Tag Archives: relationships

Me Being Me

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

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“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

For a good part of my life I haven’t really liked myself.  I haven’t liked my body type.  I haven’t liked my job.  I haven’t liked the way I let people run over me.  I haven’t liked a lot of things about me.  The way I handled it was to pour myself into something and/or pour a lot of something into me.

Since going through a divorce some 4 years ago, I have found counseling through 3 different Christian counselors.  One moved away and I still use the other 2 and all of them have put good thoughts and good habits into my life.  One of my current counselors addresses my need for self-compassionate talk.  Not a rah-rah, oh-don’t-you-feel-good-about-yourself fluff talk but an honest look at who I am, my relationships and all that I have accomplished.  The other talks to me about my perfectionist tendencies and my ability to berate myself for any reason.  I also have a VSW (and now fiancee) in my life who reinforces what these people say on a regular basis.

At almost 50 years of age, I am finally learning to be okay with me.  I am accepting my imperfections and I am allowing myself to see the relationships I have built.  If I am honest with myself, the vast majority of the relationships I have see my imperfections and love me in spite of them and because of them.  My tendency to let the 1 or 2 people who choose to always point out the negative affect how I see myself is fading behind the viewpoints of my VSW and my true friends.

I am grateful to be surrounded by a host of loving people and I hope each day going forward God will remind me that I am his masterpiece and allow the words of my friends soak into my being.  I want to step away from the perfectionist and see the perfection in an imperfect world that allows me to be me.  God is alive and working through my VSW and others and I am humbled and grateful.

And getting to a good place with me being me.  🙂

Grace and peace.

Wounds and Respect

28 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Conflict Resolution, Friendship

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I was talking with an old friend the other day about the struggles of his marriage.  I didn’t count the number of times he mentioned respect as an issue between both he and his wife but as I think about the conversation, wounds and respect are two topics that keep coming back to mind.

The wife faced abuse as a child from her father that I cannot imagine.  I cannot imagine how scary it was for her.  I cannot imagine the wounds it has left deep within her that affect how she sees other men, especially her husband.  I wonder if she sees God like she remembers her father and sees her husband the same way – as someone who should take care of her and protect her but cannot live up to what she wants or expects.

The husband isn’t perfect either.  He has battled his own demons that have caused problems between them that partially result from his childhood and the wounds he experienced.  He wants someone who is there, who is consistent, who in in control of their emotions and desires.  She has made choices during their marriage that conflict with all of that and leaves him with trust issues.

Their wounds are deep and ingrained after years of living with them but not doing much to address them and overcome them.  It has left them in a position where their wounds have created expectations and their failure to live up to those have caused a lack of respect for each other.  How can a relationship survive without respect?

William Ury, author of The Power of a Positive No says that we cannot respect another until we first respect ourselves.  Respect is best given from a position of power, not over another but within oneself.  If I respect myself, it is much easier for me to show respect to another because I have all I need within myself.  Gaining the other person’s respect only adds to my power but is not the foundation of my strength.

I wish I had begun to understand the power of wounds and power of respect several years ago.  I have a relationship that is in dire need of help but without the opportunity to communicate regularly.  Knowing what I know now, even in the infancy of my understanding, would have led me to greater hopes of saving a relationship that has been devastating to lose.  Hopefully, knowing I I know now will allow me to maintain and improve relationships in the future.

Grace and peace.

Lean On Me

14 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Life

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I talked about the power fear has over me.  It still resonates through my body this day.  The other thing about fear is it’s weight.  Man, it is heavy.  At times it weighs down on my so much it almost pushes all the air out of my body.  Other times it weighs so much it simply paralyzes me.  It makes my head hurt and disrupts my thoughts.  It leaves me feeling like I am buried under a pile of rocks, alone, with nowhere to go.

I’m thankful for friends I can call on.  They help lift the weight.  They help carry the burden at times.  The song, sung by Bill Withers (and recently done so well by Nicholas David on The Voice) has lyrics I’ve never listened to or caught before reading them today.  The third stanza hit me like a truck today.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
(Chorus)

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me

Just calling is hard sometimes.  The weight of fear crushes my hopes, my dreams, my faith and my ability to call on people at times.  The weight of fear reminds me that I cannot do things on my own and tells me I am weak because of it, that I will fail, that I will not get out of this present situation without being battered and broken.

Like so many others, I turn to God and call out to him but I have seen prayers answered in painful ways, I have seen tears that don’t stop flowing, pain that never goes away, relationships destroyed.  God doesn’t always tie things up with a pretty red bow…and that drives my fear even more.  The questions of “what if” roll through my mind like a freight train – loud, earth-shaking, powerful – and leave the weight of fear on my shoulders.

Still, I will call on God and ask that He do more than I can imagine, that he will heal and make new, that he will provide so that I can share in abundance and redemption on this earth as well as in the next life.  I will slowly, but surely, call on friends and ask them to pray, to help carry my burden.  The power and weight of fear will lurk and will reach inside me at times, but for today I will still hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.  For if I don’t have hope, what do I have?

Grace and peace.

A Confused Introvert

29 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by in Friendship

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I’m an introvert.  It’s true.  Myers-Brigg confirmed what I had known all along.  I don’t like going to parties.  I don’t like wading into crowds of people.  I don’t like going to conferences and meetings.  I live on 2 acres covered in trees so I can hide from people.  My confusion comes into play because I love building relationships, talking to people one-on-one, learning about them and finding ways to encourage them.

I was talking to a headhunter the other day about my job search.  He was geared up to get me in their system and then I told him about where I am in the search right now.  Negotiating with one company, waiting to hear if there’s a fit with another company, flying to California this weekend to meet the owners of another company, talking to a venture capital company today and a potential visit with another company in the next couple of weeks.  He was interested how I had so many conversations if I wasn’t using a headhunter (or “job placement company”).  I explained all the connections were through friends and colleagues I had built relationships with over time who were recommending me and putting me in front of these people.

I would be happy spending the rest of today at home, talking to no one but I’m equally happy about the lunch meeting I’m headed to and the 3 other visits I have planned today with friends and a former employee to talk, encourage, plan and dream.  I am truly a confused introvert.

Grace and peace.