Tag Archives: strength

Quit Hitting Me In The Head

22 Tuesday Jul 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

I feel like I am in a boxing movie where one opponent keeps getting knocked to the ground by the other opponent after being hit in the head.  The referee is counting and it looks like the downed opponent is out until he struggles to his feet, is given a second to get reoriented and then starts throwing and taking punches again.  Sometimes, the same guy gets knocked down over and over always managing to get back on his feet.  In the case of Rocky Balboa (I forget which of the Rocky movies it was in), he gets up and wins the fight.  I hope that is how my battle will play out but right now I feel like I’m still in the knock down/get up routine.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

I havent’ read Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning but I want to.  Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” resonates today.  Most people who encounter me today will not know the turmoil that is raging on the inside.  A few select people who know me well get the raw, unvarnished truth but most see me going about my business and never realize the pain on the inside.

Recently, I have been intentional to think about people and things I am thankful for.  The challenge is that many of those people/things are not close to me and while I am thankful for them, I am also cut off from them.  It’s a tough balance.  Maybe no balance at all.  The truth, for me, is that I cannot pretend to be happy within my own mind.  I can’t tell myself to be happy and make it so when my days and nights are often accompanied with loneliness and separation.  The kicker is that I am OK with that.  I am willing to accept my current state as a bad one.  Knowing it is bad allows my inner strength to go to work.  My inner strength at work allows me to keep pushing through when I would rather quit.

I don’t know how Frankl made it through his struggles.  I would not want them and mine seem far simpler comparatively.  Still, these struggles are hard for me but I am pushing through believing there are things on the other side of this worth working towards.  I forget who said, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how” but it has truth in it.  I have the why so I keep going, keep hoping, keep striving.  I hope I can look back on this one day and remember when…

Grace and peace.

Miserable

09 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Miserable.  That’s how one person described the way I sound in my blog posts.

When someone says you sound miserable, it’s hard not to stop and take inventory.  Am I miserable?  Am I making other people miserable?  Should I stop writing and work on being happy?

I have always said this blog is written for me.  It’s cathartic.  It’s an outlet for some of what I am feeling inside.  It’s my space for my thoughts and words I need to express for my own good.  Yes, this space is all about me.  I find it sometimes applies to others but it is for me.  Given my current situation with a disastrous job situation, a depressing living situation and being in a place where I am alone the vast majority of the time, life is not all sunshine and roses.  Add to that fact that the Texas Rangers are literally falling apart and misery is what is left.

I have a great woman in my life.  I should say a GREAT woman.  I have to super kids.  They have both achieved academic success and they are both kids who do life better than I ever imagined and are examples to me, their father.  I have good friends back home.  A good dog.  A decent truck to drive.  A roof over my head.  Lots of people have it far worse than my little life.

All that and yes, I am just a bit miserable.  You see, the great woman is 3 hours away and I spend about as much time texting and talking on the phone as I do being with her in person.  My kids are both headed for college and this is my last summer with my son and I am working and living 3 hours away.  My house and my dog are in another town and so are my friends.  Honestly, while I know they love me, I don’t hear much from them while I’m away so that emphasizes the loneliness I feel at times.  You see, I want to be WITH them.  I don’t want a phone relationship.  Or email relationship.  Or Facebook relationship.  I want to be with them.  Eat with them.  Talk to them over coffee.

So, in a way, I am miserable.  I realize I could be in 1,000’s of worse situations but I’m in my own bad situation and it’s bad enough for me.  Maybe God realizes I can’t handle a worse situation.

And I say that to say this.  It’s bad but…

I HAVE HOPE.  I have hope that I will be with the woman I love one day SOON.  I have hope I will get more time with my kids this summer.  I have hope that I will get a job that I love and it is one where I am wanted and appreciated.  I have hope I will get to live in my house, sleep in my bed, spend time with my dog, see my friends regularly.  HOPE is what has kept me alive.  HOPE is what has allowed me to do this for more than six months now.

I think I have more hope than the average person because they don’t get to see what I see.  They don’t get to experience the pain I have experienced.

I’ve been told I am strong.  I don’t think so because I know I feel like crumpling to the ground each and every minute.  I attribute my ability to keep moving forward to a supernatural power.  That is who is holding me up.  That is who is moving me forward.  I simply have hope.  The rest comes from one much stronger than me.

HOPE is powerful.  Hoping in the Creator, hoping in YHWH, that gives me strength I do not possess.

Forgive me if I sound miserable.  I’m just letting that out of my head and I don’t mean to leave the idea that what I share here is all of my life.  I’m holding on to the HOPE inside me.  I’m keeping it alive within me.  I need it and don’t feel like I have more than I can share right now.  One day I want to share hope but today, today I have to hold onto my hope.  It sustains me.

Grace and peace.

The Way I Am

20 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Last night I was having a conversation with someone close to me.  I’m an introvert so my close relationships go deep.  One of the pros and cons of this is that I invest in reading people.  I read their expressions, their words and their silence.  There are times that doing this leads me to good insights and understanding of their feelings.  Then there are times I read things into what I see or feel that goes beyond what they may be thinking or feeling.  I am learning that when I am an observer and the conversation isn’t about us, I’m generally right.  On the other hand, when the conversation is about us, I worry so much about hurting them or causing them any discomfort that I can go too far and overthink the situation.  It’s the way I am.  It’s the way God built me.  It can be one of my greatest strengths.  It can be one of my most trying weaknesses.

While I want to improve where I am weak, I am thankful for where I am strong.  I would rather be able to have my intuitive ability to read people, to know when they are hurting and to know when they are full of joy than to be without that ability.  All the while, I need to learn to calm myself when what is a gift God gave me becomes a weapon against me.  It’s the way I am.  It’s the way God built me.  I have to learn how to use the strength of it and harness the weakness of it so that I help others and myself.

I do build close relationships and when I become invested in someone, that investment runs to the core of my being.  The thought of hurting someone’s feelings (the way I felt last night) or doing damage to our relationship gnaws at my soul.  My initial reaction is to talk too much.  The secondary action is to run far away so they will not have to deal with me again.  Or maybe, so I won’t have to face the discomfort, hurt or pain I have caused.  The strength is in the deep connection I build.  The weakness is in my reaction to hurt.

I hear voices.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I hear voices.  Not audible but very powerful.  They tell me my relationships are tenuous.  That I do not do enough to make others happy.  It causes me to need lots of affirmation.  I would go so far as to say it makes me needy.  That’s not where I want to be and I am trying to listen to Godly wisdom from friends and counselors who tell me I am good enough.  I am far from perfect but they want me to just believe I am good enough.  For them.  For others.  For God.

I grew up in a production-oriented mindset.  You had to go to church 3 times a week to be good.  You had to be busy doing something, sometimes anything to be good.  If I wasn’t doing, I wasn’t good enough.  If I wasn’t doing enough, the right way, perfectly, then I really wasn’t good enough.  It’s a mindset that has followed me through various stages of life and still affects me today.  And, it’s affects can be damaging to me and others close to me.

The way I am isn’t the way I have to be.  I want to celebrate the strength of reading people and understanding what is going on behind the curtain.  At the same time, I want to drop the burden of guilt from feeling like I have to produce, that I have to be perfect, and that I have to receive continual affirmation.  I want to be mighty where I am strong and I want to be stronger where I am weak.

i hope the people who know me and love me will accept my strength and my flaws as the way I am and I hope they will gently continue to remind me I can be so much more.  I seek their prayers and their love.

God made me the way that I am.  I want to learn to celebrate that fact and celebrate my strengths.  I want to use them for good and I want to continue loving people the way that I do.  I want to love them so much that it hurts me when they hurt.  I want to love them so much that I am filled with blue skies and peaceful waters when they smile.  And, I want to be an asset to their lives.  I want to fill them up when they needing filling and I want to stand beside them when they need support and I want to celebrate with them every time there is the smallest of victories.

I go deep.  It’s the way I am.  Thank you God for giving me insight and recognition.  May I use it for your glory and never abuse it to my own end.

Grace and peace.

A Go(o)d Word

25 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Faith, Life, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Before I jump into the meat of the post, I have to point out that the old Hee Haw song was actually “Gloom, Despair and Agony On Me” and I used the word pain incorrectly.  I’ll let the Hee Haw aficionado who pointed it out to me rename anonymous for now.

I am blessed with a wealth of friendships built on connectedness with God.  I don’t know how or why I these people are so helpful to me but I give thanks for Bart, Everett, Dennis, Jason, Rick, Rick, Jacob, David, David, Joe, Jerry, Dan, Derrick, Jeff, John, Josh, Brad and the list could go on.  These men have a special place in my heart.  One of them, Joe, was talking to me a couple of weeks ago.  I told him about the place I was in and he told me about a time he was on a 40 day water fast.  Yes, no eating for 40 days.  Anyway, on this day he said he laid in the floor, weak and feeling like he couldn’t go another inch, and cried out to God to either bring him home or give him a new word.  A good word.  A God word.  He then prayed that prayer for me.  I am so ready for a new, good word from God.  A word of revelation.  A word of hope.

The day after I talked to Joe I had an old acquaintance get in touch with me about a possible job he thought was a good fit for me.  I got so excited because it combined two areas that are passions and was a position that would let me achieve levels I think I am ready to achieve.  Then it’s back to waiting and silence.  I got a call for a phone interview today.  The position pays 30% of what I make now.  Tough.

People keep telling me I’ll look back and understand.  I look back at the last 10 years right now and I still don’t understand.  I accept it as reality but I don’t understand why God allowed it.  I see possibilities for my future that are so much greater but I don’t know why I had to go through what I did to get here.  All that to say I’m not sure I’ll ever understand but I do want to be able to accept what I have today and see hope for tomorrow.  I have a relationship that fits that description perfectly.  I hope to soon have a career that does also.

Joseph is the word I have had the last two days.  Separated from his family for 17 or 18 years.  He earned favor with his captors and became a man of power.  I love the story but I am not sure I will make it 17 years.  I’m not sure I’ll make 17 more days.  Regardless, the story of Joseph is a powerful story about what God can do.  I’m praying Joseph’s way out of captivity will be my way out sooner rather than later.

Then there’s Bart.  Bart drove 6 hours round trip to see me and to come lift my spirits.  Friend is a good word.  Brother is a God word.  Bart is certainly a good friend but he is my brother.  I love him dearly and so thankful that he has found a relationship that edifies him and encourages him.  I see it and it reminds me of the hope I have today.

The other day I got to share a little of my faith with the janitor at work.  Today she asked me more about it.  It was an indirect question but I could tell what she was fishing for and it was a good conversation.  I’m so glad she is improving and getting her life turned around.

So, in the midst of my “crisis” there are good words and there are God words.  I want to soak them in and live in them until my situation improves.  I hope that means returning to be with the people I love very, very soon.  I hope that means a job that fills me up.  I hope that means more opportunities to share a good word and lots of God words with people.  Until then, I hold onto Psalms of David.  I hold onto Job.  I hold onto Joseph.  I hold on and I cry out to the all-powerful God.

Grace and peace.

Monday Starts It All Over Again

06 Monday May 2013

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Monday starts the workweek for most people.  Some have schedules that work on different days.  Some don’t currently have jobs.  I digress.  For most people, Monday starts the week and is often viewed as a “bad” day.  Why not a good day though?  Why not a day for a fresh start?  Why not a day to begin again?  To improve?  Monday is just like any other day.  It will be as good as I want it to be, the choice is mine.

I’m going to share another blog post I ran across.  It’s a good thought on how to start the week, how to start everyday really and how to do it with courage.  It’s not always easy to overcome the obstacles I see and imagine.  In fact, it’s a challenge.  I seem like I have to flip a 750 pound tire…

http://everydaypowerblog.com/2013/05/05/3-things-i-learned-from-flipping-over-a-750lb-tire/

Grace and peace.

Lean On Me

14 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Christian Living, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , ,

I talked about the power fear has over me.  It still resonates through my body this day.  The other thing about fear is it’s weight.  Man, it is heavy.  At times it weighs down on my so much it almost pushes all the air out of my body.  Other times it weighs so much it simply paralyzes me.  It makes my head hurt and disrupts my thoughts.  It leaves me feeling like I am buried under a pile of rocks, alone, with nowhere to go.

I’m thankful for friends I can call on.  They help lift the weight.  They help carry the burden at times.  The song, sung by Bill Withers (and recently done so well by Nicholas David on The Voice) has lyrics I’ve never listened to or caught before reading them today.  The third stanza hit me like a truck today.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
(Chorus)

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me

Just calling is hard sometimes.  The weight of fear crushes my hopes, my dreams, my faith and my ability to call on people at times.  The weight of fear reminds me that I cannot do things on my own and tells me I am weak because of it, that I will fail, that I will not get out of this present situation without being battered and broken.

Like so many others, I turn to God and call out to him but I have seen prayers answered in painful ways, I have seen tears that don’t stop flowing, pain that never goes away, relationships destroyed.  God doesn’t always tie things up with a pretty red bow…and that drives my fear even more.  The questions of “what if” roll through my mind like a freight train – loud, earth-shaking, powerful – and leave the weight of fear on my shoulders.

Still, I will call on God and ask that He do more than I can imagine, that he will heal and make new, that he will provide so that I can share in abundance and redemption on this earth as well as in the next life.  I will slowly, but surely, call on friends and ask them to pray, to help carry my burden.  The power and weight of fear will lurk and will reach inside me at times, but for today I will still hold on to hope for a better tomorrow.  For if I don’t have hope, what do I have?

Grace and peace.