It’s All Over

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

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2014 that is. Today is the last day of the year. It’s a day where some are reflecting, some are looking forward and some are just wondering how they will get home tonight. For me, it’s a little of the first two but I’ll be home tonight so that last question isn’t an issue.

There were lots of changes in 2014 for me. Some weren’t so great. Some were AWESOME! Yes, worthy of capital letters.

As I reflect on 2014, I can easily think about some long days and nights of darkness and remember the pain. Not just remember, I can still feel it in my gut. I remember feeling hopeless at times. I remember being angry with God. I remember thinking I did not want to go on. I remember nights with little sleep and a lot of tears.

As I reflect on 2014, I realize how far I moved emotionally. From pain to joy. From despair to thanksgiving. Friends helped me through the dark days and my faith carried me too. Faith that God had something in store for me. Faith that life would get better. Psalms 27:13-14 stuff. I got a job that brought me hope. I came home and proposed to an incredible woman. I got married and went to Colorado and she went flyfishing with me. How crazy is that?

2014 was a year that taught me two things. One, life is hard. Every single day has obstacles and some of them will crush you if allowed to. Two, thankfulness is a choice requiring action. There are good things happening in life, some small and some big. The big ones are easy to figure out so it’s the small ones I have to seek out daily and choose to focus on what is good.

I don’t like the road I had to travel in 2014 but I am thankful for the lessons and thankful for where the road led me. That is enough. I remember the darkness and I will let that memory live so I might be able to be a light of hope for others going through darkness. At the same time, I am thankful for what the light has brought into my life and I have immense hope for what the future holds.

Grace and peace.

Let Her Love You

08 Thursday May 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in God's love, Life

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dark, Fear, joy, light, love, pain

This post is very different from the first one that was scheduled for this time. It’s also very different than the second one that was scheduled for this time. Both were dark and dealt with hard, scary thoughts from the deepest recesses of fear and doubt and unworthiness. I had gone to those places with a friend who was struggling at the same time I was struggling and we both dove deep into our hurts. I thought that was how this week would go; dark and filled with fear. Until I heard, “let her love you.”

I am a man blessed with some INCREDIBLE friends. Our sins are laid bare in front of each other and our hearts are handled with love and care between each other. I talked to one of them on the phone and we got around to struggles and some I was having with my own insecurities. I have been given a gift in the form of a woman who loves me by every evidence I can see. Where I see ugliness in myself, she speaks beauty back to me. Where I see hurt in myself, she speaks healing. Where I see turmoil within myself, she speaks calm. Yet, I continue a self-talk pattern of unworthiness. I have heard I am not good enough for so long that I have allowed myself to believe it. She is trying hard to convince me otherwise. I struggle with allowing myself to trust her goodness completely and I have tried to hang on to my heart in spite of her efforts to hold it, caress it, love it.

My friend said, “let her love you.” Let her. Quit fighting against it and let it happen. He says I’m worthy of love. So did another friend who called the day before and told me he needed me in his life for the hard times. So did another friend who texts me 3-7 times a day reminding me that I am loved and all other voices are liars. (I told you I had incredible friends!) “Let her love you.”

For the last day and a half, I have tried to lay down my wounds and my scars and my fears and my self-doubt and just let her love me. That mantra is resonating in my mind as I begin to trust her with my heart and with my self-worth. Thursday afternoon, we had a conversation on FaceTime. It’s a great tool because you can see the person and read the body language. Everything about that conversation told me she loved me, she trusted me and she was willing to hand her heart over to me. Everything I saw in her eyes and in her body language told me she loves me. Everything I heard in her words told me she was willing and ready to help me do whatever was needed to feel better about myself. Everything I saw and heard said, “let me love you.”

To “let” her means to make a choice. I choose whether she gets to love me or not. I already told her my desire to let her love me and that I will begin to be intentional in allowing her into places that bring me fear; I CHOOSE to let her in.

“Let her love you.” Thank you Dennis. Your words were the words of God. What they really meant were “Let me (God) love you through my instrument on earth.”

“Let me love you.” Thank you Kelly for seeing me through God’s eyes and being willing to tell me over and over and over what you see. You are a gift from above.

Grace and peace.

There Are Battles

13 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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darkness, hope, light, pain

When you stop to think about it, I’m not a very cheerful writer. I talk about my difficulties, my obstacles, the things that knock me to my knees. Those things are often front of mind because I know so many other people who struggle and are afraid to admit it. Or don’t know they can admit it. Or don’t think they have an acceptable outlet to admit it. I’m always on the lookout for those people to let them know, YES, there are battles. AND, yes, we can overcome them. Or at least get through them.

Last week, I had the privilege to speak to men at a church in a fairly small Texas town. A country town. An agricultural town. A man’s man town.

I talked about Job. I talked about struggles. I talked about some dark days I have been through. I assured them that we can look at Job’s life and know that one day things will be better. The wounds may not completely heal. The scars may not go away. One day things will be better. In this life or another but God will lead us through if we are faithful. That doesn’t mean perfect. In my darkest hours, I yell at God, furiously, with anger and say things I shouldn’t say. My darkness hurts. Bad. Yet, I get through it because I eventually remember that I am not in control of this messed up world and I simply need to look for a sliver of light in the moment.

Two men approached me after the lesson with the same message. “I don’t think I would have killed myself but I have faced a challenge that was so dark, I can now understand how someone could go there.”

Wow. These were two men’s men, show no weakness, pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of men. At that moment, I was there outlet to say something they have never said to anyone else. Their outlet to let it go. Their outlet to be affirmed that darkness sometimes overwhelms us.

I’m sure some people get tired of listening to my darkness stories but some people need to know that there is someone out there who understands, who empathizes and has compassion for others who face darkness. I like to think of myself as an instrument of peace, a place where they can share hurt and find peace on the other side. I like to think that is how God uses me.

Next week will be some of my points from the lesson on Job. Nothing new. Nothing profound. Just simple thoughts from a simple brain that hopefully will help me always remember that there is light coming to take over darkness.

I am blessed. I have two incredible kids. I have the love of a remarkable woman. I have some incredible friends who I can share anything with who will pick me up and help hold me upright until I’m ready to walk on my own again. There is light in my darkness. Always has been. Always will be.

Grace and peace.

Where You Been?

28 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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darkness, friends, hope, light

I took a blogging holiday. Sort of. The truth is, I went through a few dark weeks. I listened to the demons. I saw the negative in everything. It was dark.

It happens to me every so often. I should say, I let it happen every so often. My best friend in college called it my “dark mood” and said he made sure to stay away for a couple of weeks. I was angry at God. I was angry at the postman. I was angry at the parking lot attendant. I was angry with where I’m living. I was angry at the guy in the fast food line. Seriously, how many questions are there to ask at Taco Bell?

Then it happened. “It” was a word from a friend. “It” was a reminder that he loved me and saw the best in me no matter what I was going through. “It” was another friend at church who said he loved me and he had hope that we would celebrate the trip out of the valley and darkness. “It” was a wonderful woman who couldn’t fully understand why I acted the way I did but loved me anyway and stood by me.

I have been blessed with a host of friends. I don’t know why they like me and stick by me but they do. The closest of the close stick by me when the dark moods come and when my outlook is all about poor, pitiful me. They don’t see the ugliness I exhibit on the outside, they only choose to see what they know is on the inside which is a better me, a positive me, a loving me. They choose who they see and they treat me like the person I want to be instead of the person I’m acting out to be.

Where I’ve been was dark and ugly and I am so thankful that I have the people in my life who grab hold of me, prop me up and slowly walk me forward into the light and the hope of a new day.

Grace and peace.

When Whining Doesn’t Work

07 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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hope, light, pain, The Journey

I’ve been reading and listening to Dr. Brene Brown a lot recently. She has some incredible research on shame, vulnerability and fear and I’m soaking it all in. One of her comments is that her “gift” is to research and understand these areas because it puts joy, happiness and love in context for her. I feel that statement describes me perfectly. I seem to enjoy looking at suffering and the pain of life events, not to dwell in the darkness but to appreciate the context of light.

So, I sit here, in a foreign place away from friends and family and love and wonder why? Why me? Why here? Why now?

And then, I read a blog where the author writes about peace in uncertainty and how we can thrive in uncertain times. HEY LADY, can’t I just whine for a while?

A close friend sends me an email with Joshua 1:8 in a note and it leads me to my Bible where I’ve highlighted Joshua 1:9. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.

Today is one of those days I’m led to see light in context, to see goodness in the midst of hurt, to feel hope when I’m down. Tomorrow night I start a class at church I’ve been waiting for, one that I believe will rock my world and turn me upside down and inside out. I think I’m in this time and place for different reasons, one certainly being what I believe I’ll experience over the next 7-8 Wednesday nights.

I say I whine but really I think I just feel authentic pain in my situation. Then a day like today comes along and I see the pain in context and know I am allowed to see pain so I can empathize with others; and I’m allowed to see light so I can promise those in pain there is hope.

Grace and peace.