Tag Archives: pain

Another Day Older

30 Wednesday Dec 2015

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Another day older.  Another year gone.  Another Christmas past us.  Lots of things happened in the past year, good things and bad things.

It seems so often when I have looked back I have settled on seeing the things that didn’t happen or the things that happened that set me back or mistakes I had made.  I wanted to blog more in 2015.  I wanted to launch a new web site focused on leadership.  I wanted to teach more about conflict resolution.  Shoot, I wanted to become a millionaire/billionaire and do great, charitable things with the money.  I wanted to exercise better and lose weight.  I wanted to make changes that didn’t get changed.  It’s easy to see all of that for so many people…I guess.

Fortunately there is the other side of the coin.  There are all those things I still want to accomplish in 2016, my new year to improve and still, there are some wonderful things that have happened this past year.  First and foremost, I got to spend a year with a woman I love and who adds so much richness and happiness to my life.  She helps me experience joy unlike anything I’ve known most of my life.  I got to travel with her.  Atlanta (don’t eat the tuna salad in Atlanta), Baltimore, San Francisco, Denver and Durango and other places.  I got a job that has my creative juices flowing (creative for someone with an accounting degree, anyway) and I look forward to coming to work every day.  I’ve got friends that I stay in contact with that remind me I have purpose.  I have continued to dream dreams.  Dreams of writing.  Dreams of doing things that will give me a sense of accomplishment.  Dreams of building a better family.  Dreams of experiencing more joy.  Dreams of being the man God wants me to be.

That’s what I really want for 2016…to be the man God wants me to be.  I realize that is a dangerous statement because my vision of that could be very different from His.  I always see myself on the mountain top and He may see me in the valley.  Heaven knows I’ve spent some time there already.  Regardless, in the end, I have learned the greatest peace I know is when I let go of my desires and seek His.  Doing that little thing…that is harder than expected…has brought great things to my life, my state of mind, my peace and my joy.

If someone else happens to read this, I hope 2016 will be your best year yet.  I encourage you to seek God, seek His will and live in His peace.

Grace and peace.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

01 Friday May 2015

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I don’t understand all the stuff going on in Baltimore.  I don’t understand police officers who treat people the way they treated Freddie Gray.  I don’t understand people who move into the streets vandalizing, stealing and setting people’s property on fire.

I don’t understand what happened in Ferguson.  I don’t know why the cop shot the kid and I don’t know what the kid did that would make the cop decide to pull the trigger.

I don’t understand what it is like to be a black person in America.  I don’t understand what it is to be a person of any color who lives in poverty.  I can’t imagine what it is like to be an immigrant, especially one who will wade a river or hold on to a piece of wood hoping to reach American soil.

I do understand this.  Race relations, immigration problems and struggles between peoples will not cease until there is more of an effort to understand each other and less intent to make comments about the other without the aid of understanding.

Jen Hatmaker wrote a great post about the Baltimore riots.  Find it and read it.

I am amazed how many of my white, southern friends who have so much advice for the people in Baltimore.  I am amazed by the number of people who are so quick to judge the police officers, the men and women on the streets who deal with addicts, murderers and who knows what all on a daily basis and expect them to treat everyone like they were dealing with perfect people.

I do know this.  Advice from people who have no #$%^&*@ clue of what other people are dealing with have little, if any, right to speak up.  That includes me.  I am a fabulous armchair quarterback.  I have all the answers from my little world.  Yet, I have no understanding of what it is like to be a cop dealing with the worst of the worst or a person who has lived in oppression of any kind.

Now that the police officers in Baltimore may be indicted for murder, I don’t know what to expect but doubt it will bring peace.  My guess is it will make for more speculation, more antagonism, more mouthing.  I hope, at some point, there will be a call for more heart, more kindness, more grace.

I can hope, can’t I?

Grace and peace.

Fifty Shades of Pride

12 Thursday Feb 2015

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My wife makes me want to stand on the top of a mountain and shout “I am the most blessed, most fortunate man alive!”  I have and will continue to refer to her as my VSW (Very Special Woman/Wife) and each day I seem to find new nuggets that reinforce that designation.  She is special in so many ways and I am so proud to be her husband.

Some of our recent conversations are about the book/movie, Fifty Shades of Grey.  She is an opponent of the movie at a spiritual and emotional level and her conviction is what really got me on another high about being married to her.  She believes the movie is a danger, both to the spiritual condition and the emotional condition and how they intersect and affect people’s lives, especially women.  The movie deals with some sexual activity that is not healthy for either party and my VSW has experience dealing with women who have been subjected to this kind of activity.  She has seen the damage it does and, at it’s extremes, what it can lead to.

From all that I am hearing, I question how anyone can condone the movie and condemn Ray Rice.  Abuse is abuse and “consensual sex” doesn’t mean one party isn’t putting themselves in a position of power and manipulation over the other.  And, as we all know, sometimes “no” or the “safe word” doesn’t work like it should.

I am proud of my VSW’s conviction and desire to do what she believes is right.  I admit I have not read the book or seen the movie and do not plan to do either.  I can simply listen to my VSW and believe that it is not a good thing.  I won’t picket or protest or tell anyone they are wrong for reading/seeing Fifty Shades but I will hope and pray that they will all hear the voice of love and condemn anything that causes one to be controlled or abused emotionally and/or physically.  So, #50dollarsnot50shades is something I will support by giving $50 to the organization my VSW thinks best to support the spiritual and emotional health of women.

Grace and peace.

It’s All Over

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

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2014 that is.  Today is the last day of the year.  It’s a day where some are reflecting, some are looking forward and some are just wondering how they will get home tonight.  For me, it’s a little of the first two but I’ll be home tonight so that last question isn’t an issue.

There were lots of changes in 2014 for me.  Some weren’t so great.  Some were AWESOME!  Yes, worthy of capital letters.

As I reflect on 2014, I can easily think about some long days and nights of darkness and remember the pain.  Not just remember, I can still feel it in my gut.  I remember feeling hopeless at times.  I remember being angry with God.  I remember thinking I did not want to go on.  I remember nights with little sleep and a lot of tears.

As I reflect on 2014, I realize how far I moved emotionally.  From pain to joy.  From despair to thanksgiving.  Friends helped me through the dark days and my faith carried me too.  Faith that God had something in store for me.  Faith that life would get better.  Psalms 27:13-14 stuff.  I got a job that brought me hope.  I came home and proposed to an incredible woman.  I got married and went to Colorado and she went flyfishing with me.  How crazy is that?

2014 was a year that taught me two things.  One, life is hard.  Every single day has obstacles and some of them will crush you if allowed to.  Two, thankfulness is a choice requiring action.  There are good things happening in life, some small and some big.  The big ones are easy to figure out so it’s the small ones I have to seek out daily and choose to focus on what is good.

I don’t like the road I had to travel in 2014 but I am thankful for the lessons and thankful for where the road led me.  That is enough.  I remember the darkness and I will let that memory live so I might be able to be a light of hope for others going through darkness.  At the same time, I am thankful for what the light has brought into my life and I  have immense hope for what the future holds.

Grace and peace.

Hurting in a Hard World

19 Wednesday Nov 2014

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When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. – Henri Nouwen

This quote resonates loudly with me.  Rick, Jason, Bart, Jacob, Rick, Everett and Dennis have loved me through very hard, very dark days.  They were with me daily, in person, by text or on the phone.  Certainly in prayer.  That extends out to Joey, David, Joe, Doyle, Mark, Jerry, Garry, Joe, Amy, Kyle, Zach, Beverly, Jeff, John, Dan, Barry, Donnie, Chris and many other people.  They walked with me too.  Then, there is my VSW.  Kelly.  My gift of grace from God.  So much light in my life.  So rich and deep in her soul.  Overflowing with hope and joy and love.

Some people never have one person that allows this quote to fit their lives.  I have a host of people.  I am tempted to question why some times but better judgment allows me to simply be thankful.  So today, I write about hurt and pain and anger and darkness from a different point of view.  I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, or as I like to say, I have walked the edge of hell and came through it because so many people were holding my hands, pulling me, pushing me, holding me up, hugging me, encouraging me, challenging me, crying with me, laughing with me…loving me, loving me always, loving me unconditionally.

So today I look at Ferguson, Missouri and I empathize with so many people who are hurting.  On all sides of the issue.  I pray for peace in the midst of the storm.  I pray for conversation instead of gunfire, hope instead of stones.

So today I am thankful my VSW’s niece can call my VSW and share her hurt and know there is someone who will listen and love and hope and encourage.

So today I am praying for a friend of a friend of my VSW who is angry at God.  I do not know his specific journey but I know anger at God.  I pray he will find peace, that his anger will be focused where it belongs and he can find a way to forgive.

I hate a world full of hurt, hate, anger.  I want a world that does not include what is happening in Ferguson, drug addiction, suicide or Charles Manson.  I can hate what is bad and hope for something completely different than what is but that doesn’t make it go away.

So, in the middle of all of the mess I want to be a person who will share pain and touch wounds with a warm and tender hand.  I want to be the person that so many others have and continue to be in my life.  I want to be hope and peace and love.

Grace and peace.

I Have Issues

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

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“Strongholds are created by trauma and released by trust.” – David Terry

I have issues.  Shame issues.  Fear issues.  Rejection issues.

I hear voices.  “You blew it.”  “Others people/things are more interesting.”  “I’m done with you.”

As I examine these issues in my life, I realize the trauma was created by or with people who are the closest to me.  The people I should feel the safest with are the very ones that introduced the trauma, sometimes without knowing it or realizing it themselves.  Yet the trauma and the strongholds of shame, fear and rejection that came with the trauma started with someone very close to me.

The great news is that I can overcome the stronghold.  The feat is that I have to trust people close to me to do overcome it.  Dang!  Couldn’t it be easier than that?  Isn’t there a phrase I can say in front of a mirror or a breathing exercise that will let me overcome that stronghold on my own without putting my heart and emotions on the line?  Well, the easy answer is no.

The longer answer is that the strongest thing I can do is trust in something or someone who has hurt me.  It’s easy to withhold trust.  It’s easy to say I will talk to them, smile at them and not let them in my mind but, oh snap, it is HARD to trust knowing I might get smacked again.

The cool thing in my life is that I have proven trusting works.  I’m not afraid to let you know it isn’t always easy but it does work.  I’m not afraid to let you know that sometimes old thoughts creep back in but they can be overcome.  I’m not even afraid to let you know that old wounds can be reopened but you can be stronger for the effort and the pain more manageable…or even negligible if you have worked out (trusted) enough.

I have issues but each day I am getting stronger and finding it easier to open myself up to trust.  In myself.  In others.  Trusting is strengthening my mind.  And my soul.

I think there is a simple explanation why it works.  God always trusts.  I don’t earn his trust, he gives it freely.  Regardless of how many times I have broken it, he is open to trusting me again time and time again.  Imagine the strength.  So, why shouldn’t I do the same? Why shouldn’t I keep trusting over and over and over again.  If I want to live Godly, giving trust is a key.  So, when I see my issues creep up and hear the voices talking lies, I have to reach within and open myself up to trust.  Trusting overcomes the shame, the fear, the rejection and leaves me with the ability to see what is true and right and noble and good.

I have issues.  And, I have weapons to combat them and to overcome them.

Grace and peace.

Bug Guts Revisited…Again

22 Monday Sep 2014

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Bug Guts

The above is a link to a post I wrote several years ago while going through a storm in life.  Since then I have been through some others.  I have gone through more than my share and I know there are people around me who are going through their own.

I encourage anyone reading this to be aware of the storms those around them are facing.  Give them a hug and let them know they are loved.

I encourage anyone reading this who is going through their own storm to know that brighter days are ahead.  I can’t tell you when and I sure won’t tell you it will be an easy journey, but it will get better.

I encourage anyone who has been through the storms and is now walking in the sunshine to share the love of God and encourage others with hope.

I have been through the storms and today God is leading me on a journey that is bringing great joy.  I will go forward not forgetting the storm while enjoying the peace this part of the trip includes.

Grace and peace.

Can You Believe It?

11 Thursday Sep 2014

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Those who know me and those who have found and read my blog know the journey I have been on.  I break it down in 8 month/2 year/10-15 year segments representing some events in my life that were hard for me.  They caused pain.  Lots of VERY intense pain.

THEN THERE IS THIS!!!!!!

My VSW and I got a marriage license yesterday!  Can you believe it?  It almost seems like a dream but she was there and I could feel her next to me.  A few years ago I couldn’t imagine this day.  I wasn’t planning to ever get married again.  I was not going to put my heart on the line.

I believe God had another plan for me.  He had someone for me that would be the hands and feet of Christ in my life.  He, the one Paul says can do immeasurably more than I can imagine, did just that.

She is bringing new insights into my life.  About God.  About me.  About marriage.  About life.

I thank God for this VSW.  I never imagined there was someone out there I would want to spend the rest of my life with or that I could love and trust completely.  I know we will face struggles and I won’t be surprised if we face seasons that are tough for us individually or as a couple.  That said, I have never felt more equipped with a partner who I believe with all my heart will walk through those times with me.  And, here’s the really, really cool part.  She is there to walk with me through the great times, the fun times, the growing times, the times of joy.

I got a marriage license yesterday!  Can you believe it?

I wish you could see the smile on my heart right now.  It’s HUGE!

Grace and peace.

Nanu Nanu

13 Wednesday Aug 2014

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Robin Williams.  Dead way too early.

Williams was one of those people I’ve grown up with in a way.  His comedy and acting has been a part of my life for many years.  To hear of his death, presumably by suicide is certainly saddening.  Stories are out that he was suffering from depression.

I hate to say I sort of understand but I feel like I do.  Oh, I realize my scope of understanding is limited to my tiny world and not any research or scientific study I have done.  I do not want to admit that I have suffered from depression or any other clinically labeled issues but I probably have.  I have suffered through emotional and mental ups and downs and the toll, at times, has clouded how I have seen the gift of life and relationships.  I wonder if Williams knew how many people he touched and, if he did, why it didn’t make enough difference in his mind to stop him.  It’s a point where my questions give way to a lack of complete understanding.

In my world, I fall back on faith.  As I think about it, I find it a bit curious that I turn to something I probably don’t understand any better than I do depression and other clinical/medical issues.  I suppose I believe I understand it better.  At the very least, it is something I rather grab onto in the midst of a crisis because I certainly believe in God, certainly believe in an after-life that offers a beautiful new life and certainly believe that because of God, I have something more to offer here before I go.  I wish Williams had something in his life that would have allowed him to hang on, to persevere and to move past whatever it was that caused him to choose the path he did.

Many in my faith tradition will disparage those who commit suicide while I choose to believe God embraces them in his arms and is still weeping when he meets them knowing the pain they were going through on this earth.  I do not advocate suicide and would never applaud it while at the same time believing I understand, even a miniscule amount, of what might cause someone to choose it over life.  Maybe because of that, I feel bad there wasn’t more someone could do, wasn’t more Williams would have believed in to allow him to go through hell and keep going.

Godspeed Robin Williams.  You will be missed.

Grace and peace.

Numbers and Confirmation

28 Monday Jul 2014

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I have a degree in accounting and accounting bores me to tears.  I got the degree because it is the one my parents said they would help pay for and I’m good enough with numbers to know that was hard to pass up.  Even though I don’t prefer accounting work, the numbers are now a part of me and something I understand pretty well.  As I have gone through times of consulting with business owners, I always tell them the numbers are great for planning and reporting but it is the execution that matters most.  Numbers are important in confirming what has happened and answering questions we want to know about something.  Numbers are objective and to some degree take emotion and desire out of responses.  While numbers are as good as the information used to process them, they do tell a story.

This weekend, I got results from an assessment I took along with responses from my VSW.  I have had a feeling about this woman for quite sometime but my accounting training and reliance on objective numbers had led me to be very curious about how we matched up.  Oh my!  We met with someone to discuss the results with us yesterday.  I was confident going in and ecstatic coming out of that time.  I won’t share details but suffice it to say that today is a very good day in my heart and in my head.  There were other confirmations of the same thing that was in my heart over the weekend and it all built to a point of me knowing that my head and heart were in concert and beautiful music was being played.

I am the first to say that I do not know how God works.  I do not know when the acts or does not act even though there are times I think I know it.  I do not know how he chooses to act towards good things and bad things in peoples lives.  All of this is open for much debate and all I can honestly say is that I have so much to learn about God.  That said, today I believe this with all my being.  He has opened his hand in front of me and presented a gift in my life that is radiant and beautiful.  Today, I choose to believe he has acted with favor in my life and given me a gift in the form of a woman, a VSW (very special woman for any new readers), that will bless me and challenge me and love me and share hope with me for all the days ahead.

As I have said in the past, my blog is written by me and to me about things I am dealing with and experiencing today.  For those of you who are reading my notes to myself you know I write often about struggle and pain.  While struggle and pain are a part of life, I do not want to miss the goodness and glory of life and today I am celebrating the extreme joy I get to experience too.  Where I recently wrote about the feeling of being the boxer knocked down over and over, today I have the feeling of a child joyfully running through water, splashing and playing and having the time of my life.  The vision changes from a swimming pool to a beach and back and forth but the idea remains constant.  Simply joy.  It is filled with the laughter that comes from the joy of play, from the joy of happiness, from the joy of feeling like this feeling is all there ever was, is and will be.  Today is one of those days I do not want to forget.  I want it on a loop that plays over and over and I trust it will be there in my mind.

YHWH, while I do not begin to assume I know your ways, today I believe I am experiencing the goodness you have lavished on me.  I believe I see what the future can be, not in a specific kind of way but in an emotional and spiritual way.  Thank you is not enough but it they are the only words I have.  I will try to live the rest of my days respecting and honoring the gift you have laid in my path and in doing so, honor you.  Amen.

Grace and peace.