I Have Issues

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

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“Strongholds are created by trauma and released by trust.” – David Terry

I have issues. Shame issues. Fear issues. Rejection issues.

I hear voices. “You blew it.” “Others people/things are more interesting.” “I’m done with you.”

As I examine these issues in my life, I realize the trauma was created by or with people who are the closest to me. The people I should feel the safest with are the very ones that introduced the trauma, sometimes without knowing it or realizing it themselves. Yet the trauma and the strongholds of shame, fear and rejection that came with the trauma started with someone very close to me.

The great news is that I can overcome the stronghold. The feat is that I have to trust people close to me to do overcome it. Dang! Couldn’t it be easier than that? Isn’t there a phrase I can say in front of a mirror or a breathing exercise that will let me overcome that stronghold on my own without putting my heart and emotions on the line? Well, the easy answer is no.

The longer answer is that the strongest thing I can do is trust in something or someone who has hurt me. It’s easy to withhold trust. It’s easy to say I will talk to them, smile at them and not let them in my mind but, oh snap, it is HARD to trust knowing I might get smacked again.

The cool thing in my life is that I have proven trusting works. I’m not afraid to let you know it isn’t always easy but it does work. I’m not afraid to let you know that sometimes old thoughts creep back in but they can be overcome. I’m not even afraid to let you know that old wounds can be reopened but you can be stronger for the effort and the pain more manageable…or even negligible if you have worked out (trusted) enough.

I have issues but each day I am getting stronger and finding it easier to open myself up to trust. In myself. In others. Trusting is strengthening my mind. And my soul.

I think there is a simple explanation why it works. God always trusts. I don’t earn his trust, he gives it freely. Regardless of how many times I have broken it, he is open to trusting me again time and time again. Imagine the strength. So, why shouldn’t I do the same? Why shouldn’t I keep trusting over and over and over again. If I want to live Godly, giving trust is a key. So, when I see my issues creep up and hear the voices talking lies, I have to reach within and open myself up to trust. Trusting overcomes the shame, the fear, the rejection and leaves me with the ability to see what is true and right and noble and good.

I have issues. And, I have weapons to combat them and to overcome them.

Grace and peace.

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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Fear, hope, love, shame, The Journey

Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out. It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them. What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick. I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better. Then it happened. The quick race to the bathroom. The pain inside. Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief. The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this. Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out. Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight. I went wide open and it came flowing out. I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage. I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story. I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time. Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known. My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was. Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone? I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden. I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own. It’s out there. It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating. Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy. Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in. I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night. And I feel good.

Grace and peace.

Shame, Shame

27 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by Seeking Peace in Life

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acceptance, belonging, love, shame

Shame. I didn’t begin to understand shame or the damage it causes until just a few years ago. I’m now in the middle of a couple of Brene Brown books and her research on shame and worthiness is flooding my mind. Thoughts of days gone by, of how I have used shame and how it has been used on me and what I will attempt to do differently in the future is at the front of my mind.

A friend once told me that shame is satan’s greatest tool. I have come to believe it. I’m seeing how shame has shaped my vision of who I am and how (un)worthy I am of love and acceptance. I’m seeing how shame has helped lead me down paths of destruction and despair and I never even knew it.

I’m going to have more to say about shame and worthiness as I go deeper into her material. For now, let me say that it is one of the best studies I could be involved in and wish I had started it long ago, certainly before I raising children. There is good information to be had about how we can stop shame and raise the level of self-worthiness that people feel and raise the level of their ability to accept themselves and others. Oh, it’s good stuff. I dare say it is God stuff.

Grace and peace.