right now.

I hope the day comes when I can enjoy relationships the way Gus does: full of hope, willing to be vulnerable and always open to try again.

Grace and peace.

Random Chatter

26 Tuesday Feb 2013

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It’s a random day.  A day at Starbucks to write a paper but the paper isn’t getting written.  A phone call that went long.  A conversation with a new friend.  Two young, giggly girls behind me that I tried to tune out but only seemed to get louder.  A email request that took some time and thought to respond to.  One of those days. 

Thought 1: I have been doing the Advocare Can You 24? Workout semi-regularly for 3 weeks.  I like it.  I call it P90X lite for people who haven’t heard of it.  It’s a great workout program for someone like me who needs to start slow and build steam.  I’m progressing from the beginner level to the intermediate and feeling new soreness in old muscles.  I love it.  I didn’t want to do it today but so glad I did. 

Thought 2: I was invited to come speak at a seminar on Peace at ACU next week.  I’m a fill-in for someone on the board of the organization that is putting on the event.  I’m stoked and appreciative that they would ask me to participate in something so important to the Conflict Resolution department and to ACU.  I’m at work mentally on my presentation.  I have to work talks out in my head before I can start putting them on paper to fine tune.  I wonder if there’s a better way.

Thought 3: I was supposed to go eat dinner with a friend tonight at my favorite restaurant.  The dinner got put on hold so I’m trying to decide if I’m going to go eat there on my own since it’s on my brain.  I’m way too hungry way too early in the day. 

Thought 4: I just read a blog on where our identity comes from.  I can’t help but wonder if I’m not in my present situation because my identity is still in earthly things.  One of the hardest things I deal with right now is not having a job, a title, that tells me and others who I am.  I tell others they are children of God, made in His image.  Once again, it’s easier for me to sell it than buy it. 

Thought 5: I’ve had 3 conversations in the past week with 3 different friends that were illuminating.  Surprising, odd, challenging.  In that order.  It makes me wonder what the next 3 conversations with the next 3 people will be like.

Thought 6: I always wonder about the people who walk into Starbucks.  What’s their story?  Why are they here?  Are the things I assume about them true or false?  Do they all wonder the same things about me?

Thought 7: I’m praying about a particular job.  It would throw me in the middle of a hard ministry.  The position may not get approved.  I may not be the right person for the job.  it may not pay enough.  It may require me to move earlier than I would like.  Lots of things could interfere or create a barrier.  Yet, I continue to pray because I believe it is a job that my heart would be fully invested in.  As well as my identity as a child of the King.  That excites me.

Thought 8: How many random thoughts can a person have in one blog post?

Grace and peace.

Memories

16 Saturday Feb 2013

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I get sentimental.  It’s true.  I think about days past, about the people and places that have been a part of my life, about the ups and downs, the great events and the lowest moments.  I think about memories.

I have spent my hours on some misbegotten dreams, and I have spent my money on some foolish-hearted things, and I have spent my memories on old and bitter wine.  –
Robert Earl Keen, Jr., I Would Change My Life

When I look back, I see so much devastation.  There are memories of my children.  There are beautiful and scenic vacation vistas.  There are big rainbow trout at the end of a fly line.  There are Christmases and fireworks.  Lots of good things.  Yet, I think back on my memories as misbegotten dreams, as foolish-hearted things, as old and bitter wine.

Maybe it’s because my wounds of recent pains still hurt so bad.  Maybe I am pessimistic and just don’t want to believe it.  Maybe it’s because some people around me seem to have little hope at times or remember the good things as the roads not traveled.

I hope time and prayer and faith and good friends will help my thought of memories change.  I hope to remember the bad times as learning experiences and see the good things I’ve taken from them.  I’m not there yet.  Maybe tomorrow.

Grace and peace.

On the Other Hand…

12 Tuesday Feb 2013

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Yes, two posts in one day.  It’s because I wrote When Gratefulness Isn’t Enough a few days ago when I was the lowest of my lows.  I was angry, mad, disgusted, frustrated with many other emotions flowing.  Last night and this morning weren’t significantly better.  I had more harsh words with God.

Then I had lunch.  It was at Fuzzy’s.  I know things are better when I get to have lunch at Fuzzy’s.  It was with a guy I didn’t know but knew of through some friends.  It’s a guy with contacts but it was more than that.  It was a guy who asked some good questions, who said some things to help me reorient my thought processes and encouraged me to stay focused on a passion and to believe God is working in the plans.  It was a good lunch.

It doesn’t make the pain and the fear I face go away.  It helps me see it differently though.

It reminded me there are the things the world tells me and there are the things I believe God is speaking into me.  There is security in money and possessions says the world, there is security in having nothing – no assets, no debts, nothing of this world, no bondage says God.  (No, I’m not saying God wants us to live as paupers, only that He wants us to trust in Him.)

I’m ready to sell all I have if I need to.  I’m ready to run through my retirement account if I need to.  I’m ready to pursue what I believe is a dream that God is drawing in my mind and if I’m living in that, finances and relationships and other things will work out as best they can.  Sure, the people that torment me may still torment me.  Sure, the bills will still come due.  Sure, there will be bad days.  There will also be a lot of good days, a lot of positive things happening and maybe some of those rough spots will smooth out.

Sometimes I need to work through my hard times in hard ways.  I need to process, to think, to withdraw to a place that is safe for me.  I ask my closest friends to pray for me in these times and hope they understand it helps me to think it out, sort it out, even speak/write it out.  I’m an introvert and that’s what introverts do.  Once I work through it, I can move on.

I’m ready to move on.  I’m ready to be grateful.  I’m ready to be hopeful.  I’m ready to trust.  I’m ready to find the path that is the right path for me.  I expect ups and downs as I get there and I also expect to find good things at the end of the road.

Sometimes the days are dark.  Very dark.  On the other hand, some days are beautiful and filled with joy.  I’m looking towards the “on the other hand” days.

Grace and peace.

Birthdays Come and Gone

04 Monday Feb 2013

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Birthdays are markers of sorts.  For some of us, they are a marker of time passing swiftly by.  For some, it is the freedom of a drivers license and a car.  For others, it may be full of memories.

As I’ve moved through the past few years with a great deal of pain, I have protected myself.  Reading another blog the other day, I came across the following which has so aptly described me:

What I didn’t know at the time was that I created a wall around my heart—a wall to protect myself from getting hurt.

I decided that from that day forward I would always leave others before they could leave me.

I paid this debt for many years, getting close to people and leaving them on a whim. I felt no love really, but I also felt no pain. I was numb. I was detached from the pain I caused others because I wasn’t in touch with the pain inside my heart.

So what does that have to do with birthdays.  Since my divorce, I have built walls around my heart and made the personal decision I would never again set myself up for the emotional train wreck I’ve been living for the past 12 years.  Somehow, I allowed two women to get close and the alarm went off and I moved on.  Maybe there were good reasons for moving on.  Maybe God had more in store for each of us than what was.  Either way, as I read the words above, for some reason I thought about the birthdays of the two women who tried to tear down my walls.  I thought about markers in time, my passing years, the days between the birthdays we shared and today and what has happened in the meantime.  This remembrance came just a few moments after recounting my divorce, the years before and the pain of separation from my children that still enflame the wounds of my heart.  I stopped and prayed for these two women, these warriors who tried to help me only to be met with resistance.  I prayed for their hearts, for their families and for what God is planning to do in their futures.  I asked that it be to His glory and a glorious ride for both of them.

And then what for me?  The wall hasn’t crumbled.  My desire to live in gratefulness is elusive at this moment.  The rollercoaster ride that is my life took another dip.

I trust there will be better days and that some of these hard days are good reminders of where I’ve been and where I’m headed.  Yet, it hasn’t stopped my support of the walls, of the numbness I often live in.  What will God do with that?  Will He be able to tear it down or does that all depend on me?  Will he send someone who will make me want to tear down the walls?  Or, do I simply have to come closer to Him because I use the wall to try and keep Him at a distance too?

I have no answers today.  I may have no answers tomorrow.  So, I keep asking God to let me see with His eyes.  Maybe one day things will be different…

Grace and peace.

This Present Moment

05 Saturday Jan 2013

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I hear much teaching about living in the present moment.  Don’t dwell on the past too much.  Don’t worry about the future too much.  Live fully today.

Today I’m crying.  Buckets full of tears.

In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains.  In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined.  I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort.  Only the pain of loss and of being alone.  I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment.  A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized.  Today, it is massive.  As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more.  More time.  More touching.  More voices.  In this present moment, I am hurting.  And crying.  I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.

In this present moment, I am hurting.  I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing.  The bills don’t quit coming.  The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming.  The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.

This present moment is filled with sadness.  And hurt.  And anger.  I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses.  Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold.  It feels the same way within me.

Will there be better days?  I expect so.  Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them?  I hope so.  Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)?  Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time?  Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment.  That’s just life.  My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”.  People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing.  Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself.  I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.

I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard.  Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment.  Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey.  I take these times hard.  I do.  It’s who I am.  And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am.  Maybe that’s the lesson.  Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of.  This vessel that is me is weak and fragile.  Well, so be it but I want my kids back.  I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them.  One more meal.  Oh how I long for that moment.

In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt.  I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go.  I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on.  I will go back amidst the tears.  I will prepare to leave amidst the pain.  I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight.  All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly.  I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days.  I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.

If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal.  I just want it all today.  Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan.  I just want it now.  Know the tears will dry and I expect better days.  It’s just not what I’m feeling right now.  Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness.  I just want it in this moment.  Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop.  I just want to be out of the valley now.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart.  Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.

Grace and peace.

Scary Sound of Silence

27 Thursday Dec 2012

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The day I originally wrote this I was hoping to hear from someone very special to me.  It didn’t happen.  The sound of silence was deafening.

I find I often have noise going on around me.  The TV is playing in the background.  Sport radio is on.  I’m going somewhere in a hurry and stuffing more than I can do in a day into the day so I don’t stop, I don’t have anytime for the scary sound of silence.

Sometimes silence is scary because of what we might hear.  Other times it is scary because of what we do not hear.  Hearing something that calls us on the carpet, reopens old wounds or is news we don’t want to deal with is scary.  Not hearing from that special someone or waiting on someone to call back to talk about a job when I’m unemployed and money is running short leaves me wondering how important I am to them.

Silence can be a scary, scary thing yet it is something we must learn to deal with, learn to address, learn to accept and learn how to work through whatever comes from it.  I’m still learning.

Grace and peace.

 

Power

13 Thursday Dec 2012

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It’s something so many of us want.  It’s something that cripples so many.  It’s something that can be a great tool.  It’s something that can be a debilitating weapon.  Power.

I have had power and I have been subjected to power.  I have used it well and I have misused it.  I have been encouraged by it and I have cowered under it.  Power.

Today I wrestle with the power of the emotion of fear.  I am in a vulnerable place where I can choose to cling to faith or live in fear.  I feel like I am losing the battle today, that fear is winning.  I see the collision of all the worst things I can imagine for my life and I see it all playing out.  I wilt under the idea of a great punishment.

Maybe I am simply being dramatic.

I have shared my feelings with a couple of people over the past 3 days and have varied responses.  One was from someone more fearful of my position than I have been.  That certainly had an impact on how I have seen things.  Another believes there is a plan, a way things will work out and I am in the the process of the plan.  Another believes I need to do more to change my situation.  In all these things I try to understand how I feel, what I want to do now, what I want to do next, where I believe I am being led.  In all the wondering, the door opens for fear to creep in and use it’s power to beat me down, to weaken my faith, to lose hope.  The power of fear can make me stop in my tracks, for hours or days, and just imagine that my world is unraveling.

Maybe my world is unraveling.  The virtue of being able to write is that admitting to my fear and it’s power over me, I can almost feel myself releasing the fear and looking at the words that friends have written on Twitter, not directly to me but, that have spoken directly to me.  Last night a friend was encouraging me to be bold in my faith while another person I follow on Twitter wrote, “one of our greatest temptations is to reduce God to the size of our biggest failures.”  (Jonathon Storment)  Wow, that hit me right between the eyes.

I want the rest of this day to be lived in the power of God’s work in my life.  It won’t be easy and even God says it won’t.  The power of fear is ever-present, lurking, ready to suck me in.  I make the choice of whether to give in to the fear or live in faith.  I am calling on God this day to help me, to show me a sign but even if He doesn’t I plan to choose to believe He is here, He is at work, He has a plan for me.  (Ephesians 2:10)

Grace and peace.