Tag Archives: trust

I Have Issues

30 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

“Strongholds are created by trauma and released by trust.” – David Terry

I have issues.  Shame issues.  Fear issues.  Rejection issues.

I hear voices.  “You blew it.”  “Others people/things are more interesting.”  “I’m done with you.”

As I examine these issues in my life, I realize the trauma was created by or with people who are the closest to me.  The people I should feel the safest with are the very ones that introduced the trauma, sometimes without knowing it or realizing it themselves.  Yet the trauma and the strongholds of shame, fear and rejection that came with the trauma started with someone very close to me.

The great news is that I can overcome the stronghold.  The feat is that I have to trust people close to me to do overcome it.  Dang!  Couldn’t it be easier than that?  Isn’t there a phrase I can say in front of a mirror or a breathing exercise that will let me overcome that stronghold on my own without putting my heart and emotions on the line?  Well, the easy answer is no.

The longer answer is that the strongest thing I can do is trust in something or someone who has hurt me.  It’s easy to withhold trust.  It’s easy to say I will talk to them, smile at them and not let them in my mind but, oh snap, it is HARD to trust knowing I might get smacked again.

The cool thing in my life is that I have proven trusting works.  I’m not afraid to let you know it isn’t always easy but it does work.  I’m not afraid to let you know that sometimes old thoughts creep back in but they can be overcome.  I’m not even afraid to let you know that old wounds can be reopened but you can be stronger for the effort and the pain more manageable…or even negligible if you have worked out (trusted) enough.

I have issues but each day I am getting stronger and finding it easier to open myself up to trust.  In myself.  In others.  Trusting is strengthening my mind.  And my soul.

I think there is a simple explanation why it works.  God always trusts.  I don’t earn his trust, he gives it freely.  Regardless of how many times I have broken it, he is open to trusting me again time and time again.  Imagine the strength.  So, why shouldn’t I do the same? Why shouldn’t I keep trusting over and over and over again.  If I want to live Godly, giving trust is a key.  So, when I see my issues creep up and hear the voices talking lies, I have to reach within and open myself up to trust.  Trusting overcomes the shame, the fear, the rejection and leaves me with the ability to see what is true and right and noble and good.

I have issues.  And, I have weapons to combat them and to overcome them.

Grace and peace.

What Is God Up To?

08 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I want to be a peacemaker.  On Saturday I will graduate with a Master of Arts in Conflict Resolution and Reconciliation.  It is something I have worked hard at doing well and worked hard to receive and maybe the greatest thing I have done related to the passion of my heart.  And my life is full of turmoil.

I have walked hard roads.  Self-imposed at times.  As a victim of circumstances at times.  Recently I have suffered through a divorce that has been devastation at best, debilitating at worst.  Currently I am technically unemployed and watching my bank account drop (I have had some consulting works that keeps me floating).  Turmoil.

I was talking with a friend today who was sharing the Acts 16 story of Paul and Silas sharing the gospel and winding up in jail, flogged but still singing and praising God.  That’s when a thought struck me.  Does God want me to understand turmoil so I can better understand God’s peace?  To be a peacemaker, does God want me to understand the absence of peace or, at least, the attacks against peace?

Maybe so.  Maybe He has something planned for me that will rock my socks, that will allow me to live a life of passion and significance using what I am learning today in what seems like a walk through the wilderness.

I don’t know the plan.  I don’t know the time.  I am trusting God does and it will all fall together and the exact right time.  Then I will say, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Grace and peace.

Quotes

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life, peace

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, ,

I’ve read a couple of things yesterday that I want to post and have to go back to.

“The hardest thing in the world is to be where we are.” – Rowan Williams 

How true is this?  I want to be somewhere else most of the time.  When I had a job, I wanted to be somewhere else.  Now that I’m looking for a job, I want to be somewhere else.  I’m learning a lot about living in the present moment…and APPRECIATING the present moment for what it is and what God wants to reveal in it.  It reminds me of something a friend said to me not long ago, “the grass is greenest where we water it.”

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    apart from you I have no good thing.” – Psalms 16:2 

All that I have can disappear in a flash.  My house.  My stuff.  My relationships.  Oh, how I fear losing those things but what do they mean if I’m not walking with God in this present moment?  My struggle today is that I feel like I am putting my full trust and faith in God and may still end up losing some of these things but they are not important in the long term.  My relationship and faith in God is, however.

“This is where you are meant to live – in the present; it is the place where I always await you.  Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.” – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young 

Interesting that I read this on the same day I was reading Psalms 16.  Does God want me to get something through my head?  The challenge is that I believe I am living more and more in that dependency but I keep expecting to see answers to my prayers in that living.  Maybe I’m not fully dependent yet?  Or maybe I’m still in training.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I want to live more like a disciple of Christ but, man, it is hard for me to do much of the time.

“Rejection is the most painful wound you will ever receive because it is the most painful wound God ever experienced.” ~Robert Morris -Gateway Church

Rejection.  Wow.  Rejection by employers.  Rejection by friends.  Rejection by spouses.  Rejection of ideas and hopes and dreams.  I like to tell myself I handle rejection well but I just bottle it up and put it on a shelf.  Then, when a situation comes up that reminds me of the old wound, I go open the bottle and drink from it so I can build walls and protect myself from the possibility of more rejection.  I’m so thankful God doesn’t deal with rejection like I do.  I pray I can begin to deal with rejection more like God does.

I’m learning to live a different life.  I’m learning to see things differently.  I wish I knew where it was all headed.  I’m impatient.  An old friend, Jerry Meade, once told me that God is slow…at least in our version of time.  One more thing for me to accept and work out in my own life.  Be patient.  Have faith.  Quit trying to fit God in my box of how things should look.  Tough stuff.  And yet, hope and faith are all I have right now.  All I have is hope in Him and His power to do great things through me.  Let that be enough for today.

Another friend gave me one of those rubber bracelets once that said “MY GOD IS BIG ENOUGH.”  I wish I still had that bracelet.  Instead, I will try to keep that thought in my head all day today.

Grace and peace.

And then there’s the new day…

30 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Darkness before the dawn?  Rain before the sunshine?  Storm before the calm?

I’m in a place in life I don’t understand and I don’t particularly care for.  At least in my way of thinking.  Today, I keep wondering what God is thinking.  His ways are not my ways.  His thoughts are not my thoughts.  I was reading Jesus Calling (thank you Sarah Young!) this morning and this sentence is hanging with me, “The secret of being thankful is learning to see everything from My perspective.”  Seeing things thorough God’s perspective is a gift I haven’t mastered yet.  I can look back and see it but seeing it in the here and now is difficult.  I told a friend the other day I wish God would hand me the script so I would know the ending and then I would patiently wait.  Of course, that’s probably not true either.

As I sit here today, trying to understand God’s perspective, I try to remember that He didn’t give me a journey of living in the Middle East, He didn’t give me the journey of a crippling disease, He didn’t give me the journey of being imprisoned, He didn’t give me a lot of journeys that seem so hard.  On the other hand, He is giving me a journey of waiting and wondering.  How long?  Will I be able to meet the obligations, financial and otherwise, I told people I would meet?  Today, waiting and wondering is my journey.  And I will be thankful this day.  That doesn’t mean I won’t miss some of the good things He has put in my life or that I won’t feel loneliness or sadness.  It just means in those times today, I will try to stop and see it from God’s perspective and try to understand what He wants me to see and feel and know today.

I share my scariest thoughts here but it is good for me to release them.  Today, I want to release those scary thoughts into God’s hands and see what He wants to do with them and with me.

Grace and peace.

Full Circle

15 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Depending on how things go today I may come back and explain the title a little more.  In the meantime it’s a reminder for me how crazy life can be at times.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude
© Abbey of Gethsemani

I appreciate so much of what Merton has to say in his writings.  His ability to communicate continually reminds me of a desire to move to a monastery and live the life of a monk.  The peace of consistency.  The joy of silence.  The time to think and write.  I just wonder if the beds are comfortable and the food is good.  I digress.

I don’t know what this day will bring but it could be a game-changer.

God, you’ve got this, right?  I’m trusting you this day.

Grace and peace.

Sometimes

01 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by in Christian Living, Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Sometimes things hit me right when I need it.

Sometimes I get to spend time in the presence of my children.  It’s awesome.

Sometimes I read something that hits me between the eyes and goes straight to my heart.  I have mentioned I’m reading Jesus Calling and as I looked at my desk calendar edition, here was yesterday’s message…

Stop judging and evaluating yourself, for this is not your role.  Above all, stop comparing yourself with other people.  This produces feelings of pride or inferiority, sometimes a mixture of both.  I lead each of my children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her.  Don’t look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people.  The only source of real affirmation is my unconditional love.  Many believers perceive me as an unpleasable judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in my garments of salvation.  This is how I see you: radiant in my robe of righteousness.  When I discipline you, it is never in anger or disgust, it is to prepare you for face-to-face fellowship with me throughout all eternity.  Immerse yourself in my loving presence.  Be receptive to my affirmation, which flows continuously from the throne of grace.

Sometimes I believe it.  Sometimes I don’t.  Here’s to pray and hope that I will believe it more and more.

And that my sometimes will become all-the-times.

Grace and peace.

The End of Other’s Lessons

06 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Faith, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Someone I wish I knew better recently responded to a blog about a situation that I can identify with in many ways.  When we look at our battles, we can look around and see others who face tougher battles, at least in our eyes, and who do so with grace.  They teach us lessons that are valuable.

Yet, they are only lessons.

As I’ve journeyed through my dark valleys, I have had many who marched beside me and who have taught me many valuable lessons.  They have helped me to see my situation in a different light.

They helped me see the lessons.

I have found the comfort of others and the lessons they teach only last so long because, at some point, I am back in the muck and the mess of my life and I have to LIVE it.  The listening, seeing and understanding of problems can teach me lessons but I have to LIVE the lessons.  I have to decide to trust God or not trust God.  I have to decide to live gratefully or live fearfully.  I have to decide to press on or draw back.  I have to decide how I WILL LIVE the rest of my days.  And do it!

I can decide today that I will live gratefully but that doesn’t mean I’ll still be living that way tomorrow.  It’s another decision I have to make.

I’m thankful for the stories of others, for their encouragement, for their lessons, for their faith in me to share what they know.  Very thankful.  But at some point I come to the end of other’s lessons and have to make the decision for myself of how I will live this day and how I will take on the obstacles and share in the victories.

From Jesus Calling on February 6…

Come to me and rest.  I am all about you, to bless and restore.  Breathe Me in with each breath.  The way just ahead of you is very steep.  Slow down and cling tigthly to My hand.  I am teaching you a difficult lesson, learned only by hardship.

Learned only by hardship.  By me.  That’s exciting (heavy sarcasm intended).

My lessons have to be my own.  Lived out by me.  I much rather live my life through other people’s stories but it doesn’t work that way.  Today, I will choose to cling to the hand of God, to prepare to take the steep path with Him giving me strength.  And I ask Him for the strength to keep making that decision in the days to come.

Grace and peace.

A Slow Start

07 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Faith

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

My blogging is off to a slow start but not because I haven’t thought about a bunch of things to say.  I have been going through some dramatic changes in my life and maybe the shock, the fear, the wonder, the hope and many other emotions have collided to both make me stop, make me think and make wait.  Ah, waiting.  I’m not great at waiting.  And forgiving myself.  Not good at that either.  And trusting God.  Well, I trust Him with some small things but job hunting is all dependent on me.  Right?

Forgiving self is one of the greatest battles I have.  Typically, I don’t forgive myself and I have junk I have been carrying with me for a long, long time.  A good friend said something to me the other day that really struck a chord.  “Failing to forgive yourself is denying God’s child a gift God wants to give him.”  Wow.  It’s the story of the prodigal and I love the story…right up to the point where I fill in the rest of the story with the returning son living under a cloud of his sins.

Another great comment I heard recently deals with my faith and patience.  “The God who says He has plans for you, that you are His workmanship, is the God you are now doubting because things aren’t the way you want them?”  That hits me right between the eyes.

That’s a start.  I hope this blog evolves into a lot more praise for my glorious Father and less about my doubt, self-doubt and failings.  In the meantime, I’ll deal with some things I need to deal with and see where it leads me.  And where He leads me.

Grace and peace.