Tag Archives: peace

Now Would Be Great, Thank You

08 Friday Aug 2014

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“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” ~William S. Burroughs

When I want answers, I want them now.  I do not want to wait.  I do not want to be calm.  NOW!!!

One of my counselors once asked me the attributes of God.  I went straight to grace and love and such and his one word response was “slow”.  It stopped my whole thought process.  Slow?  Really?

I have been on a journey with lots of questions and none of the answers have come fast.  Oh, I was ready for fast answers, or so I thought, but being ready and getting them isn’t the same thing.  I’ve been on a job hunt for 2 years and there have been several times I knew “it was the one” only to see it slip away for one reason or another.

My challenge is learning to relax and be patient.  Now, I can certainly preach that message to others and have more than once.  It’s easy when I’m not the one emotionally invested.  However, when it’s me, when it’s my bank account, when it’s my family issues, there is no time to wait because I need to know NOW.

Through my years of counseling, I have come to accept that the majority of answers to my problems will come from my own mind, it just takes time.  Sometimes having those people who are neutral parties to talk it out with help and sometimes sitting under a large oak tree and clearing my mind is what I need.  And time.  It takes time sometimes.

I am thankful for answers that are coming to me right now.  A new job.  A new life with an incredible woman.  Returning to where my strongest relationships live.  Answers have been coming and the timing is remarkable.  The fact that I wanted answers two years ago is drowned about by the realization that maybe the best answers are the answers I am getting today.  Two years ago this job didn’t exist.  Two years ago I didn’t know my VSW.  Two years ago I didn’t appreciate a lot of little things I appreciate now.

Breathe.  Close my eyes.  Breathe.  Smile.  Trust.  Breathe.

Grace and peace.

Walking

05 Tuesday Aug 2014

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“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because you are with me.” – Psalms 23

I have gone through periods of lots of walking.  When I first accepted that a divorce was imminent in my life, I got on a treadmill every night and walked for an hour several nights a week.  When I realized a job I had accepted was going nowhere and I was cut off from everything and everyone I loved for days at a time, I got on a treadmill and walked for close to an hour during the week.

Looking back, I started walking just to have something to do and an outlet for my hurt and rage.  It has also come to symbolize the emotional and spiritual journey of the hard days of my life.  I feel, at times, like I am walking through a desert.  Dry and thirsty.  Just me and the coarse sand scraping against me, step by step, irritating my skin.  Irritating my mind and my soul.

The good thing about walking is that it leads somewhere.  It has led me in circles and it has led me to paths leaving the desert.  It has led me to people who challenge me and it has led me to people who love me and want the best for me.  It has led me through the valley of the shadow of death, as I know it at this stage of my life, and I believe it is leading me to bright, shining moments.

My friends who know me well know there are times I felt I was on the edge of a cliff and starting to fall off.  I am sure I was blowing the situation out of proportion at times but when the pain is constant and you just want it to stop, sometimes proportion is in the eyes of the one in pain.  Regardless, there were times I was ready to jump but one thing held me back.

Faith.

I do not have a perfect faith but I do have faith.  There have been many times I thought my faith would run out and woke up the next morning to find it still there but thin.  Other times it has been full and running over.  Part of faith for me is walking in it.  I may not know where I am going but I keep going, in faith, trusting that God’s ways are better than my ways and leaning on Him instead of leaning on my own understanding.

There have been times my life has been like walking on a treadmill.  I walk for an hour but still find myself in the same place I started.  Then there are the other times, the times that bring so much hope and excitement.  All the walking through the desert, through the coarse and painful sand and it seems I am walking into a valley full of hope and joy and excitement for what is now and what is coming.  I feel like I have walked in faith and now I get to look back on the lessons of the journey while enjoying the fruit of reaching a place of peace and rest.

Grace and peace.

The Horn

15 Tuesday Jul 2014

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I was in Chicago over the weekend and one thing you notice is the incessant noise.  Sirens.  People.  Horns.  Lots and lots of people honking their horns.  Agitated.  Impatient.  They all want to get through a light or to the next block and people are in their way.  So they honk.  And honk.  And honk.

I was listening to all the honking while trying to enjoy a vacation.  I wanted to slow down so I could soak in time with my VSW, her son, and the food and sights of Chicago.  It was a good weekend and we did get to see lots of interesting things and learn more about the city and what makes it rich in history and food.

It was good but the noise was ever-present.  On the Chicago Architectural Foundation boat cruise, the tour guide was interrupted several times by sirens, loud music and trains passing overhead on bridges.  It was a nice, peaceful boat ride accompanied by lots of noise.

It struck me how life is so much like my trip to Chicago.  I want life to be nice and relaxing.  I want time with family, a peaceful place to work and achieve, time with friends, time to exercise, time to explore and see new sights.  I get some of that but it is so often interrupted or encumbered with noise.  The reality of life is that there is lots of noise around me and it makes it difficult at times to relax or concentrate on what I really want.  Noise from bill collectors.  Noise from people who want what they want when they want it and don’t really care about me or my needs or wants.  And the voices…oh, the voices that tell me I am less than I want to be.  The voices that try to derail my dreams, my hopes and my goals.

Truth is, if I want a quiet place I have to create it.  The noise isn’t going to stop for me so I have to learn to get away from the noise.  I have done it in the past but today I seem to be in a much noisier place than I’ve ever known and it is hard to get away from it all.  God calls me to quiet time with him but, honestly, I give him some time and it is still filled with noise.  This morning I stopped and restarted prayers 2 or 3 times because my mind would drift based on the noise that was filtering in.

I want to control the noise but I can’t so I must learn to adapt to it and find my own way to put it in the background.  It is a work in progress, just like the rest of me.  I haven’t reached where I want to be but I continue to seek a path to peace and quiet so I can hear what I need to hear and fill my mind with what it really needs to be filled with.

Oh Lord, help me.  Give me strength when I am weak and give me peace when the noise is overwhelming.  Give me courage to fight the battles for my time with you and give me patience so I do not add to the noise.  Amen.

Grace and peace.

Introversion Conundrum

28 Wednesday May 2014

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What’s an introvert to do when he is tired of being alone?

I realized today that for the past 20 years I have eaten lunch with someone almost daily.  A friend.  A coworker.  A child.

For the past 6 months, I have eaten lunch Monday through Friday alone almost every week.  Sonic.  The taco trailer.  Schlotzskys.

The same goes for supper.  For the better part of 20 years someone has been with me when I ate.  Conversation.  Stories.  Dreams.  Even silence but silence with someone present.   And, even the times I didn’t have supper with someone, I had been with people the better part of the day and didn’t mind a meal on my own.  At least the dog was there if no one else was.

For the most part I am all alone during the week.  The saving grace is a phone call or FaceTime with a very special woman.  Still, she’s the person I want to hold in my arms instead of holding a phone.

What’s an introvert to do when he is tired of being alone?

Grace and peace.

 

 

Memorial Day

27 Tuesday May 2014

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My writing often deals with the darkness in the world and how I wrestle with it at times, combat it at times and get run over by it at times.  The darkness does exist SO I am thankful for light.  Light shines on hope, on goodness, on kindness and on blessings.  Memorial Day weekend was one of those weekends where the light was evident, where the light obscured the darkness and shined on hope and goodness and blessings for me.

Memorial Day for the people of the United States is a day to remember those who have paid the price for our freedom and to honor those who still offer to pay that price each day.  I am thankful for my dad and my uncle who both served and who both have taught me so much about living a life of service and kindness.

Along with honoring this special day, it was a weekend where I felt the world slow down.  I needed the extra day away from work to truly rest my soul, rest my thoughts and rest my body.  It was a time spent with a wonderful woman who has been a gift in my life.  We spent time talking about the ups and downs of our past, the challenges and the joys of the present and our hopes for the future.  I am blessed to have her, someone I can talk to about things ranging from sports and cooking to the deepest and most soul-searching thoughts I have and to know she will listen, she will try to understand and she will offer perspective.  The beauty of it to me is not just in her hearing me but in her willingness to share, her willingness to become more open to being vulnerable to me, to trusting me with her hopes, her mistakes, her joys, her challenges, her goals, her life.

Memorial Day will always be about those who gave all and those who chose to serve so that I can experience freedom.  That is the greater meaning of the day.  Along with that, it will be a weekend I remember for the peace I felt and the time spent with someone who means so much to me and is helping me change into a better Christ-follower and better man day by day.

Grace and peace.

The Monster in the Past

22 Thursday May 2014

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My past, my history, is like a monster sometimes.

I remember when my daughter was young and was afraid of monsters at night.  I would pretend to write a note on her door every night.  With my special ink that flowed out of my finger, I wrote “Monsters better stay away from Kory or they will get beaten up by her big daddy!!!”  With my special finger ink, only monsters could read the message but she believed it worked because no monsters ever got her.  Of course, there were no monsters but something had made her fear they might exist and, to some degree, still does.  Even now when she comes home from college she sleeps with her closet light on.  It’s a fear of something that doesn’t exist.

My past doesn’t exist in the present but I often treat it like it does.  I keep dragging it along with me, living with it in the present moment as if it were real today.  It was real at one point and I know, intellectually, it died at the point the past became the present.  The past is dead, only a memory, so I have to ask myself why I try to make it come to life in current situations and relationships.

There is no doubt my past is a good teacher.  I want to do things very differently in a current relationship because of what I have learned in the past.  The danger is that I sometimes take the pain of the past and apply it to what is happening today even though a lot has changed.  It’s like a monster that isn’t real except in my imagination.

The challenge is to treat the past with truth that it did exist but also know that it does not live in the present moment.  I know people who won’t talk about the past at all.  They hide relationships and mistakes and failures fearing that someone will think less of them because of what happened in the past.  I have been one of those people.  I know people who will talk openly about the past and take every wound and apply it to what is happening to them today to keep people from getting too close.  I have been one of those people too.  I know people who can’t live in the present because their past haunts them too deeply.  I have been one of those people too.

I don’t want anymore special ink to keep monsters away.  I want to let the monsters die.  I want to leave them in the past and move on.  I feel myself doing that slowly but surely but it isn’t always easy.  Every now and then I let a monster come raging back in as if it were really alive and well.  It’s my imagination giving it life but I let myself do it anyway.

I’m tired of the past/monsters affecting how I see today and the future.  I’m tired of holding myself and others back by something that does not exist today.  I pray for the strength, courage and wisdom to lay the past down, walk away and live knowing today is a new day.  It doesn’t mean I can’t learn something from the past, only that the past doesn’t dictate the present if I don’t let it.

Grace and peace.

I Wish

09 Friday May 2014

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Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

I wish I felt the peace this psalm offers.  I wish.

I hope God will cover me with the peace this psalm offers.  I hope.

Grace and peace.

Peacemaking in the Middle

31 Friday Jan 2014

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Last May I graduated with a Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution.  I initially started the class because a) I wanted to get a Masters degree and prove to myself at the ripe age of 46 that I could do it and b) I wanted to understand how to work through conflict better.  The program was more than I could have imagined (shout-out to Abilene Christian University and the Duncum Center for Conflict Resolution) and set me on a path to address conflict more productively in my own life and to help others through conflict.

Shortly after completing the degree I went through a life change leaving the job I had for 18 years and venturing into the unknown.  As things go sometimes, my plans failed and I was in a downward financial spiral for several months.  I finally found a new job but it hasn’t been exactly what I expected.  What I did expect was conflict in the workplace.  What I didn’t expect was the “why” and how it was being handled prior to my arrival.  For conflict to be truly resolved, the parties in conflict have to both want to resolve it and both talk to each other.  For various reasons I continue to understand better the longer I am here, that isn’t happening and may not ever happen.  I understand.  I still live in conflict with someone who rather berate me, challenge me and try to drag me into a fight than to sit down and talk as adults.  What am I supposed to do with that?  As a peacemaker, I want to reconcile with those I’m in conflict with and I want to help others at least resolve the issue if not reach further for reconciliation.  However, there are times when at least one party rather fight than reconcile.

I want to help them reach a peaceful ending.  I wish I could be a part of many happy endings but sometimes being in the middle means we can only help if help is wanted, otherwise we have to sit and watch.  Being in the middle of this conflict may mean I don’t have a position here when it reaches the end of the line.  While I don’t want that to happen, I still have a strong desire to help lead these guys into a peaceful settlement.  I doubt they will ever fully agree with each other.  There is much water under the bridge.  My goal is to help them simply let the past be the past, lay it down and only look to today and to the future.  Some things are hard to undo but everyday is a fresh start.

I’m in the middle.  It’s not where I want to be but it is where God has me now.  I hope I can help bring peace and reconciliation where there is hurt.  And, I hope I can do it and keep getting a paycheck!

Grace and peace.

Number 49

30 Monday Dec 2013

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A new year is quickly approaching.  For me, it will be my 49th.  And, for the record, 49 doesn’t look anything like I thought it would.  I had the picture of a happy marriage and everything perfect with the kids.  A nice house, maybe a pool, a good job and a growing retirement account.  I would have had several things accomplished; a book written, Spanish and/or Portuguese mastered, lots of traveling done and almost perfect contentment.

It’s no surprise, I suppose, that life has been messy and I haven’t accomplished all that I imagined in my head.  I’m in a dysfunctional family dynamic, a job that has me 3 hours away from where I want to be and a retirement account that’s almost worthless, a house in need of repairs, a truck with all the padding gone from where I sit and no book, no Spanish and not much traveling.

What’s the story?  What’s the reason for all of this?  I honestly don’t know.  I’ve prayed and prayed but God isn’t answering what I am asking for.  It’s caused my prayer life to be all over the place…specific prayers, broad prayers, no prayers.  I can assure you the Holy Spirit is doing lots of groaning.

I wanted things to be perfect.  My life is far from it.  I’m coming to understand my perfectionism is a big part of my problem.  I expect to do things perfect.  That means having a high dollar job close to my kids instead of an average dollar job 3 hours away.  It’s good but it’s not perfect.  I’m good but I’m not perfect either.  The trouble is, I’m not satisfied with that.  Good isn’t good enough.  Perfect is acceptable.  I told someone today that doing what I’ve got to do to get by and provide for my kids isn’t noble, isn’t special…it just is what it is.  Yet, I’m reminded today that many people don’t do that much.  My perfectionism drives me to do more thank just be acceptable, I’ve got to be extraordinary.  ALL THE TIME.  Every minute, every second of every day.

I’m starting to see how my desire to be perfect has me losing what I really want for myself; to be at peace and contented with myself.  It’s a double edge sword.

As I start my 49th year today, I hope I learn to let go of being perfect and to just be.  To be aware of what is happening around me, in me and through me in this moment and to be at peace with that, whatever it is.

Grace and peace.

Chaos

29 Wednesday May 2013

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“Man has tended to make himself the measure of all things.  But man’s measure is too tiny to comprehend My majestic vastness.  That is why most people do not see Me at all, even though they live and move and have their being in Me.” – Jesus Calling

I tend to live in chaos.  I have more things on my to-do list than I can accomplish.  And, I see them all as priorities.  I operate in a messy environment because I jump from one thing to another.  And, I see them all as priorities.  I look around me and see a vastness of things I must do and accomplish and prove to myself and others so that I may measure myself good and worthy.

What I see as huge, God looks at through a magnifying lens to see.  Oh, not that He doesn’t see me clearly.  He does.  He only looks at the things I try to make important as small.  He knows who I am.  I struggle with remembering that most of the time.

I live in chaos because I focus on me and not on Him.  I live in chaos because I choose the small things to be my big things instead of choosing the Big Thing to be my big thing and letting the small things play out as small things.

I want each day to be more focused on God.  To be clothed in Him.  To be consumed with Him.  I want God oozing out of me so that each person I come in contact with gets God on them because I am overflowing.

I love to stop at fountains and be still and quiet as I hear the water running and feel the peace it brings.  A fountain is something that is overflowing.  There is more water than it can contain so the water comes flowing out to create a calm, a peace.

I want to be a fountain, unable to contain all of God that is within me, creating a place of calm and peace.

Grace and peace.