As I walked through the valley of divorce and separation from my children on a daily basis, my mind. and my heart got dark. Separation from them was the hardest part of the journey from divorce to healing to life again. Losing my family nearly sent me over a steep cliff and learning to live with that separation was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

That time in my life started a series of two things. First was a way of talking to God that most would call blasphemous. Second was a series of questions most would call blasphemous. You can see where my heart and mind were. Yet through it all, with the help of friends,

So, strap in and hold on for the first one. My kids would come over every other weekend. Well, one kid did and the other was hit or miss because they were a bit mad at me I believe and certainly mad at the situation. They would leave on Sunday evening to be back to their mother’s house by the legally appointed time. About 15 minutes after they left, I would find myself on my knees, wailing and alternatively cussing at God like a drunken sailor (yes, cussing, using all the 4 letter words and making up several as I went along) and asking Him to take my life. This went on for a few months.

I finally mustered up the courage to tell one of my guys (I’ll have to tell you about my 7 and my 14 and my 21 some time) who was trained in a preaching school and a part time missionary. I thought who better to confess to and be told I was on the fast track to hell (when I believed there was such a place…more to come). Instead, my dear friend and brother said, “good!” What do you mean good, I asked. “Who are you talking to? God. Do you think he is so small he cannot handle your heartache?”

That was a relationship changing point in time for me. I had spent so much of my life thinking God was so small that my mistakes/failings/sins, whatever you want to call them, was damaging to Him. I thought He was petty and hated me for the things I had done and was doing. My brother allowed me to see a God bigger than I could/can imagine who hurts for me and is humored by my small mindedness.

That led to questions that have continued to grow and build and challenge what I have been taught all my life. It started with questions about heaven and hell and would God really separate His creation. It led to questioning how the Bible has been used for all these years, taking small snippets out of a large story to prove a point and create a rule book instead of a book full of wisdom for living our best life. It led to questions about why the Holy Spirit, the third leg of the Trinity, is seldom discussed. Why in the world would we indignantly ignore the other part of God given to us to counsel us, to speak to us while using a book of ancient writings as the sacred rules for today’s living? Bizarre. It led to questions of why I have never, ever, heard a sermon on the importance of the second great command…to love ourselves. Remember? What is the greatest command? To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second one is like it, to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Where has that teaching been? What, what? Loving ourselves comes right along with loving God in order of importance? Who knew (because they ain’t sharing that one from the pulpit)? And, what about grace. Is it freely given to all or limited to those who have cracked the code and properly interpreted the rule book (yes, that book that is written in multiple translations because no one can agree and has spawned so many churches interpreting things slightly different from one another.) Is grace really grace or is it parceled out to some and not others? Or what about the tree in the garden? Was it put there to give us choice (am I saying that God is pro-choice?) or was it put there to trip us up and cause the downfall of man so God could beat the crap out of us? Is he all knowing and had a plan to get us out of our messes or just a sadistic son of gun ready to drop the hammer? And, if God is the same yesterday and today, from before time to infinity, why did He change the rules from the Ten Commandments to Christ’s expansion of them in the Sermon on the Mount?

Yes, I have questions and…this is crazy…believe the Holy Spirit is providing answers and the answers aren’t what mainline churches want to hear or discuss. I know because I’ve had the conversations with several pastors and only two of them still want to have lunch with me regularly. The questions are dangerous because they expand God’s love, His freedom, His allowance of choice while covering me in grace and allow me to see a bigger God, one who is not concerned with the pettiness of rules but offering me wisdom on how to live a good, happy, simple fulfilling life. I have come to see “sin” as a hurt I create for myself. What we label as sin are things I do that make my life harder than it should be, more miserable than it should be with consequences that are painful for me and for those around me at times. Choosing to follow the wisdom of God makes life a lot easier, less painful and more carefree.

Oh yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions.