Tag Archives: misery

Miserable

09 Monday Jun 2014

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Miserable.  That’s how one person described the way I sound in my blog posts.

When someone says you sound miserable, it’s hard not to stop and take inventory.  Am I miserable?  Am I making other people miserable?  Should I stop writing and work on being happy?

I have always said this blog is written for me.  It’s cathartic.  It’s an outlet for some of what I am feeling inside.  It’s my space for my thoughts and words I need to express for my own good.  Yes, this space is all about me.  I find it sometimes applies to others but it is for me.  Given my current situation with a disastrous job situation, a depressing living situation and being in a place where I am alone the vast majority of the time, life is not all sunshine and roses.  Add to that fact that the Texas Rangers are literally falling apart and misery is what is left.

I have a great woman in my life.  I should say a GREAT woman.  I have to super kids.  They have both achieved academic success and they are both kids who do life better than I ever imagined and are examples to me, their father.  I have good friends back home.  A good dog.  A decent truck to drive.  A roof over my head.  Lots of people have it far worse than my little life.

All that and yes, I am just a bit miserable.  You see, the great woman is 3 hours away and I spend about as much time texting and talking on the phone as I do being with her in person.  My kids are both headed for college and this is my last summer with my son and I am working and living 3 hours away.  My house and my dog are in another town and so are my friends.  Honestly, while I know they love me, I don’t hear much from them while I’m away so that emphasizes the loneliness I feel at times.  You see, I want to be WITH them.  I don’t want a phone relationship.  Or email relationship.  Or Facebook relationship.  I want to be with them.  Eat with them.  Talk to them over coffee.

So, in a way, I am miserable.  I realize I could be in 1,000’s of worse situations but I’m in my own bad situation and it’s bad enough for me.  Maybe God realizes I can’t handle a worse situation.

And I say that to say this.  It’s bad but…

I HAVE HOPE.  I have hope that I will be with the woman I love one day SOON.  I have hope I will get more time with my kids this summer.  I have hope that I will get a job that I love and it is one where I am wanted and appreciated.  I have hope I will get to live in my house, sleep in my bed, spend time with my dog, see my friends regularly.  HOPE is what has kept me alive.  HOPE is what has allowed me to do this for more than six months now.

I think I have more hope than the average person because they don’t get to see what I see.  They don’t get to experience the pain I have experienced.

I’ve been told I am strong.  I don’t think so because I know I feel like crumpling to the ground each and every minute.  I attribute my ability to keep moving forward to a supernatural power.  That is who is holding me up.  That is who is moving me forward.  I simply have hope.  The rest comes from one much stronger than me.

HOPE is powerful.  Hoping in the Creator, hoping in YHWH, that gives me strength I do not possess.

Forgive me if I sound miserable.  I’m just letting that out of my head and I don’t mean to leave the idea that what I share here is all of my life.  I’m holding on to the HOPE inside me.  I’m keeping it alive within me.  I need it and don’t feel like I have more than I can share right now.  One day I want to share hope but today, today I have to hold onto my hope.  It sustains me.

Grace and peace.

Heart Transplant

03 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life

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Several years ago I did a sermon based on a friend who had a heart transplant.  The idea of the lesson was that is what God does for us when we decide to be a disciple of Jesus.  He gives us a new spiritual heart.  The desires, the hopes, the goals that pumped out of my heart changed when I decided to follow Jesus.  My new spiritual heart gave me new life.  Eternal life.

Last night I got to hear another story of a woman who had undergone a heart transplant.  The story of her suffering and her fear was real and left many people with tears streaming down their face.  The story of the life that was lost to give her a new heart was heartbreaking.  The story of the victory and the incredible recovery that doctors cannot explain is uplifting.  There were several comments she made that resonated with me.

Our misery is the worst misery we know.  She struggled at times.  She questioned God at times.  She didn’t understand why she was going through all of those things.  She could also look at others and think she was grateful she didn’t know their misery but it didn’t make her misery less painful.  Oh, how I experience that every day.

Our story is meant to be shared.  Others going through difficult times need to know they are not alone even when our walks may be somewhat different.  We don’t share so we can tell them what to do though.  We share so they know we are there when they need to grab onto something to keep from falling into oblivion.  I know that feeling from both sides.

We are victors.  Psalms 23 says, “when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”  David didn’t say when we are made to live forever in the valley or that we would be stuck in the valley.  We walk through it.  I feel like I have been walking through the valley for years but I keep walking.  Along the way I am reminded that I have great kids, that I have met a wonderful woman and that I have friends who help carry me at times.  I’m still walking through it and “through it” is something I need to remember.  Winston Churchill is credited with say, “when you are going through hell, keep going.”  He stole that from Psalms 23 I think.

I am reminded that we are not promised easy days.  Man, how I want some easy days.  I dread coming to work many days but I need the paycheck and I want to make a difference.  There’s so much opposition to me making that difference and it comes from the attitudes of the leadership.  That’s hard to face but I keep walking through it.  Maybe, one day, the valley will lead me out of here in a different direction.  Maybe, one day, I’ll find myself on the mountaintop and out of this pit.  So, I keep walking through it.

Heart transplants, like all good things from above, don’t come without pain, without surgery, without course corrections, without misery and yet it leads to life.  I can’t wait to have an abundant life.  A life with less turmoil, less stress, less worries.  Some of that will come from inside of me and much of it will come from God.  I pray he is speedy.  Until then, I keep walking through it.

Grace and peace.