Will It End?

04 Wednesday Jun 2014

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I really, really want to write a feel good story. I really do.

In the last few days, I’ve experienced severe loneliness. Almost debilitating loneliness. Loneliness that makes one think thoughts they can’t put on their blog. In the last few days, I’ve had a friend tell me about the struggles of his life, his marriage and his reason to keep on living. In the last few days, I’ve had a friend tell me about the struggles of her life, about the impending death of someone very, very close to her and the fallout that may accompany it from family members.

Pain. Intense pain. Pain that takes the mind to the deepest, darkest recesses of thought.

Will it end? Will pain in this lifetime relent? Will pain give way to joy? Or even numbness?

Will it end? Will pain give way to hope? Will it give way to just a moment of peace?

I see people who seem to have good lives. They seem to have everything they want on top of everything they need. I see people who enjoy vacations and good jobs and freedom from debt. I see them. I wonder what it would be like to be them for a day…a week…a year…a lifetime. Can they imagine what I know as a reality? Can they imagine what my friends are going through?

I have hope that one day the pain will end. I don’t know if it will be in this life or another but I have hope that it will be sooner rather than later.

Will it end? I hope so. For me. For my friends. For those I see who hurt with intense pain that few understand or want to imagine. I hope so.

Grace and peace.

Hope?

25 Sunday May 2014

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faith, hope, pain

“Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness” (Job 30:26)

I will start by admitting that I am writing from a very painful place right now. My heart is heavy and my emotions are fueling the pain I feel in my bones. In these times, it is easy to see the darkness. That said, I think there is much more darkness around me and others than any of us care to admit. Cancer. Molestation. Addiction. Murder. War. Evil. There is a lot of darkness in our daily lives. I also realize there is much more good and light than I see at times. People are doing things everyday to help others that no one ever knows. Prayers are raised up. Acts of kindness and compassion. Charity and goodwill shared.

Hope is one of those double-edged emotions. On the one hand, hope inspires and offers a glimpse of what might be. On the other hand, hope causes me to look at the reality of a situation and see that this present moment is not good even though I choose to believe I will prevail in the end. Some people are eternal optimists who always believe things will work out and some, like me, walk a fine line with hope that allows for the pain of the situation that is creating the hope. There is also the potential for a lack of hope. It leads to a brokenness that is full of pain and may lead to a brokenhearted end.

The challenge of hope is the shaky ground it is often built on. In my situation, it doesn’t take much for me to want to abandon hope momentarily. My situation is very hard on me and there are certain markers I have each week that allow me to hold onto that hope. If the ground shakes and the markers move, my first reaction is to throw up my hands, abandon hope, lay down in a ball and wait to die. I don’t handle these moments well. I will admit that. I do not believe I am a fatalist but I can adopt that attitude at times because my marker changed, moved or disappeared. Basically, the rope I was pulling on to get me to the shore and dry ground got yanked out of my hand and now I have to paddle while the current is trying to push me back into the sea. I was so close and then, poof, I have to start over.

That is the dark side of me and my hope. While I fight that battle, I find myself continuing to hope. At this point in my journey I cannot explain why I continue to put faith in God. It would be easy to justify the course of my life as random events and nothing to do with a supreme being that I cannot see or hear or touch. For some reason, I choose to believe. Maybe it’s because of a great question a close friend asked me one time. “What else? If you won’t believe in God, what will you believe in?” Belief still gives me someone to call out to. Belief still gives me someone to hope in. Belief allows me to think I will prevail at some point. Belief allows me to stand up after I have been on my knees weeping from the current emotion. Belief fuels hope for what is much further away than I want but I will hope it’s still out there.

The Stockdale Paradox suggests that I never lose hope but I accept that my present reality is not good, not kind and not forgiving. Admiral James Stockdale was a prisoner of war who endured torture unlike anything I want to imagine and lived through it. He is quoted as saying it was the optimists who died in that POW camp because their hearts broke when their optimism was crushed after a year or years of captivity. He accepted the reality and brutality of his situation while maintaining the hope he would, one day, be free. He didn’t set a time limit on his hope, just that “one day” it would be realized.

So many would suggest I look for the good in the present moment but they are not in my shoes. Most do not understand what I am experiencing. Keep your chin up, be glad you have a paycheck and be thankful for what you do have are all nice sentiments, and maybe they are words to live by to some extent, but they do not make the experience less real within me. The present moment isn’t good, kind or forgiving compared with the hope I have for what life will be like when my hope is realized. I must accept that my hope may never be realized. I may never have the relationships I hope for, the daily life that I hope for, the opportunities I hope for but, while acknowledging those possibilities, I continue to hope boldly for things to happen that make no sense at this moment.

It is hope that both hurts so much for what I do not have and allows me to take one more step forward trusting that God will give me favor and bless me greatly one day. The pain today is real and it is intense. It is consumed with a marker that was moved, an opportunity lost, a hope not realized. Yet more hope remains. It may not look anything like what I am dreaming it to be in my head but it remains.

Grace and peace.

Why?

15 Thursday May 2014

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faith, hope, love, pain, struggles, why

Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

I have been walking through a season or seasons of life for the past 15 years that have included a lot of “why” thoughts. I don’t understand why I have had to go down this path. I look back and see things I have learned that have moved me ahead but I have not been able to enjoy many of the fruits of that learning in ways I can see or understand. As a believer in YHWH, it is painful at times to wonder why I am in seasons of pain or seasons of frustration or seasons of complete lack of vision or revelation. I believe God has given me gifts and talents and I do not feel like I have the platform to use them effectively. I am separated from people I love and want to be close to, want to hold on to, want to enjoy being in their presence. I don’t know why.

Last night, I was asked how I bear what I do. I was with someone who was struggling through some tough days. The comment was made about how I get through my tough days and it’s honestly the why that is the answer. I get through them because I need income to take care of my children. I get through them because I need a job to keep moving forward because forwards is where a future lies with someone I love. They are the why.

Bearing the how isn’t easy or pretty for me. No one sees many of the tears I cry. No one hears the screams when I call out to God to deliver me from this pain. No one knows all the dark thoughts that go through my head. Bearing the how isn’t easy or pretty.

The why, the reasons I bear this season, is beautiful. I have an incredibly intelligent and beautiful daughter who needs me to come through for her. I have an outstanding son, a man of character with an incredible future, who needs me to come through for him. I have a woman in my life who is showing me what love looks like and I want to learn more from her and return all that she gives me.

I’m tired. My body isn’t holding up well to the stress. My mind isn’t performing at it’s highest level because of the anxiety. My spirit is weak and I need God to hold me up more than ever. I press on because there are people in my life I want to encourage, to lift up and to push forward. Along with the three I mentioned, I have some incredible friends who love me for some reason and want the best for me also. And, as weak as my faith seems at times, it is still present. I choose to believe God has something in store for me. So I press on.

Grace and peace.

Let Her Love You

08 Thursday May 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in God's love, Life

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dark, Fear, joy, light, love, pain

This post is very different from the first one that was scheduled for this time. It’s also very different than the second one that was scheduled for this time. Both were dark and dealt with hard, scary thoughts from the deepest recesses of fear and doubt and unworthiness. I had gone to those places with a friend who was struggling at the same time I was struggling and we both dove deep into our hurts. I thought that was how this week would go; dark and filled with fear. Until I heard, “let her love you.”

I am a man blessed with some INCREDIBLE friends. Our sins are laid bare in front of each other and our hearts are handled with love and care between each other. I talked to one of them on the phone and we got around to struggles and some I was having with my own insecurities. I have been given a gift in the form of a woman who loves me by every evidence I can see. Where I see ugliness in myself, she speaks beauty back to me. Where I see hurt in myself, she speaks healing. Where I see turmoil within myself, she speaks calm. Yet, I continue a self-talk pattern of unworthiness. I have heard I am not good enough for so long that I have allowed myself to believe it. She is trying hard to convince me otherwise. I struggle with allowing myself to trust her goodness completely and I have tried to hang on to my heart in spite of her efforts to hold it, caress it, love it.

My friend said, “let her love you.” Let her. Quit fighting against it and let it happen. He says I’m worthy of love. So did another friend who called the day before and told me he needed me in his life for the hard times. So did another friend who texts me 3-7 times a day reminding me that I am loved and all other voices are liars. (I told you I had incredible friends!) “Let her love you.”

For the last day and a half, I have tried to lay down my wounds and my scars and my fears and my self-doubt and just let her love me. That mantra is resonating in my mind as I begin to trust her with my heart and with my self-worth. Thursday afternoon, we had a conversation on FaceTime. It’s a great tool because you can see the person and read the body language. Everything about that conversation told me she loved me, she trusted me and she was willing to hand her heart over to me. Everything I saw in her eyes and in her body language told me she loves me. Everything I heard in her words told me she was willing and ready to help me do whatever was needed to feel better about myself. Everything I saw and heard said, “let me love you.”

To “let” her means to make a choice. I choose whether she gets to love me or not. I already told her my desire to let her love me and that I will begin to be intentional in allowing her into places that bring me fear; I CHOOSE to let her in.

“Let her love you.” Thank you Dennis. Your words were the words of God. What they really meant were “Let me (God) love you through my instrument on earth.”

“Let me love you.” Thank you Kelly for seeing me through God’s eyes and being willing to tell me over and over and over what you see. You are a gift from above.

Grace and peace.

Stretchhhhhhhhhh

01 Thursday May 2014

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faith, pain, refresh, renewal, storm, stretch

You know what I’m talking about. You roll out of bed in the morning, stand up and take that long stretch to get blood flowing through your body once more. It feels good and refreshing. The blood pumping through your muscles makes you feel alive again. Sometimes, however, the stretch isn’t completely pleasant. I’m getting old and stretching for me means that some joints and ailments scream a little bit. I might feel a shooting pain through my shoulder or in my back near my rib cage. For a moment it hurts but when the stretch is over and blood is flowing again, here comes that good feeling.

The good thing about stretching is that you can do it quickly. You can spend time stretching also, if you want or need to work certain areas of the body a little more. It can take 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Either way, it’s not long.

Faith is a stretching exercise. Faith pulls on some things that need to be worked on. Faith targets some areas that need more work. Faith, when realized, also leaves a refreshed feeling. Just like the blood pumping through the muscles of my body after physically stretching, faith sends blood pumping through my heart for God. Faith is good. Faith is fulfilling. Faith can take 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Or years and years.

That’s where faith gets hard. Imagine doing the same stretching exercises for 6 months without stopping. That’s a lot of stretching. Consider that same faith through the darkest, hardest storm you can imagine. It’s not easy. Maybe it’s a shooting pain for some or a long dull throbbing ache for others. Imagine doing those stretching exercises for 5 years non-stop. 10 years. How long do you accept the pain that might come with the exercise before giving up on stretching? On faith?

Job. Jonah. Abraham. Moses. David. The apostles. People of faith. Heroes to many of us who read the Bible and believe in the power of God. People of faith…who questioned God; who tried to hide; who sin against God; who made excuses and asked the same questions over and over.

I look at those names and a host of others and think “I could never be a person of faith like them.” Or could I? You see, I question God. I try to hide. I sin repeatedly. I make excuses and ask the same questions over and over and I try to negotiate and bargain. And, just maybe, I am more like them than I allow myself to imagine sometimes.

Faith can be painful. Like me stretching, it comes with some pain. Sometimes that pain is intense and drops me to my knees just like a rib in my back pushing on a nerve does. Sometimes it sends shooting pains through me just like my shoulder that was overworked from too much pitching. Sometimes it is a constant, throbbing ache just like the arthritis in my back and the pain in my knees and hip. It hurts and while I exercise faith, hoping for that same sensation I get at the end of a stretch, it seems to take much longer than 30 seconds or 30 minutes to realize it. I, like so many others, am going on years of a constant stretch waiting for the good feeling, waiting to see God work, waiting to see the rewards of my faith and to rest easier with the blood pumping and the body and mind feeling refreshed, feeling good, feeling confident, aware of God’s work in my life.

I know I am already experiencing benefits of my faith. Great kids that I cannot believe are mine. A good woman who is an encourager, a caregiver, a balance and a friend. Some incredible friends who love me in spite of my failings, insecurities and times of insanity. They all prove the stretching is worthwhile but there is still some stretching to go. I know because I still feel some of the pain. So, I keep stretching until I know it is time to feel the reward, to feel the renewal and refreshing of a good, long stretch.

This from the storms in Arkansas…

Grace and peace.

Hard Things

28 Monday Apr 2014

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death, faith, hope, life, pain

The weekend has left me drained. Hard conversations. Death. A lack of understanding of what or if God is working in my life. It was a weekend of hard things and it is a day of reflecting on hard things.

Someone I knew fairly well and though very highly of was killed in a car wreck this weekend. Sadly, the wreck involved another family and they were killed also. It’s a tragedy. There is no other word I know to describe it. Why does a mother have to die? Why does and good woman, a servant, have to die so young? Why did another family have to die? God, we cry out for revelation.

Why does God sit idly by while the storms of life beat us down? Why does God sit idly by when I want to crawl in a hole and hide?

Life is hard right now. It’s nothing like the script I would write for myself or for so many others I know. I know evil exists in this world and I believe in the unseen spiritual battles. I believe in God’s power. I just can’t understand nor have the revelation to understand why He lets me get battered around and beaten down. I can live with the idea that there is a reason and I can live with the idea that my faith trumps my need to know what the reason is. But, when I reach that place where my spirit is almost defeated and my faith is weak, why then?

A sweet, sweet person in my life keeps telling me I’m strong. I appreciate the perspective because all I can feel is my grip slipping and the imminent danger of falling off the ledge. Oh God, I cry out for revelation.

I cry out to be filled with hope again.

I cry out to be restored and be given favor.

I cry out to be returned to the people I love and who love me.

I know God has the power. I believe He can make it happen. So, I continue to cry out to Him.

Life is a hard thing. So I cry out to the one who created life and beg for his mercy and grace and blessings.

I cry out.

Grace and peace.

It Goes Deep

09 Wednesday Apr 2014

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God, hope, love, pain

I used to think of myself as someone who could withstand pain. I played through it in sports. I challenged people to “games” of enduring pain and always walked away proud of myself for what I could take. I thought I knew pain and had it whipped.

Then I met real pain. A family lost. Loneliness. Silence. The feeling of abandonment. I met real pain and learned I am not so tough. I have learned how deep pain can go and I have learned that there is no amount of mental effort I can exert that will make it easier or even bearable. Real pain isn’t at the muscle level but at the heart and at the soul level.

As the pain has intensified, I have gone through a litany of emotions. Anger with God. Pleading with God. Abandonment of faith. Faith is all I have. Hope. Fear. Failure. Unworthy. Loved.

I’ve called a couple of close friends lately and let them know I feel like I’m at the end of the rope. One prayed with me that I would hear a new word from God soon. My current situation causes me to shed lots of tears, to SCREAM out in pain that goes deep, into the core of my being. That prayer from my friend and the next day I’m on a call that is giving me hope. I don’t know that it’s the way out of my pain but it was a conversation that led me to believe there is hope, that there is a new and brighter day coming. It cannot come soon enough because each day that I wake up, I want to hide under the covers and not face the day ahead of me. There are a couple of situations I can pinpoint as the cause and there is no easy away around them. So I pray for a new word, a new outlook, a new understanding of where God is leading me. I pray it will be a journey out of this pain and into the light, into the sunshine and cool breeze. I pray it will be a walk that is closer with God and closer with someone I love dearly and with my closest and best of friends.

This pain goes so deep and it hurts constantly. No amount of Advil or alcohol could take it away. Only God can. Only God can take me somewhere that allows me to feel renewed and revived and pain free. I read something today that said God is closest to us in the darkness, that is where his power is most evident. I long to see it and pray he will give me relief very, very soon. The pain is deep. It is crushing my spirit.

It is because I know this pain that I can imagine what it is like to live without it, to live in the pure and total joy of God, to soak in the blessings he has without these things that attempt to destroy me. I want to live a life full and free with his purpose for me as the guiding light and to revel in the unburdened freedom of his love for me. I want it because I know that feeling of freedom and love goes deep. I know it can and will go to the core of my being. I know that it will fill me up and I pray that I will overflow from the deepest recesses of my being with the joy that comes from being a child of God and walking in his goodness.

Grace and peace.

Heart Transplant

03 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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faith, hope, life, misery, pain, struggle

Several years ago I did a sermon based on a friend who had a heart transplant. The idea of the lesson was that is what God does for us when we decide to be a disciple of Jesus. He gives us a new spiritual heart. The desires, the hopes, the goals that pumped out of my heart changed when I decided to follow Jesus. My new spiritual heart gave me new life. Eternal life.

Last night I got to hear another story of a woman who had undergone a heart transplant. The story of her suffering and her fear was real and left many people with tears streaming down their face. The story of the life that was lost to give her a new heart was heartbreaking. The story of the victory and the incredible recovery that doctors cannot explain is uplifting. There were several comments she made that resonated with me.

Our misery is the worst misery we know. She struggled at times. She questioned God at times. She didn’t understand why she was going through all of those things. She could also look at others and think she was grateful she didn’t know their misery but it didn’t make her misery less painful. Oh, how I experience that every day.

Our story is meant to be shared. Others going through difficult times need to know they are not alone even when our walks may be somewhat different. We don’t share so we can tell them what to do though. We share so they know we are there when they need to grab onto something to keep from falling into oblivion. I know that feeling from both sides.

We are victors. Psalms 23 says, “when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” David didn’t say when we are made to live forever in the valley or that we would be stuck in the valley. We walk through it. I feel like I have been walking through the valley for years but I keep walking. Along the way I am reminded that I have great kids, that I have met a wonderful woman and that I have friends who help carry me at times. I’m still walking through it and “through it” is something I need to remember. Winston Churchill is credited with say, “when you are going through hell, keep going.” He stole that from Psalms 23 I think.

I am reminded that we are not promised easy days. Man, how I want some easy days. I dread coming to work many days but I need the paycheck and I want to make a difference. There’s so much opposition to me making that difference and it comes from the attitudes of the leadership. That’s hard to face but I keep walking through it. Maybe, one day, the valley will lead me out of here in a different direction. Maybe, one day, I’ll find myself on the mountaintop and out of this pit. So, I keep walking through it.

Heart transplants, like all good things from above, don’t come without pain, without surgery, without course corrections, without misery and yet it leads to life. I can’t wait to have an abundant life. A life with less turmoil, less stress, less worries. Some of that will come from inside of me and much of it will come from God. I pray he is speedy. Until then, I keep walking through it.

Grace and peace.

Someone Always Has It Worse?

18 Tuesday Mar 2014

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empathy, pain, silence

One of my points in my Job lesson was that we Christ-followers need to empathize better. We need to be at peace with the lack of peace. And with silence.

Job’s friends did a great job of supporting him for 7 days. Not a word was spoken among them. Then the 8th day came and everything fell apart. His friends were full of advice, full of the wisdom that comes with not having a clue what someone is going through but feeling like you need to say something.

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.” – The Desiderata

The peace there may be in silence.

I have very dear friends who lost a daughter a few years back. I remember hearing people tell them “God had a plan” and “read this book and it will help” and “sometimes we don’t understand until later” which may all be well and good. At some point. BUT IT’S NOT GOOD IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF THE MOST INTENSE PAIN!

God has a plan in their daughter dying? Please! Do enlighten us. God has a plan for a divorce? Please! Share this great understanding of yours. Read a book or listen to a sermon? Oh yes, that is exactly what I want to do when I feel like my insides are being ripped out of my body. We’ll understand later? Then SHUT UP because if I don’t know and you don’t know we don’t need to pretend we know we will understand later.

As I come through a divorce and share the pain, especially for my kids, people still say, “maybe it will help them down the road.” Yes, and just maybe they will become serial killers too. Don’t dampen my spirits and don’t give me false hope. No one knows what will happen so just be quiet.

Bart is one of my very best friends. When I am in pain, when I want the world to end, when 300 pounds of tears flow out of my 250 pound body, Bart has a pretty standard line. “I love you and I am here for you.” Bart knows my pain and he knows he doesn’t have any more insight into the future than I do. He doesn’t try to “help” or tell me someone else has it worse. He simply lets me know he is there. He doesn’t try to force his way in or figure it out. He simply hurts with me until I’m ready to talk, ready to seek advice, ready to find ways to nullify the pain. Bart will run through brick walls for me if I ask. AND, he will sit quietly with me.

I think Job wishes he would have had friends that would have been quiet awhile longer. Most of us don’t have some great wisdom that no one else has. Most of us don’t understand the pain someone else is going through, even when we have lived through similar situations because no situation has the same mix of characters, personalities and issues.

Christ-followers need to empathize with the hurting, with those who can’t see through the darkness, with those who want to curl up and die instead of facing the pain of this life, even when it’s temporary. Empathy doesn’t come from worldly wisdom, it comes with presence.

Be quiet. Be present.

Grace and peace.

There Are Battles

13 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith, Life

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darkness, hope, light, pain

When you stop to think about it, I’m not a very cheerful writer. I talk about my difficulties, my obstacles, the things that knock me to my knees. Those things are often front of mind because I know so many other people who struggle and are afraid to admit it. Or don’t know they can admit it. Or don’t think they have an acceptable outlet to admit it. I’m always on the lookout for those people to let them know, YES, there are battles. AND, yes, we can overcome them. Or at least get through them.

Last week, I had the privilege to speak to men at a church in a fairly small Texas town. A country town. An agricultural town. A man’s man town.

I talked about Job. I talked about struggles. I talked about some dark days I have been through. I assured them that we can look at Job’s life and know that one day things will be better. The wounds may not completely heal. The scars may not go away. One day things will be better. In this life or another but God will lead us through if we are faithful. That doesn’t mean perfect. In my darkest hours, I yell at God, furiously, with anger and say things I shouldn’t say. My darkness hurts. Bad. Yet, I get through it because I eventually remember that I am not in control of this messed up world and I simply need to look for a sliver of light in the moment.

Two men approached me after the lesson with the same message. “I don’t think I would have killed myself but I have faced a challenge that was so dark, I can now understand how someone could go there.”

Wow. These were two men’s men, show no weakness, pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of men. At that moment, I was there outlet to say something they have never said to anyone else. Their outlet to let it go. Their outlet to be affirmed that darkness sometimes overwhelms us.

I’m sure some people get tired of listening to my darkness stories but some people need to know that there is someone out there who understands, who empathizes and has compassion for others who face darkness. I like to think of myself as an instrument of peace, a place where they can share hurt and find peace on the other side. I like to think that is how God uses me.

Next week will be some of my points from the lesson on Job. Nothing new. Nothing profound. Just simple thoughts from a simple brain that hopefully will help me always remember that there is light coming to take over darkness.

I am blessed. I have two incredible kids. I have the love of a remarkable woman. I have some incredible friends who I can share anything with who will pick me up and help hold me upright until I’m ready to walk on my own again. There is light in my darkness. Always has been. Always will be.

Grace and peace.