Tag Archives: love

So Many Questions

16 Tuesday May 2023

Posted by in Letting God Out of the Box

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As I walked through the valley of divorce and separation from my children on a daily basis, my mind. and my heart got dark. Separation from them was the hardest part of the journey from divorce to healing to life again. Losing my family nearly sent me over a steep cliff and learning to live with that separation was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

That time in my life started a series of two things. First was a way of talking to God that most would call blasphemous. Second was a series of questions most would call blasphemous. You can see where my heart and mind were. Yet through it all, with the help of friends,

So, strap in and hold on for the first one. My kids would come over every other weekend. Well, one kid did and the other was hit or miss because they were a bit mad at me I believe and certainly mad at the situation. They would leave on Sunday evening to be back to their mother’s house by the legally appointed time. About 15 minutes after they left, I would find myself on my knees, wailing and alternatively cussing at God like a drunken sailor (yes, cussing, using all the 4 letter words and making up several as I went along) and asking Him to take my life. This went on for a few months.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell one of my guys (I’ll have to tell you about my 7 and my 14 and my 21 some time) who was trained in a preaching school and a part time missionary. I thought who better to confess to and be told I was on the fast track to hell (when I believed there was such a place…more to come). Instead, my dear friend and brother said, “good!” What do you mean good, I asked. “Who are you talking to? God. Do you think he is so small he cannot handle your heartache?”

That was a relationship changing point in time for me. I had spent so much of my life thinking God was so small that my mistakes/failings/sins, whatever you want to call them, was damaging to Him. I thought He was petty and hated me for the things I had done and was doing. My brother allowed me to see a God bigger than I could/can imagine who hurts for me and is humored by my small mindedness.

That led to questions that have continued to grow and build and challenge what I have been taught all my life. It started with questions about heaven and hell and would God really separate His creation. It led to questioning how the Bible has been used for all these years, taking small snippets out of a large story to prove a point and create a rule book instead of a book full of wisdom for living our best life. It led to questions about why the Holy Spirit, the third leg of the Trinity, is seldom discussed. Why in the world would we indignantly ignore the other part of God given to us to counsel us, to speak to us while using a book of ancient writings as the sacred rules for today’s living? Bizarre. It led to questions of why I have never, ever, heard a sermon on the importance of the second great command…to love ourselves. Remember? What is the greatest command? To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second one is like it, to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Where has that teaching been? What, what? Loving ourselves comes right along with loving God in order of importance? Who knew (because they ain’t sharing that one from the pulpit)? And, what about grace. Is it freely given to all or limited to those who have cracked the code and properly interpreted the rule book (yes, that book that is written in multiple translations because no one can agree and has spawned so many churches interpreting things slightly different from one another.) Is grace really grace or is it parceled out to some and not others? Or what about the tree in the garden? Was it put there to give us choice (am I saying that God is pro-choice?) or was it put there to trip us up and cause the downfall of man so God could beat the crap out of us? Is he all knowing and had a plan to get us out of our messes or just a sadistic son of gun ready to drop the hammer? And, if God is the same yesterday and today, from before time to infinity, why did He change the rules from the Ten Commandments to Christ’s expansion of them in the Sermon on the Mount?

Yes, I have questions and…this is crazy…believe the Holy Spirit is providing answers and the answers aren’t what mainline churches want to hear or discuss. I know because I’ve had the conversations with several pastors and only two of them still want to have lunch with me regularly. The questions are dangerous because they expand God’s love, His freedom, His allowance of choice while covering me in grace and allow me to see a bigger God, one who is not concerned with the pettiness of rules but offering me wisdom on how to live a good, happy, simple fulfilling life. I have come to see “sin” as a hurt I create for myself. What we label as sin are things I do that make my life harder than it should be, more miserable than it should be with consequences that are painful for me and for those around me at times. Choosing to follow the wisdom of God makes life a lot easier, less painful and more carefree.

Oh yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions.

And we wonder…

20 Sunday Aug 2017

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$1.7 million

Number of elective plastic surgeries in the U.S. in 2016, of which more than 200,000 were nose jobs. The plastic surgery business is an interesting one with a fascinating gender gap: 75 percent of the people who got those rhinoplasties were women, but 85 percent of board certified plastic surgeons are men. [Racked]

That statistic tells us a great deal about our country. The vanity. The pride. Almost two million dollars spent on changing something about the body to be more acceptable, more “loved”, more something. We wonder why hatred and bigotry and terror exist and the answer is often as close as the nose on our face.  We are an inwardly focused people.  We are caught up in “us” and how we feel, how we look, how we are perceived and how we are judged.  We worry about those things while assessing how we see others, perceive others and judge others for their actions, thoughts, or lack thereof…at least in our own minds.

We assemble in teams, in jobs, in churches and find the people most like us to be around and spend time with.  It’s easier.  It’s more comfortable.  We don’t work to get to know others and we sure avoid the difficult questions that might put us in uncomfortable territory.  Instead, we label other groups,

If we hope to overcome hate, racism, and our own caste system, we are going to have to change our focus from inward to outward.  We are going to have to learn to see people with openness, with fresh eyes and without our own baggage heaped on top of them.  We have to learn to see ourselves and others with a new set of eyes, clear and unburdened by our own experience, fears and false beliefs.

Change starts with the person in the mirror.

Grace and peace.

Old Adages

29 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Life, politics, Uncategorized

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I’ve often heard (and probably guilty of saying) “they got what they deserved” when something bad happens to someone not well liked or looked down upon.  Whatever bad thing happened to them…well, they deserved it.

I wonder if people ever say that about me.

I wonder if people say it about the United States.

I watch Donald and Ted and Marco digress into name calling while our country suffers and can’t help but wonder if we aren’t getting what we deserve.  When shows like “The Real Housewives of Wherever” and a slew of other trashy, conflict-driven offerings continue to collect viewers is it any wonder we get the Theater of the Absurd from the people running to be the “leader” of our country?

I wish we had great debates about the needs of this country.  Instead Donald calls Ted and Marco names and they fire right back…because too many people enjoy it.  We wonder why we battle over #BlackLivesMatter and #CopsLivesMatter.  We wonder why there are so many people living on the streets and so many others living in poverty who need health care.  We wonder why there are so many problems with our country and then we see so many encouraging the junk we see on TV from people who want to “make America great again.”  Really?

Sadly, it seems love and concern for our fellow man is quickly evaporating while I want a nicer car, bigger house and more of everything grows.

In a conversation about political correctness yesterday, one wise gentleman made the comment that our failure to know each other, to enter into meaningful relationships with people we don’t know or don’t agree with is the cause for political correctness and spending time with each other is what will eliminate it.

We have a country that is deeply divided in so many area and this is what we get for folks who want to be President.  We may just be getting what we deserve.

Grace and peace.

That is Offensive To Me

10 Friday Jul 2015

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As I sit here watching the South Carolina Highway Patrol Honor Guard remove the Confederate flag from the State Capitol, as I hear several in the background saying “Thank You God!” and shouting “USA, USA, USA” I have a sense of pride in the people doing the right thing.  As I watch one of the members of the Honor Guard, a black man, take the flag and present it to the Curator of the museum, I can only imagine his feelings.  As someone who has hung a Confederate flag in my bedroom as a child, I am proud of the people who made this decision and the reverence of which it was handled.

That said, to me the Confederate flag is a symbol of the south and a period of history.  It is a symbol of my high school mascot at one time.  It is not about racism for me though I understand it is for others.  That said, a Dodge Challenger named the General Lee with a Confederate flag painted on it’s roof is most certainly related to a show about Southerners, their moonshining and their family.  To have that show removed from TV is offensive to me because it is censorship…plain and simple.

I believe marriage is between a man and a woman.  To see a bakery owner penalized because they stayed true to their beliefs is offensive to me.  The home of the brave and land of the FREE?  Really?  It doesn’t seem like the people owning the bakery are free to exercise their beliefs.

To have the government take the money I’ve earned and spend it on things I disagree with is offensive to me.

There are plenty of things I can be offended by.  The way the South Carolina government handled the flag issue, with lots of conversation, with people free to express their opinions and feelings and to make a decision after all that discussion and all those feelings are taken into account is a small glimpse of how to handle disagreements and to take what is offensive to some to a point of either compromise or collaboration.  When people of color listen to those who support the flag as a symbol of heritage our world is better.  When people who see the heritage can also see the pain our world is better.

When things are taken away, when people are punished simply because of someone’s opinion, we are all the lesser for it.

I’m offended by lots of things in this country.  It doesn’t mean I’m right and it doesn’t mean I should always get my way.  Taking our offenses to the table of peace and trying to come up with better solutions is when offense ends and peace begins to take over.

Grace and peace.

I Was (Emotionally) Bleeding to Death

14 Thursday May 2015

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My wounds, whether real or imagined, are plentiful and run deep.  I am a sensitive man.  It’s just that simple.  I am sensitive and I am very cognizant of my wounds.  I feel them and the pain from them are easily felt.  Fortunately, I have the ability to keep going through the pain but it does not mean the wounds are not there.

I have felt at times that I was bleeding to death.  Wound after wound.  Wound upon wound.  Emotionally, I have felt I was bleeding to death, accepted it and have been ready for the consequences.  I have not taken care of my health the way I should.  I have not taken care of my thoughts the way I should.  I have not looked forward to the future the way I should.

Then, along comes this woman.  I had seen her around.  I had looked into her eyes and knew there was something special about her but I was not in a position to find out why.  I knew she was different.  I knew she was special.

Now I know she is special.  She is now my wife and I continually see new things in her that remind me how special she is in so many ways.  One of the things that makes her special is that she is tending to and healing my wounds.  Where I once thought I might bleed to death, she is touching and healing.  Last night I had a bad night.  Lots of things went wrong and one of them brought up and opened some old wounds.  As I told my VSW (very special woman/very special wife) what was happening, all she wanted to do was take the trouble away from me.  Where once I was emotionally beaten I was now being emotionally cared for and cared about.  Just as quickly as the wound opened, she was there to take care of it, to apply comfort and to close the wound.  Then, she went beyond closing it and treated it so that it would start to heal and one day soon, only be a scar at most.

Wounds hurt.  They are not pretty and they can be dangerous.  This woman, through her heart and words, is healing my wounds.  Scars may remain and that is OK with me because scars are memories that can help me.  The important thing is that I once thought I might bleed to death and now I think I might be healed.  Where I had once given up caring about things I should care about, I now care again because she is here she loves me enough to help heal the wounds.

I am married to a gift from God.  I am married to a special woman with a special heart.  I am stronger today than I was yesterday and much stronger today than I was 2 years ago.  I am stronger and I see a brighter future ahead because of my gift.  I know joy now.  I know hope now.  I know the goodness of God now.

Grace and peace.

The Arm on My Chest

16 Monday Mar 2015

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Anyone who has talked to me, read my posts or heard me pontificate from the soapbox knows I think life is hard.  Ailments, financial strains, aging parents, kids and spiritual warfare dinging our psyche and soul…all tough stuff.  So we are left with our minds to choose what we see in life and where we place our focus.  The tough stuff is.  It just is.  It won’t go away so we decide whether to live in the struggle we can see or the hope we have that reminds each moment is new and filled with possibility to love, laugh and live free.

That brings me to the arm on my chest.  I’m struggling to sleep lately.  I’ve been dealing with illness, with job stress, with kids in town and the balancing act of doing everything that needs to be done.  It would be easy for me to get caught up in all of that, and honestly, I have over the past few days.  Then there’s the sleep issue.  I woke up at 2:30 this morning and never went back to sleep.  Lots of thoughts on my mind and some stomach rumbling and no sleep.  I could look at it is a miserable night but for much of it, there was an arm on my chest.

While I was wanting to go to sleep, I was also feeling thankful that I had an arm draped over me and that arm belonged to a wonderful woman who has brought so much joy and hope and peace into my life.  That arm belonged to a beautiful woman who was sleeping pretty soundly and I was thankful because I knew that meant she was at peace at that moment.  That arm laying across me was a reminder that I am loved.

I laid in bed for the better part of 4 hours with an arm on my chest for a great part of that time and the arm was a reminder that I can choose to see the beauty of life in the midst of the storms.  The arm laying over me gave me a sense of contentment and thankfulness that I appreciate.  I rejoice in the arm on my chest.

Grace and peace.

 

Plum Full Fallacy

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Christian Living, Life, Uncategorized

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I have found myself engaged in lots of “church” talk with people lately.  I am blessed with friends with a wide range of views on lots of topics and “church” is one of them.  I know people who think it’s a complete waste of time, who think it is unnecessary, who view it as a good place to meet people and some who think you better be there every time the doors are open and it’s a good idea to be at least 15 minutes early then.

Several years ago I attended a church that had a “Plum Full Sunday” with the idea of asking people to come to church to fill the seats.  It was a big push and lots of effort was put in to getting butts in pews for one Sunday of the year.  That’s where the fallacy began.

As I think more about church and what it means and should mean, I realize we need to be inviting people to know God.  We need to invite people to meet our Creator and Redeemer, the one who loves perfectly and exemplifies the love we should have for each other.  If we can come to know God and live the life he desires for us then invite people to know the God we know…well, I’m convinced we would not know war or racism or hatred and even our misunderstandings would be resolved quickly.

Our congregational settings are a place where a bunch of people with a bunch of ideas often gather to worship (unless they want a piano and there isn’t one or vice-versa, unless women are involved or vice-versa, unless things are done a certain way or not).  Our congregational meetings, or church as some call it, are flawed because they are run and led by flawed people.

God is not flawed so why would we invite someone to a flawed gathering when we can invite them to a perfect God?

Hurting in a Hard World

19 Wednesday Nov 2014

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When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. – Henri Nouwen

This quote resonates loudly with me.  Rick, Jason, Bart, Jacob, Rick, Everett and Dennis have loved me through very hard, very dark days.  They were with me daily, in person, by text or on the phone.  Certainly in prayer.  That extends out to Joey, David, Joe, Doyle, Mark, Jerry, Garry, Joe, Amy, Kyle, Zach, Beverly, Jeff, John, Dan, Barry, Donnie, Chris and many other people.  They walked with me too.  Then, there is my VSW.  Kelly.  My gift of grace from God.  So much light in my life.  So rich and deep in her soul.  Overflowing with hope and joy and love.

Some people never have one person that allows this quote to fit their lives.  I have a host of people.  I am tempted to question why some times but better judgment allows me to simply be thankful.  So today, I write about hurt and pain and anger and darkness from a different point of view.  I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, or as I like to say, I have walked the edge of hell and came through it because so many people were holding my hands, pulling me, pushing me, holding me up, hugging me, encouraging me, challenging me, crying with me, laughing with me…loving me, loving me always, loving me unconditionally.

So today I look at Ferguson, Missouri and I empathize with so many people who are hurting.  On all sides of the issue.  I pray for peace in the midst of the storm.  I pray for conversation instead of gunfire, hope instead of stones.

So today I am thankful my VSW’s niece can call my VSW and share her hurt and know there is someone who will listen and love and hope and encourage.

So today I am praying for a friend of a friend of my VSW who is angry at God.  I do not know his specific journey but I know anger at God.  I pray he will find peace, that his anger will be focused where it belongs and he can find a way to forgive.

I hate a world full of hurt, hate, anger.  I want a world that does not include what is happening in Ferguson, drug addiction, suicide or Charles Manson.  I can hate what is bad and hope for something completely different than what is but that doesn’t make it go away.

So, in the middle of all of the mess I want to be a person who will share pain and touch wounds with a warm and tender hand.  I want to be the person that so many others have and continue to be in my life.  I want to be hope and peace and love.

Grace and peace.

Disease

03 Monday Nov 2014

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Over the weekend I heard the story of a young lady who opted to take her own life instead of battling a terminal illness.  I cannot imagine the thoughts that she may have wrestled with in making the decision and the days leading up to her death.  I know disease drives us to different places, whether it is something as simple as a cold or as scary what that young lady had to face.

One disease that I have battled is fear.  It is a disease that can take hold of my life and create a range of feelings and emotions.  Fear can be a lingering, nagging illness and fear can be debilitating.  I have no doubt there are people who have taken their own lives because of fear and I know people who have quit living because of fear.  It is certainly had a stranglehold on me at times.

I battled the disease on Saturday.  I thought I was getting over it and moving forward with a new outlook and, out of the blue, BOOM!  Fear was back evoking thoughts and feelings that shot through my brain.  It affected my breathing.  It affected my emotions.  It had my brain spinning and my stomach churning.

I suppose there is medicine out there that will help people battle fear but I possess something that is powerful and effective against the disease.  Choice.  I can choose whether to live in the fear or to move past it.  I can choose to believe in something better than fear.  I can choose to write a different story.  I can choose to know that what I often fear never comes to fruition and, if it does, there is little I can do to change it.  All fear does is stop me from living through it.

Choice is a powerful thing.  It cannot stop every disease but it can stop fear.  While I let part of my Saturday be overcome by fear, I eventually chose to move on, to trust in something better, to not listen to the little fear demon and believe that what I hope for is what is real.  I swallowed the choice pill and I’m feeling much, much better about life today.

Grace and peace.

I Can’t Forget

17 Friday Oct 2014

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My last few posts have been on the rosier side of life and, this day, I still feel I am walking in the abundance of God.  That said, I can’t forget and I won’t forget the trail that I have walked to this point.  It hasn’t been rosy.

My silent prayer this morning was this, “God, I have walked with you to a special place.  Even here, there ares trials.  Please keep walking me through them.”

I’ve met and married an incredible woman.  Because I believe in evil forces, I know we will be under attack to tear away at what is so good.  One of those bombs hit me yesterday and the first thought I had was, “oh no, she’s going to see how weak and fallible I am.”  Now, I’ve told this VSW the worst of the worst about me and she still married me so why do I quickly think all the sudden she will change her mind about me?

The good news is my VSW (by the way, that has changed from “very special woman” to “VERY SPECIAL WIFE”) is strong in her faithfulness to God and her faithfulness to me.  On a day when bad news hit me, I could quickly think back to a special moment for me where she expressed her love all over again.  It was empowering.

I am in a very different place today emotionally and spiritually than I have ever been in my life.  While here, I can’t forget where I have been and that the negative attacks will not cease.  While that may be the case, I am stronger and have a VSW who keeps building me up to get through those problems and move forward.

I can’t forget the past and I will learn from the lessons that came with it.  I also cannot miss the beauty of now and where I am and walk forward believing that we will come out of this even stronger and wiser than we were yesterday.

In the midst of attack I remain thankful.  Full of joy.  Full of grace.

Grace and peace.