Tag Archives: love

What’s Your Sign Say?

30 Thursday Jan 2014

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I drove by a church the other day that said, “Atheists have believing in their future.”  While I believe that is true, I wonder if that is the message we should be sending atheists.

What about today?  Do they need to believe today?  If so, what is our message to them?  Is “believe today” good enough?

The trouble with signs is they make a place for cute messages but the message often isn’t the one Christ gave.  He said to love.

Love is kind.  Are our signs always kind are do they come across as warnings, or worse, snippy messages.

Love is patient.  Sure, the sign said believing is in their future so patience is afforded in that comment.  However, will we be patient with them?

Love believes all things.  Do we think our cute signs will be the change people need or do we believe that, through love, Christ will work through us for His purpose.  Does that require a sign or a relationship?

I get the purpose of the sign and I understand the church is trying to do a good thing but I hope they will speak and act in love more than in messages on a board.

Love requires patience, love is kind, love believes in people because they are all children of God.  Love is active and constant and takes work.  Love requires relationship and relationship is what truly leads to Christ.

Grace and peace.

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

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Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out.  It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them.  What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick.  I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better.  Then it happened.  The quick race to the bathroom.  The pain inside.  Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief.  The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this.  Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out.  Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight.  I went wide open and it came flowing out.  I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage.  I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story.  I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time.  Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known.  My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was.  Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone?  I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden.  I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own.  It’s out there.  It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating.  Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy.  Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in.  I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night.  And I feel good.

Grace and peace.

Shame, Shame

27 Friday Dec 2013

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Shame.  I didn’t begin to understand shame or the damage it causes until just a few years ago.  I’m now in the middle of a couple of Brene Brown books and her research on shame and worthiness is flooding my mind.  Thoughts of days gone by, of how I have used shame and how it has been used on me and what I will attempt to do differently in the future is at the front of my mind.

A friend once told me that shame is satan’s greatest tool.  I have come to believe it.  I’m seeing how shame has shaped my vision of who I am and how (un)worthy I am of love and acceptance.  I’m seeing how shame has helped lead me down paths of destruction and despair and I never even knew it.

I’m going to have more to say about shame and worthiness as I go deeper into her material.  For now, let me say that it is one of the best studies I could be involved in and wish I had started it long ago, certainly before I raising children.  There is good information to be had about how we can stop shame and raise the level of self-worthiness that people feel and raise the level of their ability to accept themselves and others.  Oh, it’s good stuff.  I dare say it is God stuff.

Grace and peace.

It’s Confusing Out There

02 Thursday May 2013

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Tim Tebow is berated for his Christian beliefs and planning to speak at a church that speaks out against homosexuality.

Jason Collins is praised as courageous and a hero for publicly saying he is homosexual.

Those who are supposed to be so inclusive, the GLBT community, or very inclusive to those who agree with them and profit from them.  They are pretty exclusive when it comes to Christians who simply state their belief of what the Bible says.

Then there are Christians bashing those who call Collins courageous.  Well, he is.  It’s hard to admit a secret.  I have had to admit some secrets and it was VERY hard.  They were secrets that disappointed some.  That played a role in destroying a family.  That today has some Christians still talking about me and treating me like a lesser human.  Collins admission isn’t that much different other than he is admitting it in a society where many will praise him for his action.  Still, it takes courage.

It seems what many from both sides are missing is love.  Fortunately, I have had many, many people who have surrounded me with love.  My life is full of pain but it is modified by the people who are living out the call of Christ to love me.  Christ-followers need to love Collins and the GLBT community.  Those are all children of God who are under the same attacker as I am.  The GLBT community needs to love those who disagree with them and who want to love them even though we think their lifestyle is in opposition to God’s desire.  We all have desires that tempt us.  God doesn’t want me to have sex with a woman I’m not married to just because I think I love her anymore than he wants two people of the same sex having sex because they think that is who they love.

I do believe this…our society will reap what it sows.  When we celebrate the things that are not from God and when we celebrate the things we have decided to OK in God’s image, we will get what we are asking for.

Please Lord, open our eyes and our hearts to your desire.  Fill us with love that we may overflow with it to all we meet.  Our world doesn’t need more rules, just more of you.  We don’t need more legislation, just more of you.  We don’t need more churches or programs, just more of you.  Lord, lead us to yearn for more of you.

Grace and peace.

A Bad Week

20 Saturday Apr 2013

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Last week was tough.  Hard.  Bad.  Boston, MA and West, TX were the highlights of a week of bad news, death, tragedy and pain.  The question “why?” keeps coming to the forefront of my mind.  I know I will not get an answer anytime soon and don’t need one.

As I write this, I’m listening to Fox News and their reporters certainly want to get to the bottom of the how, why and who of the two men suspected of setting the bombs off in Boston.  (Note: I am not a Fox News fan.)  Supposedly they are Russian.  Maybe they are Muslim.  Whatever they are or were, they both had hearts turned against a loving God and likely had wounds that drove them to do such disastrous things.

As I think on this the thought of how bad so many hate “radical Muslims”, call them terrorists and think they deserve the harshest response they get.  It leads to so many questions for me.  How do those people respond to “radical Christians” and the tyranny they bring to killing and hating those they oppose?  Why are people who come into the country and kill Americans with bombs terrorists but crazy folks who walk into a theater or school with a gun not terrorists?

Our society is bad about putting layers or priorities to the bad things that happen in our world and happen to us.  So is the church.

I look forward to the day I treat everyone as a child of God, scarred by the world, sinful and broken.  In these times, I pray I treat them equally and love them equally.  I am not saying discipline is not a response, only that I want to be careful to treat those who hurt me with the same measure God would require.

“Do to others as you would have them do to you” applies in the good times and the bad times.  It’s not always easy though.

Grace and peace.

I’ll Go There

29 Friday Mar 2013

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As I write this, the Supreme Court is still talking about the rights of homosexuals to marry.  Yes, I’m going there today.

First, I am opposed to homosexual marriage.  I believe in the Biblical context of marriage between a man and a woman.  Said another way, I use the Bible as my sole guide for marriage and who is represented in marriage.

While some may think me simpleminded for my belief, I will still take my stand based on my understanding of God’s word.  On the other hand, it is also God’s word that gives me pause in the ways I see many proclaimed Christians handling the matter.  Those claiming to represent Christ might back off their often loud, heated, rude and agitating statements about homosexuals and gay marriage.  In one Facebook thread I was reading, I saw one young man representing Christianity labeling several detractors as “morons.” I’m trying to remember when Jesus took that approach.

Instead of battling against gay marriage, what if Christ-followers engage in showing the love of Jesus in our words and our actions.  Granted, there is a time to share consequences of decisions but when people hear more about the consequences without the presence of love and relationship, the words of condemnation ring hollow.

Yesterday, I posted about fear of rejection and vulnerability.  When I am fearing rejection, I typically do not want to listen to more rejection.  I need love.  I need to be built up in relationship.  I need to feel strength and courage being poured into me.  I cannot help but wonder if some people on the other side of this argument feel the same way.

When people are looking for acceptance, the rejection and “going to hell” messages of (hopefully) well-intentioned people do not show love, do not build up.  Tell me about “tough love” and I’ll tell you about rationalization.  I cannot help but wonder how effective the story of the loving father would be had he simply shown “tough love”.

I struggle with understanding the love and acceptance of Christ for myself.  I am guessing that there are many on the other side of this debate that share that struggle with me.  If I, and others, could fully understand the depth and breadth of Christ’s love I wonder if my failings in giving into temptation and sin would end.  If I can show the guy on the other side of the issue true acceptance in Christ, does he become more open to reading the Gospel message, of Christ’s teaching, in a different light than he sees it now?

I say all this thinking about some friends I have, people I love dearly, who identify themselves as homosexuals.  I love them fiercely and would go toe to toe with anyone threatening them or condemning them.  That’s God’s decision to make.  However, they know what I believe about Christ’s teaching about our actions AND they know I love them.  If they choose to marry someone of the same sex, they will know that I don’t agree with that choice but that my love for them, through Christ and because of Christ, will never waiver.  They may be hurt that I don’t agree with their actions and it may even damage the relationship but it will not be because my love for them has changed

For far too long, I have believed that Christians abdicated their responsibility to the government and are now reaping what they have sown.  I hope Christ-followers begin to act in a way that shows our battle is not against a Supreme Court ruling but against a spiritual battle that swirls around us.  Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against dark forces that we cannot clearly see until we are fully engaged in a dark fight with and from damaging choices.

I wonder if there is any room to doubt the significance of this case being on the forefront of our national news at the same time Christendom is celebrating the death of the old life and the birth of a new life.  Is it a sign of where my focus needs to be; on a court ruling or on the risen Savior?

Grace and peace.

Dikembe Mutombo

28 Thursday Mar 2013

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Dikembe is collecting some dough doing a GEICO commercial where he goes around blocking, or rejecting, several “shots” saying “not in my house!”  It was something he was good at in his NBA years.

Rejection is a part of life  Some people handle it well.  I don’t.  As I wrote my blog that posted yesterday I couldn’t help but think how the words sound great, how Christ is pouring into me, yet rejection – even the fear of it – hurts so much.  What has happened to me that causes me to fear rejection so badly?  What causes me to let someone get close and then to swat them away and say “not in my house!”  The following was on a friends site the other day…

The spirit of Rejection will change your personality. It will put up walls to keep you from being vulnerable. It will create a world of defense mechanisms so you don’t run the risk of being rejected ever again. This fear of being vulnerable caused by the Rejection will destroy your body because it takes your peace and puts the focus on self-protection instead of trust in God and being love to other people.

The solution is to accept that you are accepted in love by God and therefore even if man rejects you or hurts you, you are not rejected. You are accepted regardless of your circumstances because God said so. Let’s ask God to help us see ourselves through His eyes of love so we can reject Rejection and be who we truly were created to be!

I share love with lots of people.  I am transparent and very vulnerable with lots of people.  I will share the pain of my heart, I will be compassionate, I will love them and the fear of vulnerability does not exist at that level.

There is a love for my fellow man that I give freely and I accept freely and I am not afraid of negative consequences.  And there is another love, the love of a special someone, the love of someone I would come to rely on in the most intimate and vulnerable settings, that I am not willing to share or open up to the pain that could come from it.

Three people that I have loved and trusted have ripped at my heart and left deep, gaping wounds in recent years.  Wounds take time to heal and mine seem like they heal slowly.  Getting older has only seemed to exasperate the healing process.  I think some people get impatient with me.  Others have given up that I will ever heal.  Maybe it’s that I am too patient…or, a better way of saying it, I am comfortable with the walls that protect my heart from another rejection.

Christ healed Paul’s wounds relatively quickly.  I have no doubt He can do it when and where He feels it most appropriate.  Paul had a very important mission and a calling that left little time for slow healing.  I wonder what my situation is.  Has Jesus called me to a quicker healing and I wouldn’t accept it?  Or, is He allowing my wounds to heal slowly while preparing me for the next step?

I do believe in His power to heal.  I do believe in His power to pour into me the way He poured into Paul.

I just wish I knew the timing.

Grace and peace.

Paul and Me

18 Monday Mar 2013

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I’m sure it would have been cool to hang out with the Beatles.  Or the Rolling Stones.  Motley Crue.  Willie.  Mumford and Sons.  You get the idea.  How often I thought it would be fun to hang out with the rich and famous and live their lifestyle for awhile.

Maybe I’m on the verge of crazy but…

I wish I could hang out with Paul.  Paul who was Saul.  Paul who was jailed and beaten.  Paul who had unusual strength.  Paul who may have been more famous in his time than any of those listed above.

I’ve recently reconnected with a friend who encourages me in my blogging.  When we used to see each other more, my life was very different.  It looked good on the outside and I hid the blemishes well.  (Blemishes is a pretty way of saying catastrophic failings.)  Now, the “blemishes” are better known and have been exposed.  I want to reconnect with him, share things I have learned and how it is shaping me and soak up what I can from what he has learned from his journey.

Yesterday, I was thinking about Paul and me.  I can’t really fathom what Paul went through but when I read his writings, I feel connected and I think it is one piece of scripture that I read that gives me the feeling we are linked.  Maybe I see myself worse than I am.  Maybe I see myself just as I am.  Whatever, if he asks where I see myself now, I would reference Paul’s first letter to Timothy, the first chapter and verses 12-17.

Paul says he is the worst of sinners.  Maybe, but I sure think I can give him a run for his money.  Sure, he may have stoned some people and had others put to death physically.  I think I have done that to people emotionally, or God forbid, spiritually.  I connect with Paul when he says he is the worst but that isn’t why I love this passage of his writing.  It’s the rest of the story because it gives me great hope.  So often I am mired in my past.  Jesus is fixated on today…and what He is calling me to in the days to come.  Paul knew that.  I want to know it too.  I want to live in it, revel in it, reap joy in abundance in the knowledge of God’s grace and mercy and love.

It’s a journey; a journey I hope to travel with my buddy Paul, walking in the footsteps of my Savior.

Grace and peace.

Here’s part of Paul’s letter from The Message (emphasis mine).

15-19 Here’s a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I’m proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever.

Deep honor and bright glory
to the King of All Time—
One God, Immortal, Invisible,
ever and always. Oh, yes!

Foreigner and Terry

08 Tuesday Jan 2013

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I got addicted to The Voice this year and enjoyed every minute of it.  One of my favorite singers was a young man named Terry who sang several rock classics.  One of those classics was “I Want To Know What Love Is” by Foreigner.  It was a song I really liked way back and when and Terry did a great job of performing it again.  And it resonated more with me than ever before.

I want to know what love is.

I know I have had people who have loved me in my lifetime but so often the love was conditional.  It was based on something other than unconditional love for who I am and that shaped how I see love today.  It shaped how I accept love.  And give love.

I want to know what love is.

The forming, the molding of how I view what love is started early and was based on conditions of my actions, my words, my productivity.  Today, I struggle to believe God can love me and if I struggle with that, how in the world can I believe a human being could ever love me.  That they can or have is secondary to whether I believe they can.  In the song, there is line that says, “In my life I’ve seen heartache and pain, I don’t know if I can face it again.”  In the next lines he expresses that he has moved forward and can’t stop now.  I, on the other hand, still can.

I want to know what love is.

I believe I have had one person, maybe two, who wanted to give me unconditional love but in my life, I’ve seen heartache and pain and I don’t know if I can face it again.  I believe God wants to give unconditional love to every person I come in contact with.  Every person other than me.  I realize I have allowed the concept of love to be shaped by people and not by God.  I just don’t know how to undo it.  So, when someone did want to try and love me unconditionally, I stopped them because I knew I would stumble, my performance would falter, I would make a mistake and I don’t want to feel the heartache and pain.  So I move on.

I want to know what love is.

I know the loneliness of not letting anyone love me.  I know the loneliness of not letting myself love another.  I live it…and I don’t know how to undo it.

I want to know what love is.

One thing I have is hope.  Hope that I’ll open my heart to love.  Hope that I’ll let go of the heartache and pain I’ve known and that I’ve inflicted.  Hope that I will walk with God knowing His love.  Hope that I’ll walk with other people knowing they can and will love me.  Today it’s only hope.  I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I want to know what love is.

Grace and peace.