Tag Archives: The Journey

Wide Open

09 Thursday Jan 2014

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Last night I opened up in front of someone and let the mess and the muck and the nastiness of my pain and my shame and my fears come out.  It was scary and I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do to them.  What does one do when they think they are listening to a mundane story and then has vomit explode all over them?

It’s happened before when I was sick.  I hurt and I knew something had to change for me to feel better.  Then it happened.  The quick race to the bathroom.  The pain inside.  Flinging the toilet seat back to let the yucky stuff come up and out and when it was all over, a feeling of relief.  The feeling that whatever was causing the problems had now been expelled.

That’s how I feel as I write this.  Some nasty stuff that has haunted me a long time is out.  Some stuff that said “you aren’t good enough” and “you’ll never measure up” and “you’ll never be enough” and “who can love someone like that” came out tonight.  I went wide open and it came flowing out.  I’m still a little nervous for the one who had to face the barrage.  I trust them with my story but I don’t know if they were ready for my story.  I don’t know if there’s ever a good time to cover someone with my mess but am a little scared this wasn’t the right time.  Or, that I didn’t say it well.

And still, I feel a freedom I’ve never known.  My friend may not ever know or understand how liberating tonight was.  Does it mean all the yuck and muck is gone?  I don’t know that answer but I know it’s not still hidden.  I know it’s not still in a little compartment I keep locked up and have to bear on my own.  It’s out there.  It’s in the wide open and I think the pain, fear and shame are dissipating.  Quickly.

Going wide open isn’t easy.  Not on the one sharing and certainly not on the one on the receiving in.  I pray they will be blessed knowing they just allowed me to make progress in my journey, to grow closer to God in accepting that I am who I am, made the way I am by God and DNA and that I am good enough, worthy to feel love and be loved even if imperfect in my eyes and man’s eyes.

I was wide open last night.  And I feel good.

Grace and peace.

When Whining Doesn’t Work

07 Tuesday Jan 2014

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I’ve been reading and listening to Dr. Brene Brown a lot recently.  She has some incredible research on shame, vulnerability and fear and I’m soaking it all in.  One of her comments is that her “gift” is to research and understand these areas because it puts joy, happiness and love in context for her.  I feel that statement describes me perfectly.  I seem to enjoy looking at suffering and the pain of life events, not to dwell in the darkness but to appreciate the context of light.

So, I sit here, in a foreign place away from friends and family and love and wonder why?  Why me?  Why here?  Why now?

And then, I read a blog where the author writes about peace in uncertainty and how we can thrive in uncertain times.  HEY LADY, can’t I just whine for a while?

A close friend sends me an email with Joshua 1:8 in a note and it leads me to my Bible where I’ve highlighted Joshua 1:9.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD you God will be with you wherever you go.

Today is one of those days I’m led to see light in context, to see goodness in the midst of hurt, to feel hope when I’m down.  Tomorrow night I start a class at church I’ve been waiting for, one that I believe will rock my world and turn me upside down and inside out.  I think I’m in this time and place for different reasons, one certainly being what I believe I’ll experience over the next 7-8 Wednesday nights.

I say I whine but really I think I just feel authentic pain in my situation.  Then a day like today comes along and I see the pain in context and know I am allowed to see pain so I can empathize with others; and I’m allowed to see light so I can promise those in pain there is hope.

Grace and peace.

Black Eyed Peas

03 Friday Jan 2014

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I like the food but I’m not crazy about the band.  I had some black eyed peas this New Years Day as I have done for years and this was the last year.  Here’s why and it’s a little secret you may not want to share with everyone.  Black eyed peas don’t bring luck.  Or, if they do bring luck, I’m tired of the luck they are bringing me and rather go it alone in 2015.  Yes, I’m only 3 days into 2014 and already thinking they didn’t work.

Here’s what works.  Perseverance.  I would say it’s the only thing that brings luck but I suppose I don’t believe in luck.  Instead, I believe every event is a destiny event on a continuum of events.  I have persevered through some storms in life and perseverance has always led me through them.  Oh, I’m still in some of them and I’m still persevering.

Think of the options.  Giving up. Alcohol and drugs. Gambling. Women. Laziness. Eating. Yes, even suicide. Honestly, I’ve tried several of them.  At times I gave up on perseverance and relied on something else to get me through and while I still got through a lot of stuff, those choices often caused other problems along the way.

I have friends who tell me how strong I am.  HA!  I feel like I’m about to fall over at any minute.  I don’t sleep.  My health isn’t great.  I don’t like quietness or stillness anymore.  I don’t focus well.  I do still persevere though.  In spite of those challenges, I continue to press on.  Sleeping when I can.  Trying to eat better and exercise at least twice a year.  Attempting to accept quietness and stillness as a gift.  Trying to shut off all the external and simply to be in the moment.  It’s not always easy but what is?

I don’t feel strong but I do know perseverance is making me stronger.  Black eyed peas don’t do it.  Paralysis through worry of what I can’t control doesn’t do it.  Hopelessness and quitting doesn’t do it.  Persevering does.  Even when I feel weak, I know my friends see something I just can’t see right now because I’m in the middle of pulling the load, of marching uphill (walking 10 miles in the snow barefoot and all that good stuff too) and continuing to move forward.  Praying.  Hoping.  Accepting what is.  Persevering.

I’m not telling you to quit your black eyed peas if you like them.  It’s all well and good.  Just know that perseverance sustains me much more than black eyed peas ever has.  And luck, well it’s just a figment of the imagination.

Grace and peace.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumbllllleeeeeeee…

19 Thursday Dec 2013

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I think God enjoys wrestling with me.  The past few years have been spiritual wrestling matches where I’ve battled who I thought I was and what I thought had been taught and knew.  The changes have been crazy at times, painful at times and full of peace and joy at times.  I’m wrestling again.

I’ve found much comfort the past year in reading Jesus Calling.  I feel like it speaks directly to me and my situation so often.  I know many other people who feel the same way but I’m sure it was written directly to me some days.  Today is one of those days where the words take me to the wrestling mat.

The past 15 years of my life have been a struggle.  Personal relationships, business relationships, intimate relationships…struggle, struggle, struggle.  Through it all I have consistently grown closer to God.  There are days I feel like I have no faith left, none whatsoever, and then I find myself praying to God telling him I’ve run out of faith.  Sounds kind of crazy to pray to the being you’ve lost faith in, huh?  So, I take it my faith is growing stronger because I say things to God that would scare many people I know.  I think I’m either crazy or my faith is so strong I can say anything to God and believe he deals with it pretty well.  Maybe he laughs at my foolishness.  Maybe he gets a little angry and wants to throw a lightning bolt at me.

I remember a time I was telling my daughter she needed to do a better job of something and she fired back, “well, I don’t have a very good example, do I?”  BOOM!  My first inclination was to tell her how the cow at the cabbage, show her who’s boss, put my foot down…all those things.  But I held my tongue and soaked it in that day.  The next day, I reminded her of the conversation and then threw this little zinger back at her.  “Honey, if I’m your example, your sights are set far too low.  When Jesus is your example, then you will be on target.”

I can’t help but think that’s what God is trying to tell me.  I’m frustrated because I see a tormentor having an easier life and living better than me.  “Jeff, if that’s your example of a good life, your sights are set way too low.  Look at Jesus’ life and follow his example.”  I’m frustrated because I’m not sleeping in my own bed most nights and not near the people I want to see every chance I get.  “Jeff, it those are the things you are focused on, your sights are set way too low.  Focus on Jesus.  Remember what he did and why he did it.  Be his disciple even when it’s uncomfortable.”

I’ve got to be honest and say I don’t think God is telling me to be happy in my circumstances or even to be grateful.  Oh, I’ve read James 1:2 and I still don’t think it’s God telling me to be happy about my pain and frustration and fears.  No, I think he’s telling me to focus on what is really important.

Traveling To A Star

17 Tuesday Dec 2013

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It was a good weekend at home (once I got past the 4 hour, traffic-heavy drive).  I saw my daughter and got to spend a little time with her.  I slept in my own bed.  I got to see friends I miss and some I haven’t seen in a while.  I spent some time with someone who encourages me and makes me believe I can do things I don’t want to even think about doing.  I petted my dog more in 2 days than I have in 2 weeks.  I fed the goat anything I could just to make him happy.  I was shocked by how much ice was still on the ground at my house.  It was a good weekend.

Then, like that, I’m back in a foreign place, hauling my bags into a foreign room, checking mice traps (no mice thank goodness – hoping they aren’t smart mice just avoiding the traps) and thinking about the next 4 nights/5 days in a place where I don’t know anyone, don’t have much access to what’s going on in the world and work at a place where no one is quite sure why I’m here due to the (lack of) communication flowing.  Tomorrow, another player in the scene will show up and I’ll learn more, hopefully understanding more.  Then, I will see how this will play out, whether what I can bring to the table will be used or if I’ll be stonewalled.

I was thinking this weekend that the two main characters are more in need of mediation than anyone I’ve talked to in a long, long time.  Guess what – I have a certificate in mediation from the great State of Texas.  I’m qualified to help these guys and believe I can help these guys.  The question is whether either one of them want help.  That said, I am feeling more and more like there is a purpose for me here.  I don’t understand why it has to take me away from the people I love.  I’m still a little scared.  Still a little faithless.

I told a friend that I like the idea of purpose but when I look at the great characters of the Bible, their stories had eternal purpose.  They were bringing a message of God, about the Savior.  I’m trying to help some people build more trailers and make more money.  That’s when the thought popped into my head, “what if I’m here for more than money?  What if I’m here to show these guys something greater than what we accomplish here, what if I’m here to show them eternal purpose?”

What if…?

I started reading a book by Brene Brown today.  GREAT STUFF.  Anyway, in the intro, she says something to the effect that self-understanding is like traveling to a star.  We can never reach it but it gets brighter the closer we get.  (That’s all my paraphrase.)  I may not see the whole purpose for this journey but it’s a little brighter today than it was last week.

I still miss home though.  I miss the people I want to hold and to hug.

Instead, I’m traveling to a star.

Grace and peace.

And Then There’s This…

13 Friday Dec 2013

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Another day, another part of the journey.

I called a friend of the man who hired me yesterday to see if we could have lunch.  I had the sense he was a spiritual man and I thought he could give me insight into some of the players in this messed up situation I find myself working in.  On the way to lunch, at lunch and on the way back the man is quoting scripture like he has a Bible in front of him.  When we pull up to the office, he throws out Jeremiah 33:2-3 which I’ll paraphrase into “God knows way more than I can, even knows what I would never imagine.”  Then I read Jesus Calling yesterday and the devo basically says, “I got this.  I know way more than you and see way more than you.  There are things I’m working on in your behalf you can’t fathom.”

I guess I should be listening to all this, right?

If I think God has used me to talk to people, isn’t it realistic that he is talking to me through other people?  Or writings?

What I hear is “quit worrying, goober.  I’m taking care of things you can’t begin to imagine or understand, or at least, you don’t need to understand or know right now.  Relax.  Take care of today and I’ll take care of the tomorrows.”

I wish it was that easy.  I wish I was that quick of a learner.  I wish my faith was deeper.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  I guess all of that is what is in my hands.  I want to make the big decisions and God simply wants me to make little ones.

Grace and peace.

It’s Still Raining

12 Thursday Dec 2013

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Yesterday I mentioned Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm.  The song starts off with the idea that the singer has called on God and thought He would step in to change things but it’s still raining.  My last two posts are all about struggles.  They are about obstacles that seem to continually pop up to block a path to perceived peace, to perceived happiness, to perceived rest.

The night after writing the second post, I got home to my temporary quarters to find a mouse in my bed.  YES!  I saw him run and went to pull the covers back and no mouse.  I thought I must have imagined it when I picked up my pillow and he came flying out of the pillowcase.  What a great start.  Later, when lying in bed about to have a FaceTime chat with a loved one, the bed frame broke.

The two nights prior to last night I slept a combined 8 hours.  Last night I got 5 1/2.  I guess I can look at that and say things are improving.  It’s hard to go to sleep on a leaning bed wondering if a mouse is going to come cuddle up to me.  Or chew off an ear.

The lesson is I can call and call and call on God, say amen and it may still be raining.  I don’t know why.  I don’t understand Him.  This relationship He says He wants with me isn’t what Joel Osteen keeps promising folks.  It wasn’t the relationship most of the mighty men in the Bible had either but I’m not seeking that high of a status.

I want my job to work out but just heard there may be another buyer involved now.  It makes me even less certain this is a solution for long.  I want my relationships to work out but my job is leading me further away from the people I want to be with the most.

And I keep finding myself praying.  I keep going back to God.  Even I have to ask myself why after awhile.  Today’s Jesus Calling devotional said to share my dreams with Him.  So far, “NOPE” is the answer I have gotten to my dream requests.  I know the answer was no because I was very specific.  For the last four years I have made some very specific dream requests and the answer has been NO.  NO.  NO.

And I keep finding myself praying.  And it’s still raining.

Grace and peace.

The Journey – Part 17a/The Brain On Overload

10 Tuesday Dec 2013

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I survived the first night living in a barn.  It may be my “home” for the next 6 months or so.

I started a new job recently.  It’s 3 hours from home/Decatur so I’m spending 4-5 nights a week in the new town and 2-3 nights back in Decatur on weekends.  I own a home in Decatur that needs some more repairs before I can sell it and I need cash flow to make the repairs.  Quite the conundrum.  So, to save money I am living in a room in a large arena.  It has a small shower, toilet, sink, fridge and microwave.  The bed is on a bed frame that is the wrong size and without cross support so it shakes and shifts whenever I move.  Life can be an adventure even in bed.

It certainly makes one stop and think when living in a barn.  I step outside and the ground is covered with dirt and smells like horse manure.  It smells like those places that hold moisture.  It strips down the niceties of life to some core elements.

I admit I cried last night.  Frustration from the lack of sleep.  Frustration from putting together a bed frame that doesn’t fit or work right.  Frustration from floors with dirt so deep it may never come up.  Frustration that this room isn’t my spacious home.  Frustration that I am away from my son, away from the people who are close to me, who are my support system and trusted advisors, away from everything I have known for the last 18 years and in a place where I know no one in a town so small there is nowhere to go at night besides the Subway and a BBQ joint.  I am alone and things just are not going my way.  Or so it seems…

My mind shoots off to the homeless guys I used to work with in Denton.  Preston, Mikey, Wendell and Chris.  I wonder where they slept last night.  I wonder where the person who just became homeless and doesn’t know the ropes slept last night.  I wonder what they will eat today and where they will get out of the cold.  I wonder if they will ever get a job.  I wonder how happy they would be in my little room.  I wonder how many people they would jam in it to stay warm.  I wonder how they would feel to have a shower this morning, a cold bottle of water at reach.  I wonder how they would feel knowing they could come to work, grab a cup of warm coffee and make a few bucks.

Jesus Calling was the first shot that hit me broadside today.  It started off like this, “Make me the focal point of your search for security.  In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe.  Not only is this an impossible goal, it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth.”

I have to admit, I don’t want spiritual growth right now.  Oh, sure I want it on the surface.  I want it handed to me.  I’ve been on a journey for so long that has led to real spiritual growth and it has been a HARD journey.  (Isn’t that typically the case?  Isn’t that what Jesus Calling says today?)  It’s been a 10+ year journey and I’m tired.  Psalms 23:4 says I can walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and God is with me.  I’m just so ready for green pastures and still waters.  I want to live a life of ease for awhile.  Maybe that’s wrong but I’m ready for the road to be easier.  I wonder whether that can happen on this earth.  It seems like other people have it easier but I don’t really know.  I’m blessed with incredible kids and incredible people in my life.  Maybe that is my green pastures.

These thoughts will be continued.  I heard a song this morning that is haunting me and want to introduce it into this discussion.

Grace and peace.