Tag Archives: pain

When Whining Doesn’t Work

07 Tuesday Jan 2014

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I’ve been reading and listening to Dr. Brene Brown a lot recently.  She has some incredible research on shame, vulnerability and fear and I’m soaking it all in.  One of her comments is that her “gift” is to research and understand these areas because it puts joy, happiness and love in context for her.  I feel that statement describes me perfectly.  I seem to enjoy looking at suffering and the pain of life events, not to dwell in the darkness but to appreciate the context of light.

So, I sit here, in a foreign place away from friends and family and love and wonder why?  Why me?  Why here?  Why now?

And then, I read a blog where the author writes about peace in uncertainty and how we can thrive in uncertain times.  HEY LADY, can’t I just whine for a while?

A close friend sends me an email with Joshua 1:8 in a note and it leads me to my Bible where I’ve highlighted Joshua 1:9.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.

Today is one of those days I’m led to see light in context, to see goodness in the midst of hurt, to feel hope when I’m down.  Tomorrow night I start a class at church I’ve been waiting for, one that I believe will rock my world and turn me upside down and inside out.  I think I’m in this time and place for different reasons, one certainly being what I believe I’ll experience over the next 7-8 Wednesday nights.

I say I whine but really I think I just feel authentic pain in my situation.  Then a day like today comes along and I see the pain in context and know I am allowed to see pain so I can empathize with others; and I’m allowed to see light so I can promise those in pain there is hope.

Grace and peace.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumbllllleeeeeeee…

19 Thursday Dec 2013

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I think God enjoys wrestling with me.  The past few years have been spiritual wrestling matches where I’ve battled who I thought I was and what I thought had been taught and knew.  The changes have been crazy at times, painful at times and full of peace and joy at times.  I’m wrestling again.

I’ve found much comfort the past year in reading Jesus Calling.  I feel like it speaks directly to me and my situation so often.  I know many other people who feel the same way but I’m sure it was written directly to me some days.  Today is one of those days where the words take me to the wrestling mat.

The past 15 years of my life have been a struggle.  Personal relationships, business relationships, intimate relationships…struggle, struggle, struggle.  Through it all I have consistently grown closer to God.  There are days I feel like I have no faith left, none whatsoever, and then I find myself praying to God telling him I’ve run out of faith.  Sounds kind of crazy to pray to the being you’ve lost faith in, huh?  So, I take it my faith is growing stronger because I say things to God that would scare many people I know.  I think I’m either crazy or my faith is so strong I can say anything to God and believe he deals with it pretty well.  Maybe he laughs at my foolishness.  Maybe he gets a little angry and wants to throw a lightning bolt at me.

I remember a time I was telling my daughter she needed to do a better job of something and she fired back, “well, I don’t have a very good example, do I?”  BOOM!  My first inclination was to tell her how the cow at the cabbage, show her who’s boss, put my foot down…all those things.  But I held my tongue and soaked it in that day.  The next day, I reminded her of the conversation and then threw this little zinger back at her.  “Honey, if I’m your example, your sights are set far too low.  When Jesus is your example, then you will be on target.”

I can’t help but think that’s what God is trying to tell me.  I’m frustrated because I see a tormentor having an easier life and living better than me.  “Jeff, if that’s your example of a good life, your sights are set way too low.  Look at Jesus’ life and follow his example.”  I’m frustrated because I’m not sleeping in my own bed most nights and not near the people I want to see every chance I get.  “Jeff, it those are the things you are focused on, your sights are set way too low.  Focus on Jesus.  Remember what he did and why he did it.  Be his disciple even when it’s uncomfortable.”

I’ve got to be honest and say I don’t think God is telling me to be happy in my circumstances or even to be grateful.  Oh, I’ve read James 1:2 and I still don’t think it’s God telling me to be happy about my pain and frustration and fears.  No, I think he’s telling me to focus on what is really important.

Clarity

28 Tuesday May 2013

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“The problem with clarity is you might not like what you see.” – Ryan Morrison

My friend spoke these words this weekend and they have stuck with me.  I always want to see the picture more clearly thinking it will bring understanding and insight.  While that is true, I seldom think I might not like what I see; that seeing the truth may call for changes, major changes, even hard changes.  I want clarity when it brings me new hope and new paths full of roses and sunshine.  I am not as big a fan of clarity when it helps bring light to the dark I didn’t have to look at before.

Seeing God with more clarity is a double edged sword.  I get to see the Creator and Savior of all, the LORD sitting on a throne shining more brightly than I can begin to imagine right now.  And in this moment, I also can see the areas where God wants to keep molding, shaping, chiseling to remake me into His image.  In the long run (which is where my focus really needs to be), the molding and re-shaping will make me stronger, more refined but there may be pain in the making.

It is in these moment of clarity I get to choose what I want – comfort or joy.  Comfort for today or joy for the days to come.  With clarity, I can see where I am and I can see where I am headed.  What I fail to realize is that even in the comfort I think I might have today, there is worry, fear, trepidation about what might happen next.  In looking to the future, I can see the journey has turns, bumps and hills to climb but I can appreciate, if not enjoy, those obstacles knowing there is great beauty and peace ahead.

Grace and peace.

A Bad Week

20 Saturday Apr 2013

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Last week was tough.  Hard.  Bad.  Boston, MA and West, TX were the highlights of a week of bad news, death, tragedy and pain.  The question “why?” keeps coming to the forefront of my mind.  I know I will not get an answer anytime soon and don’t need one.

As I write this, I’m listening to Fox News and their reporters certainly want to get to the bottom of the how, why and who of the two men suspected of setting the bombs off in Boston.  (Note: I am not a Fox News fan.)  Supposedly they are Russian.  Maybe they are Muslim.  Whatever they are or were, they both had hearts turned against a loving God and likely had wounds that drove them to do such disastrous things.

As I think on this the thought of how bad so many hate “radical Muslims”, call them terrorists and think they deserve the harshest response they get.  It leads to so many questions for me.  How do those people respond to “radical Christians” and the tyranny they bring to killing and hating those they oppose?  Why are people who come into the country and kill Americans with bombs terrorists but crazy folks who walk into a theater or school with a gun not terrorists?

Our society is bad about putting layers or priorities to the bad things that happen in our world and happen to us.  So is the church.

I look forward to the day I treat everyone as a child of God, scarred by the world, sinful and broken.  In these times, I pray I treat them equally and love them equally.  I am not saying discipline is not a response, only that I want to be careful to treat those who hurt me with the same measure God would require.

“Do to others as you would have them do to you” applies in the good times and the bad times.  It’s not always easy though.

Grace and peace.

Memories

16 Saturday Feb 2013

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I get sentimental.  It’s true.  I think about days past, about the people and places that have been a part of my life, about the ups and downs, the great events and the lowest moments.  I think about memories.

I have spent my hours on some misbegotten dreams, and I have spent my money on some foolish-hearted things, and I have spent my memories on old and bitter wine.  –
Robert Earl Keen, Jr., I Would Change My Life

When I look back, I see so much devastation.  There are memories of my children.  There are beautiful and scenic vacation vistas.  There are big rainbow trout at the end of a fly line.  There are Christmases and fireworks.  Lots of good things.  Yet, I think back on my memories as misbegotten dreams, as foolish-hearted things, as old and bitter wine.

Maybe it’s because my wounds of recent pains still hurt so bad.  Maybe I am pessimistic and just don’t want to believe it.  Maybe it’s because some people around me seem to have little hope at times or remember the good things as the roads not traveled.

I hope time and prayer and faith and good friends will help my thought of memories change.  I hope to remember the bad times as learning experiences and see the good things I’ve taken from them.  I’m not there yet.  Maybe tomorrow.

Grace and peace.

Foreigner and Terry

08 Tuesday Jan 2013

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I got addicted to The Voice this year and enjoyed every minute of it.  One of my favorite singers was a young man named Terry who sang several rock classics.  One of those classics was “I Want To Know What Love Is” by Foreigner.  It was a song I really liked way back and when and Terry did a great job of performing it again.  And it resonated more with me than ever before.

I want to know what love is.

I know I have had people who have loved me in my lifetime but so often the love was conditional.  It was based on something other than unconditional love for who I am and that shaped how I see love today.  It shaped how I accept love.  And give love.

I want to know what love is.

The forming, the molding of how I view what love is started early and was based on conditions of my actions, my words, my productivity.  Today, I struggle to believe God can love me and if I struggle with that, how in the world can I believe a human being could ever love me.  That they can or have is secondary to whether I believe they can.  In the song, there is line that says, “In my life I’ve seen heartache and pain, I don’t know if I can face it again.”  In the next lines he expresses that he has moved forward and can’t stop now.  I, on the other hand, still can.

I want to know what love is.

I believe I have had one person, maybe two, who wanted to give me unconditional love but in my life, I’ve seen heartache and pain and I don’t know if I can face it again.  I believe God wants to give unconditional love to every person I come in contact with.  Every person other than me.  I realize I have allowed the concept of love to be shaped by people and not by God.  I just don’t know how to undo it.  So, when someone did want to try and love me unconditionally, I stopped them because I knew I would stumble, my performance would falter, I would make a mistake and I don’t want to feel the heartache and pain.  So I move on.

I want to know what love is.

I know the loneliness of not letting anyone love me.  I know the loneliness of not letting myself love another.  I live it…and I don’t know how to undo it.

I want to know what love is.

One thing I have is hope.  Hope that I’ll open my heart to love.  Hope that I’ll let go of the heartache and pain I’ve known and that I’ve inflicted.  Hope that I will walk with God knowing His love.  Hope that I’ll walk with other people knowing they can and will love me.  Today it’s only hope.  I’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I want to know what love is.

Grace and peace.

Surely

07 Monday Jan 2013

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Surely the Lord is in this place.

I am in Abilene, Texas to attend a week of classes for my Masters program at Abilene Christian University.  I love this place.  I got settled in my room and went for a walk around campus.  It was an interesting walk with me pleading with God to straighten out my employment status and lead me to transform my heart status (spiritual, not physical) I also begin to feel His presence.  As I approached the statue of Jacob’s Ladder, I felt it even more and I began to pray that one day, sooner or later, that I’ll be a part of this school and campus in some way.  I love being around students.  I love being around people who are striving to grow.  I love being in this place where I feel God’s presence.

I’m not over the struggles I wrote about Saturday.  In fact, they are still very real and very painful but I appreciate the time I had today, the time where I asked God to cover me in His presence and He did.  I hope I keep on feeling it, all week, every day, every minute.  In the meantime, I will keep reminding myself that God is in this place even when I was not aware of Him.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2028&version=NIV

Grace and peace.

This Present Moment

05 Saturday Jan 2013

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I hear much teaching about living in the present moment.  Don’t dwell on the past too much.  Don’t worry about the future too much.  Live fully today.

Today I’m crying.  Buckets full of tears.

In this present moment, I feel the separation from my children in profound, heart-aching deep pains.  In this present moment, my past hits me like a freight train and my future is somewhat defined.  I am crying out to God, “Why?” and “Where are you right now?” as I seek comfort for my situation yet I feel no comfort.  Only the pain of loss and of being alone.  I curse this house, seemingly far too big at this moment.  A few nights ago, when some of my daughters friends were here and I enjoyed their voices and their laughter, this house was right-sized.  Today, it is massive.  As I wash the sheets they slept on and make the beds they were in, pick up cups and throw away trash from the parties and meals we had, I think about sitting by them, hugging them, listening to them and I simply want more.  More time.  More touching.  More voices.  In this present moment, I am hurting.  And crying.  I have my dog here to comfort me and be my companion and I am leaving him today, gone for a week where I will be somewhat alone, he completely alone except for the neighbors and hopefully my kids coming by to check on him.

In this present moment, I am hurting.  I try to be still and know God is God yet without my children, without a job, alone here in this present moment, I can’t help but ask God where He is and what He is doing.  The bills don’t quit coming.  The expectations of providing for my children don’t quit coming.  The child support payment doesn’t quit coming.

This present moment is filled with sadness.  And hurt.  And anger.  I hope you didn’t come here to read about how life is all sunshine and roses.  Right now, in this present moment, outside my window it is overcast and cold.  It feels the same way within me.

Will there be better days?  I expect so.  Will my kids grow up knowing their Dad loves them?  I hope so.  Will a job come, will I have to sell my house and move again, will the pressures I feel today subside (or get worse)?  Will the next present moment or the moment in a week or a month be one that allows me to look back at today as a small point in time?  Surely it will but this present moment is not a pleasant moment.  That’s just life.  My friends know when they ask how I am doing, they will likely get honesty, not a simple “fine” or “OK”.  People who meet me are sometimes surprised and likely regretful they asked how I was doing.  Regular readers of this blog know this is my space to be honest with myself.  I’m not here to be gooey or inspirational when I don’t feel gooey and inspirational.

I don’t like this present moment but it is what it is and this space is my space to think, to ask God if He’s hearing me, to wonder aloud and why it has to be this hard.  Some would say I need to look for what God is trying to teach me in this moment.  Hey, if He wants me to know something, He can spell it out because I think this moment is what it is, a very low spot in my journey.  I take these times hard.  I do.  It’s who I am.  And the tears remind me how weak and fragile I really am.  Maybe that’s the lesson.  Maybe that’s what God wants to remind me of.  This vessel that is me is weak and fragile.  Well, so be it but I want my kids back.  I want one more hug, one more afternoon of their sweet voices, one more movie with them.  One more meal.  Oh how I long for that moment.

In this present moment, there are simply tears and hurt.  I don’t want to follow through with the plans I’ve made tonight or be gone for the next week and I don’t want to be in this house packing and getting ready to go.  I’m between the rock and the hard place so I will do what I do…trudge on.  I will go back amidst the tears.  I will prepare to leave amidst the pain.  I will follow through with my plans and try to be an upbeat, ok guy to be around tonight.  All the while, I will also be praying that the Lord comes quickly.  I don’t like this world with its pain and gloomy, overcast days.  I long for another world but in this present moment, I will do what I need to do until that day comes.

If you are reading my words and my thoughts written for myself, know that I believe in the power of God to heal.  I just want it all today.  Know that I am not advocating any end to my life or this world outside of God’s due time and plan.  I just want it now.  Know the tears will dry and I expect better days.  It’s just not what I’m feeling right now.  Know that as I write of this pain and this hurt, it is because I know there is a better time coming, one where there is no sorrow, no pain, no hurt, no tears of loneliness or woundedness or sadness.  I just want it in this moment.  Know that through expressing the pain I feel today, I have hope that this valley will lead to another mountaintop.  I just want to be out of the valley now.

Oh Lord, I cry out to you to make things right, to capture my heart and my mind and reveal yourself and your will to me in clear and evident ways and to hear my pleas and to answer the calls from my heart.  Please, God, exalt me in your ways and cover me in your favor.

Grace and peace.

Do You Know My Pain?

03 Thursday Jan 2013

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I read some quotes by a well known preacher spoken to those considering suicide.  I can only wonder if he truly understands their pain?  I have grown up hearing how people who commit suicide are selfish.  How they will burn in hell.  How they are this and that and nothing ever good.

Do you ever wonder what people who have committed suicide must have been thinking?  Battling?  Do you ever wonder what wounds they were carrying?  How they perceived the way people had treated them?

I realize this isn’t a pretty subject but I tend to approach things from the dark side so often.  My point is this, what am I doing today to show the love of Jesus to someone around me.  Someone who may be hurting so badly and so deeply that I can’t know it.  Or do I simply ignore it in my busyness?  How can I be the essence of love today?

You see, I believe the love of Christ can save anyone.  And, I believe we are called to be the love of Christ.

So, when I hear about someone committing suicide, I can only think they were not surrounded by the love of Christ.  Who’s fault is that?  No, I don’t take the blame for someone committing suicide.  Afterall, it was their choice in the end.  Yet, you won’t hear me talking about how selfish they are or where they will spend eternity.  In fact, I can’t help but wonder if Christ doesn’t surround them with the love they must have been missing while on this earth.  It’s a question I may never have an answer for.

The love of Christ saves.  The love of Christ can stop Newtown massacres.  The love of Christ can stop suicides.  The love of Christ can end wars.  The love of Christ has the power to end pain.

Oh Lord, let me show someone your love today.

Grace and peace.

Scary Sound of Silence

27 Thursday Dec 2012

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The day I originally wrote this I was hoping to hear from someone very special to me.  It didn’t happen.  The sound of silence was deafening.

I find I often have noise going on around me.  The TV is playing in the background.  Sport radio is on.  I’m going somewhere in a hurry and stuffing more than I can do in a day into the day so I don’t stop, I don’t have anytime for the scary sound of silence.

Sometimes silence is scary because of what we might hear.  Other times it is scary because of what we do not hear.  Hearing something that calls us on the carpet, reopens old wounds or is news we don’t want to deal with is scary.  Not hearing from that special someone or waiting on someone to call back to talk about a job when I’m unemployed and money is running short leaves me wondering how important I am to them.

Silence can be a scary, scary thing yet it is something we must learn to deal with, learn to address, learn to accept and learn how to work through whatever comes from it.  I’m still learning.

Grace and peace.