Should I Stay or Should I Go?

13 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith, Life, Prayer

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I always like The Clash song asking should I stay or should I go? It’s a question I have had so many times in various situations. I feel like I’m in one now. Do I stay the course I’m on, attempting to do the things I want to do or do I go towards a more conservative course, one where my dreams may get squeezed, my hopes blanketed?

It’s not an easy question. Of course, I have many people willing to weigh in and I appreciate their thoughts but they are sometimes just as confusing. One friend yesterday advocated one thing that takes the wind out of my sails but makes fiscal sense. Another friend advocated pursuing my dreams, trusting that the risk is worth the reward…buy a little scary.

In the meantime, I feel like my life is momentarily on hold. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing but it is frustrating at times. There are things I want to do, things I want to say and I hesitate because of fear that my present situation may work against me. Fear stinks.

On the other hand, the fear is just one side of the coin with the other being hope. Hope for what I can almost visualize. Hope for what may be. Hope for better days and dreams fulfilled.

I still await the booming voice from the mountaintop telling me I am on the right path…or where the right path can be found. Waiting…waiting…waiting. No booming voice.

Today, I carry on towards the dream. Tomorrow, I share time with my precious daughter. Friday, I look into a more conservative, seemingly responsible solution. Saturday, more time with my daughter and, I am sure, much reflection of what today and Friday bring to my mind and my heart.

God, in case it works for you, I’d love to hear a booming voice on Saturday.

Grace and peace.

Scary Sound of Silence

27 Thursday Dec 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Faith

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hope, pain, scared, silence, suffering

The day I originally wrote this I was hoping to hear from someone very special to me. It didn’t happen. The sound of silence was deafening.

I find I often have noise going on around me. The TV is playing in the background. Sport radio is on. I’m going somewhere in a hurry and stuffing more than I can do in a day into the day so I don’t stop, I don’t have anytime for the scary sound of silence.

Sometimes silence is scary because of what we might hear. Other times it is scary because of what we do not hear. Hearing something that calls us on the carpet, reopens old wounds or is news we don’t want to deal with is scary. Not hearing from that special someone or waiting on someone to call back to talk about a job when I’m unemployed and money is running short leaves me wondering how important I am to them.

Silence can be a scary, scary thing yet it is something we must learn to deal with, learn to address, learn to accept and learn how to work through whatever comes from it. I’m still learning.

Grace and peace.

Fear

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by Seeking Peace in Christian Living, Faith

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faith, Fear, finances, job, money, scared, worry

I find myself often living in fear. Fear of not measuring up to someone else. Fear of financial insecurity. Fear of letting people down. Fear of what people think about me. Fear of being hurt again.

I thought about standing near a rollercoaster and the quiet you hear as the cars slowly climb a hill and then the screams you hear as the cars come speeding down the other side. The people knew what they were getting into when they climbed on the rollercoaster but yet the screams come as soon as they cross the peak. I find myself doing that at times. I know the journey to the mountaintop has an experience of coming down off the mountaintop yet I find myself sometimes screaming with fear not knowing when the descent will stop or what will happen when I reach the bottom.

Today is one of those days. I crested last week and now feel like I am hellbent in rapid descent and that the wheels will come off and the big crash is inevitable. And the moments come where I think “where is God in this?”

The God who did great things in Job’s life. The God who led His people to the promised land. The God who fulfilled His promises to Abraham. The God who saved the world. Where is that God in this moment of my life, in this blip of time, in this story that started long ago and will run as long as He chooses? Where is he in my fear?

I know the question I need to ask is “how strong is my faith?” How long will I wait in prayer and peace for God to show me what He has planned for me? Waiting isn’t easy when you see money growing thin, when you wonder if you can meet your obligations. It just isn’t. I know God hasn’t called me to do easy things but man, I wish it was easier today.

Today will be a test of my faith. Will I trust God or will I leave Him behind to find my own answers? Tough question. Maybe I will have an answer to share tomorrow.

Grace and peace.