Tag Archives: peace

So Many Questions

16 Tuesday May 2023

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As I walked through the valley of divorce and separation from my children on a daily basis, my mind. and my heart got dark. Separation from them was the hardest part of the journey from divorce to healing to life again. Losing my family nearly sent me over a steep cliff and learning to live with that separation was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

That time in my life started a series of two things. First was a way of talking to God that most would call blasphemous. Second was a series of questions most would call blasphemous. You can see where my heart and mind were. Yet through it all, with the help of friends,

So, strap in and hold on for the first one. My kids would come over every other weekend. Well, one kid did and the other was hit or miss because they were a bit mad at me I believe and certainly mad at the situation. They would leave on Sunday evening to be back to their mother’s house by the legally appointed time. About 15 minutes after they left, I would find myself on my knees, wailing and alternatively cussing at God like a drunken sailor (yes, cussing, using all the 4 letter words and making up several as I went along) and asking Him to take my life. This went on for a few months.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell one of my guys (I’ll have to tell you about my 7 and my 14 and my 21 some time) who was trained in a preaching school and a part time missionary. I thought who better to confess to and be told I was on the fast track to hell (when I believed there was such a place…more to come). Instead, my dear friend and brother said, “good!” What do you mean good, I asked. “Who are you talking to? God. Do you think he is so small he cannot handle your heartache?”

That was a relationship changing point in time for me. I had spent so much of my life thinking God was so small that my mistakes/failings/sins, whatever you want to call them, was damaging to Him. I thought He was petty and hated me for the things I had done and was doing. My brother allowed me to see a God bigger than I could/can imagine who hurts for me and is humored by my small mindedness.

That led to questions that have continued to grow and build and challenge what I have been taught all my life. It started with questions about heaven and hell and would God really separate His creation. It led to questioning how the Bible has been used for all these years, taking small snippets out of a large story to prove a point and create a rule book instead of a book full of wisdom for living our best life. It led to questions about why the Holy Spirit, the third leg of the Trinity, is seldom discussed. Why in the world would we indignantly ignore the other part of God given to us to counsel us, to speak to us while using a book of ancient writings as the sacred rules for today’s living? Bizarre. It led to questions of why I have never, ever, heard a sermon on the importance of the second great command…to love ourselves. Remember? What is the greatest command? To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second one is like it, to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Where has that teaching been? What, what? Loving ourselves comes right along with loving God in order of importance? Who knew (because they ain’t sharing that one from the pulpit)? And, what about grace. Is it freely given to all or limited to those who have cracked the code and properly interpreted the rule book (yes, that book that is written in multiple translations because no one can agree and has spawned so many churches interpreting things slightly different from one another.) Is grace really grace or is it parceled out to some and not others? Or what about the tree in the garden? Was it put there to give us choice (am I saying that God is pro-choice?) or was it put there to trip us up and cause the downfall of man so God could beat the crap out of us? Is he all knowing and had a plan to get us out of our messes or just a sadistic son of gun ready to drop the hammer? And, if God is the same yesterday and today, from before time to infinity, why did He change the rules from the Ten Commandments to Christ’s expansion of them in the Sermon on the Mount?

Yes, I have questions and…this is crazy…believe the Holy Spirit is providing answers and the answers aren’t what mainline churches want to hear or discuss. I know because I’ve had the conversations with several pastors and only two of them still want to have lunch with me regularly. The questions are dangerous because they expand God’s love, His freedom, His allowance of choice while covering me in grace and allow me to see a bigger God, one who is not concerned with the pettiness of rules but offering me wisdom on how to live a good, happy, simple fulfilling life. I have come to see “sin” as a hurt I create for myself. What we label as sin are things I do that make my life harder than it should be, more miserable than it should be with consequences that are painful for me and for those around me at times. Choosing to follow the wisdom of God makes life a lot easier, less painful and more carefree.

Oh yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions.

And we wonder…

20 Sunday Aug 2017

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$1.7 million

Number of elective plastic surgeries in the U.S. in 2016, of which more than 200,000 were nose jobs. The plastic surgery business is an interesting one with a fascinating gender gap: 75 percent of the people who got those rhinoplasties were women, but 85 percent of board certified plastic surgeons are men. [Racked]

That statistic tells us a great deal about our country. The vanity. The pride. Almost two million dollars spent on changing something about the body to be more acceptable, more “loved”, more something. We wonder why hatred and bigotry and terror exist and the answer is often as close as the nose on our face.  We are an inwardly focused people.  We are caught up in “us” and how we feel, how we look, how we are perceived and how we are judged.  We worry about those things while assessing how we see others, perceive others and judge others for their actions, thoughts, or lack thereof…at least in our own minds.

We assemble in teams, in jobs, in churches and find the people most like us to be around and spend time with.  It’s easier.  It’s more comfortable.  We don’t work to get to know others and we sure avoid the difficult questions that might put us in uncomfortable territory.  Instead, we label other groups,

If we hope to overcome hate, racism, and our own caste system, we are going to have to change our focus from inward to outward.  We are going to have to learn to see people with openness, with fresh eyes and without our own baggage heaped on top of them.  We have to learn to see ourselves and others with a new set of eyes, clear and unburdened by our own experience, fears and false beliefs.

Change starts with the person in the mirror.

Grace and peace.

Another Day Older

30 Wednesday Dec 2015

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Another day older.  Another year gone.  Another Christmas past us.  Lots of things happened in the past year, good things and bad things.

It seems so often when I have looked back I have settled on seeing the things that didn’t happen or the things that happened that set me back or mistakes I had made.  I wanted to blog more in 2015.  I wanted to launch a new web site focused on leadership.  I wanted to teach more about conflict resolution.  Shoot, I wanted to become a millionaire/billionaire and do great, charitable things with the money.  I wanted to exercise better and lose weight.  I wanted to make changes that didn’t get changed.  It’s easy to see all of that for so many people…I guess.

Fortunately there is the other side of the coin.  There are all those things I still want to accomplish in 2016, my new year to improve and still, there are some wonderful things that have happened this past year.  First and foremost, I got to spend a year with a woman I love and who adds so much richness and happiness to my life.  She helps me experience joy unlike anything I’ve known most of my life.  I got to travel with her.  Atlanta (don’t eat the tuna salad in Atlanta), Baltimore, San Francisco, Denver and Durango and other places.  I got a job that has my creative juices flowing (creative for someone with an accounting degree, anyway) and I look forward to coming to work every day.  I’ve got friends that I stay in contact with that remind me I have purpose.  I have continued to dream dreams.  Dreams of writing.  Dreams of doing things that will give me a sense of accomplishment.  Dreams of building a better family.  Dreams of experiencing more joy.  Dreams of being the man God wants me to be.

That’s what I really want for 2016…to be the man God wants me to be.  I realize that is a dangerous statement because my vision of that could be very different from His.  I always see myself on the mountain top and He may see me in the valley.  Heaven knows I’ve spent some time there already.  Regardless, in the end, I have learned the greatest peace I know is when I let go of my desires and seek His.  Doing that little thing…that is harder than expected…has brought great things to my life, my state of mind, my peace and my joy.

If someone else happens to read this, I hope 2016 will be your best year yet.  I encourage you to seek God, seek His will and live in His peace.

Grace and peace.

That is Offensive To Me

10 Friday Jul 2015

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As I sit here watching the South Carolina Highway Patrol Honor Guard remove the Confederate flag from the State Capitol, as I hear several in the background saying “Thank You God!” and shouting “USA, USA, USA” I have a sense of pride in the people doing the right thing.  As I watch one of the members of the Honor Guard, a black man, take the flag and present it to the Curator of the museum, I can only imagine his feelings.  As someone who has hung a Confederate flag in my bedroom as a child, I am proud of the people who made this decision and the reverence of which it was handled.

That said, to me the Confederate flag is a symbol of the south and a period of history.  It is a symbol of my high school mascot at one time.  It is not about racism for me though I understand it is for others.  That said, a Dodge Challenger named the General Lee with a Confederate flag painted on it’s roof is most certainly related to a show about Southerners, their moonshining and their family.  To have that show removed from TV is offensive to me because it is censorship…plain and simple.

I believe marriage is between a man and a woman.  To see a bakery owner penalized because they stayed true to their beliefs is offensive to me.  The home of the brave and land of the FREE?  Really?  It doesn’t seem like the people owning the bakery are free to exercise their beliefs.

To have the government take the money I’ve earned and spend it on things I disagree with is offensive to me.

There are plenty of things I can be offended by.  The way the South Carolina government handled the flag issue, with lots of conversation, with people free to express their opinions and feelings and to make a decision after all that discussion and all those feelings are taken into account is a small glimpse of how to handle disagreements and to take what is offensive to some to a point of either compromise or collaboration.  When people of color listen to those who support the flag as a symbol of heritage our world is better.  When people who see the heritage can also see the pain our world is better.

When things are taken away, when people are punished simply because of someone’s opinion, we are all the lesser for it.

I’m offended by lots of things in this country.  It doesn’t mean I’m right and it doesn’t mean I should always get my way.  Taking our offenses to the table of peace and trying to come up with better solutions is when offense ends and peace begins to take over.

Grace and peace.

The Arm on My Chest

16 Monday Mar 2015

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Anyone who has talked to me, read my posts or heard me pontificate from the soapbox knows I think life is hard.  Ailments, financial strains, aging parents, kids and spiritual warfare dinging our psyche and soul…all tough stuff.  So we are left with our minds to choose what we see in life and where we place our focus.  The tough stuff is.  It just is.  It won’t go away so we decide whether to live in the struggle we can see or the hope we have that reminds each moment is new and filled with possibility to love, laugh and live free.

That brings me to the arm on my chest.  I’m struggling to sleep lately.  I’ve been dealing with illness, with job stress, with kids in town and the balancing act of doing everything that needs to be done.  It would be easy for me to get caught up in all of that, and honestly, I have over the past few days.  Then there’s the sleep issue.  I woke up at 2:30 this morning and never went back to sleep.  Lots of thoughts on my mind and some stomach rumbling and no sleep.  I could look at it is a miserable night but for much of it, there was an arm on my chest.

While I was wanting to go to sleep, I was also feeling thankful that I had an arm draped over me and that arm belonged to a wonderful woman who has brought so much joy and hope and peace into my life.  That arm belonged to a beautiful woman who was sleeping pretty soundly and I was thankful because I knew that meant she was at peace at that moment.  That arm laying across me was a reminder that I am loved.

I laid in bed for the better part of 4 hours with an arm on my chest for a great part of that time and the arm was a reminder that I can choose to see the beauty of life in the midst of the storms.  The arm laying over me gave me a sense of contentment and thankfulness that I appreciate.  I rejoice in the arm on my chest.

Grace and peace.

 

Hurting in a Hard World

19 Wednesday Nov 2014

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When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. – Henri Nouwen

This quote resonates loudly with me.  Rick, Jason, Bart, Jacob, Rick, Everett and Dennis have loved me through very hard, very dark days.  They were with me daily, in person, by text or on the phone.  Certainly in prayer.  That extends out to Joey, David, Joe, Doyle, Mark, Jerry, Garry, Joe, Amy, Kyle, Zach, Beverly, Jeff, John, Dan, Barry, Donnie, Chris and many other people.  They walked with me too.  Then, there is my VSW.  Kelly.  My gift of grace from God.  So much light in my life.  So rich and deep in her soul.  Overflowing with hope and joy and love.

Some people never have one person that allows this quote to fit their lives.  I have a host of people.  I am tempted to question why some times but better judgment allows me to simply be thankful.  So today, I write about hurt and pain and anger and darkness from a different point of view.  I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, or as I like to say, I have walked the edge of hell and came through it because so many people were holding my hands, pulling me, pushing me, holding me up, hugging me, encouraging me, challenging me, crying with me, laughing with me…loving me, loving me always, loving me unconditionally.

So today I look at Ferguson, Missouri and I empathize with so many people who are hurting.  On all sides of the issue.  I pray for peace in the midst of the storm.  I pray for conversation instead of gunfire, hope instead of stones.

So today I am thankful my VSW’s niece can call my VSW and share her hurt and know there is someone who will listen and love and hope and encourage.

So today I am praying for a friend of a friend of my VSW who is angry at God.  I do not know his specific journey but I know anger at God.  I pray he will find peace, that his anger will be focused where it belongs and he can find a way to forgive.

I hate a world full of hurt, hate, anger.  I want a world that does not include what is happening in Ferguson, drug addiction, suicide or Charles Manson.  I can hate what is bad and hope for something completely different than what is but that doesn’t make it go away.

So, in the middle of all of the mess I want to be a person who will share pain and touch wounds with a warm and tender hand.  I want to be the person that so many others have and continue to be in my life.  I want to be hope and peace and love.

Grace and peace.

Welcome Back!

14 Tuesday Oct 2014

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It’s been awhile since I was in this space.  Lots has happened and lots have thoughts have crossed my mind.  I hope over the next few weeks to let them process and form words for my posts.

I got married!  She is a beautiful woman and her inner beauty radiates to the world around her.  I have told her and will continue to tell her that God gave me a priceless gift when she entered my life.  She is a special woman and she fills me up in so many ways.

The day was beautiful.  Simply breathtaking.  A cool, crisp morning with plenty of sunshine.  It was an outdoor wedding held at a friends house and they made it an incredible, unforgettable event.  All of our friends use the same word to describe the day, the setting, the food, the mood…PERFECT!  I have incredible friends.  I feel so blessed to have people in my life who care about me.  The love I get from them is not merited and yet given so freely.  Grace in action!  So, love was the theme of the day.

I have had 7 guys who have walked through hell with me the past several years.  They have listened to me ramble, let me cry, gave me direction, prayed with me and over me, laughed, cussed and help me stand when I wanted to fall.  They have given me strength and they were all there for the wedding.  It meant the world to me and I have a picture with all of them that I will treasure forever.

My bride walked out and I was WOWED!  All over again.  The first thing I said was, “you are beautiful” quickly followed by “will you marry me?”  My heart was sparked all over again like it was the first time I had seen her.

OK, so I can gush on forever.  Needless to say, she and I have had to overcome some obstacles together and there are more to come but I am confident she is the one for me.  I feel like we are the two pieces of the puzzle you put together to form a beautiful work of art.  As I sit here now, I have an overwhelming sense of thanksgiving for this part of my life, for her and for the people who love me deeply.  I live in abundance.

Grace and peace.

Bug Guts Revisited…Again

22 Monday Sep 2014

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Bug Guts

The above is a link to a post I wrote several years ago while going through a storm in life.  Since then I have been through some others.  I have gone through more than my share and I know there are people around me who are going through their own.

I encourage anyone reading this to be aware of the storms those around them are facing.  Give them a hug and let them know they are loved.

I encourage anyone reading this who is going through their own storm to know that brighter days are ahead.  I can’t tell you when and I sure won’t tell you it will be an easy journey, but it will get better.

I encourage anyone who has been through the storms and is now walking in the sunshine to share the love of God and encourage others with hope.

I have been through the storms and today God is leading me on a journey that is bringing great joy.  I will go forward not forgetting the storm while enjoying the peace this part of the trip includes.

Grace and peace.

Can You Believe It?

11 Thursday Sep 2014

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Those who know me and those who have found and read my blog know the journey I have been on.  I break it down in 8 month/2 year/10-15 year segments representing some events in my life that were hard for me.  They caused pain.  Lots of VERY intense pain.

THEN THERE IS THIS!!!!!!

My VSW and I got a marriage license yesterday!  Can you believe it?  It almost seems like a dream but she was there and I could feel her next to me.  A few years ago I couldn’t imagine this day.  I wasn’t planning to ever get married again.  I was not going to put my heart on the line.

I believe God had another plan for me.  He had someone for me that would be the hands and feet of Christ in my life.  He, the one Paul says can do immeasurably more than I can imagine, did just that.

She is bringing new insights into my life.  About God.  About me.  About marriage.  About life.

I thank God for this VSW.  I never imagined there was someone out there I would want to spend the rest of my life with or that I could love and trust completely.  I know we will face struggles and I won’t be surprised if we face seasons that are tough for us individually or as a couple.  That said, I have never felt more equipped with a partner who I believe with all my heart will walk through those times with me.  And, here’s the really, really cool part.  She is there to walk with me through the great times, the fun times, the growing times, the times of joy.

I got a marriage license yesterday!  Can you believe it?

I wish you could see the smile on my heart right now.  It’s HUGE!

Grace and peace.

Me Being Me

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

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“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

For a good part of my life I haven’t really liked myself.  I haven’t liked my body type.  I haven’t liked my job.  I haven’t liked the way I let people run over me.  I haven’t liked a lot of things about me.  The way I handled it was to pour myself into something and/or pour a lot of something into me.

Since going through a divorce some 4 years ago, I have found counseling through 3 different Christian counselors.  One moved away and I still use the other 2 and all of them have put good thoughts and good habits into my life.  One of my current counselors addresses my need for self-compassionate talk.  Not a rah-rah, oh-don’t-you-feel-good-about-yourself fluff talk but an honest look at who I am, my relationships and all that I have accomplished.  The other talks to me about my perfectionist tendencies and my ability to berate myself for any reason.  I also have a VSW (and now fiancee) in my life who reinforces what these people say on a regular basis.

At almost 50 years of age, I am finally learning to be okay with me.  I am accepting my imperfections and I am allowing myself to see the relationships I have built.  If I am honest with myself, the vast majority of the relationships I have see my imperfections and love me in spite of them and because of them.  My tendency to let the 1 or 2 people who choose to always point out the negative affect how I see myself is fading behind the viewpoints of my VSW and my true friends.

I am grateful to be surrounded by a host of loving people and I hope each day going forward God will remind me that I am his masterpiece and allow the words of my friends soak into my being.  I want to step away from the perfectionist and see the perfection in an imperfect world that allows me to be me.  God is alive and working through my VSW and others and I am humbled and grateful.

And getting to a good place with me being me.  🙂

Grace and peace.