Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

I have been walking through a season or seasons of life for the past 15 years that have included a lot of “why” thoughts.  I don’t understand why I have had to go down this path.  I look back and see things I have learned that have moved me ahead but I have not been able to enjoy many of the fruits of that learning in ways I can see or understand.  As a believer in YHWH, it is painful at times to wonder why I am in seasons of pain or seasons of frustration or seasons of complete lack of vision or revelation.  I believe God has given me gifts and talents and I do not feel like I have the platform to use them effectively.  I am separated from people I love and want to be close to, want to hold on to, want to enjoy being in their presence.  I don’t know why.

Last night, I was asked how I bear what I do.  I was with someone who was struggling through some tough days.  The comment was made about how I get through my tough days and it’s honestly the why that is the answer.  I get through them because I need income to take care of my children.  I get through them because I need a job to keep moving forward because forwards is where a future lies with someone I love.  They are the why.

Bearing the how isn’t easy or pretty for me.  No one sees many of the tears I cry.  No one hears the screams when I call out to God to deliver me from this pain.  No one knows all the dark thoughts that go through my head.  Bearing the how isn’t easy or pretty.

The why, the reasons I bear this season, is beautiful.  I have an incredibly intelligent and beautiful daughter who needs me to come through for her.  I have an outstanding son, a man of character with an incredible future, who needs me to come through for him.  I have a woman in my life who is showing me what love looks like and I want to learn more from her and return all that she gives me.

I’m tired.  My body isn’t holding up well to the stress.  My mind isn’t performing at it’s highest level because of the anxiety.  My spirit is weak and I need God to hold me up more than ever.  I press on because there are people in my life I want to encourage, to lift up and to push forward.  Along with the three I mentioned, I have some incredible friends who love me for some reason and want the best for me also.  And, as weak as my faith seems at times, it is still present.  I choose to believe God has something in store for me.  So I press on.

Grace and peace.